“They’re so hungry for truth, Hannah. So hungry. And God gives me the privilege not just of discipling them in the classroom, but of being with them in the student center, sharing life and meals together. I thought when I left the church that I’d be walking away from ministry. But I just entered into a different kind. And I’m grateful for that.”
“You don’t miss the church?” How could he not miss pastoral ministry? She listened for any variation in tone, for any inflection that would contradict his smile.
“I do sometimes. But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be for this season of my life, so I’m at rest. I’m just taking the opportunities God is giving me to be fully present to him and to my students.”
At two-thirty she rose reluctantly from the table and walked with Nate to the parking lot. “So, Shep, where are you worshiping while you’re here?”
“Nowhere.” She knew he would press, so she quickly formulated an answer that would be honest without revealing the whole truth.
“Why?”
“Avoidance. I don’t know who I am when I’m not pastoring, and I don’t know how to worship when I’m not leading. So I haven’t bothered. I can’t turn off all the critical voices in my head, constantly evaluating all the elements of a worship service, so I haven’t gone. I haven’t wanted to battle the distractions.”
“I’m going to challenge you about that.”
She smiled wryly. “I figured you might.”
“You’re cutting yourself off from the very place where God can touch and heal you.” He paused. “I’ve learned over the past few years how important the body of Christ is. Sounds dumb for a former pastor to say I’ve only just learned that, but it’s true. We can’t be lone rangers. You need to be fed, Hannah—not just in the sacred journey group or in your private devotions. You need other believers around you, worshiping with you and encouraging you. The very thing you’ve been avoiding is exactly what you need. Even if it’s a struggle—even if it makes you feel lost and uncomfortable.”
“I know.” She sighed. “You’re right.” She wasn’t ready to confess that she had even deeper reasons for avoiding worship. She wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to admit that to Nate—not when the only Hannah Shepley he had ever known had been full of passion and devotion to God.
“I’ll be praying for you, Hannah. And I’m not just saying that. I’m praying for this sabbatical to be healing for you in whatever way God chooses.”
“Thank you. I need that.” She slid into the driver’s seat while he kept his hand on the door.
“You’ve got my number now, so call me, okay? I’d love to have lunch again. My schedule at the college is very flexible.”
“Okay, thanks. Thanks again.”
He had closed her door and was heading toward his car when he turned around, motioning for her to roll down the window. “You’re not alone, Shep.” His eyes were penetrating. “I think the Lord really wants you to know that you’re not alone.”
Since she couldn’t speak, she simply touched his sleeve and nodded before driving away.
October 18
6 a.m.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning, thinking about everything. I finally decided I might as well get up. So here I am.
What can I say? Yesterday took a turn I never could have predicted. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I was sitting across the table from Nate, just like we used to, sharing at deep levels about life and faith. Of course, the deepest levels of my heart aren’t visible to him. He has no clue where I am with God right now. Would he be shocked that Hannah Shepley—who was once so full of passion for Jesus—could feel so disappointed, distant, and angry?
But I’m not angry right now. The anger has passed. For now, anyway. At some point I’ll confess it and ask God’s forgiveness, but not yet. I’m not ready. Intellectually, I know I’m responsible for the choices I made years ago, but I made them for God. I made them for you, Lord, remember? I walked away because I honestly believed that’s what you wanted me to do.
Just sitting at lunch with him yesterday, the years melted away. I felt like myself for the first time in I don’t know how long. For the first time in years I wasn’t hiding behind some role or trying to meet somebody’s expectations. I was Hannah. Just Hannah. More than that—I was “Shep” again. I’d forgotten what that felt like, and I don’t know where to go with it.
I had just come to realize how deep my grief really is. I had just embraced how hard it’s going to be to confront these painful things from my past and bring them into the light. Now I’m afraid I’ll be distracted by Nathan again—that his reappearing as a friend right now is going to ease the sorrow just when I need to be facing it. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I don’t want the easy way out of this. I’m not looking for an escape route. If I’m really going to grieve and let go of old things, then I can’t be pulled off course.
But why would he reappear now? As a temptation and distraction, or as some kind of gift? I don’t know.
How do I even feel about him? Yesterday made me remember what an amazing friendship we shared for those two years. He was my best friend—like a brother to me. We were soul friends. I loved him more than I ever loved any other friend. But did I ever feel more than that for him? I don’t know. I don’t even know my own heart. I’m so confused.
And lost. I feel totally lost.
Help. Please. Help.
9
Found at the Crossroads
Tempted to slide back into mud,down to the bliss of oblivion,yet I hear the lure of my Lover,whispering through my story’s confusion.The God who draws me is urging me on,and I discover my faltering Yes.I stumble along the rough pathways,surprised by a hand that is grasping my own.
To and fro, back and forth,on the twists of the journey,courage moves me onwards,faith trusts in the future;wisdom makes me pause,I rest by the stream;taking time to delve deep,I listen for the Voice.
From Psalm 121, Jim Cotter, Psalms for a Pilgrim People
In the Wilderness
It was still dark when Katherine arrived at New Hope on the last Saturday of October. She left her books and bags in her office, then made her way down the hallway to the chapel, where she seated herself beneath the large wooden cross.
Katherine had been directing the sacred journey groups for years, and she knew that by this point of the pilgrimage, some of the travelers were growing weary and discouraged. Help me pray for them, Lord.
Opening her Bible to Isaiah 40, she began to read: “Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that she has served her term, that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins. A voice cries out: ‘In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.’”
Katherine prayed: Lord, let me speak your words of comfort and encouragement today. Let your dear ones hear your voice. Let them know how tenderly you care for them, how deeply you love them. May they hear your words of healing and grace, reassuring them that you yourself have paid the price for their sin. You have purchased their freedom. Clear away any obstacles that hinder your coming into their lives. Meet them in the wilderness of their fear and shame and sorrow and regret. Come, Lord God, and make straight paths for them to travel more deeply into your heart of love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Sacred Journey, New Hope Retreat Center
Session Four: Wilderness Prayer
Katherine Rhodes, Facilitator
_______________________________________________
Read the following text from Genesis 16:7-10 slowly and prayerfully.
The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave-girl of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am running away from my mistress Sarai.” The ang
el of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her.” The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will so greatly multiply your offspring that they cannot be counted for multitude.”
At a crossroads in Hagar’s life, the angel of the Lord asked two fundamental spiritual formation questions that are worthy of prayerful pondering: Where have you come from? Where are you going?
As we pursue deep transformation in Christ, we need to name and contemplate what has shaped us in the past. We also need to consider how we are moving forward in our life with God. The answers to these questions are not easy. They must be discerned and explored in cooperation with the Holy Spirit. Before you begin to journal your responses, spend some time asking the Spirit to bring to mind the people and events that have significantly shaped you.
Where have you come from? Ask God to give you courage to name not only the times when you have experienced his intimate presence, but also the times when you have felt God’s absence. What are the formative moments that have shaped your life with God?
Where are you going? Consider the invitations God is currently giving you. How is God leading and guiding you into a deeper awareness of his love and care for you? What promises of God are giving you hope for the future? How will you continue to be with the God who is always with you?
“Well, here we are at the midpoint of our pilgrimage,” Katherine said as she welcomed the group to their fourth session. “I’m hoping you’ve already traveled some significant distance in your journeys with God.”
“Amen!” Mara said quietly. Meg smiled at her and nodded.
“I’m glad,” said Katherine, responding to nods and voices around the room. “Keep going! It takes practice to form new habits of prayer.”
Charissa leaned over to Hannah and whispered something Mara couldn’t hear.
Hannah smiled and nodded.
Mara frowned.
Katherine continued, “I also hope that you’re experiencing the blessings that come from staying with what stirs you, whether you’re paying attention to the joy and pleasure in God, or to the agitation and sorrow. The Holy Spirit is working in all things.”
Mara was watching Charissa out of the corner of her eye, resenting that the stuck-up supermodel had become friendly with Meg and Hannah. Mara would be far happier, far less distracted if Charissa were sitting at a different table. Then again, Charissa had actually smiled and greeted Mara when she arrived. But Mara wasn’t going to be influenced by something that superficial. Who knew what Charissa’s motives were?
Shifting her weight, Mara turned her back toward Charissa and tried to concentrate.
Katherine said, “We’re going to start by praying with a couple of verses from a text in Genesis: the story of God finding Hagar in the wilderness.”
Mara raised her eyebrows in surprise. “My story,” she whispered to Meg. “I know this one by heart.”
Meg smiled and nodded.
Mara didn’t have to listen while Katherine described the setting and context for the passage. She knew all about the Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar love triangle. Well, not exactly a love triangle. There was no evidence Abraham actually loved Sarah’s servant Hagar—just that he and Sarah decided to use her to fulfill God’s promise of descendants. After all, God was taking too long and clearly needed their help and ingenuity.
Their plan was disastrous, though, resulting in family conflict that rivaled anything Mara had ever seen on reality television: Sarah tells Abraham to get Hagar pregnant since Sarah can’t have children; Hagar gets pregnant and flaunts it, enraging Sarah; Abraham doesn’t want to get caught in the middle of a cat fight, so he takes the path of least resistance and tells Sarah to go ahead and do whatever she wants to Hagar; Sarah unleashes her anger on Hagar; and Hagar runs away with Abraham’s child growing in her belly.
“There are handouts coming around to your tables,” Katherine explained. “I’ve included the text and your reflection questions on the page: Where have you come from? And where are you going? For the next half hour or so, I invite you to consider these two questions. You may wish to journal a timeline of your life, identifying significant and formative events and influences. What has shaped you? Where have you perceived God’s presence or felt God’s absence? What are the significant moments of experiencing and knowing God? Don’t rush this process. I don’t expect you to finish this today. This is just a chance to begin pondering the scope of your own journey—to see how everything fits together in the larger picture of your life.”
Mara took the handout from Meg and passed one to Hannah.
Katherine said, “Taking the time to slow down and journal our thoughts and feelings is one way of intentionally welcoming God into the process of reflection. In the safety of our journal pages, we have the freedom to be authentic, inviting the Spirit to help us listen to our lives. Be as truthful and honest as possible. No one else is going to be looking at what you’ve written.”
Mara stared at the page. It would take her hours and hours to answer those questions. But at least she had already done some of the hard work of looking at where she had come from.
She wondered how Charissa would answer the questions. She supposed Charissa had come from a perfect family, never having to endure any kind of significant conflict or pain. Maybe that’s why she was so hard-hearted, so condescending and judgmental. Maybe that’s why she was such a . . . such a—
Mara gritted her teeth, bit her mind’s tongue, and tried to listen carefully to Katherine again.
“Some of you are paying attention to the things that provoke you,” Katherine was saying. “You’re uncovering areas of sorrow, shame, guilt, or regret. Perhaps, like Hagar, you’ve been on the run, not wanting to confront painful things from your past. Maybe you’re discovering God’s invitation to stop running and to go back to the past with God’s blessing, as difficult as that might be.”
Mara wasn’t sure, but it looked like Katherine’s eyes were misty.
“Now, please don’t misunderstand me,” Katherine said earnestly. “I’m not talking about physically returning to situations of abuse, okay? I’m using this text metaphorically to help us with our sacred journeys, not as a command to return to something dangerous. It’s extremely important that you aren’t confused about that.”
Katherine was quiet a long time as she looked out upon the group. “God always intends good for us,” she finally said. “Always. There is nothing but love in God’s heart for you. I promise. And because God loves you more than you can possibly comprehend, he will gently reveal areas of discomfort, pain, and agitation—not to cause you harm, but so that you can identify where it hurts and turn to him for comfort and healing.
“At the beginning of his public ministry, Jesus announced that he had come to preach good news to the poor, to open the eyes of the blind, and to set captives free. This is the work that Jesus devoted himself to. And it’s the same work that God is still doing by the power of the Holy Spirit, our Counselor and Comforter. God comes into our lives to redeem our pain and set us free.”
I’d like to be free, thought Mara. Free from lots of things. Lots and lots of things.
She sighed heavily.
Katherine continued, “We begin our journey to freedom when we go back to the places where we were spiritually, emotionally, and mentally wounded. But this time we go with God’s presence, help, and strength. No matter how frightening and messy it feels, God invites us to trust him. The Lord does some of his most beautiful work in the midst of the messiness and brokenness of our lives.”
Mara was watching Charissa again out of the corner of her eye. Hear that, Princess? she thought. Sitting there so perfectly put together. You don’t have a clue what Katherine’s even talking about, do you? What mess have you ever had to deal with, Kristie?
Kristie?
Charissa. Her name is Charissa.
So why was she thinking Kristie?
Kristie Van Buren had been coming to mind a lot lately. Far too frequently. Mara
supposed that if she were to write a brutally honest timeline of her life, tracking her years of rejection and pain, Kristie would be one of the first people she would list as a significant influence. Did she really want to dig up those memories again?
No. Definitely not.
“Years ago I served as a chaplain at St. Luke’s Hospital,” Katherine was saying. “Sometimes I would visit the rehabilitation unit for burn victims. These dear people were enduring excruciating pain just to heal, submitting their bodies to grueling physical therapy. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Sometimes I would meet patients who refused physical therapy. Healing was too painful, and they wanted to avoid more pain. They desperately wanted to avoid pain.”
Pain, Payne. Mara Payne.
Mara stared at the page while echoes of old familiar voices began to play on a continuous loop in her head.
Go away, Mara! Can’t you see that nobody wants to play with you?
Nobody wants you. Nobody.
The words on the page were starting to blur together.
Payne, Payne, go away. Don’t come back another day!
Singsong voices taunted her, encircling her and growing louder with her efforts to ignore them. They were swirling and whirling, the squeals of children’s derisive laughter becoming the angry shouts of a lover’s rage.
Don’t come back! Don’t ever come back! You’re a No-Good Whore! You hear me? A No-Good Whore!
She put her hands over her ears, but the accusing, condemning voices didn’t stop.
Well, have you seen where she lives? She’s so dirty, my mother didn’t even want to have her in our house!
She’s so dirty, so dirty, so dirty . . .
Tears were splattering on the handout, and Mara could no longer see the words.
Why, why, why? Why did her same buttons get pushed over and over again?
She wished her nine-year-old self would just grow up.
A Story about the Spiritual Journey Page 25