by Lyn Lowe
“I’m sorry.” He needed to force the words past a thick blockage in his throat. They were hardly a squeak.
Eighteen
In the morning someone came for her. It was a tiny girl, all sharp angles and splotchy red skin. She peered at Kaie from underneath long white-blonde hair. Her dark blue eyes caught him in an odd way. Like she was seeing right through him. He smiled at her but she didn’t say a word. Just reached out a hand for Amorette and led her away.
There was a married couple on the other side of their screen. They introduced themselves the night before. Ren, a tall and skinny man with dark skin, gave them a of couple hand-carved bowls as a welcome gift. His pale and bony wife, Silvy, shared some of their stew. They were both friendly and kind. For them, Kaie tried to act grateful. He was grateful. But summoning up that feeling from underneath the numbness spreading its tendrils through his mind was almost impossible. Amorette didn’t even speak. They seemed to understand, or at least accept, that behavior from both of them. They expressed no interest in socializing once the food was served. Kaie was almost as grateful for that.
Someone came for them that morning too. They were just as quiet about their departure as Amorette was. The flapping of the skin door was the only indication they’d left.
No one came for Kaie. He waited, watching the door with a mixture of apprehension and anticipation. But no one else came to his awful little hovel. At some point he realized no one would. That he was going to be left sitting there alone all day.
At first he spent the time trying to figure out improvements to make to their new home. Ren explained the strange fire pit – he called it a fireplace – to him the night before and he thought he understood it. But it didn’t seem especially safe. Some of the stones looked like they were on the verge of falling out and the inside was a terrible mess. He could gather some grasses to make a mat for the floor. It was warm enough now, but fall was still new. Eventually it would get cold. When it did a mat would be much nicer than the bare earth he was sitting on now.
All those plans took about twenty minutes, if that.
There was a small bucket in the corner by the fireplace. Deciding that if they were going to forget him he could forget the “stay in your house” rule, Kaie grabbed it and headed out to the well.
No one else was there. All the houses were silent, quieter even than the vault. Not a single puff of smoke streamed out of what Ren called chimneys. Not even the sound of a barking dog broke up the stillness.
His grunts as he pulled the water out of the well didn’t do much to accomplish that either. His body still ached from the beatings it took. The healer’s work didn’t put him completely back to right and his treatment since hardly helped. It was hard work dragging that bucket back up. But Kaie found himself biting back the noises. Something about this quiet felt wrong to break. It was so damn empty.
Back in his new home, Kaie went to work cleaning out the fireplace. He found a pot discarded there along with a contraption like the one Silvy used to hold her own in the fire. Both were dented, abused and filthy. When the fireplace was cleaned out he went to work on them. It took two more trips out to the well and most of the daylight, but he got all three more or less serviceable. Then he went to the spot Ren described the night before to gather wood set aside for the slaves of East Field.
When Amorette returned he was nursing a fire to life to cook a stew not unlike the one Silvy made. She said nothing. She continued to say nothing through dinner, then laid down on one of the blankets with her back to him and went to sleep. As much as it hurt he couldn’t blame her for it.
The next day the blonde girl came again. He smiled and she stared. Amorette left without a word. Ren and Silvy left without a word. No one came for him.
Kaie cleaned the pot and fireplace. He washed himself and his clothes. He arranged the blankets. It took about an hour and a half. Then there was nothing to do.
The day after that was even worse.
He thought about going crazy. There was nothing to do, nothing to plan. Kaie didn’t know how to deal with it. His mind spun around in circles, going over puzzles he would never solve. Or dwelling on memories of his parents and Sojun, prodding at the pain with the mindless obsession of a tongue poking at a bitten lip. Insanity seemed a perfectly valid way of dealing with it.
That was the day the healer came to see him. At first Kaie didn’t recognize him. It wasn’t that the kid looked any different. Maybe a little less pale. It just didn’t seem right, seeing him here. He didn’t fit in this sad, empty place.
The boy knocked on the side of the wall as he came in, interrupting Kaie’s silent meditation of the long-cold coals at the bottom of the fireplace. He was carrying a small bundle and offered a smile that never reached his eyes. “I’m glad to see you escaped Lady Autumnsong’s attention, Bruhani.”
Kaie scowled. “Glad someone is.” It was more than he intended to say but the boy was the first person to speak to him in two and a half days. The words just sort of spilled out before he thought about it.
“I’ve brought you and your girl more clothing.”
Kaie took the offered bundle without thinking, casting an uninterested glance inside. “What’s with all the shirts here? Do they leave off the right side because they think the gods have some special affection for that shoulder or something?”
The boy made an odd face. “You’re kidding?”
He shook his head. “I spent a few hours trying to figure it out yesterday. That’s the best I could do.”
He expected a chuckle, but the kid didn’t take the bait. “How could they be certain who is a slave, if they can’t see your brand?”
And, just like that, it wasn’t funny anymore. Every night he stared at the dark red welt in Amorette’s flesh, hating these people for placing their mark on her, knowing he wore the same. Thinking about it was enough to make his hands ache for the chance to do damage.
There was no way to fix it. Even if he could get his fingers around the throat of the woman who burned them or the one who told her to do so, it wouldn’t take the brands from their shoulders. They were owned now, the both of them. And he couldn’t undo it.
“Are you here to take me to work?” He wasn’t sure what he hoped the answer was. Kaie was eager for anything to end the numbing boredom and loneliness of his last few days but he surely didn’t want to go happily about his slavery.
The boy’s head shook again. “You’re injured. Less than they think, of course, but you need time to heal. I told them a month. You’ll likely only get three weeks, but that’s just a bit more than you really need and not unexpected. You’re a waste of money until you’re put to a task. The Mistress only tolerates waste to a point.”
The neglect, which he thought a form of punishment, made so much sense now that Kaie was a bit embarrassed he didn’t put it together before.
The boy flashed another sad smile. “I thought you would appreciate the time to adjust.”
Kaie tried not to grimace. “Thanks.” He thought it best to leave things at that but his lack of conversation was overriding his better judgment. “I would rather be doing something. I don’t do well, sitting around by myself all day with nothing to occupy my time but contemplating the dirt under my nails. I was almost sold on the losing my mind plan, before you showed up.”
The boy’s eyes widened in such a clear expression of surprise it was actually comical. “You don’t meditate?”
Kaie swallowed his laugh when he realized it wasn’t meant to be a joke. “Gods no. What would I do that for?”
“I thought everyone who can touch the Jhoda – old magic – meditates. It helps to focus our abilities, control the wild aspects of ourselves that would make the magics be dangerous. You’re the most powerful I’ve ever seen… How do you manage, without meditation?”
He shrugged. “I don’t.”
It was an honest answer but he could read the boy’s dissatisfaction clearly. What other answer was there to give? The kid clearly co
nsidered the Jhoda some great gift. Kaie didn’t share that assessment. And the only way he knew to explain it was to share exactly what kind of magic was pumping through him. That wasn’t an option. No one could know.
The boy’s head shook one more time. In amazement or disparagement, Kaie couldn’t tell. He supposed it didn’t really matter. “Well, I guess I’m sorry then, Bruhani. I don’t know what to tell you. I could try to visit, if it would help. I doubt I could manage every day but the Mistress’s son isn’t so bad. I’m sure I can slip away for a few hours every couple days.”
He didn’t want a friend, especially not this one. The boy was meek, cowed, not at all the sort of person who could withstand the punishment the gods were sure to dole out for associating with him. And the kid certainly wasn’t going to help him find a way to get Sojun and Amorette out of this mess. It didn’t seem like a wise decision, according to the boy’s own explanation of the sentiment toward magic users, to associate with one regardless.
But just the thought of another two or three weeks of the silence and uninterrupted boredom was enough to make him start gibbering. So, once more, his loneliness won out over his better sense. He grinned. “Thanks.” He held out his hand. “Kaie.”
The boy smiled, a true smile that lit his light blue eyes, and took the hand. “Vaughan Talus de Vilde.”
Kaie managed not to roll his eyes at the long name. What was it about the barbarians that they felt a need to tack on so many more parts to the names their parents gave them? It was like adding extra feet. But mocking the boy for it didn’t seem a great way to start things off. “So. Vaughan. Now that you’ve risked life and limb for me a couple times, sticking me in this perfectly miserable situation, I figure you owe me a favor. Want to make amends?”
The boy blinked owlishly. “What?”
“You’re going to help me figure out how make things better for Amorette.”
Nineteen
“What do you want from me?”
It took some work. Vaughan stayed longer than his allotted time, helping Kaie gather branches and pebbles from around the compound. The boy didn’t stay to arrange them around Kaie’s sleeping space, but that was for the best. It took him four tries to get them looking the way he wanted before he gave up on perfection and settled down beside Amorette’s blanket. He was finished moments before she pushed her way inside, her arms red and her lips turned down in a scowl.
Her purposeful stride hitched and faltered as she took in the state of their home. For a second, he was pleased to see a bit of the girl he knew flash into her eyes. Her surprise, her enjoyment of the humor. But then the other look slammed back into place. The look he saw in Ren and Silvy’s every night, and the one Vaughan wore when they first met. The one he thought of as the dead look. Her scowl returned with ferocity.
He attempted a grin, but that was a challenge facing such an unappreciative audience. “Your attention.”
Amorette closed her eyes for a moment, letting out a slow sigh. When she opened them again even her anger seemed to drain away, leaving her looking empty. “Ok.”
It wasn’t the resounding acceptance he hoped for, but it was an allowance and Kaie was going to take it. “This is bad. I know that, and I know it’s worse for… him…” He couldn’t bring himself to say the name out loud. So he pushed on. “And I know that’s because of me. I should be punished. I get that. But I can’t lose you, Ams. I don’t have anything else. Yell, scream, hit me if you have to. But don’t just quietly slip away. Please.”
She stared at him for a while. He searched for some sign of acceptance, something he recognized, in her flat hazel eyes. But there was nothing. After a time, she sat down with her back to the cloth doorway and stared into the dead fire pit. He let the silence stretch on for as long as he could stand it, hoping this was simply her considering his words. But he was terrified this was her answer.
“Say something.”
Amorette’s eyes never lifted from the ashes. “What would you have me say?”
“I don’t know.” Kaie let out a slow breath of air. “Tell me you hate me. Tell me what I need to do to get you back. Anything. Just talk.”
Finally, so slowly he felt each agonizing second, she looked up. Her eyes darted over to his creation then back to him. “I don’t know what to say. I think of things, while I sleep, while I make the bread and wash the dishes, and then I see you and I forget them all.”
His jaw clenched for a moment. “They have you making bread? The best hunter in our family and they waste you with bread?”
Her right brow twitched. But she didn’t respond. After a while she dropped gaze back down to the floor. The silence stretched. Kaie sighed. Vaughan warned him not to expect much. He knew it would take more than one conversation to fix what was broken, if there was any way of fixing it at all. But he felt intensely disappointed.
He moved over to his side of the room and looked down at the sparrow he outlined with sticks. Pebbles for the eyes and beak, as well as a little in the body in his miserable attempt at making it look more colorful. He was so proud of his idea earlier. Now it looked pathetic. He reached down to knock it aside, lacking even the energy to take apart and arrange it in the pit Amorette found so damn fascinating like he planned.
Before his hand connected with the construction, her small one wrapped around his wrist. “Don’t break it.”
She was so close he could feel the tickle of her breath. They were never this close. Not when it was just the two of them. His skin tingled where her air brushed him and burned where she touched. He swallowed hard against an old longing that was so much worse than shameful. But he could smell her, underneath the scent of dough and soap, and could almost imagine the sound of her laughter ringing in his ears. And there was no one else there to remind him of how she could never be his.
“You like it?” He tripped over the words, awkward in a way he never was with her.
“You remembered.”
His smile fell apart almost the moment it touched his lips. He was too nervous to hold on to it. But the warmth of the memory gave him back some measure of speech again. “Of course I do. I’ll never forget it. I fell half in love with you that day.”
She looked almost as surprised as he was that he said it. But Kaie noticed the twitch of a smile at the corner of her lip, and that almost made the deeply embarrassing confession worth it. “At six years old?”
He chuckled, half hoping she would take the whole thing as a joke. Or maybe that she wouldn’t and that something would come of it. But that was something he couldn’t want. Not ever again. “Oh yes. You underestimate how sexy you were back then. Every six-year-old boy in the tribe was falling for you.” The twitch grew until it was on the verge of being something real. His own grin returned in force.
It was truer than she would ever believe. He and Sojun never fought over her, not really, but they fended off more than a few other boys who were desperate to win her attention. That she chose them to be her closest friends was a boon neither could quite understand and one they were more than willing to blacken a few eyes to protect. They both knew that ultimately it would be only one of them who won her, and for all that they never faced it, it was the first and deepest crack between them.
“I threw a stone at the mother.” Amorette’s voice snapped Kaie back into moment. Where the only girl he ever fantasized about was still incredibly close and clutching his wrist in her cool hands. “I never told anyone that. It wasn’t an accident that she left. I thought it was funny, and I thought she’d come back. I was the reason he was all alone.”
“It turned out okay.”
She dropped his wrist. He dropped his hand. The two of them knelt there in silence once again. This time Kaie didn’t try to end it. He got the sense that if he did he would lose her.
When he felt cool fingers threading between his Kaie thought he was imagining it. He glanced down at their clasped hands in surprise. She squeezed, just a bit, and then pulled her hand loose.
&nbs
p; Kaie thought that was it. She would go back to her side, he would clean up his. But it would be better. Because some of it would be better between them. A start. Except it wasn’t it.
She placed her hands on either side of his face and lifted his head until they were staring into each other’s eyes again. And then she kissed him.
Soft. Tasting a bit of the bread they had her making. Hesitant at first, then more insisting. His heart thundered in his ears. His arms slid around her, snaking up her back and tightening around her waist, pulling her forward until there was no space between them. She came willingly, her every movement yielding. More than that.
Then her cool fingers were slipping under his shirt and tugging at the drawstring of his pants. Kaie drew in a sharp breath as a shudder ran through him. He leaned back and caught up her hands quickly, before his body could make an idiot of him. “What are you doing?” he muttered.
She pulled her hands free gently. “I thought that would be obvious.”
“It…yes.” His head spun, his body screaming for him to shut up. To let her do what she wanted. What he wanted. But this was wrong. This wasn’t for him. “But Sojun…”
She hissed and pulled away, wrapping her arms across her chest. “I don’t want to think about him now.”
“He’s my heart’s brother, Ams. What he did for me…This is wrong. He’s not dead. He’s not here, but he’s alive.”
“It doesn’t matter. He chose. I’m not his anymore.”
Kaie sucked in a breath of air and let it out slowing, trying to calm the blood pumping through his him. “It does matter. So this…”
“This is me saying,” she interrupted, sliding her arms around his neck and pulling his head back to hers, “he gave me up. And I want you to make me forget. Just for a little while. Please. Make me forget him.”
Kaie knew he needed to push her away. Every second he didn’t he was betraying his best friend. But then her lips were on his again. It made it almost impossible to think. Her hand slid down his chest, to his pants, and every bit of him was determined not to stop, to let her do as she pleased, to forget himself. Just for a little while.