“Woo!” shouted someone from the NAO section, but Jess missed who it was. The guests laughed, and Jessica figured now was a perfectly suitable time to wrap things up. “There’s still beer left, and I have more food in the back I’m about to go grab, so don’t be shy. Since I’m not technically open for business, I’m pretty sure we can stay and drink as late as we want tonight.” She glanced at Wendy for confirmation, but her PR rep just shrugged. “Okay. Well, uh, that’s it! Pigs in a blanket and donuts are next!”
She hurried back into the kitchen, feeling slightly lightheaded after all the attention, and as she slipped on the oven mitts, the kitchen door flapped behind her.
She turned and when she saw who it was, she took a quick step back, trying to assess the situation as her mind cataloged every possible exit route.
Joshua closed the space between them.
“What do you need?” she asked, trying to sound calm.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Does Judith know you’re back here? Why do you need to talk to me?”
He paused a few feet shy of her as she leaned with her back against the warm oven, mitts still on.
“I’ve been trying to find the perfect moment, to get you alone. I guess now I have it.” He puffed up his chest and nodded slightly, grinning. “It’s me,” he said. “Jessica, I did it. I asked for a promotion and I got it.”
Okay. So Joshua was insane. She was trapped in the kitchen with an insane person while everyone else had a blast outside. Would they be able to hear her scream over the music, or would all the people who cared about her find her murdered body after the fact, once Joshua had fled through the back door?
“I don’t know what you want from me, but someone could come back here at any moment, so don’t try anything.” She risked a glance at the countertop and while there was no knife readily available, she saw a metal spatula. It would have to do.
She grabbed it quickly and held it out in front of her, and when Joshua took a quick step forward, she launched it at him, smacking him uselessly on the forehead. “Ow! Jessica … Sheesh. Why are you being such a meanie?”
Something bristled in the back of her mind. “A … meanie?” Then the pieces of his odd behavior and what he’d said about a promotion came together to form an entirely different picture in her mind.
“Nooo. You’re not …”
… SURPRISE!
“Yes,” he said, nodding enthusiastically as he extended his arms outward. “It’s me. Jesus.”
She flopped back against the oven, groaning. “Oh for fuck’s sake. This is just my luck. Are you possessing that body, or what?”
“This old thing?” he glanced down at his front. “No, he was dead. I gave him new life. Or, more new life. Newer life?”
She curled a lip, staring at her half-brother while begrudging how hot he was. “You really shouldn’t refer to a human body as a ‘thing.’ Doesn’t make you super likable.”
“I’m not here to make friends, sister. I’m here to help you.”
“So Judith is just, what, a beard?” She’d looked up the term a week before, and while she didn’t appreciate Cash’s previous implication that she might be one for Chris, it seemed appropriate here … assuming it worked for this incredibly specific context.
He frowned guiltily. “She’s kind of a meanie. But I like it. I don’t know why.”
Jessica held up an oven-mitt-ed hand to stop him. “Okay. This is definitely something we don’t need to get into now or ever. Why don’t you just tell me what—”
Chris burst through the kitchen door and planted his feet, looking around, fists in front of him. His eyes darted back and forth between Jessica and the man he knew as Joshua.
“What is going on here?” he asked.
“At ease,” Jessica said, motioning for him to lower his fists.
“This doucheheap follows you back into the kitchen and I’m supposed to relax?”
“Hello, Christopher,” Jesus said, smiling calmly.
“Wha— How do you know my name?”
Jessica jumped in. “Well, you introduced yourself as Chris, and Christopher is usually the full version. But also, this is Jesus.”
Chris blinked slowly, opened his mouth, then shut it again and blinked a few more times. “Jesus, like …”
Jessica sighed heavily, wishing there were a faster way through this. “The guy who interrupts our dream sex.”
“Interrupted. Past tense,” Jesus added. “I followed your advice, pled my case, and now here I am.”
Chris wandered over to the ovens to stand next to Jessica, turning his attention toward Jesus. “So this is why Moses showed up the last time?”
“Moses?” Jesus said. “Moses came to you in a dream?”
“Yeah,” Jessica replied. “You didn’t know about that?”
Jesus shrugged. “Admittedly I’m a little out of the loop now that I’m down here in physical existence.”
SO NICE TO HAVE THE FAMILY ALL IN ONE PLACE.
“Ugh,” Jessica said, rolling her eyes. “Wait. Can you hear him in your head like I do?”
Jesus nodded. “Oh yes. Wait, can you hear me when I respond to Him?”
Jessica froze. “I don’t think so. Can you hear me?”
Jesus’s eyes were two large moons. “I don’t know. Say something to Him.”
Are you there, God?
OF COURSE. YOU THINK THE LORD WOULD MISS THIS TOUCHING REUNION?
“Could you hear that?” she asked her half-brother.
He shook his head.
“Oh thank … whoever.” The last thing she needed piled on top of this weirdness was some sort of telepathic connection with Jesus.
THE LORD ADMITS TO HAVING CREATED MANY WEIRD THINGS, LIKE QUASARS AND UVULAS, BUT A PSYCHIC CONNECTION BETWEEN BROTHER AND SISTER WOULD BE A BIT MUCH.
“Agreed,” said Jessica and Jesus.
ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE UNIQUELY UPSETTING THOUGHTS YOU EACH ENTERTAIN.
Please do not elaborate.
Chris rubbed his palms over his eyes then exhaled. “This is so weird. Let me wrap my head around this. Okay. So you are Jesus. And you’re dating Judith.”
“Judith!” Jessica said. She pointed at Jesus with a mitt. “You have to tell her who you really are.”
“Nuh-uh,” Jesus said. “I told you, she’s a meanie.”
“Dude! Seriously?” Chris hollered. “You’re scared of her? You apparently stood up to God and asked for a promotion. You’ve been whipped and crucified and stabbed, right? What’s she going to do that’s worse than that?”
Jesus cringed. “Break up with me?”
Chris’s hard stare melted, and his shoulders softened. “Oh, yeah. That does suck.”
Jessica didn’t have time for this. “Chris, you make sure he doesn’t leave, and I’m calling Judith in here to have a little conversation.”
Chris leaned close, whispering. “What do I do if he makes a run for it?”
“Uh, you stop him.”
“But he’s Jesus.”
“Yeah, and I’m his sister. Make a decision, Chris.” She forcefully handed the mitts to her boyfriend and then grabbed Judith from the front of house with no further explanation than, “I think there’s something you should know.”
When they entered the kitchen, Chris and Jesus were engaged in a struggle as Jesus tried to push his way to the back door.
“Oh wow. Is this a gay thing?” Judith answered. “Because I am a little turned on, and I didn’t even think I was into this.”
Jesus stopped struggling and turned to face her. “Judith.”
“That’s my name.”
“Yes. I know. And my name—my actual name—is Jesus.” He straightened himself up, raising his chin in a dignified manner.
“I don’t get it,” Judith said, folding her arms over her chest. “That seems like something someone might say ironically, but the tone is all wrong.”
“It’s Jesus,” Jessica said. “As in Jesus Christ.”
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Judith glanced at her friend, a wrinkle of concern above the bridge of her nose. “No, it’s not. Jesus was not blond, despite how desperately the West wants him to be.”
“I wasn’t blond originally, but I figured I should inhabit a body to which my sister could easily relate, so I studied the men in whom she maintains the most intense physical interest and found the closest available amalgamation.”
“Wait,” Chris said. “Is that why you look like me?”
“Indeed. You and Jame—”
“I think we’re getting off topic here,” Jessica said curtly. “The point is that the person you thought was Joshua is actually Jesus.”
Judith rubbed her arm thoughtfully. “I guess that makes sense.” She turned to Jesus and grimaced guiltily. “Sorry I was so persistent about the handsy.”
“I forgive you,” Jesus said.
Judith shivered. “Oh … hot damn. You”—she waggled a finger at him—“you shouldn’t do that if you’re not going to put out.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Jesus said, “but I would like to continue our courtship if you’re so inclined.”
Judith chuckled. “Uh, no. I’m not so inclined.” She glanced toward Jessica and pointed over her shoulder back toward the party. “I’m going to go see if that old teacher of yours is down to bang.”
“Mr. Foster?!” Chris spat.
Jessica nodded. “I fully support that.”
“Bye, Jesus,” she said. “Sorry about the harassment, I guess. But also, you should have picked a much less attractive person to wear, so that’s kind of on you.” Judith turned and strolled out of the kitchen.
Jesus watched her go, and Jessica almost felt sorry for the guy. “You okay?”
“Yes. I’ve never been romantically rejected before.”
Jessica walked over and patted him on the back. “Well, that’s what happens when you lie. Now if you don’t have anything else pressing, I’m going to bring out food before everyone gets too sloppy drunk. If you want to make yourself useful, you can grab a tray.”
He nodded, still clearly dejected, and the three of them carried the next round of food out into the party.
At Jessica’s suggestion, Jesus went to play wingman for Jameson over at the NAO table, leaving Chris and Jessica a moment to themselves.
But only a moment.
Dr. Bell came charging in, much less reserved than her normal sober self. “This is wild, Jessica. Wild! I’ve never been around so many angels at once!”
“Yeah, I guess it is quite a few,” Chris said, staring amusedly at the professor.
Dr. Bell leaned in mischievously. “How many do you think actually know they’re angels?”
“No idea,” Chris said.
“There are a couple that baffle me, though,” Dr. Bell continued. “Chris, maybe you can back me up on this. There are a couple auras that don’t seem like the usual ones.”
Miranda appeared suddenly. “Jessica, I think we’re almost out of booze. Quentin and I might head over to the liquor store and get some more. Any preferences?”
“You know I have zero preferences when it comes to alcohol.”
“You’re just a doll,” Dr. Bell said, flopping a hand on Miranda’s shoulder. “Jessica is so lucky to have a friend like you.”
Looking to Jessica for support, Miranda cringed sympathetically. “Does she have a ride home?”
“We’ll find her one,” Jessica assured.
“I was just remarking,” Dr. Bell continued, grabbing Miranda’s shoulder firmly this time, “about all the strange auras we have here, and maybe you can give me your opinion, since you’re basically up to your neck in angels all the time, hanging out with this one.” She hitched a thumb at Jessica.
“Up to my neck in … I mean, I know you’re an angel,” Miranda said. Then she pointed to Chris. “And you’re an angel.”
“You do?” Chris said jerking back. Then he shot Jessica an accusatory glare. “You’re outing me now?”
“No, I’m not. I just figured you wouldn’t care if Miranda knew.”
“Nuh-uh!” Dr. Bell said, swaying slightly. “You shouldn’t out other angels. Or lesbians. That’s a big no-no, apparently. But honestly, how was I supposed to know Frida hadn’t told her parents?”
“Who’s Frida?” Miranda asked.
Jess frowned sympathetically at Dr. Bell. “Did you and Frida break up?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Yesterday.”
Okay, that made sense. Dr. Bell didn’t strike Jessica as the type to get hammered at a small party under normal circumstances.
Chris seemed to follow along, too, and ran to grab a tall chair, bringing it over for Bell. The professor complied, tipping back onto it.
“Like I was saying,” she continued, “the auras are weird on a couple. Not just powerful, but kinda colored strange.” She addressed Miranda didactically. “Okay, Aura 101. Class is in session. I never get to teach humans about this, but since you know about all this heaven and hell and whatever shit, I get to teach you. Isn’t this fun? This is so fun. Now, normally, auras sort of just swirl, and they can have different colors, usually you have to squint to make out any definite color or substance to them. But then you got that guy”—she pointed at Jesus—“and he walks in here and it’s like bam! Just aura in your face, but it’s also kinda clearer than most, like the surface of a glacier lake. Kinda like Jessica’s, actually. Right, Chris?”
Chris shrugged amicably, but Jessica had a feeling she should nip this conversation in the bud. While Dr. Bell was the one who’d taught Jessica not to out angels, the woman was also not entirely herself at the moment.
“How about some water?” Jessica said. “I think water would be a good idea.” She looked meaningfully at Chris who nodded his agreement but didn’t take the hint that he’d just been assigned a task.
“That teacher of yours, Jessica. Boy has she got a strong aura, sorta cloudy, too. I’ve been watching it closely, and it’s like some of that cloudiness can pass on into other angels’ auras.”
“Right?” Chris shouted. “It’s nuts.”
SURPRISE!
“Wait, Mrs. Thomas is an angel?” Jessica asked, forgetting all about the water.
“I guess that makes sense,” Miranda said.
Jessica had suspected as much herself since she first learned about angels, and it was nice to have a little confirmation. She turned to Chris. “How did you never mention this to me? You’ve seen her aura this whole time?”
He lurched back defensively, hands up. “I saw it when we were in Mooretown, but I didn’t even understand any of this stuff until a little over a year ago. What, am I just supposed to drop everything and catalog every angel I’ve ever met and then out them to you, one by one?”
Jessica knew Chris was trying to be absurd, but often in her strange life, the absurd proposal was also the most desirable one. “Uh, yes. That would have been mega helpful, Chris. I mean, if I’d known she was an angel, I wouldn’t have worried so much about taking the money from her.”
“Wait,” Bell said, shutting her eyes and waving her hands vaguely. “She’s the one who cut you that check?”
“Yeah, but like you said, she’s an angel, so it’s fine.”
Dr. Bell hiccuped. “Well, I don’t know that you should blindly trust all angels, after all—” She hiccuped again.
“Slow down,” Miranda said, “only angels have auras?”
Dr. Bell nodded dramatically. “Well, and Jessica.”
“And Jesus, apparently,” Jess added.
Miranda squinted at her. “Did you just say Jesus?”
“Oh, yeah, um.” She glanced at Dr. Bell. “I’ll explain later.”
Dr. Bell continued with her lecture. “Now, Chris here has an all-American aura. It’s unusually bright, but about as run of the mill as they come in all other respects.”
“Thank you,” Chris said, puffing out his chest.
Bell turned
to Miranda. “Same with yours.”
Miranda’s jaw fell open. “Mine?”
“Hers?” Jess said.
“Yeah, hers?” Chris echoed. “I don’t see one on her.”
“No, no, no.” Dr. Bell sliced the air with her hands. “Not her. Hers. Like, her boyfriend. That is your boyfriend over there, right?”
Before Jessica could shout, “You’re mistaken, Dr. Bell. Miranda’s dating Quentin. The black guy. And he’s not an angel. Let’s go get another beer!” Miranda turned slowly toward the rest of the room. “Wait, who do you think is my boyfriend?”
Chris jumped in front of Dr. Bell, shielding her from the rest of the room. “Ha! You think Jeremy is her boyfriend. No, no. Not at all. That’s just Jessica’s neighbor. Let’s get you some water.”
“Jeremy’s an angel?” Jessica said, suddenly distracted.
NOT MUCH OF A SURPRISE!
“Duh,” Chris said. “I don’t think he knows it, though.”
“That would make sense,” Dr. Bell said, nodding. “I overheard him saying some pretty batty things to Mrs. Flores. His long-term denial might’ve left him a little addled.” She jabbed at her head with her index finger.
“Nuh-uh!” Miranda demanded. “She wasn’t looking anywhere near Jeremy. She was looking straight at Quentin.” She leaned forward, bringing her face close to Dr. Bell’s. “You mean the black one, right?”
“I don’t know that we have to bring race into this,” Chris said loudly, trying to maneuver Dr. Bell around Miranda. But she was too quick on her feet.
Goddamn athletes.
“Yeah, the one you walked in with,” Dr. Bell said, her brows crinkling together. “That’s your boyfriend, right?”
“Ha!” Miranda stood up straight. “I knew it!” She pointed back and forth between Chris and Jessica. “You two hid it from me. You knew and you hid it from me.” She homed in on Jessica. “I even asked you flat out if you would tell me if it might affect my life.” Her eyes narrowed and she scoffed, pointing accusingly at Jessica. “You lied straight to my face. I asked one thing—” She balled her hand into a fist and pressed her lips together in a thin white line, staring up at the ceiling and grunting.
Dr. Bell gasped belatedly. “Wait, you didn’t know? I outed an angel?”
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