“It’s taken me a long time to come to the realization that Ben isn’t coming back. I’ve finally accepted that he’s dead and I’ll never see him in this life again. Jace is really good to me and he understands my past. He accepts me and he cares about me and he cares about Sarah.”
“But he doesn’t know you like I do,” Luke interrupted. “And he could never care for Sarah the way I do.”
“Just stop, Luke,” she said wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I thought you were my friend, my best friend.”
“I was,” he said, raising his voice again. “But that was before I lost all respect for you.”
“I’m not listening to this anymore. Get out!” Kathryn finally demanded pointing to the door.
He stared at her with pure hate in his eyes, but stayed frozen in place for a moment before turning to walk towards the door, but then stopping to face her.
“You know Kathryn, I expected more from you. But you’re finally showing your true colors and it’s apparent now that you never cared about my brother, if you can throw away everything we’ve built to take care of his daughter. None of it means anything to you.”
“Get the hell out! And I don’t care if you ever come back,” she growled at him as she shoved him toward the door. He glared at her once more and then stormed out. She heard his footsteps pound down the hall and then the front door slammed so hard the pictures on the wall shook.
Her blood was pumping from all the adrenaline and once the front door closed, she collapsed on her bed, staring around the room wondering what in the world had just happened between her and Luke.
She knew she shouldn’t listen to anything he said. He was obviously crazy or something, but then again, what if he wasn’t? Everyone knew she loved Ben, that she still loved Ben, but what if her relationship with Jace was wrong? What if Ben did want her and Luke together? What if she wanted to be with Luke? What if everything Luke had been saying was right?
She curled up in a ball on her bed as she stared at the picture of Ben in the broken, glassless frame through her tears. What had he done to her? Why had he left? He destroyed everything when he died.
Chapter 48
She was a wave of emotions, changing from confused, betrayed, livid and hopeless in the blink of an eye. She couldn’t shake the confrontation with Luke or her night with Jace, when she’d realized she couldn’t move on. She didn’t know how long she’d laid on her bed, staring at the photo of Ben after Luke left before finally coming back to reality and driving to her parent’s house to pick up Sarah.
Kathryn had never been able to hide anything from her mom and it was no different when she walked into the house to get her daughter. Sarah had been excited to see Kathryn, and she scooped her up quickly so she could avoid any small talk with her mother that would allow her to ask any questions. The attempt at a quick exit was pointless though because Kathryn could feel her mom’s eyes on her as she hurriedly gathered the diaper bag, claiming she couldn’t stay long because she had homework to do.
“Is everything alright?” her mom asked as Kathryn flung the bag over her shoulder and made her way to the front door.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just in a hurry to get back to work. Thanks again for watching her,” Kathryn said as her hand rested on the gold doorknob.
“You look…distraught,” her mom persisted as her eyes spanned over Kathryn.
“No, I’m not,” she insisted. “I’m fine. I just have a ton of work to do.”
“Why don’t you leave Sarah here for another night then?”
“No. I’m not going to dump my daughter off on you,” she said as she thought back to what Luke had accused her of.
“It’s not dumping Kathryn. Stop being so dramatic,” her mother said rolling her eyes. “You’re father and I are here to help you.”
“I know, but she’s my daughter and I can take care of her myself,” she snapped. “Thanks for your help.”
And with that, Kathryn opened the door and left.
Back at the apartment, she still couldn’t stop thinking about Luke and Jace…mainly Luke. She tried all day to make some headway on her coursework, but with her intrusive thoughts and the constant needs of Sarah, she barely made a dent. It was times like this she really missed Luke. He’d always been so great about occupying Sarah so she could get her work done. She always knew he’d been a big help, but it wasn’t until he’d left that she truly understood how big of a help he’d actually been and how much she relied on him.
She ultimately gave up and spent the day playing with Sarah, eventually putting her to bed and calling it an early night herself.
She didn’t sleep well that night, her mind still consumed with thoughts of Luke and Jace. Luke’s words still echoed in her mind the next morning as she and Sarah sat in front of the television eating their breakfast. She couldn’t get the hateful things he’d said out of her thoughts and she was starting to believe his words. Was Ben upset with her? Did he think she’d forgotten about him? She shook her head, trying to forget about everything, but it was no use and she was still thinking about it at lunch time. She’d showered and gotten ready for the day and tried studying, while Sarah napped, but she couldn’t get her mind to focus. She’d even ignored a phone call from Jace. She couldn’t talk to him with her head all mixed up the way it was.
Her computer sat open on her lap, the screen staring at her waiting for her to type, but nothing was coming out. She shut it harder than she probably should have and sighed in frustration.
Then she heard the click of the doorknob, startling her. She looked up and her stomach dropped as she saw Luke standing in the doorway, a small bouquet of flowers in his hands.
“Luke,” she said, feeling a scowl spread over her face. “What are you doing here?”
“Kathryn, please. Before you kick me out again, I just want to say I’m so sorry about yesterday. Please, can I talk to you?” he asked and she noticed his eyes that had been filled with daggers the day before, were now back to the gentle, familiar eyes she remembered.
“I think you said all you needed to say yesterday,” she told him coldly.
“Please Kathryn.”
His eyes were pleading and even though she knew she shouldn’t, she finally relented and nodded. He stepped the rest of the way inside and handed her the flowers, which were a mix of beautiful fall colors: yellow, orange, and red. She took the bouquet and held it to her nose, taking in their sweet fragrance.
“Can I sit down?” he asked a few moments later. She didn’t say anything, but he sat beside her and looked around nervously.
“Okay Luke, I’m listening,” she said impatiently.
He took a deep breath and then he looked at her. His eyes were moist, but he didn’t cry.
“Kathryn,” he began slowly. “I am so sorry about yesterday. I can’t believe I said those things to you. I don’t know what came over me.”
“How could you say that I never cared about Ben?”
“Because I was angry and I wanted to hurt you. I think maybe I said those things because I figured if I was mean to you, you’d hate me and it’d be easier for me to stay away from you.”
His honesty surprised her and she didn’t quite know what to say. She expected him to come up with some lame excuse. She hadn’t anticipated the truth.
“Well, you succeeded in hurting me,” she said finally and he shifted uncomfortably.
“I really am sorry,” he said again. “I want to make things right. I miss you and I miss Sarah. I miss us.”
“I don’t know how we can make things right. We’re on two totally different pages,” she said and stood up in frustration, grabbing the flowers and walking quickly to her bedroom.
She tossed the flowers on the bed and took a deep breath, trying not to cry and get caught up in the wave of confusion she always felt when Luke was around lately. She didn’t hear him walk in, but she felt his presence behind her and then the gentle feel of his hand on her arm and the sweetness of his
breath on her neck.
“I don’t know what came over me yesterday,” he said softly. “Since everything’s started happening between you and me and you and Jace, it’s like I finally realized that Ben really is gone. I mean…” he paused seeming to struggle for words. “I knew in my head that he was gone, but seeing you, I don’t know, unable to move on, still so much in love with him…it was like he wasn’t really gone, because obviously he couldn’t really be gone if you still needed him so much. But, watching you actually…move on… with Jace…and not me…everything seemed final. Ben’s dead, and you don’t need him anymore.” She turned to face him just in time to see a tear fall from his eyes.
“The problem is though, I do need him,” she said quietly. “Too much. Every time I think I can move on, he’s there and I’m a complete mess again,” she said closing her eyes and thinking back to the night with Jace when she’d freaked out and all the times Luke had caused her to question everything in her life. “And you haven’t helped the situation,” she said poking an accusatory finger into his chest. She wasn’t surprised to see him smiling at her last comment.
“You think this is funny?” she said trying not to look at his contagious grin, but couldn’t resist for long and soon she was smiling too. “This isn’t funny.” He continued grinning at her and she let out a small laugh. “This is so not funny,” she continued, trying to push the smile away.
“No, it’s not funny,” he said with a laugh.
“Then stop making me laugh,” she said teasingly shoving him.
“I’m not,” he said playfully shoving her back. “You’re just so darn cute when you’re angry.”
She felt herself blush and they both started laughing.
“I miss this Kate,” he said when the laughter died down. “I miss laughing with you and joking. It’s always been so easy between us.”
“Not lately though,” she said, turning serious again and his smile faded too and he took her hand in his.
“I want it back. I want this back,” he said pointing slowly between them.
“Me too,” she agreed.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get it back, even if it means giving up when it comes to me and you,” he said softly as he looked down into her eyes. “I should’ve just left the whole thing alone and I would have had I known it was going to cause this between us, that it would ruin everything.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” she said quietly. “It wasn’t just you. It was both of us. Everything that’s happened, everything that’s changed is because of both of us. I relied on you too much. I expected too much from you and you always came through and I think you became my crutch and now it’s all gone. Our friendship, everything we built with Sarah, it’s all gone because we can’t figure out this thing between us.”
“I love you Kathryn. I know I’m not my brother, but I do love you for what it’s worth.” He paused for a second and then squeezed her hand. “But, I’ll try to forget about it if it means we can go back to where we were.”
“I don’t know if I want you to forget,” she whispered, almost unable to get the words out, not wanting to admit it.
She sighed and then looked back into his eyes and was suddenly transfixed. The room seemed to disappear around them and her arm, as if possessed, reached up and rested her palm over his heart. He, in turn, covered her hand with his. She closed her eyes as he pulled her closer, resting her head on his chest. He gently stroked her hair and she reached up and caressed the side of his face. Her fingers slowly wrapped around his neck and instinctively pulled his lips to hers. Her body filled with warmth as she felt his lips against hers.
“Luke, I…” she whispered breathlessly, still clinging to him, but she couldn’t finish her thought as Luke kissed her again, causing her head to spin and then the sound of someone clearing their throat suddenly jerked her back to reality. Her eyes snapped open and her heart began to pound as she pushed Luke away and turned her head towards the sound that had brought her back to reality. As she glanced to the doorway, she was horrified when her eyes met Jace’s. Her body flushed with embarrassment, overwhelmed by what she had just done and terrified about what Jace must have seen.
Her eyes shifted back to Luke, who was staring at her with sadness and a hint of satisfaction as he turned and glanced nervously at Jace standing in the doorway. The two men’s eyes met and Kathryn noticed Jace looking at Luke quizzically. Luke broke their stare and looked back at Kathryn and without a word quickly brushed by Jace as he stepped out of the way to let him pass. Jace’s eyes followed Luke as he left the apartment until he shut the door behind him and then Jace turned back to face Kathryn.
“Was I interrupting something?” he asked sarcastically. His eyebrows raised and Kathryn felt her stomach tying in knots as Jace remained in the doorway, bewilderment spread across his face. “Um,” he began and then held up her wallet. “I…uh…I found this at my house. You left it there the other night. I tried calling earlier, but obviously you were busy,” he staggered. “I thought you might need it, so I thought I’d drop it off. No one answered when I knocked, but I saw your car out front. I hope you don’t mind I let myself in.”
“No,” she said quietly taking the wallet from him. She twirled the small pink rectangle in her hand and they stood in awkward silence for a few moments until Jace finally spoke.
“Alright Kathryn enough of this. What the hell is going on?” he finally asked, the coolness he’d been exhibiting obviously gone as his voice began to rise.
“What did you see?” she asked, unable to look at him.
“I saw enough,” he said coldly, his jaw clinched tightly as he tried to stay calm, running a quivering hand through his hair.
His eyes focused on the photograph of Ben on her nightstand. Luke and Ben had the same features and hair, only Luke’s was slightly darker, and their eyes were the exact same shade of hazel. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought he had seen Ben…that he had seen Kathryn and Ben…together when he walked in on her and Luke, and everything suddenly became clear.
“Luke just came by to talk,” she said softly, still unable to look at Jace. Her eyes darted everywhere around the room, except to where he stood.
He walked slowly over to the bed and stared down at the bouquet of flowers.
“Did he come by to give you these flowers too?” he asked his voice wavering with quiet concern as he picked them up.
“Yes,” she admitted.
Jace’s eyes drifted around, absorbing the bedroom she had turned into a shrine to Ben.
“So, how long has this been going on between you and Luke? And were you ever going to tell me or were you just going to keep playing me?” he said tossing the flowers back onto the bed. His jaw clenched again and a vein throbbed on his cheek.
“It’s not like that. There’s nothing going on between us.”
“You could’ve fooled me! After all, you were kissing him!” he said, his voice finally rising.
With her head looking down, but her eyes finally finding Jace’s, she confessed.
“It’s complicated.”
“Complicated?” he laughed sarcastically. “Can you maybe explain how I could’ve possibly misinterpreted what I just saw?”
“It’s not what you think,” she defended.
“How can it be anything else Kathryn?” His voice was low and stern and her name sounded bitter as it left his mouth. She just stared at him in silence, not knowing what to say. “What? You can’t even talk to me? I thought we were building something together. I thought we had something,” he said staring at her again, waiting for her to say something, but she remained silent. “I’m done Kathryn! I’m just done. I walk in on you making out with Luke and you won’t even say anything.” He stared at her once more and then turned to walk away. She rushed over to him and grabbed his arm to stop him. He turned around and stared at her, his eyes filled with betrayal.
“Wait! Please don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I? What the
hell would you do if you were me?”
“I’d be furious and you should be upset with me, but please, it’s not what you think.”
“What is it then?” he asked in a voice that told her he was seconds away from walking out and she knew she had to start explaining.
“Luke’s been a really good friend to me since Ben died,” she began quietly.
“Yeah, I already know that. You live together after all,” he said sarcastically and she continued.
“We’ve grown close since Ben died. He’s helped me so much with Sarah. There’s so much you don’t even know. So much he’s done for me since before I even knew you…and sometimes when I’m with him, it’s like…it’s almost as if…” she said before her voice trailed off to nothing and she was staring at the floor.
“It’s almost as if you’re with Ben,” he said finishing her sentence.
There was an uncomfortable pause in the room and she was finally able to meet his eyes.
“I’m trying to get where you’re coming from, I really am. But it’s taking all my willpower not to run after Luke and beat the crap out of him. I need to understand.”
“I don’t even understand,” she said, her eyes growing heavy.
“I think I do,” he said sitting beside her on the bed.
“It’s nothing Jace. Please don’t worry about it.”
“You’re kidding, right Kathryn? You are kidding me? I walk in on you kissing someone else and I’m not supposed to worry about it?” he scoffed.
“No…I mean yes…I mean, I didn’t want it to happen. It just happened,” she said quietly defending herself.
“It wasn’t the first time, was it?” he asked in a much calmer voice than she expected.
She didn’t say anything, just continued to look at the floor. Her silence gave him his answer.
“I’m not blind and I’m not stupid,” he continued.
“What?” she asked, finally looking into his dark eyes.
“You’re not ready for any of this…for us,” he said.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 36