by Jason Kenyon
‘Humble, too,’ Obdo said, looking a little proud at his description.
Valia scorched him with a scowl. ‘The leader has to be me.’
‘Veto,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Veto,’ Obdo echoed.
‘I have to go for Master Archimegadon,’ Neurion said. ‘Sorry, Valia, but that’s why I hired him.’
Valia stared at the three of them. ‘Come on…’ Archimegadon grinned at her, Neurion looked away, and Obdo let out a huge yawn and nearly lost his balance. ‘We’re dead. All of us.’
‘No great loss, then,’ Obdo said.
‘That is not my plan,’ Archimegadon said, deciding to make the most of his temporary role as leader. ‘I accept this quest, Neurion. I also accept the post of leader,’ he added, and Valia made an indistinct sound. ‘Now, my plan, as it is so far, is to allow Neurion here to lead us to the Dusk Alliance’s base.’
‘I’m the one who knows the way,’ Valia said.
‘Then you can lead us,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Just as well you’re here to make the hard decisions,’ Obdo said.
‘If I decide to give you another penance, then I will,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Received and understood, milord.’
‘Quite.’ Archimegadon surveyed the table and his band of adventurers. ‘Right then, my companions, we must sally forth to do battle with our foes!’
‘You are a genuine idiot,’ Valia said.
‘Silence, imbecile,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Your part in my plan is to put up and shut up. As well as find this base, of course.’
‘You can stick your plan up your…’
‘Master Archimegadon, I cannot tell you how excited I am by this,’ Neurion said. ‘We’re off on a real quest! This time we’ll earn it to the full.’
‘Hey, Sir Mage, why not invite your pals along to help us?’ Obdo asked. ‘They did a real number on the Shadow.’
‘They are on another quest,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘And I’ll hire them to do a real number on you when they’re done unless you shut up.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘When you say they did a real number on the Shadow, Obdo, do you mean the creature that Neurion is supposed to have killed?’ Valia asked.
Neurion waved his hands at Obdo behind Valia’s back and mouthed no several times. Obdo put a finger to his mouth as though in thought, although Archimegadon knew that thinking in Obdo’s case was an illusion.
‘Yes,’ Obdo said eventually. Neurion’s arms flew all over the place. ‘No. Er… what was the question?’
Valia glared at him. ‘Something is going on here. If I find out that you’re all a bunch of conmen there will be trouble.’ She stalked off.
‘How immeasurably rude,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now, let’s get ready! There’s glory to be earnt!’
Chapter Ten: Insults and Pranks
‘Master Archimegadon,’ Neurion said. ‘Where are we?’
Archimegadon took in his surroundings. They were now deep in the Forest of Nalius, and for as far as the mage could see there were great pine trees lining endless passageways that quite possibly wound off into oblivion. Obdo, who had previously been the slowest walker of the bunch thanks to the Shadow’s head, was almost leading the way more than Valia. A dark suspicion overtook Archimegadon. Perhaps Obdo had led them here, into the middle of nowhere, and perhaps Valia had let him out of spite.
‘I do not know, Neurion,’ Archimegadon replied with a sigh. ‘Valia was supposed to be leading us to the Dusk Alliance’s base, but she apparently doesn’t know the way.’
‘Who said we were lost?’ Valia asked. ‘Did I miss something? Just follow me and shut up.’
‘Silence, knight,’ Archimegadon said. ‘How can you tell which way is where?’
‘I actually have some training,’ Valia replied. ‘Unlike yourself.’
‘You didn’t see him deal with Felick Broadblade,’ Neurion said. ‘Cold as ice, hard as steel. Knocked the mercenary out with one strike.’
‘From behind?’ Valia asked.
‘Yes,’ Neurion replied. ‘Why?’
‘Nothing in particular,’ Valia replied with a smirk.
‘You try defeating a mercenary when you have just been half-crushed in your sleep,’ Archimegadon said.
‘I think you just got lucky,’ Valia said.
‘I think you should concentrate on getting us to the place we need to go,’ Archimegadon said, ‘instead of thinking you are so clever. How far is it to this place anyway, if we’re so close?’
‘I don’t imagine that it will take much longer than three days to get there,’ Valia replied. ‘What we do when we get there might be a little lengthier.’
‘Not if I have anything to do with it,’ Archimegadon said.
‘If you have anything to do with it, I suspect it will take three times as long,’ Valia said. ‘That is, if it doesn’t just fail completely.’
‘Now look, knight, I have had it up to here with your insubordination!’ Archimegadon said. ‘In order to succeed we need to function as a team, and in order to maintain peace within the team I think it would be best if you simply kept quiet.’
‘That’s right, you tell her,’ Obdo said.
‘It would be better if you shut it too, Obdo,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Only trying to help,’ Obdo said.
‘Stay out of it, farm boy,’ Valia said. ‘Keep your mouth empty like everything else associated with your head.’
‘Now there’s polite,’ Obdo said, nudging Neurion.
‘You brought it on yourself by interrupting matters above your station,’ Neurion said.
‘Ooh, so now everyone’s too good for Obdo?’ the farmhand asked. ‘Well, maybe I’d better just go and leave you all to it.’
‘Return the five relorans before you go,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Not a chance, Sir Mage,’ Obdo said. ‘You already have your riches, remember?’
‘He’s right, though,’ Neurion said. ‘If you’re not going to participate in the mission, then you don’t get the relorans.’
‘You didn’t say anything about that,’ Obdo said ‘Five relorans in advance is five relorans in advance.’
‘Two points, Obdo,’ Neurion said. ‘One – if you leave, the High Captain of Melethas, with his ties to the Knights of Valanthas, will have you hunted down and cut into many pieces. Two – I myself will cut you down here, since you are known to have once been a necromancer.’
‘Neurion, about that…’ Archimegadon began.
‘Master Archimegadon, allow me to deal with this,’ Neurion said.
‘Sir Shiny, if you try to cut me down you’ll probably start attacking Sir Mage instead,’ Obdo said.
‘That was a one-off mistake,’ Neurion said, going a touch red.
Valia stopped and they all stumbled into each other. Once the band had gathered its wits she spoke. ‘What’s this about attacking Archimegadon?’
‘Ah… uh… a spell went a little wrong,’ Neurion replied.
‘He was trying to kill me with a holy sword spell thing,’ Obdo said. ‘Only thing is, he went and looked at Archimegadon for approval and ended up casting the spell on him instead.’
‘I had to pacify him with the Staff of Antagules,’ Archimegadon said.
‘I see,’ Valia said. She smiled. ‘You know, I might have to see a demonstration of this, Neurion.’
‘I shall strike down Akarith with the Spell of Holy Fury,’ Neurion said. ‘I will not use it for frivolous stuff any more.’ He glared at Obdo. ‘Then again, slaying necromancers is hardly frivolous business.’
‘Look, why do you keep saying that the yokel is a necromancer?’ Valia asked. ‘He doesn’t exactly look the part.’
‘That’s why he was so effective,’ Neurion said.
‘I’ll bet,’ Valia said.
‘So anyway, I was leaving,’ Obdo said. ‘Got skeletal armies to raise and all that.’ He paused. ‘You know, if I actually could raise skeletal armies
, it would be very useful for destroying this Dusk Alliance.’
‘Raising the dead is a perversion!’ Neurion said.
‘I know, but… an army of skeletons!’ Obdo said. ‘Imagine how powerful we’d be!’
‘Not after death,’ Neurion said. ‘For the crime of exhuming the dead for personal gain we would be eternally consigned to the fiery pits of Hell.’
‘Well I’m not sure what you seem to think you’d use the army of skeletons for, weirdo,’ Obdo said, frowning, ‘but I meant we could use the army to storm the Dusk Alliance’s base. Bang! Boom! Battle over! Home free.’
‘I don’t think he did enough penance,’ Neurion said to Archimegadon, folding his arms over his shiny breastplate.
‘He probably did too much,’ Archimegadon said, ‘and cut off the blood supply to his brain with that demon head on his shoulders.’
‘I think he does that with his own head,’ Valia said.
‘If you’re finished denigrating and mauling me, I’d like to be off,’ Obdo said. ‘Toodles and all that.’
Archimegadon glared at Obdo. ‘Good. Begone, oaf. That will make this quest slightly more bearable.’
‘A pleasure, Sir Mage,’ Obdo said.
A moment passed, and Obdo remained where he was.
‘Go on, then,’ Neurion said.
‘Yes, please, hurry up,’ Valia said.
‘None of you want me to stay?’ Obdo asked.
‘Not really, oaf,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘You’re a right bunch of sods,’ Obdo said. ‘I’m staying.’
Archimegadon cursed.
‘I knew you would come back to the Light on your own,’ Neurion said. ‘There is a small grain of inherent goodness in you.’
‘Oh, shut up,’ Obdo said. ‘But I do need a good reputation if I’m going to be a proper Thug for Hire.’
‘You’re hardly built for it,’ Valia said.
‘That’s why I need the reputation,’ Obdo said. ‘So come on, are we going?’
‘We were,’ Archimegadon said, ‘until you kicked up a fuss.’
‘Enough,’ Valia said. ‘Stop bickering. The Dusk Alliance have probably already heard us coming with all this noise.’
She quickly got her bearings and strode off into the pine trees, while the other three stumbled after her, trying to keep pace. Archimegadon had particular trouble, since his robes were not exactly designed for walking fast in forests, and he soon lagged behind the others. For a few minutes he debated shooting off a flamebolt at them, but fortunately Valia’s pace slowed down once she was sure they were actually following her lead.
Then, as though some great being had simply reached down and ripped hundreds of trees from the ground, the forest disappeared and the companions stumbled out into an open clearing, where a pretty little river passed through a waterwheel that was attached to a quaint wooden house. There was a very large mushroom nearby, and underneath it was a small man on a grand wooden chair.
Valia looked to Archimegadon for his professional opinion. ‘A giant mushroom,’ he said. ‘Well, it happens. Sometimes. Possibly.’
‘It’s a trap,’ Obdo said. ‘Those thieves are up to something.’
‘Why would the Dusk Alliance be trying to grow the world’s largest mushroom?’ Archimegadon asked. ‘Think, Obdo!’
‘Lots of money in the gardening market,’ Obdo replied. ‘Maybe a whole range of houses too.’
‘What sort of people would live in mushrooms, you oaf?’ Archimegadon rapped on Obdo’s head with the Staff of Antagules.
‘Little elf people?’
‘Daah! Idiot!’ Archimegadon threw his hands up in the air. ‘It was a rhetorical question.’
‘They might, though,’ Obdo said with a shrug.
‘Shut up, Obdo,’ Neurion said. ‘What do you suppose this is, Master Archimegadon?’
‘Just some stupid man growing a stupidly large fungus,’ the mage replied. ‘I shall speak with him. Perhaps he will learn a little sense too.’
‘Careful, old man,’ Valia said. ‘There are sometimes ancient fairy people in the forests of Valanthas. Don’t get us cursed, you hear?’
‘If I had wanted to get us cursed, I would have done it myself!’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Now hush. I shall speak with this fellow.’
‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ Neurion said.
‘For heaven’s sake, it’s just a big mushroom!’
Archimegadon left the other three at the edge of the clearing and ventured towards the old man under the mushroom. As he neared the man didn’t move an inch, nor did his eyes show any sign of noticing that an imposing mage was striding in his direction. The stream bubbled calmly, in stark contrast to the irritable Archimegadon stomping towards it.
‘You there,’ Archimegadon called. ‘Who are you?’
The man turned one eye on Archimegadon. ‘Welcome to my humble home, mage. Manners a problem with you?’
‘I asked your name,’ Archimegadon said.
‘I am Mesellanillian Altabranorius,’ the man said.
Archimegadon frowned. The man’s name was even longer and more impressive than his own. Perhaps it was time to elongate his name again. ‘Greetings, Mesellanillian. What is this place?’
‘Your name?’
‘Ah, but of course,’ Archimegadon replied. He carefully struck a practiced pose and regarded Mesellanillian imperiously. ‘My name is Archimegadon!’
‘Wonderful,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘You know, you’re stepping on my land.’
‘I am travelling through these parts,’ Archimegadon said with a withering look at his surroundings. ‘I have no intention of delaying here for long.’
‘Oh, is that so?’ Mesellanillian asked. ‘Interesting.’
‘Why is there a giant mushroom here?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘I felt like creating one,’ Mesellanillian replied. ‘Is there a problem?’
‘Not really.’
‘It’s a good sunshade, too. You ought to try it.’
‘Some other day maybe.’ Archimegadon couldn’t see over the trees to get his bearings. ‘You haven’t seen any thieves or bandits roaming about, have you?’
‘A couple,’ Mesellanillian replied. ‘They got a little lost.’
‘We’re after them, you see,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Trying to stop them and their evil ways. If you have any leads on where they are, they would be appreciated.’
‘I’d love to help,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘Unfortunately, I’m a little old. You know, it took me a couple of days to get this chair out here, under the mushroom.’
‘Right.’ Archimegadon was getting a little tired of this Mesellanillian fellow. ‘Look, do you know anything at all?’
‘Oh, I know a fair few things,’ Mesellanillian replied.
‘Such as?’
‘How to grow giant mushrooms,’ the old man replied, cackling.
‘I see,’ Archimegadon said, turning to leave. ‘Well, I suppose we’re done here.’
‘Oh, no,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘We’re not done by a long way. You people are all messing up the forest big time. See, I’m old, but I’m not that old.’
‘Sorry?’
‘I have lived here for over a thousand years, give or take a century,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘I see your people go by all the time. I remember it all, like it was yesterday. That big fellow with his green staff started it off, oh, a long time back. Before you were born, boy.’
‘Be quiet, you senile oaf,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Go back to sleep and dream of wrinkles.’
‘Oh, you’ve done it now!’ Mesellanillian said. He stood up, and suddenly he didn’t look so small. ‘I have lived in these woods for centuries, and you think you can pester me? Well, I sent those thieves packing! I’ll send you to places you haven’t dreamed of!’
‘I see,’ Archimegadon said, starting to believe this old man after all. ‘Well, I haven’t dreamt of… the Isles of Filikis.’
‘Nice trick, but I’m not that seni
le!’ Mesellanillian said. ‘No, I think I’ll have you wander all the way to Elgebra, Land of the Walking Skull Men.’
‘I’d really rather you didn’t,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Look, I have a reloran for you. You can buy some more mushrooms with it.’
Mesellanillian paused in his fury, and Valia, Neurion and Obdo arrived at Archimegadon’s side, no doubt a little concerned by Mesellanillian’s wild shouting.
‘How many mushrooms?’ Mesellanillian asked.
‘What’s the current price for mushrooms?’ Archimegadon asked Obdo.
‘I don’t know,’ Obdo replied. ‘I sleep at the farm, I don’t work there.’
‘Oh shut up, I’ve changed my mind,’ Mesellanillian said.
‘On sending me to Elgebra?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘No, on accepting the reloran. I’m going to make sure you never reach the Dusk Alliance’s base,’ Mesellanillian said.
‘I told you not to offend him,’ Valia said to Archimegadon.
‘I was perfectly civil,’ Archimegadon said.
‘He wasn’t,’ Mesellanillian said.
‘Can you let the rest of us pass, master mage sir?’ Valia asked, trying a winning smile.
‘Definitely not!’ Mesellanillian replied. ‘I don’t like people anyway, but I am certainly no mage.’
‘Oh, I apologise, sir,’ Valia said.
‘I am a sorcerer!’ Mesellanillian said. ‘How else do you suppose I have lived over a thousand years?’
‘There’s a difference?’ Obdo asked.
‘Mages are the official bunch,’ Valia replied, and then she nudged Archimegadon. ‘Like our conman here. Sorcerers are what we call the self-trained magic-users, who seem to spend their time lazing around and extending their lives so they can laze around some more. They’re tolerated, but not really legal, since they aren’t regulated or written on some official list somewhere.’
Neurion scowled and reached for his sword, while Messellanillian looked less than impressed at the ‘lazy’ description.
Archimegadon thought things over before Neurion could unleash his spell of Holy Fury and kill them all. ‘Do you really have to mislead us and send us to heaven knows where?’ he asked.