“I understand,” he said with a hint of nerves and hesitation before continuing. “You’re not ready for this, are you?” he said softly.
“To be honest, I don’t know. When Ben died I thought I’d never be able to be with anyone again or even if I would ever want to be with someone again,” she sighed. “But…since I’ve been hanging out with you, I’ve been happier than I’ve been in a long time and then last night I got really scared or something, like I was betraying him. I know you can’t understand, but it was just too much to deal with. I’m sorry for being so rude.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” he assured her, looking her in the eyes. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I just wish I’d known so I wouldn’t have made you uncomfortable.”
“I wasn’t uncomfortable how you may think. I was uncomfortable because I…because I like spending time with you, and that’s hard to accept,” she admitted.
Jace looked at her and smiled and then leaned back. She could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry. Now I’m making you uncomfortable,” she said. “I mean, we haven’t known each other that long and I’m unloading all of this on you.”
“I’m going to be honest Kathryn. It is a lot to take in. I just don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I don’t know what I’m ready for,” she said honestly. “I don’t want to lead you on and then realize I’m not ready…” and then he cut her off.
“Hey, slow down,” he said softly. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I just want to hang out. There’s no rush or pressure or anything. I just like spending time with you and talking to you.”
“I like spending time with you too. But,” she replied, bringing her eyes to meet his, knowing there was still one thing to say. She took a deep breath, preparing herself to tell him about Sarah, the most important thing in her life. “There’s more,” she said quietly and she felt Jace stiffen. His eyes, which had softened, looked concerned now and she wanted to take his hands, but she was afraid to.
“There’s more?” he asked softly.
“Um…yes. I…I, uh, I have a fourteen month old daughter,” she said, looking up into his dark eyes, waiting for his reaction. He leaned back and his eyebrows creased as he tried to register what she’d just said.
“You have a kid?” he asked and she could tell he was trying to hide the alarm in his voice.
“Yes. Her name’s Sarah,” Kathryn said, a smile spreading over her face as the image of her daughter appeared in her mind.
“But…um, I…you’re fiancé passed away two years ago,” he stammered and it was obvious by the expression on his face that he was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together in his mind.
“About two months after Ben died,” she said and then paused rethinking the moment that had changed her life. “I found out I was pregnant.”
The room grew even quieter, if that was possible. His eyes were moving back and forth quickly and his mouth seemed to open a few times as if he was trying to say something, but was unable to.
“So…so…so Ben, he never knew? He never knew you were pregnant?” he finally managed to say.
Kathryn shook her head, aching as much now as she did when it first happened. She hated the fact Ben had never known, that he hadn’t been there through any of it, and that he’d never hold his amazing daughter.
“No. I got pregnant right before he died,” she said matter-of-factly, having dealt with this for the past two years.
“Oh my gosh,” Jace exclaimed quietly as he shook his head. His voice wasn’t angry or upset, it was disbelief as if the revelations were all just too much.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Sarah,” she said quietly, ashamed that she had ever kept her daughter a secret.
“Kathryn, how could you…I mean…why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was scared. I didn’t know what, if anything, was happening between us and I didn’t want to expose her to anything. But, I still should’ve at least told you so at least you could’ve had the chance to just walk away. And I understand if you want nothing more to do with me. This is all too much, too soon. I know it is and I’m sorry for keeping it from you, so I think I’m just gonna go now,” she said standing up before she started to cry. The tears were on the verge of brimming over and she knew they would if she said another word.
“Kathryn,” he said reaching up and taking her arm as she tried to walk away. She stopped and turned. He was looking up at her with the same soft eyes he’d shown after learning about Ben. “Sit back down.” He gently pulled her arm until she was beside him again. “Did you really think I’d take off just because you have a kid?” He laughed lightly trying to lighten the mood.
“I really didn’t know,” she admitted. “I’ve never been a single mom who’s dating. I never planned to be a single mom period, let alone a mom at 21,” she said with a laugh, quickly wiping away an escaped tear.
He reached over and took her hand. The warmth and gentleness surprised her and she started to relax.
“Well, I’m not going to lie. Everything you’ve told me is overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in. I’ve never dated anyone with a kid before, and yeah, it’s a little scary, but I’m not going to just walk away because of that,” he said and she felt herself relaxing.
“I just wish I would’ve been upfront with you. I don’t want you to think I’m a liar,” she told him and he squeezed her hand.
“I don’t think you’re a liar, not at all. I just can’t believe you’ve been through all of this. It’s almost…unbelievable,” he said shaking his head again. “I can understand why you were scared and why you didn’t just come right out and tell me.”
“Still, I wish I had and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You have no reason to be sorry,” he said brushing a piece of hair out of her face. “And we’ll just take it one day at a time.”
He smiled at her and then leaned in and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. She felt herself stiffen for a moment. It felt so strange being in someone else’s arms, but she realized how good and safe it felt to be in Jace’s and found herself soften, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her head in his chest. She felt her eyes become moist once again, leaving a small wet mark on his sweatshirt. He stroked her hair and then kissed her gently on the top of her head.
“Kathryn?” he asked and she pulled away and looked at him. “I’d like to meet Sarah, if I can.”
“Of course,” she said smiling. “Is tomorrow too soon?”
“That’d be great.”
“We’ll have a picnic at her favorite park.”
“Alright…cool,” he said with a smile and then the room was quiet again.
“She’s at my parent’s house right now, so…do you want to hang out maybe? Watch a movie or something?” she asked.
“Definitely,” he said sweetly.
The air seemed to lighten between them and Kathryn felt a weight lift from her shoulders. Maybe now he had a better understanding of why she acted the way she did and he seemed okay with it. She didn’t know how long he’d be okay with it, but at least he hadn’t gone running for the hills like she’d predicted. Like he said, they’d take it one day at a time.
Jace let go of her hand and put a movie into the DVD player. While the previews played, they went into the kitchen and popped some popcorn. While Kathryn watched the microwave, Jace pulled out a carton of vanilla ice cream from the freezer and a package of Oreos and put them on the counter, insisting on making cookies & cream milkshakes for the two of them. He found the blender and began mixing everything together. She leaned against the counter watching him as he made the milkshakes. For the first time, she found herself really looking at him. He wasn’t what you would call classically handsome, but there was something intriguing and interesting about his look. His thick black hair seemed to shine in the fluorescent light of the kitchen. He turned his he
ad towards her and smiled, her eyes locking on his. He ran his hand through his hair and she watched each strand fall into place like a line of dominoes.
He turned off the blender and reached into the cupboard, pulling out two large glasses. He poured the milkshakes inside and handed one to Kathryn.
“Now tell me, is this not the best milkshake you’ve ever had?” he said with a flirty smile.
“We’ll see about that,” Kathryn said playfully and took a sip. “Hmm…not bad.”
“You ah….you’ve got some milkshake right here,” he said softly, walking towards her, slowly lifting his hand to her face and gently wiping the corner of her mouth with his thumb.
Her heart began to race as he stood above her. She felt herself pulling towards him, wanting to be closer to him. He raised his hand again and gently stroked her hair before sighing and pulling back. She knew he wanted to kiss her and she thought she wanted to kiss him too, but he had pulled away.
“Popcorn ready?” he asked turning towards the microwave.
“Yes,” she said quietly, dumping the popcorn into a bowl and then walking into the living room. They sat down next to each other on the couch and she reached over and hit play on the remote control. The movie began blaring through the speakers and although it was playing, she couldn’t concentrate on it. Her mind was focused on the person next to her, fully aware that he was there. His presence, his scent, everything about him was filling her senses and she scooted closer to him. He looked over at her with surprise, but then gently put his arm around her, pulling her closer as they settled in comfortably together.
****
As Kathryn lay in bed that night, cuddling up with Sarah, she wrestled with the different emotions that were racing through her mind. Sarah rarely slept in her bed, but tonight she needed her daughter. She was sound asleep, but Kathryn was still stroking her hair, so much like her father’s and her thoughts drifted to her time with Jace. She was glad he knew about her past, and more importantly Sarah. He had been more understanding and patient than she had expected. She hadn’t really thought about how he would react when he found out, but she was relieved with how he’d handled it. He had wanted to know about Ben and she appreciated that and he wanted to meet her daughter. He hadn’t seemed annoyed with her and her baggage didn’t seem like it was too much for him to handle…not yet anyway. He seemed authentic and genuinely concerned about her.
Reflecting back on the night, it had felt good to lie in his arms and watch the movie. She’d forgotten how nice it was to cuddle with someone, but as she turned on her side and saw the picture of Ben on her nightstand that was being illuminated by the street lights peeking in through the window, she was overcome with guilt. That terrible nagging feeling returned and she felt wrong inside for having gotten closer to Jace. She closed her eyes, trying to remember what Ben’s arms felt like around her and her stomach suddenly dropped. She used to be able to close her eyes and feel his embrace as if he were still alive, but with each day, that memory seemed to fade a little more. Before it felt heavy and purposeful, but as she lay in bed closing her eyes, willing the feeling to return, it was like a phantom pain. She thought she could feel it, but she wasn’t sure. She willed herself even harder to pull the feeling back to the surface, but as she tried, she did feel arms around her finally, but they weren’t Ben’s arms, they were Jace’s.
She instantly reached under her pillow where she kept the white t-shirt Ben had forgotten at her house nearly two years ago and pulled it close to her. She still hadn’t washed it and Ben’s scent, which had been engrained in the shirt, was fading faster than her recollection of his embrace. She rolled the shirt into a ball and buried her face in it. She wanted to scream and beg Ben to either come back or stay away for good. She couldn’t survive in this limbo any longer. Whenever she thought she was moving forward, something always pulled her back into the nightmare she’d been living since he died. She was so tired of crying, but once again, that’s what she did. Tears began to flow into the t-shirt until it was a sloppy mess and she held Sarah even tighter until she finally fell asleep.
Chapter 31
Kathryn and Sarah and gone to the grocery store and bought everything they’d need for the picnic. Luke had still been asleep when they’d left, but when they got home, he was sitting at the counter eating a bowl of cereal.
“You need any help?” he asked as she put the grocery bags on the counter, Sarah following closely behind.
“Nah. This is it,” she said as she began unloading the bags.
“I wish I’d known you were going to the store. We’re almost out of Cocoa Puffs,” he said taking a bite.
“No worries Luke, I’ve got you covered,” she said handing him a box from a bag.
“Sweet. You’re a lifesaver.”
“I know,” she said with a grin.
“You seem to be awfully happy this morning,” he pointed out.
“I guess I am.”
He put his spoon down and then looked at her curiously.
“I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a while. How were the movies the other night?”
“Good,” she said smiling as she began taking out bread to make the sandwiches for the picnic.
“What are you doing? It’s not lunch time yet,” he asked eyeing the lunch meat.
“We’re going on a picnic this afternoon,” she said wondering how she should tell Luke about Jace.
“Oh yeah? Who’s we?” he asked suspiciously.
“Me and Sarah and Jace,” she said not looking up.
“Jace?” he asked, the tone of his voice suddenly changing.
“Uh huh,” she said spreading mayonnaise on a slice of bread.
“You’re hanging out with that Jace guy again?” he asked and when she looked up, the sneer was obvious on his face.
“Yeah, I am,” she said, the knife stopping in mid-spread and meeting his eyes.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means exactly what I said. Do you really think that’s a good idea?” he asked again, his tone turning gruff.
“And why wouldn’t it be?”
“Do you think he should be around Sarah? I mean, what do you even know about him?”
“You’re joking right?” she laughed.
“No, I’m not. I’m not comfortable with Sarah being around some strange guy,” he said standing up and dumping his cereal bowl into the sink.
“He’s not a pervert or something,” she said glaring at him, insulted he would imply she was putting her daughter at risk.
“And how do you know?” he sneered.
“Seriously Luke?” Kathryn said sternly.
“What? I’m just letting you know how I feel.”
“Well, you can keep your opinions to yourself. I’m her mother. I decide who she can be around. You are not her father,” she said glaring at him.
“No, I’m not her father. Her father’s dead, but I’m the closest damn thing she’s got to a father and I’m only looking out for her.”
They stood in silence, staring at each other with Sarah looking between them curiously.
“We are not having this conversation in front of Sarah,” she said in an angry whisper, knowing Sarah could still hear, but feeling better if she lowered her voice.
“Then when can we have it?” he scoffed.
“We’re not. This conversation is over. You need to relax. We’re just going on a picnic.”
“Well, for the record, I think it’s a bad idea,” he said staring into her eyes.
“Yeah, you’ve already made that point clear and you know what Luke?I don’t really care what you think.”
He glared at her again. She’d never seen him like this in all the years she’d known him. They’d grown especially close since Ben’s death and he was right. Luke was the closest thing Sarah had to a father, but it still didn’t give him the right to step over the line like this, basically accusing her
of putting her daughter in a dangerous situation.
“Yeah, I can tell,” he said.
Luke spun on his heel and walked off to his bedroom. Kathryn wanted to take off after him and shake some sense into him, to demand why he was acting like such a jerk, but instead, she just sighed and looked down at Sarah who was sitting on the floor playing with her toes. She looked up and smiled at Kathryn, causing her sour mood to immediately melt away. She scooped Sarah up and squeezed her before setting her in her high chair so she could finish getting the picnic ready.
“Don’t you listen to your Uncle Luke,” Kathryn said as she buckled Sarah in and poured some Cheerios on the tray to keep her occupied. Sarah just laughed and swiped her hands across the tray, causing an avalanche of cereal to spill all over the floor. “Seriously Sarah? First your uncle and now you? Can’t you give me a break?” she scolded jokingly and then went to the utility closet to get the broom.
As she swept up the cereal, she couldn’t shake Luke’s words. Maybe he was right. Maybe he did have a point. She barely knew Jace. What if he was some psycho pervert like Luke said? She put the broom away and then took her phone from her purse and found Jace’s number. She stared at it for a few moments, wondering if she should call him and cancel. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. No, she shook her head and put the phone away.
Chapter 32
Luke hadn’t come out of his room since their argument and Kathryn was glad he’d stayed away. She was still confused by his outburst and a little angry too, but she was trying to forget about it. She’d loaded up the small Coleman cooler with sandwiches and potato salad along with a few sodas and gotten herself ready while Sarah napped. She decided on a pair of jeans and a cream knit sweater and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Sarah woke up a little while later and just as Kathryn had finished clipping Sarah’s bangs back with a pink barrette, the doorbell rang.
“Alright baby, here we go,” she said nervously as she balanced Sarah on her hip and headed to the door. She took a deep breath and swung it open.
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