by HJ Bellus
Fender whirls around in Jed’s lap, clutches the side of his face, tears filling his eyes. “I don’t want my daddy to be sick.”
“I know, buddy. I don’t like being sick.”
The tears spill over, falling fast and with force. “I can’t sweep without you. No, Daddy, no.”
The final thread of strength that was holding me together snaps. I lose it, crying as hard as Fender when I see Jed’s shoulders fall with his tears. “Nana and Marlee will bring you to see me. We’ll get you a hotel room so you can stay near the hospital while I’m there. I’m not leaving you, Fender. I’m going to fight with all I have to beat cancer.”
Fender’s shoulders shudder as his dad holds him tight. The rest of the family joins in hugging the duo. I watch from the outside, my conviction growing by leaps and bounds to be by Jed’s side. The thought of his touch and how it sets me alive makes me shiver.
He reads my thoughts because at that moment his hand covers mine. I can’t see his face, but his touch is all I need.
29
“Life is a game and true love is a trophy.” -Rufus Wainwright
Fender shovels a heaping forkful of peach pie in his mouth. Martha sliced him the first piece and is dishing out everyone else’s. This woman may cherish her kitchen and feeding her family more than my mother. The two of them together would be dangerous. I know they’d click right away. It’s what has made today so easy and natural.
Fender wrinkles his nose and shakes his head, grabbing Jed’s attention.
“What’s wrong, buddy?”
“It’s weird. Doesn’t taste like Nana pie.”
“Son, that’s not polite.” Jed leans his elbows on the table.
Fender mimics his father’s stance. “I’m not lying.”
“I understand that, but…”
I join the stance, placing my elbows on the table. “Want to know something, Fender?”
He shakes his head, his bottom lip beginning to tremble, so I begin fast.
“I used to be married to a man named Bentley. He loved my momma’s cooking. Didn’t matter if I followed the recipe exactly or even had my mom cook it. He’d say the same thing you did. Want to know what that’s called?”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
I’m drilled from every angle with Bryant stares. I can’t stop long enough to think about the fact I’m talking about Bentley.
“A damn good cook and a loyal lover of food or that’s what Bentley used to say.”
“You hab a husband?” His head tilts in confusion.
“I had a husband.” I place extra emphasis on the word had. “Things happened, and we are no longer together.”
There’s no way in hell I’m going to go into detail with Fender about where Bentley is. His fragile mind is already on overdrive.
“So, you baswaclly saying my Nana is the bestest cook.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Fender rolls his eyes. “See, Dad.”
I don’t know about the rest of the adults, but I exhale and can relax back in my seat. Fender continues to pick at his pie. I don’t mention it, but he ends up finishing the piece minus the thick ridge of crust. I chalk it up to a kids and crust thing. Mom was still peeling the crust off my bread when I was home.
“Time for a bath. You’re all sticky, and Nana needs some time with her boy.” Martha leans down, kissing the top of Fender’s head.
His eyes are heavy. The poor boy has had his world turned upside down today.
“Daddy, can you help Nana get the water started please?”
Jed rises from his seat. “Of course, buddy. Man, you’re talking like a big boy.”
Fender shakes his head. “I know, I have nuts.”
Martha shakes her head, holding in a giggle. Fender’s statement doesn’t take her by surprise. It’s clear this is nothing new around here. Jed throws Fender up on his shoulders.
“Oh, one day your Uncle Caleb will have kids of his own, and it will be on.”
Fender leans over, struggling to see his dad’s face, his petite palms covering Jed’s forehead. “What dat mean, Dad?”
“Paybacks are a…”
Martha cuts off her son, placing her hand on his back, ushering him down the hall. “Paybacks are dandy. That’s what your dad was going to say.”
“But why?” Fender’s voice trails off down the hall.
Their voices grow muted. I run my palm over the enormous log table, enjoying the melody of a family within a loving home. My head spins, making me sick from the dizziness…how did I find myself here? I’m a broken record on repeat, unable to believe what is happening.
“I can do this. I will do this,” I whisper to myself. “Thank you, Bentley, for teaching me how to be brave.”
I busy myself with putting away the dried dishes. It’s a jigsaw puzzle of sorts, pulling open and closing the cabinet doors over and over until I find the correct spot. I leave a few items on the embroidered terry cloth, not having the slightest clue where they belong.
With the dining room clear, I take a seat back at the well-loved dining room table. It’s evident this table has grown with the Bryant boys. Shallow lines cover the surface, and I imagine it’s been from over the years of hours of homework and family dinners.
I glance over to see Jed walking toward me. He has his head down but a big grin plastered on his face. His stride is powerful as he nears me and settles next to me. His hand in mine. It seems it’s our solace of comfort. So much can be told in a simple touch versus talking in circles. God knows I do enough of that in my head.
Caleb and Luke have been settled in the living room with longnecks, watching an old tape of a football game, arguing over the plays. It’s funny to listen to the two men go over and over the same play, arguing their tactics.
Jed shakes his head and glances over to me. “Those two will talk football until they’re blue in the face.”
“Caleb gets his love of football from your dad?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“Noticed from the pictures Caleb seems to love the sport.”
Jed nods. “He does.”
“And you got your singing from your mom?” I ask, on a wild guess.
“Sure did. How’d you know?”
“She hummed and sang songs the whole time while serving dinner.”
A reminiscent smile ghosts Jed’s face. “Has always been that way. When we were little, she’d pull out her old vinyls. Patsy Cline being her all-time favorite.”
“It was fishing in my house all because of my Papa Wally. Well, fishing and Army. That’s how I was raised.”
“Look at us learning more and more about each other in a few seconds.” He leans over and kisses my forehead.
The man has been through hell and back today, facing one of his biggest fears. “Look at us go.” I climb in his lap and kiss his cheek, rubbing the back of his neck, trying to ease the tension out.
“How do you feel about everything that went down tonight?”
“It was horrible. I’ll be honest, Marlee, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. When he started crying and wrapped his arms around my neck, my whole world shattered.”
“I’m sorry, Jed. I can’t imagine what that was like.”
He opens up, pouring out every single detail about his future and his battle with cancer. Jed’s rock hard exterior of armor shatters right before my eyes with me wrapped up in his muscular arms.
He’s gifted glimpses of it before, but now listening to him talk it’s as if I’m the cancer patient and he’s the doctor telling me exactly what to expect. He hasn’t talked much about it, but it’s obvious it’s been on his mind twenty-four seven.
I learned that Jed is going to have his appendix removed and then will endure chemotherapy. I try to keep focused as he rattles on about the treatment. I do my best to absorb each piece of information even though I have no background information to ground to.
“Going to be hard, Marlee.” He chuckles, it’s a nervo
us one. “Yeah, hard is an understatement; it’s going to be fucking hell. My own personal lot in hell.”
“Yes, it will be.” I cling to him, wrapping my arms tight around his neck.
I still have no idea how this love story happened overnight, but it did. A higher force brought two broken and shattered souls together at a time where we needed it the most. Me on the end of a bottle and Jed fighting for his life and yet we discovered one another.
Hell, I don’t know if I’m in love. But I do know this man needs to be in my life, and I will be there rain or shine…anxiety be damned.
“You will get through it. Look at this support you have around you. Your parents remind me so much of mine it makes me homesick. My life before the accident happened, I could do anything with the love and encouragement of my family. Man, I could attack anything and get through whatever I wanted because of the love from them, Jed. And you have that here in spades. And now me.”
I squeeze my eyes tight, knowing this isn’t going to be the easiest of topics to bring up. I haven't spoken about them to anyone, about the demons that lie in my body, until now.
“I haven’t been behind the wheel of a car since that night. I’ve only ridden in cars when it was the last resort. And that’s been barely a handful of times. But listening to you tell Fender that I will be by his side in Boise, made me believe. Didn’t take me two seconds to think about it. I will climb into a car and be there for you and your family and especially for Fender. You have no idea how much you’re forcing me to live. I use the word forcing loosely because I haven’t had to think about it. It’s natural.” I take a long pull of oxygen in. “You always hear about those stories where during the first kiss someone’s skin tingles and zaps with electricity. A current so strong it’s undeniable. I don’t believe in that. From the first time I saw you, my body buzzed with intrigue and excitement. It was meant to be. I will be at your treatments if you want me there, by your hospital bed, or taking care of Fender if that’s what you want, I am there, no questions asked.”
Jed’s lips connect in a quick kiss, only to be separated from the cheering and hollering from the living room. We both laugh, our lips vibrating at the crazy antics of his father and brother.
“Jed.” I cup his cheeks, my favorite place to be. “I’m going to go before the sun goes down.”
His hands snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him. The grip he has on me is damn near painful. “Stay here tonight. Stay with me. I need you.”
It would be easy to drown in those words, swimming in their ecstasy, but I can’t.
I shake my head. “Jed…”
I stop mid-sentence to study his beautiful, handsome, rugged face unable to keep my fingers from trailing down his prominent jawline. The light whiskers on his face tickle the pads of my fingers.
“I can’t, Jed. I love it here, and I love your family, and I obviously love spending time with you. But tonight, Fender needs you. Your parents will be here, and you need to love on that little boy with all you have. I don’t want to interrupt that. I’ll be back here bright and early in the morning.”
His face falls in defeat. “With your peach pie? It was delicious.”
I manage a feeble smile. I see the moment he understands what I’m trying to say. And he nods his head.
“I’ll walk you out to your bike. I don’t like that you’re riding so close to sunset.”
Jed leads me outside the house. I understand his worry, and I probably should’ve left ten minutes earlier if I’m honest with myself. I was lost in the moment. It’s going to take everything inside me to pry myself away from this man, who I crave and hunger. He consumes me.
Once we reach the porch, he grabs my hips, pulling me to him, guiding my hands up around his neck. And whispers in my ear. “Dance with me, Marlee.”
I turn my head to the side and grin like a fool. “Are you using my lines on me?”
He gives me a jerk of his chin. “Yes, I am. I’d still be hungover as hell or who knows, cracking open another bottle of Jamison if you hadn’t saved me last night. You made me move and use my voice to let some of the pain and anger seep out. God gave you.”
I can’t help it. A bubble of laughter escapes me. Jed scrunches his eyebrows in confusion.
“Did you just use a country song on me?”
His cheeks deepen with a light pink hue. “Blake’s always been a pain in my ass. He’s a good guy, but the bastard is always on my tail. And now I just used his line on the woman I’m falling fast and hard in love with.”
“Must know what he’s doing.” I smirk.
Before I know it, a song is playing on his phone. And it isn’t Blake. It seems Jed has some jokes in him after a day from hell. Miranda Lambert’s “Pushin’ Time” begins to play. The song right away strikes me in the gut with soulful words and the ache in her voice. Miranda is packing a punch with each word she sings.
Our bodies meld together easy as we sway. There couldn’t be a better song that fits us to perfection. Jed’s hand goes up to the back of my hair. I squeeze my eyes, knowing our love happened overnight.
“I think we found our song, baby.” Jed’s lips graze across mine.
“Yes,” I whisper.
We get lost in the lyrics of the song, swaying back and forth. Our lips are a breath away, but never touch. Our eye contact never breaks either. It’s a constant. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I’m staring into my future.
The last chords of the song fade out. Silence wraps around us. “Hound Dog” by Elvis starts up, and we both erupt into laughter.
30
“What I love most about this crazy life is the adventure of it.”
-Juliette Binoche
Every day is a new beginning. I’ve heard it used often, but now understand the magic of it. The Keurig hums to life, the sweet aroma of coffee is filling the air. I lick my lips, wishing like hell I had my favorite coffee date here. It all started out with a simple cup of hot coffee, sitting in silence.
I pull on my flannel button up shirt and pick up Hope’s pink blanket, bringing it to my face. I kiss it and then tuck it away up in the cupboard safe on Bentley’s faded Army shirt. They’ll always be a part of me.
Guy’s whining at the door ready to get out and chase birds. I throw it open, greeted by the chilly, fresh morning air and gasp. Not from the cold breeze, but the man perched on my picnic table. Black long sleeve Henley, backward ball cap, aviators, and those dimples that would light up anyone’s world.
“Jed,” I whisper.
He smiles. He inches off the table and strides to me. “I had to come.”
“I see that.” I bring the mug to my lips, blowing on it. “Fender?”
“Mom declared it Nana day. She has crafts and all kinds of crap for him.”
“You smell like syrup.” I lean forward and brush my lips over his.
He’s standing on the first step. I like this advantage.
“French toast.”
“You’re a momma’s boy, aren’t you?”
“Through and through.” His arms wrap around my thighs until he’s palming both of my ass cheeks.
There are no more barriers between us. All of my walls have crumbled down, leaving just us. I want him, not only in my life but involved in every aspect of it.
“Want to come in?” I run my free hand over his shoulder.
“You sure?” He pulls me closer, squeezing my ass. “You don’t have to.”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
I don’t give him the chance to answer me. My lips are on his. I juggle the cup of coffee in one hand while tugging on his shirt, doing my best to walk backward. The small of my back hits the counter. Jed takes the coffee mug from my hand and places it down. Our hands go wild, tugging and tearing at each other’s clothes. We trip over our own feet as Jed backs me up to the bed. We fall together tangled up, breathing heavy and urgent for so much more.
Jed has me stripped naked then kneels up and unzips his jeans. He’s a breathtaki
ng sight I’ll never grow old of drinking in. His arms flex as he plants his elbows down on the bed. He holds me as if I’m fragile and delicate as he sinks in.
“Kiss me,” I whisper. “Make love to me.”
I continue rambling on until he covers my mouth with his. Chills coupled with pleasure prickle and nip at my skin. He moves slow and steady, building up the pleasure with each movement. My hands tug on his hair, pulling him closer and deeper. I lock my ankles right above his ass, wanting more. Demanding more and Jed gives it. Our gentle lovemaking spins out of control. Something snaps inside of Jed. He rises above me. My lips immediately miss the feel of his on mine. I don’t have long to grieve because my breath is taken away. Jed slams into me over and over. I close my eyes and scream out his name as it all becomes too much. I’m blinded by the orgasm that strikes me hard.
His large palms go to the back of my thighs, gripping them tightly and then pulling them up. Jed hitches both of my legs flat against his chest, resting both of my feet on one of his shoulders. One of his hands wraps around my ankles, holding them in place.
The change in position makes my head spin. His other hand drifts down along my stomach and up to my breast. He rolls my aching nipple between his fingers and I’m right on the edge of a steep cliff, ready to fall with him.
Each grueling thrust is loyal and grows frantic. Jed bites down on his bottom lip, snaps his eyes shut, and throws back his head. Even though I’m falling into a deep pool of ecstasy, we both reach our height at the same time. Jed growls low and husky, milking out each ounce of pleasure.
Silent seconds tick by before my body cushions him falling forward. His body weight is only on me for a quick beat before he rolls us to our sides. I brush away the hair from his face.
“Best coffee date yet.” I let my fingers trail down his jawline.
“It ain’t over.” Jed squeezes my ass.
“I like the sound of that.”