by Jason Kenyon
‘Just as well you went back,’ Neurion said at his side. ‘Otherwise this necromancer would have gone free and caused all sorts of troubles.’
Archimegadon sighed. ‘You have a lot to learn, Neurion.’
The three of them continued along the Central Way until they left the covering of trees and arrived on a grand open plain, and Archimegadon called a temporary halt. Neurion sat down on the grass at the side of the road while Obdo put the severed head on the ground.
‘Pick that up, Obdo,’ Archimegadon said. ‘This is a penance, not a treat!’
‘Now…’
‘Silence, fool!’ Archimegadon said. Obdo picked up the head sullenly and looked around.
It was a magnificent view, since the Central Way rode the crest of a hill here and allowed them a view across much of this region of Valanthas. Sparkly white mountains rose in the distance ahead of them, while the Forest of Gale, which they had just left, spread like a carpet across the land behind them. No farmers had claimed the land here, and the fields stretched out beyond sight.
Archimegadon cared not for such frippery, unless it was as a dramatic backdrop to any battles he was involved in. Neurion was quite excited, as usual, but that was easily ignored.
‘Why do you want this damned head anyway?’ Obdo asked.
‘Ah, I have another quest to fulfil,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘This head is to be delivered to the High Captain in Melethas.’
‘What, was our novice over there supposed to slay it then?’
Archimegadon laughed. ‘Indeed he was.’
‘You’re a right pair of leeches,’ Obdo said. ‘Neither of you killed it, yet you’re making a load of money out of it.’
‘Shut up and be penitent.’
‘Right you are, sir.’ Obdo looked at the mountains uneasily. ‘Sir… this Melethas place… it isn’t up there, is it?’
‘Thankfully not,’ Archimegadon replied. He pointed out a pine forest in the distance, at the feet of the mountains. ‘It is yonder, nestled in the valley’s embrace.’
‘Right,’ Obdo said. ‘Is this “For Hire” business particularly lucrative?’
‘From time to time,’ Archimegadon replied, thinking of the amulet in his pocket.
‘Maybe I’ll take it up once I’m done with this thing.’ Obdo glared at the Shadow’s head.
‘You can try,’ Archimegadon said, ‘but I don’t think many people are looking to necromancers for help.’
‘You’re great company, you know,’ Obdo said. ‘Dragging me out here on a trumped-up charge, just cos I know you’re a phony. You’d think honesty was a crime.’
‘Evil is always a crime,’ Neurion said as he wandered back within earshot. ‘Instead of complaining, you should be grateful that Master Archimegadon has granted you the chance to redeem yourself. Consider the natural beauty here and see the order that you have spurned by becoming a necromancer.’
Obdo looked to Archimegadon for aid.
Archimegadon sighed. ‘Yes, thank you Neurion. You’re a great help as always.’
Neurion grinned and went back to staring across Valanthas. Obdo moved away from Neurion and signalled for Archimegadon to follow. Archimegadon did so, though he kept his distance so as to avoid the dripping ooze that was covering Obdo.
‘Where did you dig that guy up?’ Obdo asked.
‘In a pub on the Central Way, shortly after I dispatched the Shadow,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘He’s a bit… you know…’
‘He’s a bit what?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘He’s kind of mad.’
‘Yes, I know.’
‘Then why are you hanging around with him?’
‘Ah, because I am to earn an entire reloran for leading him to Melethas,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘That’s a lot of money for guiding someone down a straight road!’ Obdo said. ‘No wonder you’re a Mage for Hire. Maybe I should sign up to a Mage School. Is there one in Melethas?’
‘Ah.’ Archimegadon laughed sheepishly. ‘Yes. I do not advise it.’
‘Afraid of competition?’ Obdo grinned through the ooze.
‘Pah. I am almighty.’ Archimegadon coughed. ‘However, you would be better advised to find another career. Er… well, you are weak in magic power. I can sense it.’
‘Surely a necromancer would be powerful in magic?’ Obdo asked with a dry grin.
‘Now look. Such cheek will earn you further penance.’
‘Taken on board.’
‘Good.’ Archimegadon eyed the Shadow’s sightless eyes uneasily. ‘As for a careers, I suggest you take up as a jester. An oaf such as you would be ideal to play a fool.’
‘I hope I don’t drop this on you,’ Obdo said, tipping the Shadow’s head towards Archimegadon.
‘I am a mage, and am perfectly capable of stopping things falling on me,’ Archimegadon said, although he took a step back.
‘Can I please put this down?’ Obdo asked after a second.
‘No,’ Archimegadon replied with relish. ‘You are still in dire need of tutelage. I fear for your soul.’
‘Oh, drop the paladin act,’ Obdo said. ‘This thing kills.’
‘It did until I defeated it,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Shut up, it was those other mages and the knight who did that,’ Obdo said.
‘Your lack of faith is understandable in one so weak-minded,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Hopefully I will be able to teach you the respect due to me.’
‘You already have,’ Obdo said.
Archimegadon simply smiled and wandered back onto the Central Way, stretching and looking across the plains in the vague direction of Melethas. He could sense those thousand relorans waiting impatiently for him in the Mage School. And a bonus one reloran on top of that in the Guard Tower. He pondered momentarily whether Elsim had escaped from the thieves, but that was not really important.
Besides, the journey wouldn’t be all that bad, what with Obdo there to be pushed around. Shame about Neurion, but that couldn’t be helped. Much had to be sacrificed for relorans.
‘Get up, Neurion,’ Archimegadon said. ‘It’s time we got moving. We want to reach cover before nightfall.’
‘I agree,’ Obdo said.
‘Excellent,’ Neurion said. ‘You know, Master Archimegadon, I think we make a good team. We should work as a team after we’ve done this quest. Can you imagine how much money we would make if we did?’
Archimegadon glanced at Obdo, who mouthed zero. The Mage for Hire snorted and Neurion looked quizzically at him.
‘Blasted… hay fever,’ Archimegadon lied.
Chapter Four: Beneath the Pine Trees
The journey down from the hill and round under the shadow of the mountains wasn’t really of interest to the great mage Archimegadon, who spent his time pondering whether to go to the Isles of Filikis first or buy his lordship straight away. Since he would be in Melethas when he received his money, he opted to become Lord Archimegadon of Melethas from the start. Then, when he visited the Isles of Filikis, he would be all the more admired for his position and power.
He cast a glance at Obdo, who was suffering under the strain of lifting the giant demon head. It was really very heartening. He debated whether to force Obdo to continue carrying the head for as long as the farmhand took to realise that Archimegadon didn’t really have the right to force him to do anything. Of course, when Archimegadon ascended to lordship he would have the power to do as he wished in that respect, but for the moment it was amusing to watch Obdo do something that he really didn’t have to.
As for Neurion, Archimegadon planned to hire him to guard the estate he would buy and then fire him in the same day. The thought of giving the naïve paladin such high hopes and then crushing them soon after was almost too enjoyable, and Archimegadon felt a wrench at the sheer distance he would have to travel to obtain this opportunity. Just a couple of days… well, less now, fortunately. If he started early enough the next day perhaps they would reach the Mage School in
Melethas sooner than expected.
‘I must say, the forest back there was attractive, but it was nothing compared to here,’ Neurion said.
‘The Forest of Gale is by far the best forest in Valanthas,’ Obdo said. ‘This place is all sticky.’
‘I think you’ll find that’s the Shadow’s blood,’ Archimegadon said.
Obdo glared at the stinking head. ‘You’d think it would have dried up by now.’
‘The price of necromancy,’ Neurion said with a solemn bow of his head. ‘To dabble in evil powers is to invite your own defeat. Evil exacts a price from its followers, while the great holy power is a gift.’
‘Oh, blah blah,’ Obdo said. ‘Like this trophy here is a gift, mister incredible demon-slayer.’
‘Now, sometimes opportunities must be taken,’ Neurion said, blushing slightly, ‘when they are offered to you.’
‘Balls,’ Obdo said. ‘You’re just a money-grabber like him.’ He jabbed an ooze-covered thumb in Archimegadon’s direction.
‘Actually, he’s broke,’ Archimegadon said.
Neurion went red. ‘Well… money spent in the name of justice.’
‘Oooh, been to some of Aldrack’s finest brothels, Sir Paladin?’ Obdo asked.
‘What are brothels?’ Neurion asked. ‘Are they places where you get drinks?’
‘In a manner of speaking,’ Obdo replied.
Archimegadon decided to cut this line of conversation short right away. ‘He trained in a notable Paladin School,’ he said.
‘These mage, paladin and whatever else schools aren’t notable for anything,’ Obdo said, ‘aside from being the biggest con in history to date.’
‘Silence!’ Archimegadon said. ‘The schools are dedicated to the enlightening of people in order that they may serve the needs of Valanthas and its King better.’
‘And where does your Mage for Hire business help His Majesty then?’ Obdo asked.
‘I restore peace to those regions of his kingdom that might otherwise go neglected,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘You would do well to take my example.’
‘I would indeed, Sir Mage,’ Obdo said, ‘since you seem to be making an awful lot of money for doing next to nothing.’
‘Defeating a demon and its necromantic commander are no mean feats,’ Neurion said. ‘You should know, since he conquered you.’
‘It was possibly the least dramatic conquering in history,’ Obdo said.
‘It was a duel of wits,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Not everything must be hacked out with a sword… or a pitchfork.’
‘I think the wits lost the duel,’ Obdo said, ‘and I wish I did have my pitchfork, so I could stick it up your arse.’
‘Now look here, Obdo, you are doing yourself no favours!’ Archimegadon said. ‘This is a course of penantical nature.’
‘Penantical?’
‘Of or relating to penance,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘If you say so.’
‘Silence!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now then. Ah yes, you are to keep a civil tongue. If your penance has not been truly carried out, and I feel that your soul is in dire need of more healing, I may have to prolong your purgatorial punishment of penance to particularly prodigious… places.’
‘Shut up, old man,’ Obdo said. ‘Once I’m rid of this head I’m off.’
‘You’ll do what you’re told,’ Neurion said, ‘or I may have to cleanse you with a holy sword.’
‘You’ll have to find one first, Sir Rusty,’ Obdo said.
‘Master Archimegadon, please let me punish him for this disrespect to you?’ Neurion asked.
Archimegadon was sorely tempted to watch Neurion attempt to be in any way threatening, but he was more concerned with keeping up a steady pace. He didn’t usually travel in this direction from Melethas, so he had little idea of whether they would run into any settlements soon, and he didn’t much favour the idea of having to sleep rough. The sky was darkening, and under the covering of pine trees, which were spaced out and not quite so effective at protecting from the rain as the clustered oak trees in Gale, it was even gloomier than outside.
‘I shall punish him myself,’ Archimegadon replied, and he rapped Obdo’s forehead with the Staff of Antagules.
‘Ouch,’ Obdo said. ‘Well, that was so much worse than carrying a giant bleeding demon head.’
‘And let it be a lesson to you,’ Archimegadon said.
‘How come Sir Rusty doesn’t have any real armour?’ Obdo asked.
‘He was robbed by ruffians,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Presumably he came off worse in the fights.’
‘Master Archimegadon!’ Neurion said. ‘Don’t tell him that!’
‘Telling the truth is more important than personal pride,’ Archimegadon said. ‘This is a foundation lesson of all holy orders.’
Neurion bowed his head. ‘You are correct. I too shall undergo penance.’
‘Shut up, Neurion,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Then silence shall be my penance, Master.’
Archimegadon shook his head, rolling his eyes, and continued along the trudging path, noticing that the edges of his robes were beginning to get quite filthy and spoiling his perfect image. Luckily Neurion and Obdo cut such poor figures that he looked positively radiant in comparison. Archimegadon debated whether having them around was such a bad thing after all. He spied lights in the distance and felt a small tinge of relief.
‘There,’ he said. ‘Lights. Somewhere to shelter, I hope.’
‘You have led us true, Master Archimegadon,’ Neurion said.
‘Penance, Neurion,’ Archimegadon said. Neurion nodded and shut up.
As they neared the light it became ever clearer that they had indeed come across a large settlement, although it appeared to be halfway up the trees rather than on the ground. A wooden stairway spiralled up to the middle of the trunk of a particularly large pine tree and joined up with a series of connected wooden platforms and walkways that stretched out as far as the three companions could see. Archimegadon hoped that the pointless act of building in the trees hadn’t compromised comfort.
‘Magnificent,’ Neurion said. ‘Even more so at night, I see. The village of Salien. A masterpiece of engineering.’
‘What’s wrong with the ground hereabouts, I ask?’ Obdo asked. ‘Damned waste of time if you ask me.’
‘A true necromancer, to spurn man’s achievements,’ Neurion said.
‘Oh, blow it out your…’
‘Master Archimegadon!’ Neurion said. ‘You tell him.’
‘Silence, children!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Whether or not this is a waste of time, it is the only civilised place within a minute’s walk, so I suggest that we take advantage of this and stay here for the night. And try not to make too much noise.’
‘Yes, Master,’ Neurion said.
‘Yeesh, could you stop being a sycophant for two minutes?’ Obdo asked.
Archimegadon raised an eyebrow. ‘Sycophant? Most farmhands I know in Valanthas can’t even write “hello” without putting in an x.’
‘My parents had money,’ Obdo said, ‘and sent me to the best school they could. Then they said they wanted me to have a life without the burdens of money, so they turned me out penniless. They said it was better that way.’
‘Quite right,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Nothing like working for your achievements.’
‘Yeah, like you’d know,’ Obdo said.
‘I do, as a matter of fact,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now hush. We must enter this Salien place and find ourselves a place to stay.’
‘Lead on, “Master”,’ Obdo said, smirking.
‘I will,’ Archimegadon said with a glare.
They reached the stairway only to be stopped by a couple of large burly fellows wielding clubs. Archimegadon, for all his stature, was a head shorter than them.
‘Four grobs per head to enter the village of Salien,’ one of them said.
‘Good heavens,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Payment to enter a village? What outrage is
this?’
‘The village fell apart once cos of too many people on it,’ the guard replied. ‘Payment keeps the numbers down. It’s safer, pal, so don’t complain.’
‘Well, quite,’ Archimegadon said. This just confirmed his suspicions that the entire project was madness. ‘Obdo, pay up.’
Obdo glowered. ‘Not a chance. You brought us here, old man.’
‘Penance, Obdo.’
‘Stuff your penance.’
‘Don’t make me burn you.’
Obdo sighed and reached into his pockets. He dropped the required coins into Archimegadon’s outstretched hand, along with a sizeable blob of demon blood. Archimegadon extricated the coins from the ooze, wrinkling his nose, and handed them to the guard, before turning to head up the stairs. The guard put a hand in the way.
‘Wait, you’ve only paid twelve grobs,’ the guard said.
‘Yes, for three people,’ Archimegadon said.
The guard began to snigger. ‘Yes, but we charge per head!’ He roared with laughter.
Archimegadon stared.
‘Nah, you’re alright, go ahead,’ the guard said, his eyes wet.
‘Good one,’ Archimegadon said, patting the ooze-covered hand on the guard’s back.
The guard was chuckling too much to respond, so Archimegadon headed on into the village before the imbecilic conversation could continue. Once they were on the top Neurion strode over to the wooden fence at the edge of the walkways and looked out across the forest.
‘An incredible view,’ he said. ‘What a feat.’
Archimegadon tapped the floor with the Staff of Antagules. ‘It had better hold under your weight, Obdo.’ The farmhand did not bother to reply. ‘We need to find a tavern of some sort,’ Archimegadon went on. ‘I’d ask you, Neurion, since you seemed to know this place, but since you didn’t know about the toll…’
‘I will find it nonetheless,’ Neurion said. ‘Never you fear.’