by K A Sands
Today was not mine, it was Jake’s.
“Yes,” my dad placed his hand on Sophie’s knee. “But you don’t need to talk to her, if that’s what you want.”
There was no yes or no from Sophie and the silence pressed on as the town car pulled to a halt behind the hearse that had carried Jake from the church.
“Put your jacket back on,” Ryder quipped at me as he fiddled with his cufflinks under the sleeves of his own jacket.
“It’s too hot,” I grumbled, like a spoiled child.
“Put it on.”
There was no argument to be had so I lifted the stupid thing from the floor and held it tight. I’d put it on once we got outside. We filed out one by one and stood in a small huddle, my gaze swinging around the cemetery looking for Jake’s final resting spot. It was busy, a lot of Uni friends had come to pay their respects, to say their goodbyes to a man everyone loved. Not that he would have cared, he had never been one to want to climb the popularity ladder. There was a group of girls standing off to the side with Suzie, the girl he’d fucked around with before. They were eyeing us, and I hoped like fuck they left Sophie alone otherwise I was going to go to town. My nerves were frayed as it was.
Ryder made his way to the minister with Shaun a step behind him while I put my jacket back on. My dad lingered until Sophie tucked her small hand into my larger one and held tight. I could give her this, be what she needed for a little while.
I was reluctant to move; my feet not wanting to carry me to say my final goodbye. My body revolted at the thought.
Turning back to the car, I felt sick as I shook loose from Sophie. “God, I can’t do this.”
A firm hand around my neck halted my attempt to escape, slim fingers slipping from mine. “Yes, you can, son. You can.”
I was bleeding out inside, couldn’t he see that? I’d held my head high all morning, but this was too much. With the air too thin, I fought to draw in a single easy breath. The heavy weight pushing against my chest almost crippled me.
Stumbling to the kerb, my arse hit the concrete and I crumpled into myself. My very soul ripped wide open, my heart cracking and splintering, leaving a gaping hole which threatened to swallow me.
This was Jake.
My Jake.
Tears stung but refused to spill. I didn’t know why they wouldn’t come. They were stuck. Stuck like me.
“Hey, baby. Look at me.” Shaun’s compassionate voice washed over, and I raised my head, drowning in his eyes, drowning in the bottomless depths of the man he was.
“I can’t do this, Shaun,” I choked out.
“We’re all here, baby. We’re all here for you. For Jake. Come on, get up. Let’s go love him a final time.”
“He shouldn’t be here!” I cried.
“No, he shouldn’t.” His arms hooked under my arms and he coaxed me up. “Come on, big fella. Let’s go.”
I shuffled to my feet, searching around for Sophie. My dad had her tucked into him and Laura was rubbing a hand up and down her back in comfort. Beyond my dad I saw Jake’s mum watching her, a look of disdain on her face, so far removed from the grief that should have been there. I wondered what was going through her head. She’d lost her son yet hadn’t shown an ounce of emotion. Had he meant so little to her?
We moved sluggishly, in no hurry to get the so-called show on the road.
Forty minutes slipped by in a heartbeat, but not Jakes, his didn’t beat anymore. Voices, speeches, hymns - all over my head, all rolled into one. All I could do was stare at my best friend’s coffin. Half of me wanted to bang on the wood, demand he woke up and came home. The other half wanted to crawl into the box with him and fall asleep, keep him warm.
The slow internment was the last I could take. On a hitch of a breath I turned and walked away from him one last time. No one followed, which suited me fine, I was no good to anyone anyway. I threw my jacket into the back of the town car then turned and left.
I walked through the black wrought iron gates that welcomed nothing good and kept on walking. My legs would carry me home when I was ready.
Shaun
Jake’s death had an impact on us all. Sophie refused to return to the Loft, choosing to stay in Beaufort where Laura became a much-needed mother figure to her. Her belly grew and grew with a healthy little baby girl she wanted to call Jessica.
I spoke to her every day, even when she couldn’t find words for me, but we never spoke about what happened. Now and again she’d let me know she’d been to see the therapist Laura had found for her. Physically she’d recovered as best she could. Her shoulder moved better but she wasn’t overly optimistic about dancing the way she used to again, the nerves in her fingers shot. She didn’t say as much but I knew she felt her dream slipping further away.
Perhaps it had died along with Jake that awful night?
Boomer was staying in rehab, something Ryder had so graciously made possible. He often went to visit my best friend and it surprised me because I hadn’t. Every time I’d mentioned it to him he’d fob me off with some excuse that never made sense. I let him be, he wasn’t ready, when he was - I’d be there.
And Ayden...
Ayden went back to Uni. The spring he used to have in his step absent. I often found him curled up on Jake’s bed when I’d come to the Loft. At first it angered me, he’d turn his back and ignore when I would open the door and call out his name. It was his way of dealing. I got that, but I didn’t like he shut me out so much.
Our relationship was hanging on, if we even still had a one. The picture I’d had in my head of waking up tangled around Ayden every morning was no more a reality than Jake still breathing. His excuses of ‘needing space’ and ‘homework’ were getting old real fast. The thought of him wallowing in his flat on his own didn’t sit well with me either. What could I do when he’d closed his door to me?
I just wanted Ayden any way I could get him; so, I put up with the anger and dismissal he rightly threw my way, let him have his grief.
Bouncing and taking deliveries at Ryder’s club became a thing, not a career goal by any means but it kept me busy and out of trouble, allowed me to find and pay for another flat. Gave me my days so I could sift through my head and suss out a plan for moving on.
I’d never felt lonelier.
Charlie wasn’t someone I worried over anymore, and I had no clue where or what had been done to Shorty. But I did see Chrissie now and again and it was never pleasant. Her blank stare was disconcerting when she looked straight through me while passing on the street. Unpleasant but a relief.
So yeah, our lives were going - barely.
Something had to give, I refused to exist in this empty space for much longer. We’d been through far too much to have our love collapse around us. I wanted a life, wanted Ayden to be a part of it with me more than anything. While I made plans, he slipped away. I locked up the club early one morning, deciding it was time things changed. I put my plan into action.
Me: You got plans?
Ayden: Homework
I ignored the fucking homework text. Coward.
Me: Be there @ 8. Door open
If he didn’t leave the door open, I was banging the fucker down. It was make or break time, I’d be leaving his place with answers, with a plan for my future. I wanted him right there with me and I hoped he wanted the same.
Time for me to take what I wanted, to show him what I needed. Stripped bare, he’d have it all if he wanted it. I was laying it all out whether he wanted to hear it or not and I was going to make him decide. There was no more bullshit coming between us. Enough was enough.
Tides had changed, I’d learnt to swim.
I was deserving.
I’d earned it.
* * *
The temperature had cooled over the months, so I grabbed a coat on the way out of my flat, swinging my old record bag over my shoulder as I banged the door behind me. The brisk walk to Ayden’s left me with little time to think about the words I wanted to say. When I found
the door open, I suddenly felt nervous, not sure if I wanted to risk the chance of him telling me to finally piss off. It was a real possibility.
We’d only slept together once since Jake had died; a subdued fuck that had left me feeling twisted up in all the wrong ways and empty. I couldn’t figure where his head was at, but it sure as fuck hadn’t been in bed with me that time.
Knocking on the Loft door, I was about to find out.
“Hey,” he said, opening the door wider to let me in. I cautiously slipped inside, toeing off my shoes and dumping my bag on the floor. The coat I’d worn was flung on top, wishing for them to still be there in the morning.
Ayden traipsed through to the lounge with his shoulders slumped. Not a good sign. I cringed at the mess of the place, the empty beer bottles that lay around in abundance.
“What is this?” I swept my hand toward the coffee table where at least four bottles stood drained. Bloodshot eyes blinked up at me. This wasn’t my Ayden.
“What do you want, Shaun?”
“Well,” I huffed at him, “I wanted you, Ayden. But this is not what I had in mind.”
A curt laugh left his mouth. “Then leave.”
I planted my feet and stood my ground, sensing a battle. “No.”
He kicked at the coffee table, sending the bottles flying to the floor. “Then take a seat.” Shrewd eyes pinned me in place, then he abruptly stood and stripped off his t-shirt. “Oh, wait. You wanna fuck, huh?”
His hands went to the buckle of his belt and he clumsily tried to pry the leather apart, his fingers fumbling, his frustration getting the better of him. He was pissed - and pissed off. Finally unhooking the belt, he snorted in triumph and hurried his jeans down his legs.
Commando. As usual.
Staggering around, he attempted to peel the denim over his feet while I watched on miserably. His cock was hard, and he was a mess. I couldn’t help but ogle him even though there wasn’t an ounce sexual connection between us. I wasn’t even turned on. How could I be? He was such a pitiful sight.
“Aha!” he cried after throwing his jeans across the room. He gripped himself and grinned at me.
Oh, Ayden.
Taking a step forward, I wrapped my hand over the top of his and fucking squeezed him. His eyes watered, and he puffed out his chest in defiance. Nothing about our stand-off was arousing in any way whatsoever.
“This is not you, Ayden.” It wasn’t. He knew it, I knew it. My baby was lost. I didn’t want to play this game with him anymore and I didn’t think he really did either. “What do you want?”
His lashes fluttered downwards as he swayed in front of me, his cock softening under our hands. He tipped forward, his forehead knocking into mine.
“You.” The whispered word came out shaky and raw. “Just you, Shaun.”
I let go of him and took a small step back carefully, so he wouldn’t fall forward. “You need to sober up,” I declared, “shower.”
Not waiting for any of the protests he usually had on the tip of his tongue, I turned him in the direction of his room and nudged him there. Getting him under the shower was relatively easy and while he let the water beat down on his body, I went through the flat and picked up after him, throwing bottles in the recycle bin and filling the dishwasher. Stripping his bed, clean sheets I’d found in the hall cupboard were shoved on in a haphazard manner. I closed both Jake and Sophie’s bedroom doors on the way by, not needing the reminder of them. I wanted to focus on Ayden and only him.
When I returned to his room, he was rifling through a drawer for something. The towel wrapped around his still wet body left nothing to the imagination, he was no longer swaying on his feet, his cock no longer hard.
“You wank off in the shower?” I laughed trying to break the tension.
“No,” was all he said in return, no hint of a smile.
“You want coffee?”
“No.”
I sighed. “You’re gonna have to give me a bit more than one-word answers, mate.”
Tugging sports shorts up his legs and under the towel he turned to me as he whipped off the damp material, throwing it to the floor. “When’s the last time you got laid?” he asked me in all seriousness. I was taken aback by the question. So much so, I just gawped at him. “You’ve never refused me before.” He shrugged, making it seem like no big deal.
My irritation got the better of me and snapped at my heels quicker than lightning. “Fuck. You.”
“I wish you would, cos I’m fucking gagging for a cock in my arse, babe.”
A cock. He’d said a cock, not mine. God, where had he gone? Who was this man standing in front of me? “What the fuck are you doing?”
His shrugs and blasé attitude was really pissing me off, he was acting like I was just another bloke he could get his kicks out of. Just another bloke he fucked. And Christ, the bastard was getting hard again. As if to toy with me, he gripped his length through the thin shorts he wore.
Well, two could play his fucking game. I licked my lips and cocked my head to the side. “That for me?”
Ayden tucked his hand inside and I watched as he fumbled around in his shorts. My traitorous dick wanted to play now, too. The sexual tension absent before was now potent. I reached down and popped the buttons on my jeans, pulling my cock out. I wasn’t shy, giving him an eyeful. Stroking my hand up and down, I waited for his next move.
Because by fuck, it was up to him to make it.
He sauntered over, pushing me back into the wall, his free hand forcing down on my shoulders. “Knees,” he growled as he whipped his hand away and fumbled to get his shorts over his arse. When they fell away and I dropped to the floor, all I could think about was getting him in my mouth. If this was the last I was getting, I was going to fucking take it.
I snaked my tongue out and swiped at the engorged head he’d presented to me. If this was indeed the last I was getting, he was going to remember me without a shadow of a doubt.
Ayden
“Oh, come on,” I griped, frustrated. “Don’t just fucking kiss it, Shaun!”
I let out a yelp as his teeth connected with the sensitive head of my cock, fingers squeezing my balls in warning. I yanked hard at his hair, looking down at him fiercely, letting him know I was deadly serious.
“I need to ram my dick down your throat and fucking choke you. Stop being a fucking girl and suck me already.”
I thrust my hips forward too hard, pushing into the back of his throat with force. A hard pinch to my leg had me yelping again. I was so goddamned hard, I just wanted to come. Didn’t he get that? I twisted the strands of his hair that I had a hold of, hoping the prick could feel it hurt.
I’d missed the fucker too.
Firm hands pushed at my thighs and Shaun wrestled my fingers from his head, my cock slipping from his mouth as he drew back.
“Fuck you!” he shouted, then wiped the back of his hand over his mouth as he stood.
He pushed me forcefully and with my shorts around my feet, I stumbled backward, falling straight to my arse on the cold floor, my hands behind me breaking most of the fall. He stood before me, angry as hell, tucking his erection into his jeans. He didn’t zip up though - there was still a possibility of getting fucked and forgetting about everything else for a while.
“What?” I asked lamely.
Shaun was no stranger to my dirty mouth or my rough ways, so I was missing something, didn’t understand what his problem was. Leaning over, he pointed a steady finger at me, rage colouring his cheeks, fire in those normally calm eyes of his.
Oh, yes. Angry sex was on the cards.
“What?” This time my question was sharp and unamused.
I took a second to try to figure out how he could have me down his throat one minute then the next I was sitting bare arsed naked on the floor with Shaun spitting fire at me. Hell, no. Wasn’t going down like that. “Five fucking days, Gripp. Where you been, huh?” I deliberately used the old nickname he hated with a passion.
“Cut the Gripp shit. You didn’t want me here, you fucker. I’m not exactly going to stick around and wait for you to ignore me, am I?” He reached down to do up the buttons of his jeans. I really had pissed him off. “You’re such a prick,” he spat at me as he straightened the rest of himself out.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. The scenario was ridiculous. I kicked at my feet, my shorts coming loose, then laid back on the floor and continued to tease my cock. If he wasn’t gonna suck me, fuck him, I’d finish myself off. He could stand there and watch if he wanted. I sneaked a peek and leered at him. “You mean this one, baby?”
I was asking for a punch to the face.
Shaun shoved his hands on his hips and tipped his head to the ceiling, blowing out a deep breath. I chanced a look at his buttoned jeans and fuck if I wasn’t happy to see his erection. It was my turn to lick my lips, thudding my head back to the floor, I wanked myself off, my hand twisting and tightening, the sparks starting low in my belly for the second time in as many minutes.
“You’re impossible.”
“Come on, Shaun,” I whined, “cut me a break.”
Ripping his t-shirt upwards and over his head, tattooed skin rippled before me. Still fizzing, he cursed at the buttons on his jeans while trying to get the rest of his clothes off. Shaun was as naked as I was within a minute. A beautiful sight I’d missed so terribly.
He fell to his knees at my feet and swatted my hand from my cock, then climbed my body, moving upwards until he straddled my chest. Seemed like it was Shaun’s show now, hell - I wasn’t complaining, the man was ferocious when he took over. His hard dick tapped at my chin and I opened in anticipation. Pinning my hands above my head he wasted no time getting into position, aggravation still swirling in the stormy depths of his eyes.
Oh, fuck, yes.
Shaun paused for a second, looking at me in a funny way I couldn’t decipher, then he shoved into me with no refinement whatsoever.
“Take it, bitch,” he growled, angling his hips so he could deep throat me how he pleased. I was just a spectator at that point, gagging and swallowing him down like he was the tastiest thing I’d ever had in my mouth, he probably was. “Who’s choking who now, huh?”