Together, braving the cold wind and the uncertainties that faced them, they drove to Lanni’s parents’ home near Tacoma.
The late-night visit with her family was little short of hilarious. Her mother brought out Christmas cake and coffee, all the while dressed in an old terry-cloth housecoat that was cinched at the waist. When Judd explained the reason for their unexpected appearance, Lanni noticed a silent tear slip from her mother’s eye.
Her father, on the other hand, sat on the sofa with his legs crossed, nodding now and again, and seemed to have been struck speechless. Eighteen-year-old Jade hid on the top stair outside her bedroom door, not wanting to come down because she had a face mask on.
After leaving her parents’ place, Judd and Lanni located an all-night diner and sat drinking mugs of spiced hot cider.
“Are you sure you still want to go through with this?” she asked, half expecting Judd to have decided otherwise.
“I want it now more than ever.” His hand gripped hers as though the simple action linked them together for all time.
“Then I’ve made a decision.”
“Okay, let’s hear it.”
“I want to be married on the first weekend of the new year,” she stated decisively.
“I don’t want a formal wedding. No bridesmaids, just Jade as my maid of honor, and no organ music. I’m not even sure I want the long flowing gown and veil.”
He nodded, agreeing with her.
“At dusk I think, just before the sun sets, when the sky is golden and the stars are outlined in the heavens.”
“Sundown sounds nice.”
“Our love is so unexpected and special that I don’t want to be bound by the chains of tradition.”
“I agree,” he murmured, and smiled softly.
“I want to be married in a hundred-year-old church on Vashon Island. I’m afraid it may be closed down, so we’ll need to see about having it opened for the wedding.” She paused to hear his reaction, but like her father only minutes before, Judd was speechless. “It’s near the beach,” she elaborated. “My grandmother attended services there nearly all her life. I always loved that old church. I want us to be married there.”
“Anything else?” He looked skeptical.
“I don’t think so.”
“A hundred-year-old church that may be closed down?”
“Right.”
Judd looked doubtful.
“Well, what do you think?” She knew it sounded impractical, but she was in love for the first time in her life and everything had to be perfect. She planned to be married only once.
His expression softened as he raised her fingertips to his mouth and lovingly pressed his lips against them. “All these weeks we’ve been seeing each other, I’ve wondered what it was about you that attracted me so strongly. I’ve known beautiful women in the past, but I’ve never wanted to marry any of them. Listening to your appreciation of the past and your love of beauty helps me to understand why I find you so extraordinary.”
And so they were married in a tiny church close to a windswept shore as the sun set in the background. The sound of the waves slapping against the pebble beach echoed in the distance as a handful of family and friends formed a half-circle around them. Outside, seagulls soared, their calls merging with the sounds of the water. When Judd slipped the ring on Lanni’s finger, their eyes met and held, and Lanni knew then that she would never know a happiness greater than that moment…
* * *
—
A tear slipped from the corner of Lanni’s eye and rolled down the side of her face, wetting her pillowcase. Somehow things had gone very wrong. Maybe she’d gotten pregnant too soon, she didn’t know. Judd had changed jobs twice within the first year they were married. He seemed to become bored with routine. Then, after Jenny was born, everything had gone wrong.
She recalled the night Jenny was sick with an ear infection and cried incessantly. Helpless to know how to comfort the three-month-old baby, Lanni had walked the bedroom floor, gently holding the baby against her shoulder and patting her tiny back. But nothing she did seemed to quiet her.
Judd had staggered into the room. “I can’t sleep with you in here. Let me walk her while you try to sleep.”
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said, and continued pacing. Trying to lighten the mood, she told him something her mother had recently claimed. “We should enjoy these days. It’s said that they’re supposed to be the best times of our lives.”
Judd had chuckled. “You mean it gets worse?”
For them it had. Much, much worse.
* * *
—
Her pillowcase was damp before Lanni reached for a tissue from her nightstand and wiped her face. She’d assumed all her tears over Judd had been shed. The power he held to dredge up the past and hurt her was frightening. She couldn’t allow that to continue. Severing the relationship was vital for her emotional well-being. Since he’d been gone, her life had been in limbo. She lived a solitary lifestyle and yet she was bound by invisible chains. Having lived with Judd those first years, she was well aware of his hearty sexual appetite. She couldn’t believe that he had been faithful to her.
The instant flash of pain that shot through her was so fierce and so sudden that Lanni bolted upright. She had to get away from Judd, no matter the price.
* * *
—
The following morning, Jenny woke and came into Lanni’s room. Her eager fingers tugged at the pillow. “Mommy, are you awake?”
One eyelid reluctantly opened. “Nope.”
“I’m hungry.”
It had been almost morning before Lanni had drifted off to sleep. When the alarm had rung, she rolled over and turned it off. Going to the office would be completely unproductive. Her head hurt and her eyes ached from hours of restless tossing.
“What time is it?” she asked Jenny, unwilling to open her eyes to read the clock.
Jenny climbed off the bed and raced into the kitchen. In an effort to escape the inevitable, Lanni buried her head under the plump pillow.
Within seconds Jenny was back. “The big hand is on the eleven and the little hand on the eight.”
“Okay,” Lanni mumbled. It was nearly eight. Normally Jenny would have been fed and dressed before now and ready for the day-care center. “I’ll get up in a couple of minutes.”
“Can I have Cap’n Crunch cereal?”
“Yes,” she mumbled, “but I’ll pour the milk.”
“When will Daddy be here? He said he was coming back, didn’t he?”
This time Lanni forced her eyes open. “I don’t know.”
“But he said…”
“Then he’ll be here.”
Lanni had spent a sleepless night, trapped in indecision. Judd wanted to take Jenny. She couldn’t let him. The best thing to do would be to hold her ground. It was unreasonable of him to arrive unannounced and ask to take their daughter. And yet, Lanni understood. Judd’s father was dying.
As the early light of dawn dappled the horizon, before Lanni slept, the questions had become more tangled, the answers more elusive, and the doubts overwhelming.
Now, sitting upright in the bed, she tossed the blankets aside and stood, glancing at her daughter. “You know what I want to do?”
“What?” From the way Jenny answered her, Lanni could tell all that interested her daughter at the moment was eating her sugar-coated cereal.
“Let’s go to the beach,” she suggested, knowing that Jenny loved it as much as she did. “I’ll call the office and tell them I’m not coming in and we’ll escape for the day.”
“Can I have breakfast first?”
As Lanni had expected, Jenny was more concerned with her stomach. Lanni followed her into the kitchen and poured the cold milk over her cereal. While Jenny ate, Lanni dressed in faded
jeans and a pale pink sweatshirt.
After making the necessary phone calls and sticking Jenny’s breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, they packed a small lunch.
Seahurst Park on the shores of Puget Sound was only a short distance from the house. Had she felt more chipper, Lanni could have pedaled her bike to the park, placing Jenny in the child’s seat attached to the rear of the ten-speed. But her eyes burned from her sleepless night and she had no desire to expend unnecessary energy.
They found a parking place in the large lot and carried their lunch down to the pebble beach. The waters of the sound were much too cold for swimming during any season of the year, so they spent the first hour exploring the beach, locating small treasures.
As her father had done with her as a child, Lanni had given Jenny a love and appreciation for the sea. Barefoot, they walked along the shore. The swelling waves broke against the sand, leaving a creamy trail in their wake. Lanni paused to breathe in the fresh salt-laden air.
The four-year-old discovered a small seashell to add to her growing collection. Soon a variety of valuables were stored in the plastic bucket. A smooth, shiny rock; a dried piece of kelp; and a broken sand dollar were the rare finds of the morning’s outing.
“I want to show this to my daddy,” Jenny told her proudly, holding a tiny seashell in her palm.
Lanni managed to disguise her distress. Jenny had a right to know and love her father, but at what price? Judd would take her for a week or two and then drift out of their lives again. Only heaven knew if he’d ever show up again.
As an adult, Lanni had trouble dealing emotionally with Judd’s disappearances. If he hurt her, she could just imagine what he would do to Jenny. As Jenny’s mother, she couldn’t allow Judd to hurt their daughter.
When they returned from the lazy stroll, Lanni noticed a tall male figure silhouetted against the bulkhead, watching them. It didn’t take her long to recognize the man as Judd.
“I thought I’d find you here,” he murmured, joining her. His footsteps joined hers.
“How’d you know where I’d go?”
A light but sad smile curved one corner of his mouth. “Whenever anything was wrong between us, you’d go to the beach.”
“It’s beautiful here. I needed time to think.”
“Have you decided?”
Lanni understood his urgency, but this decision was too important to rush. They were talking about the future of their daughter’s life and the memories she would store in her young mind about her father and grandfather.
“Look what I found!” Jenny’s tightly clenched hand opened to reveal the small pinkish shell in her palm.
“Did you find it by yourself?”
Jenny looked up at her mother. “Mommy helped. And see what else.” She lifted the yellow bucket filled with her priceless finds.
With unexpected patience, Judd sorted through Jenny’s small treasures, commenting on each one. The little girl beamed with pride at the words of praise and soon ran off to play on the swing set.
Wordlessly, Lanni followed, sitting on a park bench within easy sight of the playground toys.
Judd claimed the seat, settling his lanky build beside her. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks.” Her eyes narrowed into slits and she bit back a more caustic reply. He was probably right. She hadn’t bothered to do anything more than run a brush through her hair.
“When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
She shrugged and added, her tone waspish, “I had a dinner date last night, but unfortunately that was interrupted.” She could feel Judd grow tense and experienced a small sense of triumph. But almost immediately she felt guilty for baiting him. They were playing the games they always did after one of his long absences.
“I didn’t mean that to sound the way it did,” she whispered.
“Sure you did, Lanni, but don’t worry. I don’t plan to stick around long enough to interfere with any more of your dates.”
“I didn’t imagine you would.”
“All I want is my daughter, and then I’ll be on my way.”
She was silent for a long moment. When she spoke, her voice was soft and strained. “I didn’t sleep much last night,” she admitted. “Memories kept me awake, forcing me to face how I felt. I haven’t wanted to do that these last couple of years.”
“Lanni—”
“No, please, let me finish,” she whispered. “I loved you, Judd, really loved you. I don’t know what went wrong. A thousand times I’ve gone over our marriage and…”
“Nothing went wrong.”
Her teeth bit unmercifully into the skin on the inside of her cheek. “You left me and Jenny, walked out the door without so much as a backward glance. Something was very wrong. You said yesterday that I suffocated you. I didn’t know that…I honestly never knew that.”
“It was wrong in the beginning.”
“It wasn’t,” she contradicted. “You can’t have forgotten how good it was with us. That first year was—”
“The happiest of my life.”
“Then Jenny was born and—” She stopped abruptly in midsentence, her eyes widening. “You didn’t want the baby?” She’d had a miserable pregnancy, but Judd had been marvelous. He’d taken the Lamaze classes with her and had been loving and supportive the entire nine months. Maybe it was because he had been so caring and gentle with her that Lanni had been unable to recognize the root of their problems. Not once had she suspected that Jenny was the beginning of their troubles.
“I wanted children.” His eyes burned into hers, defying her to deny it. “You can’t doubt that.”
Remembering the day Jenny was born and the emotion she’d witnessed on Judd’s proud face, she realized he couldn’t be lying. “Those first months after she was born weren’t easy on you.”
“They weren’t easy on either of us,” he returned gruffly. “I didn’t know one baby could cry so much.”
“She was colicky.”
“I know. I was there.”
Lanni dropped her gaze. “But only part of the time.”
Jenny was less than six months old when Judd left the first time. Lanni had felt like a zombie by the time he returned. Day in and day out she was alone with the baby, cut off from the world. If it hadn’t been for her parents, Lanni was convinced she would have gone crazy. She and Judd were new to the neighborhood, and Lanni hadn’t met any of the other mothers. The only adult contact she had during those long, miserable weeks had been her parents and Jade.
“Right,” Judd echoed. “I was only there part of the time.”
The silence stretched between them, heavy and oppressive. Her heart pounded wildly in her ears and she stared at him for several long seconds before she was able to continue. “All night I thought about when you left. I…I drove you away, didn’t I? I never let you know what I was feeling, holding it all inside until…until…”
“Lanni, no.” His hand took hers, squeezing her fingers so hard that they ached. “Stop trying to blame yourself. It’s me who was wrong. I should never have asked you to share my life. Not when I knew all along that I was all wrong for you.”
“You told me once you found the walls closing in around you. You tried to tell me, but I didn’t understand.”
“Stop blaming yourself.” Judd’s response was instantaneous and sharp. “It was both of us. We were young and immature.”
She held her chin at a regal angle, refusing to expose the doubts and agonies she’d endured. “But you left anyway.”
His eyes revealed the struggle he waged within himself. “I saw you hold back the tears and I hated what I was doing to you and the baby. I never wanted anything to work more than my life with you. I tried, Lanni, you know I tried.”
“We’ve been through all this before,” she whispered, hardly able to find her vo
ice. “It doesn’t do any good to drag it up again. At least for us it doesn’t. The arguments have already been said.”
“Mommy, Daddy, look,” Jenny shouted, her shrill voice filled with glee. An older child stood behind the little girl, pushing the swing. Jenny’s short legs eagerly pumped in and out She leaned back as far as her hands would allow and pointed her toes at the sky, straining to reach higher and higher.
“Jenny,” Lanni said, coming to her feet. “That’s enough.”
“I want to go real high.”
“Jenny, no…” Terror rose in her throat, strangling off her reply as the swing rose steadily until the chain buckled, swerved, and tossed the little girl to the ground.
“Oh no.” For a paralyzing second Lanni couldn’t move.
“Jenny.” Judd’s own voice revealed his silent terror.
The child lay prone on the sand, holding her stomach and kicking her stubby legs.
Judd moved first, reaching Jenny before Lanni. He bent over the child, his face devoid of color. “She’s had the wind knocked out of her.”
“Do something,” Lanni pleaded. “She can’t breathe.”
“She will in a minute.”
But Judd’s assurances didn’t ease Lanni’s fear. Her fingers bit into his shoulder until Jenny sucked in a gulp of air and let out a horrifying cry. Judd picked Jenny up and handed her to Lanni. Sitting in the sand, she held the child to her shoulder and gently rocked back and forth, trying to comfort her. Lanni was trembling so hard that she felt faint for a moment.
“She’ll be all right.”
Judd’s words barely registered above Jenny’s frantic cries, which gained volume with every breath she inhaled. Gradually her cries subsided into giant hiccupping sobs.
Carefully coming to a stand, Lanni carried her over to the park bench where she’d been sitting. With the little girl in her lap, she brushed the hair from her small temple, searching for evidence of any further injuries. “Tell me where it hurts.”
The child shook her head, not wanting to talk.
All Things Considered Page 5