“Yes, it was, and now it’s time to stop,” he said handing Sarah back to her. “We weren’t kidding anybody but ourselves. Pretending like everything would be okay, when all it’s done is screw everything up.”
He stared at her once more for a second before turning and walking back to his bed. He put a few more things into the duffel bag before closing it. He picked it up and after throwing his backpack over his shoulder, brushed passed them and headed for the front door. With Sarah still in her arms, she quickly followed him, the pit in her stomach growing bigger with each step.
“Wait Luke,” she said frantically as he was putting his hand on the doorknob. “What am I supposed to tell Sarah when she’s looking for you? When she’s crying for you?”
He paused and the room was silent, but he didn’t turn around.
“Tell Sarah that her uncle’s a fool.”
And with that, he opened the door and walked out.
Chapter 43
She couldn’t shake her last conversation with Luke. She kept hearing his words over and over in her head. The apartment was so empty without him and she kept hoping she’d open the door and he’d be there. She hadn’t even heard from him since he left, but it was all she could think about. She’d picked up her phone a few times to call him, but she couldn’t do it. He’d made it perfectly clear he needed some space and she was going to give it to him. She had to if she ever wanted him to come back…if she ever wanted their relationship back.
She walked into the apartment exhausted after class two days later, Sarah in one hand and her books in another. She quickly dropped her backpack on the ground, put Sarah down and then turned the TV on. She didn’t know what she was watching and she didn’t care. She just wanted the noise to drown out her thoughts and just as she was settling in, her phone rang. She hoped it would be Luke, calling to tell her he was coming home, but then she saw it was Jace and a she felt a twinge of disappointment, which was quickly replaced with excitement.
“Hey,” she greeted him.
“I just got out of class. Mind if I come by?” he said enthusiastically.
“Sure, just let yourself in.”
“Okay. I’ll be right over.”
She got up from the couch and walked into the bathroom. She quickly ran a brush through her blonde hair so it hung straight down her back. She sprayed some vanilla body spray over her and popped in a piece of cinnamon gum. She went back to the living room and sat down to play with Sarah while she waited for Jace.
She didn’t have to wait long and a few minutes later, she heard the front door open and she turned to see him walking in. She noticed he was grinning excitedly as he approached her.
“Hey kiddo,” he said sitting down next to her and Sarah on the floor and ruffling Sarah’s hair before turning to Kathryn. “I’ve got something to tell you,” he said, still grinning. She looked over to him and felt her stomach flutter and for a moment, she forgot about the stress with Luke. The negativity she’d been feeling ever since was now replaced with warmth and she couldn’t hold back her feelings. She leaned over on her knees and playfully grabbed the collar of his black jacket and pulled her towards him, kissing him eagerly.
“That was quite a greeting,” he laughed when she released him a few moments later.
“I’m just happy to see you,” she said honestly. “Now what did you want to tell me?”
“Hold on a sec, while I catch my breath,” he joked and then held up a bright green piece of paper.
“What’s that?”
“I signed us up for a 5K,” he smiled excitedly.
“You signed us up for a 5K?” she asked, her shock evident as she grabbed the paper from his hands and began reading over it. By the time her eyes had finished scanning the paper, they were moist and she looked up at Jace, who was barely visible through the tears. “This run benefits brain injury research,” she said quietly.
“I know. That’s why I signed us up. You’re not mad, are you?” he asked and for the first time since walking in, his excitement seemed to be wavering, wondering if maybe he’d made a mistake.
“No, not at all. I can’t believe you…you would want…I mean…it’s such a great cause,” she said smiling, but suddenly felt a pain in her heart knowing that even though they’d be helping to raise money for a cause that had touched her on such a personal level, it would do nothing to help bring Ben back. It was too late for him.
“Yeah, I thought so too. I saw it posted on the bulletin board outside of my Calculus class, so I grabbed it and called the number and now we’ve got to get ready for this thing. The lady I talked to on the phone said they’ll be setting up a wall with photos and stories of people who have been affected by brain injuries,” and then he hesitated before continuing. “We could do something for…Ben if you want.”
She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tight.
“That would be awesome,” she said finally pulling back and wiping her eyes.
“Do you want to go for a run now? I’ve got my stuff in the car.”
“Yeah, go get your stuff and I’ll change and get Sarah ready to go.”
He smiled at her again and a second later he was gone and she shook her head as she stared back down at the green flier. She didn’t deserve him, his thoughtfulness, his selflessness. He deserved better. He deserved someone whose heart wasn’t being pulled in a million different directions.
Jace returned a few minutes later. He watched Sarah while Kathryn changed into her running gear and then went to the bathroom to change into his clothes. He came back into the living room and was looking around curiously, as if he was just now realizing something.
“Where’s Luke?” he asked.
“He um, he’s been staying at his parents’ the last few days.”
“He moved out?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You’re not sure. Either he moved out or he didn’t.”
“He said he just needed a change for a bit,” she told him, trying to sound as if the whole situation was nothing to worry about.
“So, he just left you guys here? Doesn’t he help you with Sarah? Isn’t that the whole reason for your guys’ little…arrangement?” he asked, thinking of the right word to use.
“Yeah, but I’m fine. We’re fine. Luke’s definitely done his share. He’s done way more than he needed to,” she said quickly, hoping Jace wouldn’t press the issue any further.
“Are you sure everything’s alright?”
“Yeah, everything’s good,” she said smiling up at him.
“I…I could stay…for a while…I mean, that is, if you want me to,” he said nervously.
“I’m okay. Really, I am…but thanks,” she said and then reached up and kissed him before he could say another word about it. She couldn’t tell him she really wasn’t okay, that she hated being in the apartment alone, that she missed Luke and that she wanted him to come home. “Now, let’s go before it gets too cold.” And with that, she scooped up Sarah, secured her in the jogging stroller and took off down the street.
Chapter 44
“What do you mean Luke moved out?” Lacey exclaimed a week later as they sat in Kathryn’s living room.
“He said he needed some time away,” she said shrugging her shoulders, but knowing there was no way Lacey was going to let it go.
“That’s it? That’s all he said?” she said in disbelief. “I don’t buy it. This wouldn’t have anything to do with everything that’s happened between you two?”
Lacey was staring at her, ignoring the cheesy Lifetime movie they’d been watching.
“Of course it does,” Kathryn relented.
“What the heck is going on between the two of you anyway?”
“Nothing,” she insisted.
“Do you want something to be going on between you two?”
“No!” she exclaimed.
“I believe though dost protest too much Kathryn Lane,” Lacey said in a terrible Shakespearean accent.
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“You’re crazy Lacey, you know that? Seriously certifiable,” Kathryn said turning her head back to the TV.
“Am I?” she taunted.
“Yes!”
“Then what’s really going on with Luke?”
“I don’t know what’s going on,” she answered.
“Why’d Luke really leave?” Lacey asked and Kathryn hesitated and finally decided to tell the truth.
“Because I told him we can’t be together. He said he couldn’t hang around watching me with Jace anymore.”
“So, Luke’s in love with you?” Lacey asked hesitantly.
“He thinks he is,” she said picturing Luke’s face in her mind.
“And what about you? How do you feel about him?”
Kathryn was quiet as she thought about her feelings for Luke. She’d been trying to answer this question for so long and she was still nowhere near being able to answer it now.
“How do you really, truly feel about him Kathryn?” Lacey asked once more.
“I love him,” she answered simply and Lacey leaned forward eagerly.
“You love him?” she asked almost in a whisper.
“I do. I just don’t know how I love him or what it means. He knows me better than anyone. He’s been there for me through everything. We have fun together and he always seems to know what I need. And when he touches me or kisses me, it’s so safe and familiar and when he’s not touching me, I want him to be. It’s like he’s got a hold on me,” she explained softly.
“Or Ben does.”
“What do you mean?” she asked quickly.
“You’ve said it yourself before. He reminds you of Ben. Could it be you only feel this way because it feels like you’re with Ben in a way?”
“No. Like I said earlier, you’re crazy,” she said.
“I don’t think I am,” Lacey said sincerely. “No one can blame you for it.”
“You’re so far off base, Lacey. The whole idea is creepy. I’m not trying to turn Luke into Ben.”
“I never said you were, but to be honest, your relationship with Luke since Ben died has been…well, it’s been a little…bizarre.”
Kathryn was glaring at her friend now.
“Bizarre?”
“Well, kinda,” she admitted nervously.
“Please explain.”
“I don’t mean bizarre in a bad way. I just mean, it’s been a little different. For the longest time it was like you two were in your own little world that the rest of us were shut out of. You were always together and he moved in here and you guys had like this little family or something.”
“Luke was helping me. I needed help Lacey. Raising a baby is not easy and Luke didn’t want me to be alone,” she said defensively.
“I know it’s not. Well, I don’t know from experience, but I can only imagine and I’m glad Luke was there to help you, but it’s easy to see how the lines started to blur.”
“What lines?”
“The line between friendship and…and something more. He looks so much like Ben,” she began but Kathryn cut her off.
“But he’s not Ben. They’re very different,” she insisted.
“I know they are, but still, they look alike, they’re brothers and Luke stepped into the role that should’ve been Ben’s. He kinda morphed into what Ben would’ve been and you both could’ve gotten caught up in it.”
Kathryn wanted to protest again, but she knew Lacey had a point. She knew Luke wasn’t Ben. But still, could she be right? Was she only conflicted because he’d essentially taken Ben’s place?
“Lacey, let’s just drop it, okay? Luke and I will work it out.”
“You can’t just ignore it Kathryn.”
“I’m not ignoring it, but I seriously don’t want to talk about it anymore. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“But what are you going to do?” Lacey continued.
“I said drop it,” Kathryn said firmly and Lacey didn’t say another word about it the rest of the night, but Kathryn didn’t stop thinking about it either.
Chapter 45
“You’re crazy, ya know that? I really think you’re crazy,” Kathryn said as she tacked up the poster. “How could you have ever convinced me to sign up for a 5K in November?”
“It’s not that cold out here,” Jace laughed, trying to hide the clouds coming out of his mouth as his warm breath met the freezing air.
“Keep talking like that, you’re only making my case even stronger that you are, in fact, crazy.” “You won’t even notice the cold once we’re running.”
“You’re right, because my lungs are going to freeze up and I’m going to keel over.”
“You’ll be fine you big baby,” he said wrapping his arms around her and she instantly felt warmer.
They’d gone running every day in preparation for the race and she hadn’t spoken to Luke at all, but she was determined not to let him ruin this as she put the last tack in and stood back as they both admired the poster among all the other faces whose lives had been changed or lost, amazed and saddened at how many people had suffered like her. She gently clutched the silver chain that held the engagement ring around her neck. She felt it was appropriate to wear it today in honor of him.
“You did a really nice job,” Jace said as he looked at the picture of Ben before them.
“It did turn out nice, didn’t it?” she agreed. She had chosen a picture of Ben she’d taken of him a few months before he died. She had just gotten a new digital camera and he was being a reluctant model. They’d gone hiking in Connecticut and she’d snapped a picture of him leaning against an oak tree in faded jeans and a white t-shirt. His smile had been perfect and his hazel eyes were piercing. He looked so happy and calm, as if the world was right, even though a deadly force was brewing unknowingly inside of his brain. Below the picture she had included his name and the day he passed away along with the quote : Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.
“I like the quote you chose,” he said removing his hands from her waist and taking her hand in his.
“We always had a thing for astronomy, so I thought it was perfect,” she said looking at the poster once more and wondering if he would be watching them today.
“You ready to get started?” he asked.
“Yeah, the sooner we start, the sooner I stop freezing,” she laughed and they jogged to the starting line.
****
Jace had been right. It wasn’t as cold as she thought it was and once they started running, she forgot all about it as the frigid air passed over her body. Their matching gray hoodies and black gloves kept them warm as they ran side by side, never stopping during the three and a half mile run. When they finally crossed the finish line, Kathryn walked quickly, her hands on her hips trying to catch her breath. Jace walked beside her, obviously not straining as much as she was. They didn’t say anything to each other for a while, but her mind was anything but silent.
It was filled with thoughts and images of the past two years, which kept replaying over and over in her mind like a CD set to repeat: Saying good bye to Ben…her friendship with Luke and the subsequent fallout…meeting Jace.
She reached up and gently grabbed Jace’s arm, causing him to stop and look at her with those black eyes that had intrigued her from the first night. Without a word, she pulled him to her and wrapped her arms around him. As she rested her head on his chest, she felt his arms gently return the embrace.
“Thank you,” she whispered into his chest.
“For what?” he asked quietly.
“For everything. For this race…for honoring him…for being here.”
He didn’t say anything, but she felt his arms pull her even closer as he kissed the top of her head and she knew everything was going to be alright and then her eyes found the familiar faces, that had been cheering them on. Sharon and Scott, Val and Dom, her parents and of course S
arah, who was clapping in Sharon’s arms. They’d all been so supportive of the run and of Jace. She wasn’t sure how Ben’s family would take to Jace. Would they be polite, cold or just indifferent? When she’d introduced them before the race, she’d been surprised, but pleasantly so. They must’ve seen how Sarah acted with him or how he supported Kathryn and when she’d explained the race had been Jace’s idea, Sharon’s eyes had teared up and she’d embraced him, holding him tightly.
“You guys were awesome!” Sharon said excitedly as she and Sarah both hugged Kathryn, who continued to span the crowd, hoping to find a familiar set of hazel eyes. She’d hoped Luke would come, but he hadn’t.Sarah reached out for her and Kathryn took her daughter in her arms as everyone else congratulated them on the run. Then her eyes met Jace’s again. He stepped closer and put his arm around her, bending down and kissing the top of her head again. As he did so, something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye: a set of piercing hazel eyes staring at her from the depths of the crowd. She felt herself freeze and stare back. He had come after all. She knew he would. Their eyes remained locked for a few moments before he blinked and walked away.
Chapter 46
It was becoming unusually cold and Kathryn was grateful for the change in weather. She loved bundling up in sweaters and scarves. She had bought a new purple cardigan and was anxious to show it to Jace, who would be over to pick her up shortly. She curled her hair and then tied it back in a ponytail at the base of her neck. She put on her makeup and smoothed on a new shade of frosty lip gloss that left subtle sparkles on her lips. She lined her eyes with a charcoal pen leaving them smoky and mysterious, and she brushed on black mascara, which seemed to double the length of her lashes. She looked in the mirror and smiled, hoping Jace would like the way she looked tonight. A gleam caught her eye and she glanced down to the silver crucifix dangling from her neck, her mind drifting to Ben. She smiled and touched the necklace briefly. She still missed him so much.
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