by Lyn Lowe
“I said I didn’t care. When Vaughan asked. When she did. I told her I didn’t care about her.”
“But you loved her.”
“Not all the time.” He let out a long breath. “Gods, I killed her. If I loved her like I used to, like Sojun loves her…”
“Then she would still be dead.” Peren’s fingers were in his hair. She stroked his head, the way his mother did when he was small and sick. “What she did, it wasn’t something you could stop. You need to know that. The man who hurt me, your Amorette, those deaths are because of her. Not you. Never you.”
He was lying down. When did that happen? His head was in her lap and she was still stroking his hair. Just like when he was little. He didn’t want to need it. “I’m alone. I’m going to wake up and be all alone. Every day.”
“No,” Peren murmured. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll always be here. I promise.”
Thirty-Two
She was there when he woke up. With breakfast in another bowl. Not a bowl Amorette ate out of. It was a different colored wood. He ate the tangerine first. Then she peeled off his clothing, stiff with dried blood. She cleaned him with a cloth and water from another bowl. One that Amorette ate out of. She wiped a patch of his body, dropped the cloth into the bowl, wrung it out, and then wiped another patch, until he was clean. He was naked and her beautiful, intense eyes took in every bit of him. But there was no sexual element to it. She was taking care of him because he needed it, even if he wished he didn’t.
When he was clean she dressed him in new clothes. They weren’t the same as his old ones. They weren’t made out of the same soft material. They were thicker and itchier. Made for winter weather. But his right shoulder was still uncovered. She draped the blanket over him again. Kaie laid back. After a while she climbed under the blanket with him. She pressed up against his back, wrapping her arms around him. He didn’t want to need her there. But he did.
The days bled into each other. He spent most of them locked in the past, losing himself in one vision after another. All of them were of Amorette. Most were of himself and Sojun too. The worst ones were of her and Jun alone. Their moments together were nothing like what he imagined.
The first time was right after Sojun’s mother left. That day was burned into his memory as intensely as if it were his own family that fell apart. He recognized the clothing they wore, the colorful ribbons decorating the village for Spring Festival and the panicked animal look in his best friend’s eyes. He didn’t know they met on the hill, though, after he went home to bed.
They spoke for a while. Or, rather, Amorette talked. Jun sat there, staring off into space. It was all the boy did that whole day. He and Ams spent hours trying to coax a word, but Sojun was somewhere else. Right up until the kiss.
He wanted to pull away from the vision then. Watching her tenderness for his heart’s brother was like a knife shoved through his gut. But that was good. He was supposed to hurt. So he forced himself to watch.
The kiss brought Jun back to the world with a visible start. “What was that for?”
“Because you were hurting,” Amorette murmured shyly. “And because I am sorry.”
Sojun shook his head. “I don’t have anything to give you tonight, Ams.”
“I’m not asking you for anything, Sojun. Not tonight. Tonight I just want to be a girl and a boy on a hill.”
The words burned like ice pressed against his flesh. He knew everything between himself and Amorette was a lie. She told him so. But knowing that even the words she used belonged to another time, another boy…
And they worked as well on Jun as they did on Kaie. The two were kissing again.
“I love you Amorette.” Sojun seemed surprised by the words. Kaie wasn’t. He knew his heart’s brother was in love with her just as long as he was. Amorette wasn’t either. She smiled knowingly and slid her long fingers through light brown hair.
“Do you love me best?” she asked at last.
“Best?” He was as confused by this question as Jun looked to be.
“If you had to pick, if it were me or Kaie, would you chose me?” She slid her hands into Jun’s pants as she asked. By the groan that came from his friend, Kaie didn’t need to guess what was going on.
“Yes,” Sojun rasped. Amorette beamed. After that they lost their clothing the way snakes shed their skins. Kaie forced himself to watch. Every kiss, every thrust, sent ripples of icy agony through him but he wouldn’t turn away.
When that was done he pressed the glass against his thumb again, seeking another vision. Over and over, he found them. He watched Amorette tease her sisters until Esme ran crying to their mother. He watched the girls fight over their interest in him and Sojun. He learned how territorial Amorette was over the both of them, and how dogged Esme was in her crush on Jun.
He watched the three of them – Kaie, Sojun and Amorette – on their hill. So many hours spent up there, talking and wrestling, coming up with pranks and plans, scaring each other with stories about the vault behind them. Imagining what it would be like when they were adults.
He watched her hunt. Beauty and grace suffused everything she did in the woods. Even her kills were elegant. Anything she set her sights on inevitably fell. She was relentless and skilled, the best hunter of their generation. Maybe of the tribe. And she didn’t shy away from cleaning the kills, the way some of the other girls did. She dove into it with the same enthusiasm she did everything.
And he watched her and Sojun. So many times, they snuck back up to the hill after the village was asleep, more times than he could count. It didn’t matter to them, that sex was supposed to wait until they were adults. Or maybe it did. Maybe it made it more exciting. He couldn’t tell and they never said.
Sometimes they fought. That surprised him. They argued in public, of course, but this was different. These were real arguments. The kind that loosed Amorette’s temper and often resulted in a flurry of fists pounded against Jun’s chest. More often than not, they were about him. Over and over, she asked those same questions:
“Do you love me best? Would you choose me?”
When he answered at all, Jun always assured her that he would. That he did. But as the visions grew closer to the night of the soldiers, Kaie couldn’t help but notice that Sojun answered less often. Sometimes his friend would stop the questioning by pulling her in for a kiss that started up another painful scene. Other times his friend would just walk away, leaving Amorette sputtering and fuming.
It was, none of it, how he imagined. She wasn’t perfect. But she was so terribly real. Living and breathing in his visions, more vital than anyone he knew before or would again. It hurt, watching her. Hurt more than any physical pain he experienced. And he drank it all in like a man dying of thirst. Because he deserved it.
Thirty-Three
At some point Kaie started washing and dressing himself. A short time after that Peren took him to the stables again. He didn’t know how many days he missed but none of the men commented on his absence. Stephen put him in charge of the feed again. He thought the stable master shot him a few sideways glances, maybe smiled at him a little more. But it was probably his imagination.
When lunch came, so did she. They sat together on the bales. When the day was over she was waiting for him. She wrapped his hand in both of hers and led him back to her home. He ate when she gave him food. The tangerine was gone and the rest was tasteless, but it didn’t matter. When he was done he laid down under the blanket. He didn’t fall asleep until she was next to him again.
Kaie wasn’t sure how many nights he was there when the nightmares started. He woke in a cold sweat, feeling Amorette’s blood spilling through his fingers. He stared up at the ceiling, gasping and waiting for the tightness in his chest to fade. Peren’s fingers entwined with his. He held her hand tight, worried he might hurt her but unable to loosen his grip. Eventually he fell asleep again. If he dreamed more, he didn’t remember it.
Vaughan came to see them some morni
ngs after that. He brought vegetables and clothes. He and Peren spoke in hushed tones but he didn’t think they were trying to keep him from hearing. It didn’t matter if they were. Kaie wasn’t listening. He knew there were things he was supposed to worry about. But they didn’t matter.
The nightmares came every night, as if now that he let them in, they wouldn’t go away. Some nights it was just Amorette’s blood. Some nights it was the burning log. Once it was the weight of Amorette’s corpse.
That morning was one where Vaughan came to see them. He stayed for longer than usual. He even tried speaking to Kaie. Kaie knew that’s what he was doing, but he didn’t hear any of the words. It should bother him, but it didn’t. Finally, the boy gave up. His head dropped and his shoulders hunched. Then he stood and walked away.
After Vaughan left, Peren sat down beside him. She didn’t put food in his hands. She didn’t wrap the blanket around him. He didn’t know what she wanted him to do. He waited but all she did was sit. And then she cried.
The sound of her soft sobs sent a shiver through him. For a second Kaie was back in that moment. The one where he swung and a man died. With effort, he fought his way free. He knew what came next, knew he couldn’t handle reliving it. Not now. He didn’t want to think but he needed to. It was so much easier, just falling back into another vision. But Peren was crying and he needed to know why.
“Are you hurt?”
His voice was jagged and hoarse. Startled by the sound, Kaie realized it was days, maybe more, since he used it last. Peren gasped then fell into a fit of coughing. Not knowing what to do, Kaie waited it out, watching her face closely for any sign that she was in danger of choking.
She got her coughing under control quickly. The tears didn’t go away but they mingled with a strange, strangled laugh. She caught one of his hands up in hers and pressed it against her cheek. “You’re here!”
He glanced around the room, confused. “Yes…was I somewhere else?”
Peren nodded. “For a while.”
Kaie shook his head. He didn’t understand. But that wasn’t important. “You’re crying. He hurt you. Are you ok?”
“He…” Her eyes widened. “You mean when I was attacked. Yes, I’m ok. I was just sad. And a little scared.”
He frowned. “Because of me. Because of how I’ve been?”
She nodded and released his hand. Peren’s head dropped for a moment, her hair closing around her face. Kaie felt more awkward than she was. He remembered his time with her but it was foggy. Like a dream. And now he didn’t know what to do to make her stop crying.
“Hey.” He gathered her up into his arms. She was so tiny. Half his size. He remembered her holding him but couldn’t figure out how she possibly managed it. “It’s ok. Peren, I’m ok.”
She slid into his lap, folding her legs up and pressing the side of her face against his chest. It was his turn to stroke her head as she sorted out if she was laughing or crying. The end result seemed to be some sort of odd hiccup that shook her entire frame for several minutes. “You were so lost,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how to find you.”
Kaie pulled in a slow breath. The first weeks, when Amorette wouldn’t speak a word… Even if he didn’t love her, it would hurt. Being so alone. And he did it to Peren. How many nights? How long did he put her through that? He rested his head against the top of hers. “I’m sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry. Please, don’t cry.”
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sucked her nose, snot making a strange honking sound. Slowly, she slid away and put herself back in order. He watched, oddly fascinated. Her tears stopped. A pressure in his chest eased. She wiped her eyes one more time and flipped her hair back out of her face. He took that as the cue she was better.
“How long since…?”
“Three weeks.” It felt like longer. It felt like forever. “Are you really ok?”
Kaie thought about it. Thought about reaching into the fire and swinging the log. The crack as it connected. The way the man slumped down. The way Amorette cackled. The way her blood felt as it trickled through his fingers. “No.”
She laughed again. It didn’t sound happy. “No. You’re not. You wanted to go back out into the storm and I stopped you.”
His brows knit. “You knew?”
“Yes.” She stared up at him, and Kaie saw the tears still waiting there. He cringed. So much damage. All because of him. “I’m not letting you give up. Do you hate me?”
He shook his head. “Not you.” Kaie wondered if he was going to be hearing that question for the rest of his life. He looked down at his hands, a little surprised to find them clean of any blood. They should be stained. “What did I miss?”
“A lot of snow. Earlier, a few of the kids are fighting with balls of it. I watched them while Vaughan talked to you. It seemed like fun.”
In spite of everything caught up in his head, Kaie discovered he was smiling. Imagining her out there throwing snow balls at little children was funny. Her choosing that to share out of everything else that must be going on was funnier. “You should play.”
She was up in an instant, managing not to hit him a single time. She tugged her shirt, straightening out some wrinkles, and then held out her hand. “You’re coming with me.”
Kaie hunched his shoulders up nearly to his ears, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m ok.”
She rolled her eyes, a smile dancing on her lips. “You told me that already. Come on. Throw handfuls of snow at small children with me.”
He snickered, couldn’t help it. “Go,” he urged. “Have fun. I’ll be here.”
She shook her head and grabbed one of his hands, tugging until he unfolded it and stood up. “You’ll be out there. I’m not going without you.”
She dragged him forward. Kaie shuffled behind, all those weeks of practice making it more habit than a decision to cooperate. He didn’t want to go outside, to play in the snow. Just thinking about it filled him with dread. But he owed her. Three weeks. He couldn’t say no. Not if it would make her happy.
It was worse. As bad as he expected it to be, the reality was worse. All that snow. Pristine white drifts. In the corner of his eye, he saw dark red spreading across it. But when he turned to look it was still just white.
Kaie sucked in one sharp breath. Two. His body tensed, ready to run back inside. He stumbled. Where was Peren? Wasn’t she just holding his hand? He was going to fall in the snow. He was going to feel that awful chill deep in his chest, and then he would be back in that moment. He belonged in that moment. The pain was worst there.
Something cold and wet smacked him in the face. Kaie gasped and wiped it away. Peren was laughing. And then, for no reason he could think of, Kaie was too.
Thirty-Four
They were building something around him. His mother and father. The people of the village. Samuel the brute. He was lying in a pile of branches and they were each coming up with another armful. He tried to call out to them, to ask them what they were doing or tell them how much he missed them. But he couldn’t talk. Nothing came out of his mouth but a ragged burst of air.
Bit by bit, they built it around him. He tried to climb off but he couldn’t move at all. Not until they were all finished adding their part. Not until it was done. Then all the others faded back and two new figures stepped forward. Kaie sat up, leaning close. He squinted, trying to see who they were.
They were in front of him in an instant. Holding hands. Looking so perfect, just like they did that day on the hill. Amorette and Sojun. Encouraged by his ability to move, he tried to talk again. This time it worked. “You’re here!”
Sojun laughed. Warm and hearty. The sound of childhood. “We wouldn’t miss, this Rosy.”
He frowned. Confused. “What is this?”
Amorette laughed. Cold and brittle. He cringed. The color drained away from the world. “Can’t you tell, Bruhani? This is where you belong. This is where the dead go.”
The pile of sticks burst into flames
. As the heat climbed up, as his skin bubbled and split, he understood. It was where he belonged. It was his pyre.
The scream tore through him. He jerked up, sobbing. He was not burning. The fire was beside him, and he was on the ground. Not a pyre. Where was Peren? She was always next to him.
“Kaie?” The voice came from across the room. He remembered. Things were different now. It didn’t seem right, her sleeping beside him. So she was on the other side of the fire.
She didn’t stay there, though. She was beside him in an instant. Before he thought about it, before he could convince himself it was wrong, he wrapped her up in his arms and buried his face in her hair. An anchor, holding him here against the current pulling him back into the nightmare. Her small hands rubbed his back while he battled against the sobs. Slowly, the memory of burning alive faded and the terror released its grip on him.
When he was able to lie down again, she draped the blanket over him. For a moment he felt her indecision. Kaie didn’t wait for her to decide she was supposed to be across the fire from him. It was him taking her hands this time. Her head tilted, and the question on her lips was so obvious he could see it coming even in the dark. But she never asked. Instead she slid down under the blanket.
It was strange, holding her. It didn’t seem right, taking comfort after everything he did. Like maybe he was trying to replace one girl with another.
“Will you tell me what happened? Before Vaughan and I got here?”
He didn’t know he was going to ask until the questions were already out. He expected Peren to stiffen and pull away. The way Amorette would if he asked it of her. But the girl in his arms now was not the same as the one he did then. All she did was squeeze his hand. “Are you sure?”
He nodded. “I need to know.”
“Because you loved her?”