by K A Sands
“I didn’t know. I swear it, Ayden.” Leaning his forehead on mine, he closed his eyes and started talking, taking the five minutes I’d promised him. “You must know, that’s not me, not who I am. I had no idea you were...you, until yesterday. Until your dad said. A year ago, I’d never met any of you.” Moving his head back, he twirled a strand of my hair between his fingers. “I had a picture of your dad and a name, but that was it. I was in no way inclined to dig any deeper, I didn’t wanna know. I can’t explain the screwing part to you. It was just a thing, she was just there.”
I settled back, genuinely wanting to hear what he had to say, minus the sinful details of his torrid affair with my mother. The sins were not insurmountable, not by any means, but he deserved to be listened to, at least.
“The guys were egging me on cos she was all over me. I went with it and she kept coming back. I let her.” He bowed his head as if ashamed. As mad as I had been earlier, letting him speak was easy. Maybe we could figure it out, what it meant for me and him.
“It was about the fourth time I saw her, in the car, she handed me an envelope and asked for a favour. A paid favour.” He laughed and shook his head, his soft hair falling across my cheek. “Funny thing is, she could have asked me any favour in the world and the answer would still have been the same. No. I had every intention of telling her to get lost that night anyway. She just made it easier for me. I saw her once more, a couple of weeks later when she collared me outside a club. I threatened her to stay away when she tried to hand me another envelope. I wasn’t so nice that time.”
“What was in the envelope, besides the cash?” I knew, but I wanted to hear it again, as if to solidify what my mother had done.
“An address, money and a photograph.” No matter how hard I tried to process it, hearing again the shallow endeavours of my mother, still came as a shock. He leaned down and kissed me gently. “I am so very sorry.”
My anger was sorely misplaced, I knew this yet was still stumped on how to handle it, how to go forward with Shaun, if I could. This would always be between us, would it come between us, I didn’t know. The small mercy I was granted was the fact my mother meant nothing to Shaun, he hadn’t loved her, only used her.
My head fucking hurt.
The affections growing between us made this ugly and uncomfortable; complicated when really it should have been easy to walk away. I’d already felt out of depth with a man like Shaun, but now I questioned if I’d ever really fit. I tried to think of my life without him in it and the stark truth was, I couldn’t. There was no walking away.
One thing was for sure - any tenuous link I’d had with my mother was gone. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, no one had, and I knew if I never saw her again it would suit me fine.
Overwhelmed with sorrow, a tear escaped. One single drop of salty fluid seeped from me along with the last remaining flicker of love I’d held for a mother who did not care. She’d get no more. There was no hiding it from Shaun, I would always have something with him, whether we parted ways now or later. I’d only be damaging myself calling quits over something my mother orchestrated. I wasn’t prepared to do that.
Shaun
Ayden’s head was running a million miles an hour and as much as I wanted to not think about it, I understood all too well what was at stake and doing this here and now could well save us. It was not for sweeping under the carpet or keeping for another day. Now or never, or there was no coming back from it.
I thought I’d sensed a softness in him a moment ago, could normally read him well enough, but he was giving nothing away. He hadn’t made a sound when he was punishing me with his cock down my throat. Ayden was vocal, yet he’d refused to give me his pleasure. So, I took it. I fucking took it, hoping it would make him feel better. A part of me loved the control he commanded; I’d let him have it. He’d surprised me, I wasn’t expecting what he dished out but hell if I was gonna refuse, no fucking way. Maybe it was something we both needed?
Now, I could only answer his questions and tell him the truth, hoping he could find some way to live with what I’d done and still want me in his life. I had never regretted anything as much as I regretted Stella fucking Rinaldi, even before I had known she was Ayden’s mother.
True that, six degrees of separation. Take notes folk cos I sure as hell was. If I could wipe that bit of history from my slate it would be gone yesterday, it only had the power to destroy my tomorrow. Our tomorrow.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how he was feeling but was more than aware how I was. I had to fix this but wasn’t sure how. All I knew was that I wanted to be with him and him not being in my life was not an option. I was sure of it the first moment I’d laid eyes on him and truly looked. He made me feel like I could rule the world, like my life was worth living and had some purpose past my sister. I loved her, but it got lonely and I was ashamed to say she wasn’t enough. I’m sure she felt that way too. Whatever Ayden needed from me he would get, because I wasn’t ready to let him walk out of my life without one hell of a fight. There was something between us, something that could be truly beautiful given half the chance and I wasn’t stupid enough to ignore it. He was sorely mistaken if he thought I was gonna slink back off into the dark, I was in for the long haul and I intended on sticking around.
“I need to talk to my dad.” He bucked his hips indicating he wanted me to get off him. I didn’t move, instead pinned him down harder, reaching for his hands to stretch them above his head. My dick that had been softening decided to wake up again and I ground my hips into him roughly.
“Can we just stay here a moment?” I asked, hoping he conceded. He was calm enough, but I still sensed that spark of anger he’d buried and I wanted it gone before we left this bed. Before he punched me in the face again.
He sighed loudly, closing his eyes. “What do you want, Shaun?”
“You.” I leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Just you, only you, always you.”
His body shuddered beneath mine and I watched as goose bumps travelled up the undersides of his arms. I smiled into his neck and relished the way he moulded into me. His fingers clasped mine tighter, a small victory.
“What if I can’t do this?”
“What if you can?” I turned it back on him.
“I don’t know how to feel. About you,” he whispered. I kissed his neck gently and nibbled at his ear lobe, contemplating my words.
“We have something here. Something I’m not willing to walk from. I don’t think you want to either. Yes, it’s scary and confusing as fuck but I wanna see where this goes, see where it takes us. This isn’t nothing.”
Letting go of his hands, I raised myself above him on my elbows, so I could look at him properly. He took my breath away every single time. His chocolate brown eyes bored into me, searching for my truth. It was there, and I hoped he could see it. Running my hand down his ribs and across to his hip, I held on to him as I dropped my head again.
“I’m fucking falling for you, Ayden...and I don’t want to stop.”
Right there was my honesty. I could love this man with all my heart and not feel sorry for doing so. I hadn’t meant to say it, but I couldn’t stop myself. He needed to know how far in I was with him and he needed to admit it too. I could tell he felt the same, and I wasn’t going to let myself think he didn’t.
Ayden said nothing back and my heart cracked a little, but it was okay, there was time yet, if only he’d let it be. He didn’t move his hands from above his head, just continued searching for something. I wondered what he was looking for. How he saw me...
There was a soft knock on the door and it opened inward slowly, a throat cleared, and I suspected it was Ayden’s dad. Untangling myself from Ayden’s body, I flopped down onto my back beside him, my hand over my boner, pulling the tangled sheet up to cover us both. How fucking embarrassing, I chuckled to myself. I should have kept my clothes on when I climbed up the bed. I was in someone else’s house after all.
“You boys o
kay?” Lucca asked. I looked up to see him standing at the foot of the bed. He reached out and took a hold of Ayden’s foot underneath the covers, “Ayden?”
“Yeah, dad. Fine.” Moving his arm across his eyes again, I heard the terse emotion in his voice and a pang of hurt hit me square in the chest. Desperate to touch him, comfort him, I held back, it wasn’t what he needed from me right then. Instead. I knocked my knee against his under the covers.
“I should go.” I sat up, the sheet pooling in my lap. Feeling Ayden’s warm palm rub across the bottom of my back, I sucked in a breath at his tender touch. It stilled me, caught me off guard...warmed me.
“Stay.” His voice was low and gravelly and reached down into my stomach.
Hope whispered.
Lucca moved around the bed, his head tilting down to the floor as his nose scrunched, taking in the towel covered puke no doubt. He said nothing, just sat next to Ayden, running his fingers through his son’s hair. This man loved his boy unconditionally, there was no doubt about it.
“You need to sort some things out. When you’re ready, call me, okay?” I hesitated, I didn’t want to go but it was the right thing to do, as much as I’d rather remain tucked up in bed with him. He had to sift through his feelings without the distraction of me.
“Please stay.”
Moving into a sitting position at the side of the bed, I fixed my feet on the floor, my back to Ayden and Lucca, trying to figure out how to get up and keep my dignity at the same time. Ayden’s hand ran up and down my back in a soothing motion, as if to assure me that we weren’t quite over yet. I gathered my confidence and turned around, leaning down to kiss him gently before taking the plunge and standing up. What was modesty anyway?
“I’m not looking.” Lucca laughed right along with Ayden.
I grinned at them both, cupping my junk and asking Lucca for my clothes that were lying discarded at the side of the bed by his feet. He threw them over to me then casually tipped his head. “I’ll be seeing you again, I think we have a lot to discuss, don’t you?”
He wasn’t wrong there. I hurried to dress and when I was done I gave a small smile to Ayden as I made my way across the room, leaving behind the man I had fallen in love with, one I so hoped I could have a future with.
“Shaun,” Lucca called behind me, “the coffee is warm, you’ll find Laura in the kitchen.”
Ayden
“Don’t make Laura clean up this shit, all right?” My dad tugged at a strand of my hair. “You have a hangover?”
Humming my agreement, I kept my eyes closed. I was a grown man but when my dad gave his time this way, coddling me, I was a little kid again and I revelled in his attention. It had never been lacking, I was loved completely, without a shadow of a doubt, my father never let me forget it. Not a single day. We stayed that way for a while, him stroking his fingers through my hair, me comforted by his touch.
“You know what’s going on with Shaun?” It wasn’t a question he was asking out of curiosity.
I shook my head because I didn’t, not really. He had his hands in dodgy stuff, didn’t take a genius to work it out. I wasn’t sure of the details, nor did I want to know. He carried a weapon, I’d seen it, made assumptions he was gang affiliated since he’d never admitted if he was or not, all I knew is he wanted out of whatever life he was in. Shaun was desperate to cut ties, the ins and outs, not my business. I was inclined to tell my dad I didn’t care, but it would have been a bare faced lie, so I kept my mouth shut.
My dad asked another question, confirming it was grill Ayden day. “You know what you’re doing here?”
Shaking my head again, I chanced a look at him finally. What I felt for Shaun went further than the end of my bed. I understood my dad’s concern, it’s what parents did, but I wanted his approval, didn’t want to tell him any half-truths.
“I’m in deep, dad. I think he is too. But I’m struggling. It just seems the world and his dog are against us.”
Removing his hand from my hair, he sat up straighter. “I got that, son. From both of you. He isn’t your average guy, and I’m sure you know that. I just need you to understand what you’re doing getting involved with him.”
I thought I did, hoped I did.
“Your uncle and I are helping him. He went to Ryder last week, didn’t know where else to go, who to trust. I think Sophie getting pregnant was the catalyst for him. It took us a while to put two and two together.”
It surprised me Shaun had sought out my uncle, considering the type of guy I knew him to be. Fiercely proud.
“You can’t hold his past against him. Look at how that works, doesn’t end so well, a sorry mess is all you’ll end up with.”
He was talking about my mother, his wife. Was that what she’d done my whole life? Punished him for something in his past? It didn’t make sense because they had met so young, what could he have possibly have done that was so terrible my mother had been the way she was? I shook the implausible thought away, I knew my dad well enough to know his words and their meanings. And he was right. We all had a past, just because I had nothing in mine worth talking on, didn’t mean everyone else was the same.
“Yeah...”
“So, we’re going to help him,” he paused, looking around the room, his posture appearing tight. “This is personal for Ryder. Shaun’s boss, Charlie, is your uncle’s estranged father. I promised Ryder I’d be honest with you, so I am. He left his father’s clutches when he was eleven years old. Your grandfather almost killed Charlie for the way he treated his son. He took Ryder and threatened to end Charlie’s life if he came near again. Your grandfather had the means to do so, too.”
I finally understood the relationship my dad and Ryder had, they were brothers that shared no blood, though brothers all the same. I envied their relationship but could feel that deep bond pulling between myself and Jake. We were like my dad and my uncle, but meagre fledglings in comparison.
“Charlie will fight back if we get Shaun out, you need to be aware, be vigilant. We’ll do what we can, hide him if we need to. But he’s absolutely committed to walking away.”
Smiling at my dad, I knew what he was telling me. Every time Shaun talked about getting out of his current situation I could hear the truth in his words, in his conviction.
“You don’t talk about him much.”
My dad’s face scrunched in confusion. “Who?”
“My grandfather.” I didn’t remember him, but I knew what he looked like. I’d caught my grandmother gazing at old photographs a time or two when she was alive.
“No,” he said sadly, “he wasn’t a good man, despite what he did for Ryder. I have strived most of my life to not be like him, make sure you aren’t either.”
Nobody talked of my grandfather, not even my grandmother, no one sung his praises, and I often forgot he had ever been alive at all so scant was the mention of him.
“Nonna missed him.” I used the old name she sometimes referred to herself as.
“That she did.”
“I know I was young when she died but I still miss her.”
“So do I, son. So do I.” He swiped at an eye quickly then clapped a hand on my chest. “This thing with Shaun and your mum?” he looked at me then, “leave it in the past. Let him apologise then move on. Life is too short, Ayden.” My dad talked the most sense of anyone I knew. Every day I thanked my lucky stars I had a dad like him and we shared a good relationship. He was something rare. “Okay...” he sighed, “get up, clean this mess then come down for some breakfast.”
He stood from the bed, eyeing the towel on the floor again. “You hit him, and you need to apologise too, for lifting your hand. I didn’t raise you that way, son. I get you were angry and hurt but it’s no excuse. Understand?”
Friend had turned into authority figure. I appreciated where he was coming from. I had been a hundred percent out of line punching Shaun. “I will, dad,” I promised.
I sat up and scrubbed my hands down my tired face, the ache in m
y head still ever present.
“Good. There’s very little that’s unforgiveable. Don’t punish him for the wrong things. He’s a good man, with a rough past, who wants to do the right thing. If you can’t let him move on from his mistakes, then you need to walk away. Make your mind up and stick with it. I think Shaun has a long way to go, but with you by his side he might just manage it quicker.”
“Thanks, dad.”
He left the room, nothing more to be said. I climbed from the bed, hitching my boxer briefs up and glaring at the mess surrounding me. Spending the next twenty minutes, I cleaned the destruction I’d saw fit to produce the night before. Throwing the curtains open I felt invigorated from the fifteen-minute shower I’d stepped under, my headache dulling with the help of some ibuprofen and a pint of water.
By the time I made it into the kitchen, I felt a heap better than an hour earlier, my head clearer, and I wanted to see Shaun. When I clapped eyes on him, my breath faltered. He stood with Laura, back to the door, his movements fluid as he helped my step mum clear up morning dishes. I watched his hands still, his body stiffen, when he sensed my presence. Turning slowly, the sorrow in his eyes cut me to the quick. I rushed to where he stood, hauling him against me, my fingers tipping his chin upwards, so I could confront the damage I’d done through my anger.
“I’m sorry I hit you,” I breathed centimetres from his lips. “I’m so sorry. I won’t ever lift my hand to you again. I swear.” I felt like bawling my eyes out like a little girl when I studied the purpled bruise that had formed around the cut on his lower lip.
Shaun kissed me, planted his mouth against mine and then drew away just as quick. “I deserved it.”
“No. Never from my hands, Shaun.”
He stared intently, and everything else faded except the man before me with his head bowed, the intensity charging between us. Clearing his throat and straightening up, he looked at me again. “Fancy taking me for a walk?”
The grin made my face ache. That I could do, no problem. He’d love Beaufort, I was sure of it.