“You okay?” he asked a few moments later and she looked back to him.
“What?”
“I asked if you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said quickly even though it was a lie. “And I don’t know what I’m going to do once the baby comes.”
“You might not stay here then?” he asked, raising a curious eyebrow.
“I don’t know,” she sighed and laid back on the bed so she was laying perpendicular to Luke. “I have no clue what I’m going to do.” Her eyes grew warm again as the weight of everything she was facing hit her. The baby had created a barrier between her and reality. The sadness of Ben’s death didn’t seem so heavy when she thought about their daughter. But no matter how hard she tried to be positive and focus her energy on the baby, it didn’t change the fact that she had to find a way to survive and raise a child and it would be without Ben.
Kathryn felt the tears traveling down her face now, splashing onto the comforter. She stared at the ceiling trying to figure out what she was going to do. The baby would be here in just a few months and she’d hardly done anything to get ready for her.
The mattress moved and Luke sat up. He swung his legs around so they were hanging off the bed and he turned to look at her.
“I shouldn’t stay here. It’s not fair to Lacey. She doesn’t need to be woken up to a crying a baby and there’s no room for the baby here,” and then she started tearing up again, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Plus, I can’t do it alone.”
The room was quiet. She knew he didn’t know what to say. She knew there was nothing he could say to make it better. His brother was gone and nothing would change that.
“I’ll probably move back in with my parents. My mom has hinted about it a little, about wanting me to come home.”
“Well,” he began quietly, “That’s an idea or… you could move in with me.”
“What’d you say?” Kathryn asked sitting up abruptly and joining him on the edge of the bed.
“I said you could move in with me. I could help you Kathryn.” His voice was low and timid, almost as if he’d been afraid to say it, like he was afraid of her reaction.
“Are you serious?” she choked out.
“I’m completely serious.”
She stared up at him and knew he was. This was not a joke to him. He wanted to help her and she wanted him to, but knew she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.
“I can’t ask you to do that. It’s going to be your freshman year in college. You shouldn’t be tied down with helping to raise a baby.”
“I wouldn’t be tied down,” he said insistently. “Like I’ve said, things changed when Ben died. Priorities changed. Your daughter, his daughter, is top priority. I want to do this. I graduate in a couple of months and instead of moving into the dorms like I’d planned, we can find an apartment.”
“Your mom would never allow it,” Kathryn said hesitantly.
“She can’t stop me Kathryn. Plus, I don’t think she’d mind. She’s changed a lot since Ben’s death. You’d be surprised.”
“Actually, I don’t think I’d be surprised. We’ve all changed.”
“I just want you to know the offer’s open. You just let me know.”
She turned to face Luke again and then found herself in his arms. She squeezed him tightly and then felt his arms wrap around her.
“Are you sure about this Luke?” she asked, her voice muffled in his chest.
“Absolutely,” he responded and she nodded her head.
“Then let’s do it.”
She felt him squeeze her tighter and for the first time in a long time, she thought she might just be okay.
He held her for a few moments and she closed her eyes, realizing how much she missed
Ben’s embrace. The warm, strong arms always made her feel safe. She hadn’t felt safe since that horrible November morning, but being in his arms, right now, she did feel safe, even though she knew in her heart it wasn’t Ben’s arms around her. Still, she kept her eyes closed, pretending, just for a little while, it was.
She felt a soft thumping in her abdomen just then. She’d been feeling the baby move for a few weeks, but hadn’t shared it with anyone. There had been no one to share it with, but now there was.
“She’s moving,” Kathryn said, gently pulling away from Luke’s grasp, smiling up at him.
“She is?” he said and she nodded. She took his hand and laid his palm across her stomach. He seemed nervous, touching her in such an intimate way, but then the baby kicked and his eyes grew wide.
“Is that her?”
“Yeah, it is,” she said watching his eyes grow even bigger and a smile spread across his face.
“That’s amazing,” he said as the baby kicked again. “She’s really in there.”
“It’s incredible,” she said resting her hand on top of Luke’s. They were quiet while they waited for the baby to move again.
“Ben would’ve loved this,” he said, meeting her eyes with his familiar hazel ones.
“I know. I wish he was here to share it with me,” she said, her heart aching from his absence.
“He is,” Luke said softly, his eyes lowering to where their hands rested on her abdomen just as the baby kicked once more.
Chapter 16
Kathryn’s belly continued to grow with each passing week and soon it was June and time for Luke to graduate. As she sat alone in the stands, she was taken back to her own graduation two years ago when Ben had still been by her side, at the same high school, the same red gowns, the same naïve hope for the future. Her eyes spanned the sea of crimson and she wondered how many of their dreams would be crushed just as hers had been and felt she should warn them all somehow. They needed to know a long, happy life was no guarantee.
The memories of graduation were still fresh and she could remember sitting in those same folding chairs, giddy with excitement about the future, of all that was to come, of her life in college and her life with Ben. She had been as innocent as all of these students she now watched, thinking her dreams would come true. She could still see Ben looking back at her from his place among all the other B’s while she sat with the small group of L’s from their senior class. She could still see him walking across the stage to get his diploma, thinking it was only the beginning. She could still hear the cheers erupt from his friends and family and the goofy grin he’d given them all once he had the diploma in his hands. She could vividly remember seeing him for the first time once all the graduates had been set free. He’d wrapped her in his arms and if she closed her eyes and concentrated hard enough, she could feel the warmth of his breath on her cheek as he whispered congratulations in her ear. It was all a mirage though and when she opened her eyes, she was returned to Luke’s graduation, watching the students walking across the stage, all hyped up from the encouraging speakers, each thinking themselves invincible.
She didn’t have to wait long for Luke. She stretched a little higher in her seat in the bleachers, trying to peek around the head of the man in front of her when she heard Allie’s name being called. With Allie being Luke’s twin, she knew he would be next. A moment later, Luke Dominic Bradley was called over the PA system. She watched as he made his stroll across the stage, once again taken aback by how much he reminded her of Ben. He walked proudly to the administrators where he shook each of their hands and received his diploma and Kathryn began clapping excitedly. She knew he couldn’t see her, but she waved anyway. She wanted him to know she was there and that she was happy for him.
Once all the names had been called, a flood of red caps filled the sky and the graduates disbanded to find their families and the bleachers began to empty out. Kathryn walked slowly to the chain link fence that separated her from the football field. She stopped for a moment and strained to find the Bradley’s, which wasn’t an easy feat among the crowd. She finally did spot them though. They were smiling and laughing, just as they had at hers and Ben’s graduation. Sharon was hugging Luke a
nd Allie and they were posing for pictures. Kathryn just stood silently, watching Ben’s family looking happy again, although they must all be aware of who was missing. She rested her hand on her swollen stomach and felt her eyes grow warm, wishing Ben could be here to share in this moment. Obviously, no amount of wishing or praying or bargaining could make that happen. She glanced once more to the Bradley’s who were painfully unaware of her presence and then walked silently to her car.
****
Kathryn and Luke had kept their plans to find an apartment together a secret for as long as they could. They’d looked around at different places and finally found one within their price range, but were still reluctant to say anything. Kathryn finally broke down and told her parents when her mom wouldn’t let up on getting the nursery set up. They weren’t thrilled. In fact, they were adamantly opposed to it, but finally relented after she explained her reasoning. Kathryn knew they’d have to agree with her if she wanted to make it work. She couldn’t do it without their continued financial support. Her partial scholarship paid for most of her tuition, but her parents still helped out with her apartment.
Luke’s parents had been skeptical as well when he told them. He had planned to move into the dorms or get an apartment with a couple of guys from school, but just as Luke had said, everything had changed since Ben’s death, and his parents finally agreed too.
Kathryn had already moved in to the new place. Luke would be joining her in July, before school started and before the baby arrived. Lacey had been disappointed when Kathryn told her she was moving out. She had insisted having the baby around would be okay, but Kathryn knew it wouldn’t be and deep down she knew Lacey was relieved with her decision. Carly would move in and their carefree, college lives would continue.
She was still getting used to living alone and for some reason, when she flipped on the light switch after returning from Luke’s graduation, the place seemed exceptionally lonesome. She threw her purse on the counter and sauntered to her bedroom, stripping off the purple sundress and white cardigan and replacing it with a pair of gray lounge pants and an old t-shirt that used to be baggy, but now hugged her belly. After pulling her hair up into a sloppy ponytail, she walked to the kitchen and scoured through the nearly bare fridge. She’d never been much of a cook. She knew this would need to change once the baby came, but for now her refrigerator was unforgiving and she finally settled on a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
With her dinner in tow, she headed back to the living room and set it on the coffee table and turned on the TV, settling in for a boring night, something that had become all too common since Ben passed away. It was okay though because she didn’t want to do much of anything, not unless Ben could join her.
With the tomato soup and sandwich eaten she curled up onto the couch, setting the TV to a Lifetime movie. Ben had teased her relentlessly over these movies, which was maybe why she’d decided to watch one tonight. She imagined he was somewhere laughing at her and it brought a smile to her face.
Halfway through the show, the doorbell startled her. She looked up at the clock. It was nearly nine. She struggled to her feet. Each day it got more difficult to get around and her growing belly seemed to weigh her down. She pushed herself up though and made her way to the door. She looked through the peephole and was surprised to see Luke.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” she asked once she’d opened the door as he stood in the pair of black slacks and white shirt and tie he’d worn under his red graduation gown, which was now folded over his arm.
“I thought I’d come by and say hi,” he said stepping past her into the living room, which belonged to him as well for all intents and purposes.
He draped the gown over a chair and turned to look at her. She couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked.
“Why aren’t you with your friends?” she asked.
He shrugged his shoulders and began loosening his tie.
“I’d rather be with you,” he said simply and Kathryn felt a smile forming on her face. Since Ben died, Luke was one of the few people she wanted around. He was practically her best friend now and as much as she knew he should be with his friends celebrating, she was glad he was here with her.
“Are you sure Luke? You may never see any of these people again.”
“If they’re worth staying in contact with, we’ll find a way to stay connected,” he said with a half-smile.
They were quiet then and walked over to the couch, sitting down side by side. His eyes focused on the plate of crumbs and the bowl of dried soup and raised a curious eyebrow at her. “Trashing the place already?”
“You’re not one of those crazy neat freaks, are you? Because if you are, you should’ve disclosed that information before I agreed to move in with you.”
“No, I’m not a neat freak, but I will clear your plate for you,” he said standing up and gathering the dishes.
“You don’t need to do that,” she insisted, beginning to stand up, but he turned and put his hand on her shoulder, gently urging her back down to her seat.
“Just let me, okay? You deserve a little help sometimes,” he said and she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was telling her if Ben was still here, he’d be doing these kinds of things for her, simple things that made her life just a little bit easier.
“Thanks,” was all she said quietly as he walked into the kitchen.
She heard the dishes clank in the sink and then fumbling through the kitchen. A few minutes later he was making his way back to her holding two bowls. He sat down next to her, handing her one of them. She looked down to find a mound of chocolate chip mint ice cream, her favorite, which she always kept in the freezer, drizzled in Hershey’s syrup.
“This is just what I needed,” Kathryn said, taking a spoonful and allowing it to melt in her mouth, the chocolate pieces bursting on her tongue.
“Yeah, you looked like you could use a bowl,” Luke said taking a bite. “I remember seeing you and Ben devour this stuff.”
“He was convinced he didn’t like it when I first made him try it, but then he ended up loving it as much as I do.”
“Or maybe he just told you that,” Luke said slyly.
“No he didn’t. He loved it,” Kathryn insisted.
“He probably loved it to make you happy. You could always get him to do whatever you wanted him to.”
“Could not,” she laughed through a mouthful of ice cream.
“Um yeah, you could. Remember when he started growing his hair out because you thought he might look good with it longer and he looked like a complete idiot? It grew out rather than down, kinda like a Q-Tip.”
They both started laughing and Kathryn couldn’t get the image of Ben and his puffy hair out of her mind.
“Yeah, that was pretty funny,” she said when she’d composed herself. “And I’m the first to admit that I was totally wrong on that subject. You and Ben are definitely short hair kinds of guys.”
“Well, he only did it because he was crazy about you. He would’ve done anything for you,” Luke said, his voice becoming suddenly quiet.
Kathryn looked over at his sad face and knew every word he said was true. Ben had been crazy about her and would’ve done anything for her, but the truth was, she would’ve done the same for him.
Then Luke turned and looked at her again, the left side of his mouth curling up into a smile.
“Ya know, I used to resent you for taking my brother away.”
She felt a knot form in her stomach. She’d never thought about it. From the moment they started dating, it had always been she and Ben, side by side, constantly. Selfishly, she’d never given much thought to his life before she’d been a part of it, namely how her relationship with Ben had affected Luke’s relationship with his brother.
“Luke…I um…I…” she stuttered not knowing what to say in response.
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he said placing his hand, which was still cold from holding the ice cream b
owl, over hers. “I said I used to resent you. That was a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry Luke,” she said apologetically.
“It’s okay. I got over it pretty quickly when I realized how happy you made him, because you really did. You guys were actually kind of sickening how perfect your relationship was. It was like something out of a movie.”
“Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” Kathryn said solemnly, knowing it was the truth. Since Ben’s death, it was easy to forget about the hard times and only remember the good ones. In her mind, she only remembered it as being perfect.
“Well, you fooled everyone then, because it seemed pretty damn perfect. I guess I was a little jealous actually.”
“Jealous? Of what?” she asked curling up her lip in question.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t jealous of you or him. I guess I was kinda jealous you had each other and you seemed to fit so well together. I think I want that kind of relationship.”
“And what kind of relationship would that be?” she inquired.
“You guys were just so relaxed with each other. You didn’t even have to try. You just worked.”
“We did have to try. Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” she said, her mouth curling into a frown before she continued. “We broke up once.”
“You did?” he asked surprised.
“We did.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“No one did. It was only for a couple of days, but then we came to our senses.”
“Why’d you break up?” he prodded.
“Stupidity. I got jealous of some girl. It was really dumb,” she said shaking her head, realizing she’d missed out on two extra days with Ben.
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