by Ancelli
Richard walked up to the table. "Sorry, I'm late."
"You're always late," she raised an eyebrow as he sat. "I'm going to start arriving a half an hour after the time you tell me."
"I said I'm sorry. I've only been late a couple of times," he picked up a menu. "How was your morning?"
"The usual," she took a sip of her water. "You would be proud of me; I ran four miles this morning."
"You should've told me; I would've joined you."
"Last time you did, you almost killed me.” Last time she ran with Richard, he stopped every half mile to do push-ups and sit-ups, and get back up and continue running. By the end of the run she was beyond exhausted trying to keep up with him. “I like running at my own pace." She looked over her menu, even though she already knew what she was ordering, chicken and waffles.
"How many more pounds do you have to lose before weighing in?"
The Navy Physical Fitness Test was in a couple of weeks, and she was trying very hard to meet the standards to pass the weight portion on the test, if not she would have to get taped. They would measure her neck, waist and hips, and her body fat would have to be within thirty-three percent. Maya didn’t understand how they came up with the standards, but it didn’t matter, she had to lead by example.
She placed the menu down on the table. "Are you calling me fat?"
"No, you look good just the way you are, but you said you had to lose some weight. So, I assumed it was because they said you were overweight."
“I’m not overweight,” Maya raised her voice. “I can’t help it that I have a nice ass,” She laughed, "I have a few pounds to lose. I love my curves." Maya took a sip of her water.
"Me too," he winked at her, and then Richard stared at her hand. “When are you taking it off?”
She placed the cup down. “Soon.”
“Soon,” Richard raised his eyebrow. “Maya he’s not coming back, it’s time you let it go.”
“I know,” she hid her hand under the table. “I’ve already let go.”
“No you haven’t,” he pointed at her hidden hand. “Not if you’re still wearing that piece of jewelry.”
“I’m trying,” her voice was soft.
“Is dating me trying?” Richard asked.
“You already know the answer to that,” she moved back, not able to look him in the eyes. “I like you, Richard, that’s a big step for me. I haven’t been attracted to anyone since my husband, that says a lot. You’ve been patient, and I thank you. Me taking off my ring doesn’t make me ready to move on.”
“Are you ready?”
“I think so,” Jesse flashed in her mind, goodbye my love.
“You’ve made my day,” Richard smiled, and then he looked out the window. His smile disappeared, and he shook his head.
"What's wrong?" she studied his facial expression, it was scrunched up, in a sign of disgust. “I thought that’s what you wanted to hear?”
"Why would anyone hold up a sign that says homeless veteran and ask for money? He needs to go get a fucking job or get some help."
She leaned back in her seat in surprise. "I hope you didn't tell him that."
Richard stared at her, "No, I asked him if he was really a veteran, and if he was he needed to go to Veterans Affairs for help."
"What did he say?" she was intrigued.
"He shut me up," he chuckled. "He said he made Chief Hospital Corpsman in eight years, mentioned all his tours, the time served in Afghanistan, and then he continued to tell me, it was none of my fucking business."
"He's right," Maya waved down the waiter, and they ordered their lunch. When the waiter excused himself she continued. "Richard, you don't know what led him to that corner. You wear the uniform," she pointed at his clothes. "You should have compassion for people like him, instead of judging him."
"Maya, he looks like a healthy man. He can go get a job, and stop feeling sorry for himself, stop begging for food."
Her mouth dropped open, "That's all he's asking for, food?" she couldn't believe Richard at the moment. "That could be me or you."
"That will never be us," Richard said in a stern voice. "I wouldn't let myself be there, and you neither. I don't believe he was a chief, ain't no way."
Maya glanced over at the homeless man, noticing how people passed by ignoring him, and all he wanted was a meal. "Excuse me," She dug in her purse, grabbed her wallet and pulled out three twenty dollar bills. Maya got up from the table, taking her cover.
"You're leaving?" he asked, getting up too.
"No, I’m not leaving, Richard," she half laughed, "I need to take care of something. I’ll be back." he sat back down and watched her as she walked over to the cash register. "Can I have two lunch specials to go, please?"
Chapter Two
Maya placed her cover on her head before exiting the diner with two bags in her right hand. She couldn't believe Richard; the poor man wasn't asking for money for drugs or alcohol. All he wanted was a meal. She ambled over to the man as he bent down and placed his sign in his overused book bag. His back was turned toward her. He combed his fingers through his long blond hair and slipped on a ball cap. He stood, tucking in his locks through the hole in his cap. He was about the same height as Richard. He placed his book bag over his shoulder, and then he turned around, but she couldn't quite see his eyes. He picked up his cane, and slowly started walking with a limp.
"Excuse me," she called out, but he continued. "Excuse me, sir!" She jogged after him. “Chief!”
He stopped, looking back at her.
"I got you some lunch," Maya took a couple of strides and she was in front of him. She extended her arm. "Enjoy," she smiled.
He grabbed the bags, "Thank you, Chief,” he stared at the anchor on her collar. “God bless you." He bent his head, now she really couldn’t see his face. Maya studied him for a minute, and noticed that he didn’t smell. His clothes were neat and clean, his t-shirt, pants, and jacket had a few holes in them, and he was in need of a new pair of sneakers. There was something about him, his voice sounded so familiar. She stared at him a little longer, but then he tilted his cap lower.
“You're welcome,” Maya went to turn away, but something caught her eye. As he adjusted the straps on his bag, she saw a gold wedding band matching hers, and then she gasped when she saw the tattoo on his ring finger, 05-05-07. Her heart stopped, she couldn't breathe. Maya began to have a panic attack. “Jes...se...” she couldn't even hear herself. He didn't hear her as he went to walk away. No it couldn't be, my husband couldn’t be homeless, he has a fucking home. “Jesse!” she finally found her voice. “Jesse!”
He paused, and then continued like he didn’t hear her.
Maya rushed in front of him, and snatched off his cap. She covered her mouth with her hand, "Jesse, it's you." It was her husband. She touched her chest, her heart felt like it wanted to jump out of her chest. He’d lost a lot of weight, his hair was long, and the spark in his eyes was no longer there.
Jesse just stared at her, no emotion in his eyes.
Maya inched forward, touched his jaw, and then his arms. What happened to get him here? Without thinking another thought Maya wrapped her arms around him. "Oh my God, Jesse. You're alive." Tears ran down her face, and she started to sob. She was holding the missing piece of her happiness, she was finally home in his arms. He dropped the bag with food on the ground and circled his strong arms around her waist, holding on tightly. She missed his bear hugs, they always made her feel safe, and now she hoped she made him feel safe. It was him, so many years wondering, and he was right under her nose. She leaned back, he hadn't said a word. Was he okay? "Jesse, do you remember me?" maybe he lost his memory.
"Maya," he cupped her face with his calloused hands, “My beauty,” Jesse wiped her tears away. "I can never forget you." His fingers were shaking as he caressed her cheeks. “You’ve always had a kind heart. I knew it was you the minute you spoke.” Maya forgot that she was in uniform, and she got up on her tiptoes, and gave him a
feather kiss on his lips. Jesse pressed his lips against her mouth. It felt like no time had elapsed between them. It felt like a piece of heaven. Jesse slowly pulled back. “I prayed you would never have to see me like this. I have to go," he picked up the bag with the food.
"What?" she raised her voice. "Jesse, we have to talk. There's so much I need to tell you, to ask you."
“Maya,” he bent down picking up his cane. “Look at me,” he softly said pointing at his clothes. “I had nothing to offer you then, remember? And I certainly don’t have anything to offer you now.”
His words hit her like a ton of bricks, she didn’t mean those words years ago. The memories resurfaced from the last time she’d seen Jesse.
~~~
Jesse was hurt when an explosive went off in Afghanistan on his last tour. He was one of the lucky ones. His injuries weren’t as serious as some others. He had some cuts and bruises, and they said he’d loss some of his nerve feelings in his right foot. Maya remembered getting the call that he was hurt and being transported to the U.S. Maya and his family rushed to the hospital as soon as he was admitted. He was alive and that was all that mattered, but his condition was more severe than they’d let on. Jesse had to have his right foot amputated, and she was by his side every step of the way. He woke up and didn’t take the news well. Jesse asked who gave them permission to cut his limb off. They did what they had to in order to save his leg. He wouldn’t see anyone but Maya, not even his parents or sister. She sat day and night by his bedside, and he would talk to their growing baby in her stomach. No matter what Jesse was going through, he saw hope every time he felt the baby move. He said he would survive anything, even losing his foot for them.
Maya was laughing with Jesse; she couldn’t believe how well he was recovering from his injury. They were talking about her getting out of the Navy and opening her own business. She would stay home with the baby and be able to make her own hours. While they were talking, out of nowhere, a sharp pain shot through her protruding belly, making her cry out in pain. The next thing she remembered was waking up feeling empty. Baby J, was stillborn. Maya had lost their baby. The stress of the prior days, not knowing what was going to happen, and seeing Jesse hurt, all finally got to her.
Jesse blamed himself for the lost of their child, he thought if it wasn’t for him getting injured she would still be carrying the baby, but the doctor’s said it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Maya tried to make Jesse see that it wasn’t him that caused her miscarriage, but he pulled away from her little by little and that’s how the downfall started. Jesse stopped eating, didn’t want to talk to anyone, it’s like he locked himself in a box and wouldn’t let anyone in. His doctor’s were afraid he would try to hurt himself, he wallowed in his pain and pushed Maya away. After a few months of his foot healing, Jesse was supposed to start physical therapy, but he wouldn’t cooperate with his doctors. Maya couldn’t take watching the strong man she loved, die little by little in front of her.
They made a prosthetic foot for him, and he wouldn’t wear it. His uncle Joshua showed up and knocked some sense into him. To this day she doesn’t know what he told him. When he finally started physical therapy, he was told that he would need to use a cane to help him walk, even with the prosthetic.
The death of their son took a toll on the marriage. She convinced him to attend marriage counseling, but he wouldn’t open up the way she did. Maya was getting the help she needed with coping with losing Baby J, however Jesse wasn’t. He would sit in the baby’s nursery for hours, and she could hear him cry. Each time she heard him sob, she would loose it too. Maya never interrupted him, she told herself that he needed closure. One day she came home early and packed all the baby’s stuff up and donated it to a military charity, it was time to let go. He came home after therapy, saw the nursery door open, and walked in. He yelled, “No!” and slammed the door shut. From that day on, he stopped going to any type of counseling.
A couple of months later Jesse went up for a medical board and they medically separating him from the Navy. He took it as a slap in the face, after all the years he dedicated to the Navy, he felt betrayed, like he wasn’t good enough to serve anymore because of a situation they put him in. Jesse stopped attending physical therapy. He told Maya he could handle things on his own. The intimacy between them was non existent. They’d only had sex once since he came home, and Maya felt like he made love to her out of obligation. It was the night of their anniversary, that he’d forgotten about, and she’d broken down in tears because of everything they’d been through. Jesse let her talk and he listened, but never once did he share how he was feeling, instead he seduced her into bed. The next day they were back to normal. Maya knew there was something deeper going on, but she didn’t know how to help him anymore.
One day Maya came home from work, and he was laying on the couch. She couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “Jesse, when are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself?”
He glared at her. “I don’t feel sorry for myself.”
“I’ve tried to support you, but you’re making it difficult.” She placed her purse on the side table, and started listing things. “You hardly talk to me. We used to be able to talk about anything, and then laugh about it the next day. I need to know what you’re feeling. How am I supposed to help you, if you don’t tell me?”
“Maya, I don’t need your help,” he raised his voice. “You don’t talk to me either. We’re living like strangers in this fucking house. You think I asked for this?” he slammed his cane on the floor. “Our lives aren’t turning out the way we wanted it to. You were supposed to get out, and raise our kids. All I wanted to do was make you happy, take care of my family.” He swallowed. “And now you’re the head of this house.”
“Our lives are what we make of it, plans are meant to be changed,” Maya paced. “Changes can be good or bad, it’s how we handle them. Jesse, you are the king of this house,” she sighed. “But you’re right, I can’t handle everything by myself. Your monthly checks and what I make won’t be enough, especially if we plan on having a family one day.”
“I’m trying the best that I can.”
“Really? Do you even still want a family?” she spat. “When was the last time you got off your ass and went looking for a job?” They could survive on what they were making, but she wanted him to live again, be himself. Maya wanted him to know his worth.
He didn’t answer.
“Jesse, where is the man that made me believe in his dreams, and told me to hold on for the ride? The man that went against his parents’ wishes and married me,” she pointed at herself. “The man that wanted to share a future with me. This can’t be your future, sitting in the dark, wallowing in self pity. Where is the man I fell in love with?”
He stood. “That man died the day his son did,” his voice cracked. “Maya, I’m the fucking reason Jr died.” She thought he would mention his disability, not their baby.
“Deep down you blame me, don’t you?” Maya stared into his eyes. “As his mother I should’ve kept him safe!” Tears started rolling down her cheeks, because this was how she really felt. Their son was all Jesse talked about when he was on deployment, how he couldn’t wait to hold and kiss him. He bragged that he would be there for the birth in one month, how much he loved their little family, and he couldn’t wait to have more little Harvey’s running around their home. Now look where they were. “Did you ever think about my feelings? No!” she yelled. “I grieved for him by myself, because you were too selfish to share your grief with me,” she roared. “I never blamed you, I held myself responsible, but you want me to cast the blame on you,” she pointed at him. “Would that make you feel any better, Jesse?” Maya took a deep breath as tears continued to roll down her face. “Then I blame you for our son not being here. I blame you for letting me believe in you, in us. I blame you because after all these years of loving you, you don’t have anything to offer me.” She glared at him, sobbing, and stormed off to their bedroom to cry alone like she
always did.
***
Maya calmed down, and went into the bathroom, after a few minutes she came out of their bedroom with happy tears shining in her eyes. “Jesse, I’m so sorry…” she wiped her face with the back of her hand. “I didn’t mean what I said, baby, I don’t blame you for anything, I know you’re trying your best. We took vows for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death due us part,” she smiled coming around the corner. “I love you, and we will make it through this, because…” she stopped. Where was he? She looked at the empty couch, and walked into the kitchen, and he wasn’t there either. She searched the other rooms, and bathrooms, but Jesse was nowhere to be found. Maya opened the front door, and his car was gone. Her heart raced, she had a bad feeling.
She rushed over to her purse and dug for her cell phone. She grabbed it, and dialed. “Jesse, please come home. I have to talk to you. I’m so sorry, I let my emotions take over me, please come home,” Maya sobbed. She swiped her fingers over the screen and cried herself to sleep, she didn’t mean the words that came out her mouth, but it was too late to take back. Maya didn’t blame him for anything, he was her rock. Jesse didn’t deserve those vicious words. She waited all night, and didn’t hear from him, on day two she called in a missing person to the authorities.
Then days turned into months and the cops finally found his vehicle submerged in a lake in another city. Maya was devastated, however they didn’t find a body. No body meant that Jesse could still be alive, regardless of what they thought. They assumed he probably committed suicide because of everything he was going through or he just up and left. His parents believed he was dead, but not Maya, something in her heart knew he was still alive, that’s why she never claimed any insurance. She hired a PI and he said the last thing he had on Jesse was three weeks after he left the house, after that they couldn’t find a trace of him. He didn’t use his debit, credit cards, he never pulled out any money from the bank, nothing. It’s like he disappeared until now.