by K A Sands
The growl on the other end as I picked up sent a shiver down my spine, and not a pleasant one. “Shaun?” Yeah, this wasn’t gonna be good, I may just have signed my death warrant.
“Lucca,” I answered, shutting my eyes and waiting for it.
“Fucking warned you.” Another low growl assaulted my ears; intimidating as fuck, making me cringe. “What the fuck am I looking at?” he shouted. And there it was; my demise in all its gory details.
“I dunno, Lucca,” I answered honestly. “I can’t remember.” What could I say to him?
“I fucking told you...” he paused, and I heard the menace in his voice loud and clear when he spoke again. “If you hurt my boy or brought your shit to his door then I would goddamned deal with you!” He was shouting, and I could honestly say I didn’t blame him, I’d be doing more if I was him.
Sinking to the floor in defeat, the fear was very real? Why would it not be? I knew who Lucca Rinaldi was now and he wasn’t a man to be fucked with, but it wasn’t that which I feared. No, it was losing the man I absolutely worshipped and right then it was a very distinct possibility.
“Let me fix this, please.” I pleaded. Shit, I’d beg to the ends of the earth if it meant I still had Ayden.
“You do that, Shaun, you fucking do that!” he bellowed, then hung up.
Fuck...
Ayden
I sat on the front porch swing waiting for the crunch of tyres on gravel. It didn’t take long, before I knew it he was there. My heart lurched painfully. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face as he climbed from Ryder’s truck. His purposeful gait as he walked to me, full of business and determination, felt like a punch in the gut and I wasn’t for taking anymore.
“Stop!” I stood up from the swing and shouted again.
He did. Standing perfectly still, he looked me straight in the eye when I finally raised my head, pulled up from the swing and thudded down the porch steps. Five feet away from me, I sneered at the shell of the man I loved. Bloodshot eyes, hard lines and set lips greeted my stare. I got the first glimpse of a man he had never wanted me to see. The murderous glare was not for me, would never be for me. I didn’t feel the threat. All I felt was an unbearable wretchedness I thought might linger forever.
We stood for what felt like an eternity, contemplating one another. I guess I wanted to have my fill, so I unashamedly took it, committed it to memory, knowing I’d never see anything more beautiful yet tragic in all my life. Losing him pinched at me hard - sore realisation - nothing in comparison to what was about to come.
“How could you?” I gritted out, watching as Shaun’s whole body deflated and his shoulders slumped. “With her, of all people.”
“Don’t let them win, baby,” he said with purpose, never losing eye contact with me, his words making me furious. There was no denial, only a confirmation that a game was indeed being played and I was the bait to catch the fish.
He was the prize.
“Huh? That’s all you’ve got?” I glared at him incredulously. “Look at me!” I bellowed as his head dipped. “Give me that decency at least, Gripp.” His eyes snapped back to mine and I caught a lingering glimpse of determination cross his face. It was gone quicker than I’d caught it. “We’re through, baby,” I said to him in the sweetest voice I could find, knowing exactly how much it would cut him. Drawing myself up taller, I hoped he would hear the condemnation in my words even if I wasn’t feeling them. He took a step closer and I put my hand up in front of me. “Not another step, you need to leave. I don’t want to see you anymore. We’re done.”
“Ayden....”
I closed my eyes to the pleading tone of his voice, letting its cadence wash over me. Everything hurt too much, but I wanted an answer. “Is it true?”
He looked away, lifting his head to whoever was standing at the door. Then his eyes swung back to me and he whispered, “yes.”
One word, and the magnitude of what I’d lost hit me square in the chest. A single tear tumbled down my cheek, it’s taste bitter when it reached the corner of my mouth. Staring at him, I took in the sorry sight before me. His black wool coat was buttoned to his neck, and day-old jeans hung from his frame. Gaunt features and red eyes implored me to listen.
He was as broken as I.
Far too soon a second tear followed.... then another, and another. I watched as he fell in front of me, resignation sinking in like his knees sank into the gravel. He let out a sob that pierced my very soul.
There was no turning back, no remedy for us.
Closing the distance, I crouched and met him at eye level, my mouth close to his ear. “I love you,” I said, because it was the truth, and if he didn’t know before, then he needed to know now. Reaching out, I laid my palm against his cheek, and as he leaned into my hand, he closed his eyes. “Know I love you,” I said again.
I stood. Walked away.
Left him behind.
Left my love behind, my heart scattering on the wind like the leaves in autumn as they fell to their certain death, then withered and decayed. A second thought as they were crushed under heavy boots and cold frosts.
Shaun
His words cut deep as he stood before me. Even in turmoil my man was the most magnificent thing I had seen in my life. Somehow, he’d become more breath-taking while stealing my heart away. Just like every single other day since I’d met him.
This time was different. Not only did he steal my heart, he took it with him. What good would the wounded muscle do me anyway? He was the only one to have held it, make it beat the way it did. I’d crushed his, it was only fitting he took mine. I had no need for it, nor did I want it.
I deserved this. All the ugly he was throwing at me was of my own making and I had no inkling how to set it right. An apology would be an insult to him, so I didn’t even try. To argue my case was hopeless.
By leaving me on the cold ground, he would never need to look over his shoulder again, he could live a life without my piteous one chasing him. I’d underestimated how far in I was, the depth of my longing and feelings for the man. This would be my biggest regret, my biggest mistake. Not seeing exactly who we were to each other. Not understanding he loved me too.
Not being more careful with his heart.
He crouched before me and I glanced up at him through tear blurred eyes, unable to fully look for fear of him seeing right through me. But I desperately wanted to etch his face into my memory for it may be the last I’d ever see.
The cry came loud from my throat on that singular thought. With the strength I had left, I looked, really looked. His eyes were filled with so much grief and despair, I imagined they mirrored my own. I didn’t say a word, simply stared into the eyes of the man I would have died for, given half the chance.
“I love you,” he whispered into my ear, a hand clasping my cheek. “Know I love you.”
My eyes fluttered closed, and I leaned into his palm, absorbing every last ounce of what he so unselfishly gave, committing it to memory, knowing this moment would carry me through many dark times sure to follow. I didn’t return the words I was dying to say, the words I wanted him to hear, the words I felt to the very bones of me.
Then he was gone, snatched, and I watched him walk away. I didn’t know the heart could hurt so painfully. With Ayden, I had felt it all, I could have had it all. And now it was gone, laying at my feet; splintered, broken...irreparable.
I saw it. Written in the lines of his face pinched with agony.
I heard it. Spoken in the words full of hurt that spilled from his mouth.
I felt it. Cutting into my very soul as my heart ached.
I tasted it. In the tears that fell to my lips as I watched his feet move away from me.
On my knees, the gravel cut into my flesh, a sore I ignored. It was no pain compared to the agony that wrenched through my chest. My head pounded with the dizzy realisation this was it.
This was how I lost my heart, lost myself.
How fitting I was on my knee
s.
Ayden
I’d left Shaun kneeling in the gravel of my dad’s driveway and sped back to Brighton. The roads had been quiet, the hour of the day long. Texting my father when I’d arrived at the Loft, he’d said he understood and Shaun would be with my uncle for the time being. Sophie and Jake wanted to come back to the flat, citing some silly excuse of Sophie wanting to collect things from her brother’s flat finally.
My solace was shattered with the bang of the front door. Turning my head to the wall, I buried myself under the duvet and sank back into a semi slumber, unable to bring myself to get up and say hello. Both left me in relative peace, besides the occasional background noise they made through the Loft.
Shadows stretched thin across the gloomy room when I finally decided I’d wallowed enough for the time being. Getting up from the bed, I tugged on a pair of sweats and rummaged around the drawers for a half decent t-shirt. I didn’t care what I looked like, but clothes were a must what with other people around.
Sophie and Jake were both couch bound, sitting watching some movie that played across the screen on the wall. The lights of Brighton twinkled through the expanse of windows and I realised I’d spent much of the day and half the night sleeping.
Jake coughed, and my gaze swung to him. “We’re going to order pizza. Want some?” His smile was gentle, considerate and warmed me from the inside out.
“Yeah...”
Sophie shifted over on the couch, away from Jake and made space between them. Patting at the middle cushion, she hitched her head to the side. “Come sit down, watch this movie.”
With monotone steps, I trudged over to her and flopped down, exhaustion weighing on me. She cuddled in close, hooking her arm across my stomach and laying her head on my shoulder. Jake mimicked her position, so I felt like the meat in someone’s sandwich - squashed between them. I couldn’t say it didn’t feel good because it damned well did. I relaxed back and rested my head against the cushion. I didn’t care what they were watching, sitting there with them both was more than enough.
“We’re gonna go back down to your dad’s tomorrow. He wants you home.”
He’d want to make sure I was okay. I was good with that, more than good. “I’ll drive back down. Who brought you up?” Jake and I had always shared my car and Sophie didn’t have one, so it had either been my dad or my uncle.
“Lucca wanted to see for himself you were okay. We followed him up in Laura’s car.”
I appreciated he hadn’t woken me, but he was right, I had to go back to Beaufort. Laura would be worrying too.
“Jake’s going to take me to get the rest of my stuff. It’s not much, some dance things I left behind and some old clothes. Shaun is with Ryder; your dad doesn’t want him at the house when you come home.”
My dad probably wanted to strangle him, I felt not one iota of sympathy. We lounged about, ate pizza when it arrived then went our separate ways a couple of hours later, Sophie too tired to keep her eyes open any longer. Jake had carried her down to her room and set her in bed. The soft knock on my door a few minutes later was surprising.
Jake peeked his head around the door frame and asked if he could come in, his voice almost a whisper so as not to wake up Sophie. He’d changed into his pyjama pants but had no t-shirt on and my eyes wandered across his bare torso unashamedly. Although I harboured no sexual feelings toward my best friend anymore, I still marvelled at his chiselled physique, I was human after all.
Standing awkwardly at the end of the bed, Jake shuffled from foot to foot.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing...” he looked around the room then back at me. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I smiled at him, conveying how much his concern meant to me. “I will be, I promise.”
“You want some company?” His words were shy and not at all full of his usual confidence. I was taken aback at the offer, thinking we were past all the things we’d done with one another. I panicked he was making a pass at me, but his bark of laughter ensured I got the message he wasn’t. “Not like that.”
“Yeah...no, that would be such a bad idea.” I grinned at him.
Climbing up the bed, Jake nudged me to move over, and while he didn’t get under the covers, he did make himself comfortable on top. He laid on his side, his hand holding his head up as he looked over at me. I turned and did the same, so we were face to face. He wanted to talk, the subject yet to be divulged, but obvious.
“I’m going to fall for her, you know?” he sighed, a dreamy sound that confirmed his statement. Sophie was our topic of conversation, not Shaun, thankfully. I wasn’t ready for that one just yet.
“And that would be a terrible thing, why?”
“It wouldn’t, not really.”
But he had doubts, and rightfully so. We were all so young, barely treading the waters of adulthood and there he was, going to be a father soon. I understood his apprehension. “You’re both working it out. Together. It’s a good start, Jake.”
“Yes, it is. Our plans must change a bit, but we don’t have to throw them away. They aren’t dreams, they’re realities that are just on hold. I keep telling her and she seems to be taking it in now.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“I think being around Emily has helped. She’s a little cracker, I tell you,” he laughed quietly. “If anyone can make you change your mind about kids, she’s it.” Jake flopped onto his back and tucked his hands behind his head, sighing again.
“What’s freaking you out then?”
“Us,” he said simply.
“Us?”
Turning his head to look at me, he gave me a tight smile. “It’s not been the same since everything happened. Since Sophie got pregnant, since you started fucking Shaun.”
“Hey.” I took offence to him implying all Shaun and I had was a sexual connection. “It was more than that, all right? Don’t cheapen it.”
“Look what he did, Ayden. I got the cliff notes version from Sophie, I can’t say I’m all that happy he hurt my best friend.”
“Yeah, well...” I sounded unconvincing at best, I knew. “I’m sure I’ll get over it. Lesson learned, right?” Sad thing was, I didn’t want to learn, I just wanted Shaun. The odds of this being the last thing to be thrown at us were slim. I had to make decisions. Did I want to close myself off to any more pain or did I stand by Shaun and make a go of it?
“You’re not kidding anyone.” Jake laughed cynically. “I don’t know this bloke, I mean - he looks at me like he wants to rip my head off, justifiably so. But there’s more to him. Must be. He’s not your type yet here you are, neck deep in shit with him and still, you act like it’s just another bump in the road, and it shouldn’t be.”
“Maybe it is,” I shrugged. I didn’t want to be a doormat, not for anyone. The situation Shaun put himself in was complicated at best and I held onto that thread of thought.
“You love him?” Jake asked.
Sighing, I too rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “Yeah, Jake. I think I do.” What was the point in denying it?
“Then let him make this right if he can. Let him do the right thing. Let him say sorry. Use that forgiving heart you have and let him come back. There’s an explanation, listen to him tell you what really happened. Pictures are pictures, Ayden. They never tell the whole story.”
Jake was right. Shaun was too raw to think about then, so I changed the subject. “What’s the plan? With you and Sophie, I mean.”
He sat up on the bed and crossed his legs, resting his hands on his knees. “She’s taking the year out and I’m going to finish. By the time I’m done, our kid will be here and then we flip it around. She’ll finish hers, so I’m at home. Well,” he pointed at me, “if you’ll let us still stay at the Loft. We talked a lot about that. She wants to stay here, so do I. I don’t know what will happen between us, but we want to be in the same space for our kids’ sake.”
My smile was genuine. They were trying to be
responsible and I was happy to hear they at least had the beginnings of a plan. If they both wanted to stay, then it was no problem for me. Jake knew he’d get any help he needed.
“Sure. It’s not a problem. You’re both welcome. This is your home. Maybe you can make it hers too?” I said hopefully. I wasn’t looking to my future, there was too much of it up in the air, but the last thing I wanted was my two best friends feeling unwelcome because they were trying to do the right thing.
Climbing from the bed, Jake walked around to my side. I sat up as he reached down and held me in a hug. “I love you,” he whispered into my ear before pulling away. I didn’t say it back, those words too fresh since the last time I’d said them, didn’t mean he didn’t know I felt the same.
Leaving the room, Jake didn’t turn around. He shut off the overhead light on the way out and closed my door softly. There was never a better man than him. I pondered on his words for a moment before shaking myself. I wanted sleep and the morning to come so I could go back to Beaufort and shut out the world for a while.
Hopefully Shaun would make the right decisions from here on out and I’d see him when we were both ready. In the meantime, I had some soul searching to do.
Shaun
The foulest mood I’d ever been in hung around. It didn’t dissipate, didn’t lessen in intensity. I took Lucca’s shit, let him rail at me as he shoved me against the wall in his office. Let him call me all the names under the sun. Let him evil eye me as Ryder hauled him off me and pushed him into a chair. In truth, I was too numb to give a fuck. Too numb to retaliate. I’d hurt his son, with intent or not, I’d still hurt him.
When Ryder had arrived at my flat, with Boomer not too far behind, he’d found me slumped over the kitchen chair with a bottle of whisky in my hand. The slap to the head had vaguely roused me and while he’d marched me down to his club to clean up, Boomer had stripped the Polaroids that bitch had taped to every inch of my bathroom wall. The sick feeling had yet to subside at what they’d shown, my hate only intensifying when I thought about it.