Once again.
She couldn’t eat, anyway. Her stomach felt painfully hollow, empty at the thought he may have done what he’d threatened to do. Go back overseas. To go back to the turmoil and the pain. Something familiar.
And it would be all her fault.
She couldn’t live with herself if he got himself hurt or killed.
Max had called her every day, asking if she’d seen him. And every day before he hung up, he’d try to reassure her by saying, “He’ll turn up.”
That didn’t sound promising. People turned up all the time. Though, sometimes not in the most desirable of ways.
Like a robot, she went through the motions of going to work every day, seeing her patients, listening to fetal heartbeats, giving advice. She even delivered a baby this week, and her normal excitement of bringing a new life into this world had been missing.
When her phone rang on the counter, she rushed to it and looked at the Caller ID. With trembling fingers, she picked it up and swiped across the screen.
She couldn’t even say hello.
She heard his breath on the other end of the line and she wanted to collapse in relief.
At least he was alive.
“I’m sorry.”
Her anger bubbled up at how worried he’d made her. “Stop apologizing all the time,” she snapped. Then she took a breath and composed herself. “Where are you? And if you say Iraq or Afghanistan—or, hell, Syria—I’m flying over there this minute to strangle you.”
She wished she was kidding, but she wasn’t.
“I wanted to let you know I’m okay.”
“Tell me where you are.” His silence made her squeeze the phone tighter. “Matt…”
“I’m okay, Carly.”
No, he wasn’t. He was not okay. People didn’t just vanish from their loved ones like that.
She heard voices in the background.
“I need to get off the phone now.”
“Why? Is someone making you get off the phone?”
“I have to go.”
“Matt. Tell me where you are.” Her words may have sounded calm out loud, but in her head she screamed. “Did you at least talk to Max?”
“Yes.”
The phone went dead.
She stared at the screen as it went dark. She quickly pushed the power button and scrolled through her contacts until she found Max’s number.
His gruff greeting brought a sense of relief to her.
“Where is he?” she demanded.
“What?”
“Max, tell me where he is.” His hesitation made her want to scream. “I know you know, he told me he talked to you.”
Max didn’t disguise the surprise in his voice. “You talked to him?”
“Yes. Just now. Only for a few seconds.”
“I tried to stay out of it but now I need to ask…What’s going on between you two?”
Carly opened her mouth and then shut it with a snap. A disaster, that’s what, she wanted to say.
“Whatever it is, it’s triggering something.”
Carly closed her eyes, holding the phone to her ear, but unable to speak.
“Doc?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I mean… I know… Oh fuck.”
“Huh. Sounds like how my relationship with Amanda started. Sort of one of those oh-fuck-what-the-fuck-holy-fuck-what-the-fuck-are-we-doing starts. I can’t say it was easy in the least. And believe me, I’m sure dealing with Matt is twice, three times, hell, a million times messier than what I had to deal with Amanda.” He chuckled, then sobered quickly. “Carly, listen. I have a feeling something big is going on between the two of you. Even so, he needs to give me permission to tell you where he is.”
“And he didn’t give it,” Carly whispered into the phone, gripping it harder.
“I didn’t ask. But I promise I will.”
She nodded, then realized Max couldn’t see her. “Please.”
He cleared his throat. “Uh… Are you in love with my brother?”
She sank into one of the kitchen chairs. “I think so,” she said softly.
“Oh shit. How did that happen?” he asked. “I mean, I don’t need to you tell me how that happens. I guess I’m trying to figure out how anyone could fall in love with that walking…” He blew out a loud breath. “Catastrophe.”
“He’s not a catastrophe.”
“Oh hell, you’re definitely in love.”
She sighed. “Okay, he’s a mess. However, he’s a good person.”
Max sighed. “He’s an asshole. You know why? Because he brought all this on himself. He had the option to come home several times. He didn’t. He made that decision. No one else.” His voice became thick and he hesitated. “But seriously, he truly has a good heart. Though you can’t convince him of that. I talked to his C.O.s—”
“C.O.s?”
“Commanding officers,” he clarified. “Just in an attempt to figure him out, figure out what he went through to try to find a way to help him. He’s my baby brother, my blood. It hurts me to see him like this.”
Carly dropped her head into her hand. “Me too.”
“If you want my advice, you should just leave him alone. Save yourself from all the heartache and pain.”
“I don’t want your advice.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so. But it was free and you got it anyway.”
“Love sucks,” she groaned.
“Yeah, maybe. It’s like a tattoo. It hurts like a bitch until it heals, and then you realize it was all worth it in the end. It turns into a piece of art. Sometimes it’s fucked up art, but it’s art you can appreciate for the rest of your life.”
“That is the most screwed up analogy.”
Max laughed on the other end of the phone. “I know. I suck at that stuff.”
“Amanda is a lucky woman,” she said softly, meaning it.
“Nah. I’m the lucky one. And we’re lucky we had you to deliver our baby girl. Welcome to the family, Doc. You’re going to be on one fucked up ride. So hang on tight.”
And with that, he hung up.
Forget buckling a seatbelt for this ride. She needed a five-point race car harness.
15
Carly watched Amanda move around the kitchen of the Boneyard Bakery. The little dog biscuit bakery the woman had built from the ground up was impressive.
She perched on one of the stainless-steel counters with Hannah in her arms. The baby slept soundly and she didn’t want to wake her. Though, the kid was becoming heavy and hot.
The infant was precious though. The ache in her chest widened as she gazed down at the baby’s face, her little bow-like lips parted as she slept.
“You don’t have to keep holding her,” Amanda told Carly as she pulled out a huge sack of flour to start a fresh batch of dough. “I know after a while she feels as heavy as a cement block.”
“I want to.”
“Have you heard from him lately?” Amanda asked, as she gathered the rest of the ingredients.
There was no doubt who Amanda was talking about. “No. Not since that one quick phone call.”
Amanda shook her head. “Sorry.”
“It’s been a month. Do you know where he is?”
Amanda hesitated and avoided her eyes. “Yes.”
“But you can’t tell me.”
“I want to. But it’s up to Matt.”
Carly nodded. As a doctor she understood the privacy thing, though now that it affected her, she didn’t like it. Not one bit.
“Am I the cause for what happened? Am I the reason he left?” Carly asked.
Amanda laughed, stopped what she was doing, and slapped her hands on her hips. “Hell no. Don’t you ever take the blame for Matt’s actions.”
Hannah sighed in her sleep and smacked her lips. Carly smiled down at the bundle in her arms. How did someone go from innocent and unknowing like Hannah to damaged and out of control like Matt?
Life. Life happened.
And sometimes it came at you like a speeding freight train and you don’t have time to jump out of the way before it hits you.
“Max told me about the conversation you and he had,” Amanda confessed.
“I figured he would.”
“Don’t be mad, we tell each other everything,” Amanda said as she went back to doing her thing with the industrial-sized mixer.
“I understand. I’m not mad.”
“He said he welcomed you to the family. So I assume you’re fucked like Leah and me.” She snorted. “Just kidding. Max was the best thing to come into my life… Well, besides Greg… Oh, and his crazy family. And that damn dog.” She tilted her head toward Chaos, the black and white border collie, who curled up asleep in a dog bed, his legs and face twitching as he chased bunnies in his dreams.
“I told Max that you’re a lucky woman.”
The other woman snorted, swiping at flour on her apron. “And did he pass out laughing?”
“No, he said he was the lucky one.”
She paused with a measuring cup hovering over the huge stainless-steel mixing bowl. Then she glanced over at the baby in Carly’s arms. “Fuck, I love that man,” she whispered.
“And it’s evident,” Carly told her.
“You want kids?” she asked, dumping cup after cup of flour into the bowl causing a dust cloud to rise.
“Yes. But I can’t…” Carly’s voice drifted off.
“Can’t what?”
“Have any.”
Amanda turned toward her in surprise. “Damn.” She wiped the back of her hand across her forehead, leaving a streak of flour across her skin in its wake. “I’d ask why not, however, I don’t think it matters. Though, that may be a good thing for the two of you since Matt has this…problem…with kids…or babies, apparently. Or who the hell knows what. You should’ve seen him when I asked him to hold Hannah a month ago.”
“And did he?”
“Yeah, but not until I forced him. Max said he totally freaked out, like went into some sort of panic mode or something. That was the afternoon that we walked out and heard him screaming like a banshee in the parking lot. He smashed his phone too. It was crazy. You should have seen the look on his face. It was like he saw a ghost. That’s why Max sent him home. He couldn’t go on patrol in the state we found him in.”
Carly thought back to that nonsensical phone call. The one where she admitted she loved him. Now it all made sense…sort of. She frowned. No wonder he had been babbling on about not having babies.
“So, there you go; it’s a perfect match. You can’t have babies and Matt doesn’t want any. You only have to deal with his other…issues.”
“Yes, but I want—”
The back door to the bakery abruptly opened and Carly squinted at the silhouette in the doorway. Her breath caught as she slid to her feet. Amanda moved quickly to her, gently taking Hannah from her arms.
Matt’s eyes flicked from Carly, to Hannah, then back to Carly.
It had been a whole month with no word and then he just showed up? Like nothing.
“Is someone going to say something?” Amanda asked, placing Hannah in her carrier. “Or are we all just going to stare at each other in uncomfortable silence?”
Matt met Carly’s gaze and held it, causing the little hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. Something was different about him. He looked thinner in the face, yet his eyes seemed clearer.
“We need to talk,” he said, his voice low and deep, but emotionless.
Amanda groaned loudly. “That’s like the worse sentence ever in history. You couldn’t approach it in a different manner?”
Matt ignored her, waiting for Carly’s response. Whether that would be her telling him to go to hell, or she could follow him out the door to have a discussion. Right now, it remained a toss-up between the two. Her heart told her she should listen to what he had to say. Her head said to tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier. However, her body decided for her as she stepped forward and out the door into the daylight.
“Good luck,” Amanda murmured to her as she closed the bakery door behind them.
Then they were alone.
“Follow me,” he said. When she hesitated, he added, “Please.”
With a nod, she walked behind him a short distance to the barn next to the bakery. He unlatched the door and waited for her to step inside. When she did, he entered the dim interior and latched the door behind him.
He stood facing the entrance for a few moments, his back to her. Then his body heaved and he turned to face her.
He opened his mouth and she cut him off. “If you say you’re sorry one more time, I will scream. Don’t say it.”
He closed his mouth abruptly and nodded. Wandering over to a large pile of loose straw, he stared at it for a second, then headed to a beat-up metal cabinet. He grabbed what looked like an old blanket and spread it over the pile.
If she didn’t know better, she’d think they were having a romantic picnic.
But this wasn’t going to be romantic or a picnic.
“I know you don’t owe me any answers, but I’m asking anyway… Where have you been?”
He extended his hand to her and she stood staring at it for a moment before ignoring it and moving past him to settle on the blanket. That’s what he wanted, right? For her to sit? She could do it well enough on her own.
With a sigh, he settled next to her with his legs bent, his forearms crossed and propped on his knees. He pressed his forehead to his arms, staring down between his thighs.
“I went away,” he murmured.
Carly flung her arms out in frustration. “No shit. Why am I here if you’re not going to talk to me?”
“I need to talk to you,” he said, quietly.
She looked at him carefully. “So talk.”
He lifted his head, staring forward. “I went into an inpatient program.”
“What kind of program?”
“For vets with PTSD.”
“Did Max make you do it?”
He shook his head and then finally turned to meet her gaze. “No. I signed myself in.”
Her heart seized at his admission. She blinked quickly, wishing away the sudden burn in her eyes. “Is Max going to fire you?”
“I hope not.”
Carly hoped not either. The man needed a purpose in life and if you took that away, he might have nothing left.
“You could have told me,” she said.
“I was going to…”
“But you didn’t.” She lifted her palm. “Don’t apologize, damn it.”
He chuckled softly and tucked his head. “Okay, I won’t.”
Carly studied his face when he laughed, the way his eyes came alive, the way the skin crinkled at the corners, the lift of his lips. Her heart melted and, in that moment, she sank deeper in love with him.
This was who he was. He was not his PTSD. He was not his OCD. Those issues did not define him as a man. His laughter, his love, his caring about others above himself was what made him who he was. This was who she fell in love with. When she got those glimpses of the real Matt, however brief they were, that was the part of him she loved the most.
She placed a hand on his arm, their first contact since he disappeared for the second time. “Did it help?”
“I think so.”
“But you’re not sure?”
“No. To stay the full thirty days, they required me to take the medication I’ve been avoiding. I think it’s helping.”
“It’s not a weakness to take medication, Matt. Sometimes it’s just a helping hand. A step in the right direction.”
“Yeah,” he said, suddenly grim again. He turned to face her once more. “You want to hear some truth?”
She held her breath and nodded.
“I began to panic when I got home earlier and you weren’t there. I thought you left. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
“I’m not the one who disappears, Matt.”
He closed hi
s eyes and nodded, swallowing hard. “I deserved that.”
“Someone telling you they love you shouldn’t make you freak out like that.”
“You can’t.”
“I can’t what?”
“Love me.”
“But I do love you, Matt. Why can’t you accept that?”
He winced. “You can’t. You promised.”
He thought it was that simple. Carly wanted to laugh, but she didn’t. “You can’t tell me I can’t love you. It doesn’t work that way.”
“It has to work that way.” He hesitated, then whispered, “Because I can’t love you back.”
She released a loud sigh. “I know. But I never promised not to fall in love with you,” she claimed. “I only promised I wouldn’t ask for anything more than what you’re willing to give.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
She paused. This was not the first time he’d mentioned that. “Are you talking physically or emotionally?”
“Both.”
“You won't hurt me physically.” She knew that for sure. Emotionally might be a different story.
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, Matt. I do. I have no fear of you. I can see who you are deep down inside. Even if you can’t.”
“You hardly know me,” he insisted.
Carly raised her eyebrows, then pinned them in frustration. She knew him well enough. Maybe he didn’t believe it and she refused to argue the point. “You’re right. However, even in the short time we’ve known each other and spent time together, I can see you more clearly than you can see yourself.”
“I’m hopeless.”
For a second she didn’t know what to say to that. “Is that what they told you in the program?”
“No.”
“Then it’s untrue. And, anyway, don’t think like that. You have so much to give. Consider what you can do for your community, not only as a citizen, but as a police officer. It’s in your blood to serve.” She moved to kneel in front of him, making sure he couldn’t avoid her eyes. “You know what, Matt? You think you’re broken. Well, I’m broken too.” She laid a hand on her lower stomach. “This womb will never bear any children.” She cupped both breasts. “These will never feed a newborn. We both have to deal with what life handed us. Like it or not.”
“I’m sorry you’ll never have children.”
Brothers in Blue: The Complete Trilogy: Brothers in Blue Boxed Set - Books 1-3 Page 53