“You can’t leave! I need you,” she wailed and then felt a gentle touch on her shoulder. Startled, she looked up to see Grandma Val.
“Shh honey,” she said comfortingly. “He loves you too. You know that. Never forget that. Be strong for him,” she said as tears began to fall from her eyes.
The words resonated in Kathryn’s ears. Be strong for him. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply through her nose and out of her mouth and a few minutes later had regained control of herself.
“I love you Ben. I will love you for as long as I live,” and with that, Kathryn reached up and tenderly kissed his cheek, allowing her lips to linger, thinking back to last night and the promises they’d made to each other, before moving her lips to the corner of his mouth. The ventilator was blocking her ability to kiss him like she wanted to, but as her soft, moist lips met the corner of his dry, cold ones, she felt a greater love between them than she ever had. She knew he loved her and he would always be there for her, looking out for her, watching over her. What had he said last night? That he promised to love her every day for the rest of his life and even after that. She never expected him to have to fulfill that promise so soon.
“I love you,” she whispered once more into his ear, before releasing herself from him and climbing out of the bed.
“Come on dear,” Val said placing her arm around Kathryn, trying to lead her out of the hospital room.
As she turned her back on him, her heart felt as if it were shattering into a million pieces, and she turned around once more to see the lifeless body of the only man she’d ever loved, the man she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with, lying alone and helpless.
“I can’t leave him,” Kathryn cried out, turning to run back to him, but was stopped by a gentle tug from Val.
“He’s already gone,” she told her, but Kathryn yanked her arm away and ran over to Ben anyway, grabbing his hand, kissing it over and over, needing to feel his touch just one last time. She felt the warmth she had sensed earlier again wrap around her and she gently laid his hand back down to his side, patting the top of it softly before turning back and walking out of the room where Ben’s family was gathered.
They all seemed to look at her with pity, knowing she was losing the love of her life, but then her eyes found those of Ben’s mother and the emptiness Kathryn saw in them was unlike anything she’d ever witnessed. Sharon came over and wrapped Kathryn in her arms before she and Scott along with Allie and Luke went in to say their goodbyes.
Kathryn sat down across the hall away from Val and Dom, keeping to herself, not wanting to talk to anyone. The hall seemed unnaturally quiet for a hospital, which only allowed her the ability to focus more on her thoughts and pain, something she didn’t want to do. She stared at the ring on her finger, twisting it around and around as she waited.
She wasn’t sure how long the Bradley’s were in with Ben, but after a while she saw three serious looking doctors and two orderlies enter the room and a few minutes later, a primal scream shot out of the room. Sharon’s scream was gut-wrenching, and could only come from the greatest loss anyone could ever know…the mother’s loss of her child. The wailing continued and then Sharon was being escorted out of Ben’s room by Scott and Luke. It looked as if she couldn’t hold herself up and was only able to do so with their support while Ben lay dying only a few feet away. Sharon was taken into a room a few doors down, followed by Val and Dom, and soon it was quiet.
Kathryn looked up and down the hallway, painfully aware that she was alone. Not even doctors or nurses were roaming the halls. And then she heard some noise that sounded like the creaking of wheels and the collapsing of metal coming from Ben’s room. As she stared towards the room, she saw the foot of Ben’s bed begin to stick out of the doorway. She soon saw the entire gurney and the white sheet that molded to Ben’s body, followed by the orderlies and doctors. They made a turn in the opposite direction from Kathryn and she watched in disbelief as Ben was wheeled away from her, from his family, and from life.
She leapt to her feet; her eyes blurred with tears and ran as fast as she could down the hallway, bursting through the doors into the waiting room. She stood breathlessly, staring around the room for someone, something to hold on to. Her heart soared as she saw the faces of her mother and father standing with Lacey near the scratchy mauve chairs she’d been sitting in only an hour ago, clinging to the hope that everything would be alright.
Kathryn ran across the room and into the waiting arms of her parents, who wrapped her into the safety and comfort of their embrace as every ounce of pain spilled from her.
“Lacey called us,” her mother said as she held her daughter. “How’s Ben?” she asked, although, by her daughter’s actions, she knew.
“He’s gone, Mom. He’s gone!” she sobbed, finally acknowledging the truth.
Her mother gasped sharply, her chest beginning to heave from the shock. Her father stood stoically, needing to be strong for his daughter and Lacey began to cry, pulling away from the huddled group. Her mother grasped her tighter, joining Kathryn’s sobs, while her father walked away towards Ben’s family.
“He’s gone Mom. Ben’s dead!” Kathryn continued to cry into her mother’s arms. “He’s dead…he’s dead…”
Her mother kept holding her, not knowing what to say or do. Her father returned a few moments later, gently pulling her from her mother’s grasp.
“Let’s go home Kate,” her father said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he began to lead her to the exit doors.
“No…no…I can’t leave him!” Kathryn protested, stopping in her tracks.
“You need to, Kate. You need to,” her father said quietly, inching her to the door. She didn’t want to leave him, she couldn’t leave him and as her parents guided her outside, each footstep felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds, taking every ounce of her effort to take those steps away from the hospital and away from Ben.
The sun had risen since she’d arrived and as her tears cleared, she stood numbly, looking around at the morning that seemed so normal. Birds were singing and the sun was shining. Cars were whizzing by on the highway, taking people to work and their daily lives. Nothing about the world seemed to indicate what was missing…that Ben was missing. Everything was just continuing on as it always had. But life would never be the same for Kathryn. That had all changed at 4:23 that morning.
Chapter 4
Kathryn’s father eased the car to a slow stop inside the drab garage. Her mother was still stroking her head, which had been resting on her lap the entire ride home in the backseat. She couldn’t bring herself to sit up once the car had stopped.
“Let’s go, honey,” her mother whispered, gently raising her daughter’s head until she was sitting upright. Her father appeared, opening the door and taking Kathryn’s hand, guiding her out of the car. She walked weakly to the garage door that led into the laundry room. She turned the handle and stepped inside, the smell of Tide and fabric softener hitting her.
Once in the kitchen, she looked around the house…the house she had spent so much time in with Ben. Her eyes found the corner breakfast nook where they’d played hours of Risk and Rummy in high school before her gaze drifted over to the couch they’d snuggled and made-out on once her parents had gone to bed. She remembered those nights in the darkened room, with only the glow of the quiet television for light. It was there Ben had first kissed her and first held her. It was there she had realized how in love she was with him and looking at it now, she realized she would never share any of those things with him again. Her chest began to swell with a pain that caused her knees to buckle again, forcing her to lean against the kitchen counter for support. She felt her dad’s arms around her, picking her up again so she stood straight once more. Her mother was there a second later, linking her arm around Kathryn’s waist.
“Can I get you something to eat?” her mom asked.
Kathryn just shook her head, unable to speak. The thought of food made her st
omach turn. There was only one thing she wanted right now and she knew he wasn’t coming.
“Let’s get you upstairs,” her mother said, leading her to the staircase.
Kathryn grasped the railing with her right hand, and held onto her mother’s arm with her left. Just as it had been walking out of the hospital, her feet felt likes blocks of cement and she was exhausted once she reached the top of the stairs and approached the doorway to her room.
When she stepped inside, she felt as if she’d been transported back in time. Her parents had hardly changed the room in the year and a half she’d been away at college. The same white quilt with pink and lavender flowers covered her bed and her vanity was still lined with the senior pictures of her friends. As she looked at the mirror across the room, her vision locked immediately on one photograph in particular: she and Ben on graduation night. They were both draped in red graduation gowns and they were holding their diplomas, while their free hands were wrapped around each other. Their smiling faces had been filled with hope and endless possibilities. Never in a million years would she have guessed that Ben would be gone a year and half later. Her chest once again filled with pain and she found herself struggling to breathe again.
“Mom…” Kathryn wheezed and lunged into her mother’s arms, the tears beginning to flow.
She held her as Kathryn shook uncontrollably, not knowing what to do to help her daughter. Kathryn’s father appeared in the room a moment later and carefully pried her from her mother’s grasp, gently picking her up and carrying her over to the bed. He pulled back the covers and laid her down on the soft mattress. Her mother sat at the end of the bed and removed her shoes before folding the blanket over her.
“Try and get some rest,” she said, stroking Kathryn’s hair again.
Kathryn closed her eyes, wanting to erase the nightmare from her mind, but the moment her eyelids closed the horrific image of Ben tangled among the tubes, lying helplessly in the hospital bed, consumed her. She shook her head trying to banish the memory from her thoughts, but it wouldn’t go away. She opened her eyes quickly and met the gaze of her mother, who looked down at her with worried eyes.
“I close my eyes and all I see is him,” she cried.
“I’m so sorry,” her mom said. She folded down the covers and crawled in bed next to her daughter, wrapping her in her arms. Kathryn’s tears soon soaked her mother’s shirt and showed no signs of stopping.
“Why is this happening?” Kathryn asked in vain, knowing it was a question that could not be answered.
“I don’t know honey…I don’t know.”
Her father sat down at the foot of the bed holding a glass of water.
“Why don’t you take these, honey?” he said holding out the glass and two white pills to her.
“What are these?” she questioned.
“It’s just something to help you get some rest,” he explained. “It’ll help put your mind at ease.”
“Are you kidding me, Dad?” Kathryn yelled. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Nothing is going to put me at ease. Not you, not Mom, and certainly not some kind of magic pill! Ben’s dead! He’s gone and he’s never coming back! Do you get that? He’s dead!” she screamed diving toward her father, smacking the glass and pills from his hand. The glass landed harshly on the hardwood floor, shattering into a thousand pieces among the puddle of clear liquid. Her father grabbed her tightly as Kathryn’s fists pounded against his chest. “He’s dead!” she screamed again before giving up and collapsing in his arms. He held her as she hung limply in defeat. Her mother crawled out of bed and began cleaning up the mess on the floor. Her father picked her up again and without any protest from Kathryn, placed her back in bed.
“I’m sorry Dad,” she said quietly, but he knew he didn’t need to reply. “Can you get me those pills again?” she asked meekly a moment later, afraid to admit she wanted them, but knew she needed them. She wanted to close her eyes and escape this hell, even if it was just for a little while.
He nodded and left the room, returning a few moments later with a fresh glass of water and two new pills. She sat up just far enough to swallow them down and then returned her head to the pillow, curling up in a ball, trying to push down the torture that was consuming her. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, willing all the images and thoughts of Ben, both good and bad, to stay away and let her be. She wanted to forget. She formed a black circle in her mind and focused all of her energy on concentrating on it to keep from letting any other thoughts in, but no matter how hard she tried, the visions of Ben found their way into her brain, causing the hole in her heart to grow larger with each tear and deeper with each breath. But soon, her head began to swim and she felt her body and mind relaxing, becoming tingly and calm from head to toe. Her thoughts all began to converge as one, meshing together until she couldn’t differentiate between one image and the next. Ben’s face swirled in her thoughts like a kaleidoscope, colors blending and separating creating indistinguishable pictures that were soon replaced with blackness and the feeling of falling until Kathryn was finally asleep and free from her pain.
****
She slept restlessly, tossing and turning and finally woke up when it was dark again. When she opened her eyes, the lights from downstairs were traveling up to her room almost willing her to wake up. For a split second everything seemed normal. She had forgotten for a brief moment about what had happened to Ben before she looked around, realizing she was at home in her bedroom and not her apartment. The reason why came flooding over her in an instant and she felt sick. Flinging back the covers and running, she barely made it to the bathroom in time. After vomiting, she collapsed into the corner of the bathroom and curled herself into a ball, holding her knees to her chest and burying her face in the darkness.
“Are you okay Kathryn?” her mother’s voice called from the bathroom door.
She looked up at her mother through swollen eyes and shook her head. She walked over to her daughter and helped her stand up.
“You need something to eat,” her mom said and began to lead her downstairs. She didn’t argue this time. She’d been sick and hadn’t eaten anything since dinner at the Bradley’s on Sunday night, when Ben was still with her. Her stomach was aching from hunger and she knew she needed to eat.
Once downstairs, she saw her father sitting on the couch watching TV. He looked up at her and she could see the pity in his eyes, not knowing what to say. She went and sat down on the opposite end of the couch while her mother went to the kitchen. She stared mindlessly at the screen, not paying attention to the images or noise coming from it. She could hear plates and silverware clanking as her mother prepared her something to eat. Then she heard a familiar beep indicating a text message on her phone, which had been tucked away in her purse and was sitting on the counter. She hadn’t looked at her phone since Luke had called to tell her about Ben being in the hospital. She didn’t want to deal with it, but it beeped again.
“It’s been going off all day,” her dad said.
“I’ll go shut it off,” she said, getting off the couch and walking over to the counter. She reached into her purse and pulled out the phone. Her thumb began to hold down the off button, but she decided against it and quickly opened the phone, glancing at all the missed calls and text messages. She hit the arrow key and began scrolling through the list of people who had texted her since hearing about Ben. Carly…Devin…Heidi…Steve…Jodie…She kept scrolling through the list of people, some of who she didn’t even consider real friends. She didn’t want to see what they had to say. She just wanted them to all go away. She began pushing the delete button carelessly watching the unread messages erase one after the other until she looked down and her heart nearly stopped. Staring up at her was an unread message from Ben. How could this be? Her hand started to shake as she pushed the button to open the message. The time stamp said he had sent it shortly after he’d left her apartment late on Sunday night at 11:57 p.m. Her eyes began to well with tears and she began to shake
again. There was a message…from Ben. With one touch of a button she would see the last words he had wanted to say to her. She took a deep breath and clicked: So glad you said yes. I love you. See you tomorrow.
Kathryn slammed the phone down and began sobbing, bringing her parents running to the table.
“What happened?” her father asked nervously.
“Ben,” she cried. “There was a message from Ben on my phone.”
Her mom reached over and looked down at the phone, holding her hands to her heart after reading the last message her daughter would ever have from the man she had loved for so long. She reached over and hugged Kathryn.
“He’s still with you, sweetie. He is,” she said holding her tighter.
Kathryn wanted to believe her mother, but she knew it wasn’t true.
Chapter 5
The emptiness inside was even greater the next morning if that was possible. She had resorted to taking another sedative the night before in order to sleep and she crawled out of bed knowing she would be going with the Bradley’s to the funeral home to prepare for Ben’s service. Val had called asking if Kathryn would join them. She hesitated before agreeing, not wanting to intrude on their family’s time. They were his flesh and blood and she was only Ben’s girlfriend. But then she found her eyes drifting to the ring on her finger and her heart ached knowing she was to be his family. She was supposed to be his wife. She had been his fiancée, even if it had only been for a night.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 4