by Kara Hart
The man smiles back, but he doesn’t continue on his path. I awkwardly turn away, pushing the stroller forward, and lighting my cigarette.
“You shouldn’t smoke though,” he says, quite rudely actually. “You could kill yourself. Or your baby.”
“Yeah?” I turn around. “Well maybe I don’t care too much about living right now. Ever think about that?” I hold myself back from screaming and I push forward.
Still, the man persists. He follows me to the end of the block and just when I’m about to cross the street, I feel his hand touch my shoulder.
“Listen, please,” I back away from him. He’s got a raincoat on that covers half of his face. “Just leave me alone, okay? I haven’t had the best week.”
“You’ve changed,” he says. “The girl I remember didn’t react like that to things.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, stepping in front of Angela. I start to feel weird, like I shouldn’t have left the apartment. Maybe Danny is right. Maybe the streets are too dangerous to walk.
No. That’s what he wants me to think. He wants me to stay inside forever. He wants me to die a scared and shrill old woman. This is probably one of his friends he hired to mess with me.
It starts to pour and now I’m soaked. Angela laughs with glee, of course, clapping her hands against the water. “It’s raining!” she says. “Wow!”
“Yes, sweetie. We have to go inside now…” I whisper to her.
“Uh oh,” she says, getting water in her shoes. I push her back toward the apartment.
“The girl I knew was spontaneous. She wasn’t afraid of going outside. What happened?” the strange man asks.
I turn around and breathe out sharp and impatient. He continues, “So, I go off to war to defend your freedom and this is how you use it? I’m sorry, Dakota. But you’ve changed.”
I squint against the darkness outside. I can’t make out his face. “Payton?” I find myself asking, even though it’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever asked. I don’t let him answer. “Sorry, for a split second I thought you were someone else.”
“I’ve looked all over for you,” he says. My heart starts to pound and I collapse when he takes off the hood of his coat. He falls to the ground with me, holding me up. The rain pours down on us and we’re both soaking wet.
“I’ve found you. I knew I could do it,” he says, incredulously.
“No,” I whisper. “This isn’t real. This is a nightmare. This whole thing is a nightmare.”
His smile fades and I’m left struggling to grasp at the pieces of my life that lay before me. “Who’s baby is this?” he suddenly asks me, setting me to my feet. “Are you not happy to see me?”
“It’s a woman upstairs. I take her on a walk every night. She works long hours,” I lie, avoiding eye contact with him.
“Why can’t you look at me?” he asks. “If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry. You don’t understand how long I’ve been looking forward to this day. I—”
I can’t stand to hear any more of this. I push Angela to the doorway of our penthouse and hurry away. “Please,” I try to hold in my tears, “if you’re smart, you’ll stay away from me.”
“Dakota,” he calls out. “I came out all this way to find you. I’ve been searching for years. I… shit, I miss you. I miss that night.”
The images flood my mind. I was younger and much happier. I had seen better days. The feeling that memory gives me is undeniably good. It fills my whole body with warmth. It also makes me think about my current situation and that fills me with dread and misunderstanding.
“How did it all end up like this?” I ask myself aloud. Payton stands there, getting drenched by the rain. He looks desperate, like he’s ready to take me away from here.
“You’re not a prisoner,” he says. “You can leave at any time.”
“You don’t understand,” I cry. “Fuck. No one understands.”
I turn and slide my key card through the slot in front of the door. I quickly open the door and look at him one more time. “I wish you hadn’t come,” I tell him. “I don’t need to relive the past, Payton. I just need to keep my marriage intact.”
And just like that, another door cuts us off. I press the button to the elevator and head upstairs to my husband, Danny.
131
Payton
It’s like I said. I don’t give up too easy. I found her in the pouring rain, right outside the address I was given. I couldn’t believe it. It took some digging, but once I got to New York and found the right people, the information was practically thrown at me.
Her old agent seemed to encourage it. “Maybe you can get her out of that rut she’s in,” she told me. “Between you and me, I get the feeling her husband is a little controlling.”
Sure enough, I had found her. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to be thrilled about me being there. I knew it might end up like this. I’ve been gone for almost four years. A lot has changed on both ends. I’m a retired Navy SEAL and she’s a seemingly retired actress now. I shouldn’t just expect her to be happy about seeing me.
There’s something weird about her, though. She doesn’t act like she used to. Unlike her agent, I know her husband is controlling and I have to figure out more. Did she get the letters I sent her?
I’m currently a nomad. It’s just about the only way of living that I know, ever since the war. I get a check from the Navy every month and I’m set for a while. I don’t need much and I’m sure as hell not going anywhere until I figure all this out either.
When I wake up, I stretch my arms and look around my empty shoebox apartment. Time to start my day. I walk down the street, grab a cup of coffee and immediately, I bump into someone on the street. “Watch out, will ya?” the man screams. Coffee spills all over, burning my hands.
“Shit,” I mutter. The city is different from what I expected. It’s nothing like Texas. Or Afghanistan, for that matter.
This is going to be harder than I thought. She doesn’t want to see me. She doesn’t want to face herself and the mess she’s in. I decide that this is going to be my new home, until she has an actual conversation with me.
I do what I have to do. I walk into the temp agency and tell them flat out “I’m need a job.”
“Oh yeah?” the woman stares at me blankly. “Well, get in line.” I turn around and there’s a line out the door.
“Come on, buddy,” a woman says to me with a heavy Brooklyn accent.
Yeah, this ain’t Texas, that’s for sure.
Construction. That’s what they give me. One job is what they can spare. I’m actually happy about it. It gives me something to do, while I plan out how the hell I’m going to get Dakota to hear me out.
When I get to the site, I realize just how hard this is going to be. “You sure you’re in the right place, pal?” a bigger man with a steel pail lunch box asks me. He clocks in and eyes me steadily.
“First day,” I tell him.
“Well, get ready,” he laughs. “This job ain’t for everybody. And if you fuck it up, or if you’re lazy, you’ll see your ass on the streets in no time. Got it?”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “I got it. I’m used to hard jobs.” I don’t add that I’m a war veteran, or that I dodged bullets and got stabbed twice saving one of our own.
“Good,” he waddles away from me and I follow. “You can hang with me. I’ll show you the ropes around here. The name’s Dobbins.” He stops and turns to me, extending a darkened, greasy hand.
“Don’t worry, it’s just a little grease,” he laughs. “You’ll get used to it, working around here.”
“I’m not worried,” I tell him, grabbing his hand firmly.
We enter a large outside elevator that takes us to the top of a skyscraper. I’m not afraid of a group of bullets heading toward me anymore, but I fucking hate heights. When we get to the top, I vomit almost instantly.
“Whoa there, bud!” Dobbins jumps back a little. “Shit, that’s your whole dinner. Be careful wher
e you aim. There’s workers all around us, below us, everywhere you look.”
We start the process of building. I’m handing him tools, he’s setting everything in place, and soon enough, I’m getting the hang of everything. Eventually, he asks me, “So where you from? Why’d you come out to the big city? I’m guessing it’s not to pursue your art career, is it?”
I laugh and shake my head, handing him a metal beam. “Nah, nothing like that,” I say. “I’m not sure you’d understand though.”
“Try me,” he says. “You’d be surprised. I’m a pretty understanding guy.”
I sigh and wipe the sweat off my forehead. It’s muggy outside and the work is tough, but I’ve got a job to do and that job is getting Dakota to hear me out. “I came out here for a woman,” I tell him.
“No shit,” he laughs. “I should’ve guessed.”
“Yeah, and so far I haven’t had much luck. You see that building down there? That big penthouse?” I look down at the buildings and point.
“Yeah, I see it,” he shrugs. “Nice place. So what?”
“That’s where her and her husband live,” I tell him flat out.
“Shit! No way,” he leans against the metal bones of the skyscraper and nods to himself. “Well, good luck with that. It sounds pretty complicated.”
I continue my story. “I served in Afghanistan. 100 miles from the border of Pakistan. Navy SEAL,” I say. He stops working completely and salutes me. “It’s cool, man. I’d rather salute you for your hard work. Anyway, I met her before I deployed. Spent three months fighting for my life, thinking about her every damn day. I wrote her every single night too.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” he whispers to himself. “And she doesn’t want you back? Is she out of her damn mind?”
“I don’t know what the deal is, Dobbins. She ran away from me last night. I think her husband is abusive. She had a mark below her eye and she looked worn out,” I tell him. “She wasn’t the same girl I remember.”
“Well, if it was my choice, I might give up. But that’s how I operate. I don’t like to stay around and fight. You, though.... you’re different. You’re a fighter,” he says. “You’re a damn soldier. And what you gotta do is get her back.”
I look down at the penthouse. From this high above, I can see everything, including her shadow against the window. I feel my heart weigh heavy inside me, but it just gives me more strength and determination. He’s right. I have to get her back.
“That’s what I’m going to do. I’m not giving up until she really explains things to me,” I say. “I’m going to work hard, Dobbins. I’m going to save up my money from this job and I’m going to do something big for her. If it fails, it fails. But I have to try.”
“I’ll salute to that, pal,” he says.
The world is my fucking oyster. Dakota, I’m rescuing you. You’re my last chance at happiness.
132
Dakota
I don’t know what’s come over me. I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did last night, but it was such a shock to see him again. He’s aged a little too. He’s more handsome, more ripped than ever, and he’s come back for me.
Angela splashes her hands in her food and squeals with delight. “No, honey. We don’t play with our food,” I tell her.
“Sorry, Momma,” she smiles and closes her eyes real tight. I love her so much. She’s practically the only good thing in my life right now. When I look at her, however, I see him. I see Payton’s brooding eyes and his cute smile. She even has his cowlick.
But that’s the reason I ran away. I can’t let him know about his baby. I just can’t. It would ruin everything. Danny would go crazy on me. He’d beat me senseless. I don’t know what to do.
“I love you, sweetie,” I kiss Angela’s nose and rub her soft cheek. A flood of endorphins rushes through my body and, for a split second, I feel how I used to feel. I feel alive again. Then, I see Danny leave for work. He doesn’t even say goodbye. He just walks out the door. I feel the darkness start to creep back in and I breathe heavily, trying to figure out who I even am anymore. I’m a shell. I’m a distraught housewife who got coaxed into marrying a megalomaniac, lunatic, and asshole of a man.
I don’t want Payton knowing about Angela because I don’t want to see the sadness creep into his eyes. I don’t want to let him down. Because, deep down, Payton is a pure soul. He’s a hardworking man, a man I should have ended up with.
But I’m a mother now and I have to pay the bills to feed my baby somehow. I’m not sure if a veteran’s stipend is enough for Angela. She’s hard work. Like, extremely hard work.
Still, when Danny leaves, I find myself grabbing Angela and taking her for a walk around the city. I don’t stop around the neighborhood this time, like I usually do. Instead, I keep walking.
I have to be honest with myself. I want to see Payton again, even if nothing can happen between us. I want to ask him what he’s been up to, to comfort him about what he experienced overseas, but most of all, I just want to hear his deep voice again.
As I continue to walk, I have to admit, my mind starts to race. I think about how I used to feel, that feeling of being alive. I felt it earlier, but now I want to experience it, just for one full day of my life. Is that too much to ask?
The girl he knew was spontaneous and wild. He acted like he saw a completely different woman last night. I’m still the same, deep down. I still want to feel his hands trail slowly across my thigh. I still want to feel his warm tongue slide across my pussy. I still want him to make me moan louder than I ever have before. I haven’t felt any of that in ages, especially not with Danny.
After a few hours, I see him. I see him take off a yellow construction hat and wipe the sweat from his forehead. He smiles to another guy, shakes his hand, and walks across the street.
I follow him. It’s just an impulse I have. Angela has soft headphones on and she’s listening to her favorite movie soundtrack, Beauty and the Beast, and she’s just happy to be here, to be out of that house.
I follow him for blocks, until he reaches a narrow building. He looks up at it and unbuttons his shirt. It’s hot out and he waves his shirt to fan himself. His body glistening in true glory. I see he’s gained two big scars from the war, not to mention a whole extra set of muscles.
I feel myself start to get wet, thinking about him grabbing me and forcing me against the wall of the building. Quickly, I shake the thought out of my head and note the number of the building as he walks inside.
I stay there for a minute, deciding what to do. I’m afraid of Danny and how he might react if he comes home for lunch and sees that I’m gone. At the same time, I feel like I need to go up there. Still, I have my baby. His baby. Our baby.
I quickly call the babysitter. She lives two blocks away. If she’s free, I’ll drop her off for an hour. I’ll even pay her twice the normal amount. I’m willing to waste my allowance for this. Last night, I was stupid, anxious, and scared. Now, I’m feeling my courage start to come back.
“Hi, Sammy?” I say into the phone. “Hey, it’s Dakota. I have a favor to ask you…”
It takes some persuading, but she eventually decides it’s okay, for double the price. I don’t mind. To me, this is worth it. I have to know. Why did he come to find me? And better yet, why did he decide to rent out an apartment, here in the city?
I drop her off at Sammy’s place, practically falling to my knees in praises and thank yous, before running back to Payton’s place. My heart races and I feel a pressure building up inside of me. This is it. This is the moment of truth. Take it or leave it.
I take it, pushing the button that has his name next to it, listening for his voice. “Hello?” Payton asks, voice buzzing in the intercom.
I stutter, unable to get any words out. I’m a wreck. I feel like a young girl asking the guy out to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I’m so flustered. Eventually I say “It’s me,” and he buzzes me through immediately.
I walk up to the top floor, at least
nine stories up and he’s already standing in the hallway, shoulder against the doorway. “I can’t believe you came,” he says, unable to control his smile.
“I can’t believe I did either,” I tell him. We both don’t know how to act around each other. It’s been so long. Though, after staring at each other in silence for a minute or two, we rush toward each other. His arms wrap around me, his hands on my back, and I feel an overwhelming joy envelop me.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he says. “Shit, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be saying these things.”
“No.” I rest my cheek against his strong shoulder and whisper “I’ve missed you too. I—”
“Let’s go inside,” he says, pulling me in to his empty apartment.
We sit down on the only furniture he owns, his mattress. “I’m sorry for last night,” he says as I fall against his chest. It’s wrong. I’m married. I shouldn’t be touching him at all. But why does it feel so right?
“Don’t be sorry,” I tell him. “If anything, I’m sorry. It’s been a rough few years for me. I didn’t know how to respond.”
He lifts me up and turns my head to face him. He looks me dead in the eyes and runs his thumb under my left eye. I look away immediately, feeling embarrassed and sad. “Did he do this to you?” he asks, eyes lighting up with anger.
“Please, Payton,” I look down. “I don’t want to talk about Danny. I just wanted to see you.”
He stops himself from reacting further, although I can sense he wants to keep pressing the issue. “Me too,” he sighs. “I know it’s been a long time, Dakota. I’m sorry it took so long for me to—”
“Don’t you ever apologize to me,” I tell him. “I’m hard to find nowadays.”
“Did you get my letters?” he asks me. I don’t respond. I just breathe in his scent, that old cologne I’ve been waiting so long to smell again. It smells like perfection, aged wood and evergreen trees.
I look up at him again, lips quivering, body shaking. I don’t know how to react without getting overemotional about how good I feel sitting next to him like this. He has nothing and he came all this way to find me. There’s a half-empty suitcase shoved into the corner and I realize then just how hard he’s worked to get here.