“Hi Kameron. How are you today, sweetheart?”
“Hey, Pine. I’m good. Where’s my girly?”
“Ouch. Under here,” I call. Kam tilts sideways at the waist, pulling the table cloth up to stare at me.
“Are we hiding?” Her shiny pink lips turn up into a smirk and one brow arches quizzically.
“Grape clean up. Why would I be hiding?” I flick a grape at her. She picks it up, dusts it off, and eats it. I make a disgusted face, crawling out past her.
“I saw Jaxon at the store,” she says.
“Yeah, he was here earlier.” I sit down to finish my glass of water, propping my feet on an empty chair.
“And…?” Kameron plops down across from me. Dad chuckles as he takes his plate to the sink.
I ignore him. “And what?”
Kameron scoffs. “Annnd, what about Benji? Have you seen him? Talked to him? Pledged your undying love to him for all of eternity?”
I choke on my water, spitting it from my mouth. Kameron jumps back and throws a napkin at me. “Gross.”
I glare at her. As if the floor-food-eater has any right to call me gross.
“On that note, I’m heading back out,” Dad announces. “Briar, don’t take too long. We need to get this done.” I watch him as he turns and smacks Mom right on her ass as if Kam and I aren’t sitting right here. Now that’s gross. Parental sex play should never be witnessed by the child—no matter how old I am.
Mom giggles, but at least has the decency to look slightly embarrassed. She hands him his baseball cap to keep the sun off his face and he winks before ducking out the door. As much as I love my parents, I have to fight the urge to gag. They’re too damn sweet, even for me.
“I’ll come with,” Kameron offers, pulling me back to our conversation. “I have nothing better to do today.”
I raise my eyebrows, fully aware she just wants to be around in case Benji shows himself. “You’re helping then,” I call over my shoulder.
She sighs loudly. “I figured.”
We split from Dad. He heads to one side of the field and we go to the other. “You never answered me. Have you seen him yet?”
I nod, biting my lip. “I saw him last night.”
Kameron stops and grabs my arm. “Late night meeting?” Her eyes are big and she smiles widely.
“No. I just saw him through the window.” It’s too hot. I’m not sure if it’s from the sun or Kameron’s questions. I take my t-shirt off, tuck part of it into my back pocket, and shake my tank top, trying to waft cool air onto my back.
Closing my eyes, I recall my first sight of Benji in three years. With a sigh, I say, “I think he might have seen me too, and if he did, he didn’t seem happy about it.”
Kameron’s eyebrows pucker. “What do you mean?”
I grab a corn tassel and start shaking. Kam runs her fingers over the silk on another stalk before copying my movements. “He just ignored me and shut his blinds. I haven’t seen him since. You’d think the first thing he’d have done today was come see me.”
“Did you do something?”
I shake my head and progress to the next stalk. “No. I woke up and looked out the window. He was standing at his window, saw me, and closed his blinds.” I shrug helplessly. “I didn’t get a chance to do anything.”
Kameron licks her lips as she thinks. “Well, maybe he was tired or something. Or maybe he really didn’t see you. And his mom just died. I’m sure he isn’t in the best mood right now.”
That actually makes a lot of sense. I glance over at his house even though I’m much too far away to really see anything. “I can’t believe I didn’t think about that.” I feel like total shit the thought hadn’t occurred to me. I’ve been too busy thinking about myself when Benji’s suffering the loss of his mom.
“Maybe when we’re done we can go over,” Kameron suggests.
“I don’t know. Jaxon said he had to work at the store. And I’m supposed to take him riding. Do you want to come?”
Kameron cocks her head to the side—eyebrow lifted—and rolls her eyes. “Of course I want to come. I should just stay the night, too.”
Now I roll my eyes. I feel like I should be charging her admission to the Benji and Briar show.
8
Benji
I’ve resorted to stalking.
Truthfully, I don’t feel bad about it. It’s better to watch Briar from a distance than to go hang out with her like nothing’s changed.
I take turns in each room of the house, giving every window equal creeper time. I’m coiled tight, resentment boiling in my veins. My head is full of pressure and I can’t tell if I’m coming down or if I’m just that pissed off. I’m angry. So fucking angry.
I threw my entire life away. Not just once, but over and over again. I never should have left with my mom. My grandpa didn’t kick me out three years ago. He didn’t want Jaxon and me to leave. He was sick of Mom’s shit and gave her an ultimatum—clean up or get out. I don’t think he ever thought, for even a second, she’d take us with her.
Jax was only sixteen. He was underage and didn’t have many choices. And I think he looked at this as an opportunity to have more time with Mom. All the time we missed over the years. But I knew better. I shouldn’t have gone.
Guilt slices into my chest. So much guilt.
It’s really hard to explain the pull a parent has on their kid. Especially a shitty one. I knew my mom wasn’t right since I was five years old. I saw how different she was from Briar’s mom. I understood by the time I was seven that she had a drug and alcohol problem. I remember learning in school exactly what addiction was—and that it was bad. I came home that day and tried to throw it all away. All her cigarettes. All her alcohol. All her pills. It was the first time my mom ever hit me.
I’ve pretty much always been aware just how fucked up she was—but she was still my mom. She was mine. I loved her. Sometimes I hated her, but I always loved her. And I would do anything for her. I’d cover for her when CPS came knocking. I’d lie to Grandpa—for her. I got a job and handed over half my pay to feed her habit—for her. I worked my ass off to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies—for her. I left a life with Briar—for her.
I hated her a lot there at the end. After I let the addiction consume me and I lost who I was, I couldn’t stand to look at her. But I never stopped loving her.
So the guilt I feel for wishing I had stayed, for blaming my mom for taking away my life, it’s a slowly devouring, gnawing wound that I don’t know how to heal. But when I stand at this window, staring out at the only girl I have ever been in love with, it feels like maybe—just maybe—it won’t destroy me.
Maybe I can beat this. All of this.
Maybe there really is a way back. And Briar’s my map.
She pauses, her hand gripping a corn stalk taller than she is, and I swear, she looks directly at me. I freeze, my breath catching in my lungs. I don’t want her to catch me watching her like the demented shadow I am, but I want her to see me so badly. I want to believe she really is looking right at me.
She turns away, her head tipping down, braid swinging over her shoulder. Light reflects off something in her hand and then—in true Briar fashion—she starts dirty dancing, right there in the cornfield. She looks completely ridiculous, but something about the way she moves, so carefree and uninhibited, causes the hairs on my arms to rise.
I smile, because she’s happy.
I pinch my eyes close because it has nothing to do with me.
It’s haunting how you can love someone so much, you honestly need them to be happy, but at the same time, it’s the worst pain in the world to know you aren’t the cause of their joy.
I yank the cord on the blinds, begging them to lower and cut her off from my sight. She stirs too many emotions. I’m glad she can be happy—really I am. But I’m pissed she’s so fucking happy. I’ve been miserable. I’m pissed that I can look at her and feel that connection we had years ago—that the love I
felt for her is still there. But worst of all, I’m pissed that even from this far away she can make me feel optimistic. I haven’t felt like this for so long.
I haven’t felt for so long.
I use drugs so I don’t have to feel.
I jerk the cord again, so hard this time that the mini-blinds rip from the window and crash to the floor. As I stare down at them, not really seeing them, I wonder if Briar could truly be my cure. Could she be my new drug? The one that makes me better. That ends all this suffering.
I raise my head slowly, watching her as the dust motes flutter around my head. There hasn’t been a whole lot I ever wanted. Even less that I’ve asked for. But I want her. I want to be able to touch her again. To feel her heart beat against my chest. To smell the scent of her hair. To kiss her.
You don’t realize how important those things are until they’re no longer there.
But I need to be able to offer her something more than what I am.
I inhale deeply, knowing that I just made the decision. I know I said I made it before, that I was quitting, but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t solid until this very moment.
I’m going to do this for her. I’m going to find my way back.
9
Briar
Jaxon gets the biggest grin on his face, dimples and all, when I tell him he can ride Kingston. I swing my leg over Dad’s horse, Grace. And then I sit back, attempting to hide my amusement as I watch Jax climb awkwardly onto the saddle. It’s definitely been a while for him.
“So Benji couldn’t make it?”
“He’s still working.”
I figured as much. Mr. Borelli keeps the store open later during the summer. Benji had always worked the later hours with Payton before he left. I had hoped he would be able to get out of it with it being his first day back and all. I clear my throat. “We need to stop and get Kameron. She went home to get Princess.”
Jaxon snickers at Kameron’s horse’s name and I laugh with him. “It’s Kameron, what do you expect?”
“What happened to Honey Suckle?”
I shake my head. “They had to put her down last year. Bad infection,” I say sadly. That was a bad month. I hated watching the old horse suffer, but worse, I hated the way Kameron suffered. We love our horses like they’re part of our families.
“That sucks,” Jaxon says. “I didn’t expect so much to change. I mean, I figured people would look different, but it’s like everything’s different.”
We turn off the main road, taking the private path up to Kameron’s house. “What do you mean?” The biggest change I can think of is the Borelli boys leaving. And coming back.
“I don’t know.” He chews on the inside of his cheek and stares straight ahead. “It just doesn’t feel the same. Before we left, this place was so country. Everything was green and alive.”
“It still is,” I say, confused.
“It is, but it isn’t. We had two fast-food restaurants when I moved. Now there are at least six that I counted. And there weren’t as many stores in town as there are now.”
I can see Kameron walking Princess down her driveway. She waves at us excitedly, her hair swaying across her shoulders. Jaxon waves back, a small, appreciative smile on his lips. “She’s gotten prettier, too. I didn’t think that was possible.”
I give him a knowing grin. “Jax, do you have a crush on Kameron?” His face glows a shade of bright pink and I do what any friend would do. I start singing, “Jaxon and Kameron sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
He shoots me a menacing look, but his lips twitch into a grin that he tries poorly to conceal. “Just shut up, Bri.”
“There’s only a year age difference. I can talk to her for you if you want,” I tease. “Hook you up.”
“I said shut up.”
“Oh my, you two are fighting already?” Kameron eyes each of us expectantly. “What’d I miss?”
I just laugh as Jaxon turns pinker, like two balls of fire blooming on his sun-kissed cheeks. “I can’t even remember what we were talking about. Do you, Jax?”
This little lopsided smirk shows off one of his dimples and he winks at me. He looks so much like Benji, I just stare at him. It’s such a non-Jaxon thing to do. “I’m sure I’ll remember lots of conversations later with Benji.”
Oh. My. God. The little shit is threatening me. I can’t believe it, yet, I’m strangely proud of the asshole. My eyes narrow. “Point taken. Let’s go get some ice cream.”
Without another word, I turn Grace around and push her into a run. Jaxon brings Kingston up beside me. “Last one to the bridge buys?”
Damn. Why’d I let him ride King? He has the fastest horse. Hopefully his years not riding will give me the advantage. I nod and dig my heels into Grace’s sides. I lift my ass off the saddle and lean forward. I realize quickly my other advantage. Jaxon is just too big. I’m smaller, lighter, just enough for Grace to slide ahead by a foot. I don’t see Kameron, but I can hear her laughing, and it doesn’t sound like she’s very far behind me.
We’re on the edge of town, right where the newest store went up a few months ago. The trail narrows here before splitting off. There’s a large drainage ditch to the left. Only way through is one at a time or off to the right, into the thick grass. Either way, someone will have to fall behind.
I pull myself up more until I’m nearly standing as I plead with Grace to go faster. Jaxon is right next to me now, our legs almost touching. I’m smiling so widely my cheeks hurt. I’ve missed this so much. Kameron very rarely races with me because she hates losing and Flynn doesn’t like to ride. My hair pelts against my back and I feel as if I’m flying.
Twisting my left hand into the rein, I let go with the right and lightly brush it across Kingston’s side. As soon as I make contact with him, the horse pulls off to the right just enough, allowing Grace to dash straight down the trail and out onto the road. I take the lead as the bridge comes into view. Jaxon curses and I give a whoop of victory when Grace’s hooves hit the wooden planks.
I stop on the other side of the bridge and turn around. “I want double scoops and sprinkles, loser.”
Kameron and Jaxon share a look before turning to me. “You cheated,” Jaxon calls.
“I did not,” I say defensively.
Kameron slides up beside me and shakes her head. “You were horse whispering. I don’t know, seems like cheating to me.”
“Yeah, you touched King,” Jax says.
“There were no rules stated. I won,” I argue in a sing-song voice as we stop outside Fancy’s Dairy. This has been my hangout for the last seven or eight years—ever since Fancy’s dad gifted her with the small ice cream shop on her high school graduation day. She’s one of the youngest storeowners around here, but she has a knack for homemade ice cream.
I tie Grace’s reigns to the light post and rip the band from my braid. Running my fingers through my knotted hair, I try to tame it into something presentable. Kameron helps me, taking over with a real comb from her purse when I get my fingers stuck.
“Well, King,” Jaxon sighs, “we would have won if your mom wasn’t a cheater. Next time, buddy.” He pats King’s back, ignoring the look I give him. “Let’s go eat. I’ve missed Fancy’s ice cream,” he adds.
I hold the door letting the others go in before me. My traitorous eyes can’t help glancing over to Borelli’s Grocery, hoping to catch a glimpse of Benji. My heart stumbles around in my chest before picking up at double its normal pace. He’s outside, wiping down the windows. The sun’s just setting and the outside light clicks on above his head like a halo. His work shirt is too small, showing off several inches of his sculpted back as he reaches for the top half of the door. My eyes trail up the rest of his torso in appreciation. That is probably the best damn t-shirt in the entire world. And I wish I was that shirt right now.
“Hey, you coming or not, stalker?”
I jump guiltily at Kameron’s voice and she pops a bubble near my ear. “You are so busted,” she sings. I kno
w my face is red as I brush past her through the door. As soon as we sit down, I look out the window, but Benji’s gone.
“Hey, Jax, you should go see if Benji can take a break and come join us for ice cream. I bet Briar would buy then.” Kam smiles and leans forward, her elbows on the table, chin in her hands.
Jaxon looks around, everywhere but at Kam and me. “Um, yeah, okay. I’ll be right back.”
Kameron arches her eyebrow and looks at me for an answer, but I don’t have one. I shrug and snatch the menu from the little holder. “He’s been weird every time Benji’s mentioned,” I say. “I’m seriously starting to think he hates me.”
She squints at me. “Jaxon or Benji?”
I tilt my head. “Benji. I mean, with the way he hasn’t come to see me, and the way Jax keeps making excuses for him to not be around me… I bet he comes back alone, with nothing but a lame excuse as to why Benji can’t join us.” I shake my head, angry now. “Even though Benji used to take breaks whenever he felt like it.” He also used to be my best friend. I guess both of those things have changed.
Kameron’s watching me quietly, her jaw twitching as she chews on her gum. The silence is thick and unsettling. “I broke up with Flynn,” I blurt out. “Or I guess he broke up with me.”
“Whoa, wait. What?” Kameron slams her hands flat on the table. “When did this happen?”
“Last night, this morning. I’m not sure. There were two conversations, but we never officially said we were broken up. It was more implied, I guess.”
“Hold up. I spent most of the day with you and you’re just now telling me this? What happened?” She’s really working the gum now, her eyes big.
I sigh. “Basically he wanted me to choose. Said he didn’t want to live wondering and I told him he didn’t have to.” I shrug one shoulder and scratch my arm. “I was always honest with him about my feelings. He knew before we ever got together how I felt about Benji.” I start tearing a napkin apart, ripping it into long strips. “I don’t know. We hadn’t talked about him in so long. I guess he thought I was getting over him. And even now, with the way he’s avoiding me like the plague, I still feel the same. Ugh, which is so stupid because I don’t even know him anymore and he obviously doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
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