I laugh. “Right! I’m sure you told him that, too! Fuck! You and Duquesne are fucking stupid, falling for that shit!”
Going to the living room, I snatch my hat from the floor as I hear scurrying behind me.
I turn around, and as she pulls up her shorts, she shrieks, “How could you say those things to me?”
“How could you say that…shit…to me, especially after I begged you not to leave me, after I…” Glaring at her, I yank the front door open. “Fuck! I can’t even trust you! You wrecked what we had!”
“How? We had an actual fucking friendship! It was based on sex! You never wanted anything more!”
I bitterly laugh, shaking my head. “Don’t you get it? You said I didn’t notice you taking me on dates, but did you even notice I’ve been dating you? Fuck, no! We were together in every sense of the word! In a fucking relationship! As a damn couple, just like you wanted! But it seems that all you really wanted was the fucking label! A place card!” I yank my hat on and impart, “Well, you can label us as over.”
Her hands go to her face as she shudders. Muffled, she says, “God! I shouldn’t have told you!” She whips her head up. “The fucking label didn’t matter! You didn’t even want a future with me! That’s what I wanted!”
“Future? I barely got through the past with you, and now, I can’t even stand having you in my present.”
She sadly shakes her head, saying to the floor. “I wanted you to love me.” She coughs and cries, “You’re smashing my heart all over again!”
“Oh, yeah, because I broke it in high school! We’ll get some damn Scotch tape and move on!”
“You fucking asshole!”
Clamping my hands into fists, I shout, “I’m the asshole? You fucking broke my heart in high school, but you never even noticed or cared! I fucking wanted you! Every goddamned day! It was torture! Yet, you rejected me every single time, like you fucking enjoyed it! Being with you has been Hell on Earth!”
She wraps her arms around her stomach and falls to her knees, but all I see is blind fury. “Why don’t you get one of your new best friends to help you get your license? I bet they’ll be all over that shit, since they like charity cases!”
She screeches to the floor, “Get out!”
“Gone!”
As I slam the front door, I hear her scream, “I hate you!”
I storm down to the Nissan, and my hand shakes as I start the car, but my foot has no problem stomping on the gas, as I back out of the driveway, and speed out of the complex.
Unfortunately, my resolve crumbles as soon as I hit the road, and I automatically drive straight to the park, since I have nowhere else to go. Pulling into the furthest spot at the first lot, I throw the car into park, and lean back as my hands shove beneath my hat, lifting it. The howl that follows is unexpected and mind numbing, and so are the tears.
Like a goddamned baby, I fucking bawl at a park. In my grandmother’s car.
But a robot does that kind of shit.
Right?
CHAPTER 28
My phone flashes and buzzes with another missed call. Picking it up, I stuff it into the nightstand drawer. My dad or fucking Calder. After nearly two weeks of being back in Philly, they still won’t leave me the hell alone.
After my blubberfest at the park, I went to my grandmother’s to dump the Nissan, and then to my dad’s to throw all my shit into my car before he got home from work. I did leave him a note, but apparently, that wasn’t sufficient. He’s been threatening to come up here, but I told him I needed some time to get used to Philly on my own before I start work, and I loathe goodbyes. I’m good at making up excuses.
Staring out at the skyscrapers isn’t as cool as I thought it’d be. I hate being in my own bed now, but it’s better than sleeping on the couch. It’s somewhat easier with the comforter shoved into the closet. I don’t need that as a ball and chain around my fucking neck.
Fuck…
The last time I was with Kat won’t leave my brain. I can’t stop thinking about her. These past couple weeks haven’t been time to reflect and recharge. They’ve been to crash and burn. This pain is nothing like I’ve experienced before, and I’ve experienced a lot of pain, even burning my hand, setting fires. I’m not only suffering through the pain she caused me, but through the pain I caused her. I feel it. I just don’t understand it. Why would she want to run further away? I’d see her every weekend, which reminds me of my sister and her situation with Finn. Jesus. I feel like I’ve stumbled into The Twilight Zone.
I gave in. I admitted to Kat that we were together. As much as I hate the term boyfriend, I was in fact her boyfriend. I just didn’t call myself that, make it official with her, or broadcast our relationship. Though friend didn’t seem to express what she was to me, but neither did anything else I could call her. Regardless, how could she not see it? I told her she was mine and I owned her. Yet, I was the one in fucking denial?
When I got here, I thought it’d be my escape, but she’s everywhere. The elevator. On my bed. My couch. The balcony. Every inch of my kitchen. Her torn underwear is in my bathroom.
I hate it.
I miss her.
At first, I tried eating soup and spaghetti because I didn’t want to go out, but I couldn’t finish. I never thought it’d be painful to eat without being sick. I went out for one grocery trip, loading up on beer, crackers, cereal, and frozen dinners and pizzas, but I haven’t eaten much of them, either.
The only other outing I made outside of my apartment was to go to the laundry room on my floor. A blonde and a brunette, one on each trip, tried to make conversation with me, but I didn’t stick around, not interested in their stupid attempts to find out more about me.
I watch some TV, but not really. I keep it on for the noise as I stare at the wall, searching for answers to something I thought didn’t exist, which turns out, still doesn’t.
Nevertheless, I had promised Kat I’d help her get a license, but here I am, going back on my word. But the things I said to her…
The one thing she said to me… Jesus Christ. How can she know that’s what she feels for me? She said it before to guys, even marrying one. Why should I believe her now? That I’m any different? She’ll just move on to the next fucker she marries, telling him the same thing. It’s all a joke.
On the other hand, I feel like shit the way I left things with her. I don’t normally care what I say to people. That’s always been a rule for me. I light the fires…
Yet, she’s always been above the rule. For every damn thing, whether I like it or not.
Throwing the sheet off me, I get up and take a shower. I then throw some clothes into my suitcase and drive straight to my grandmother’s, picking up the Nissan.
When she answers the door in a pink tracksuit, I lean down to kiss her cheek, and she asks, “You’re back?”
I fold my fingers over my other fisted hand. “Yeah. I had to go to Philadelphia for a couple weeks.”
She nods, her gray hair bouncing, but her gaze is skeptical. “Your dad said you left, but didn’t say why. Work?”
“No. Not yet. Just had to get some things done.”
Again, she nods, but it doesn’t match her expression. “Did your friend get her license yet?”
I maintain a calm as she studies me. “Uh, no. Dash has been helping her.” Shit. I hope.
She doubtfully laughs. “Dash? That boy barely looks old enough to be driving a car himself and he’s helping someone else?”
I laugh for the first time in weeks. “Yeah. Probably not the best person to help her.”
My grandmother nods to the driveway. “Do you need my car?”
“Yeah. Is it okay? I can take you somewhere if you need to—”
She waves me off. “Oh, I don’t care.” She then looks at me with a smile. “You’re a good kid, Jared. You always have been. I never worry about you.”
“Um.” Looking away, I swallow as I shove my hands into my pockets, and mumble, “Thanks.” Maybe she
should worry because I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
She leaves me at the door to go into the kitchen. When she comes back with the keys, she says, “I want to see a picture of her holding her license when she gets it. What’s her name again? Kate?”
“Kat.”
She nods. “What’s that short for?”
I swallow again and hoarsely reply, “Katriona.” Fuck. Saying that crushes my chest, making it challenging to breathe.
“What a pretty name.” She tilts her head as she dangles the keys for me. “She’s not just your friend, is she?”
I hold out my hand and without thinking, I reply, “I don’t even know anymore.”
She drops the keys and says, “You’re such a bright boy. I think you do.”
I squeeze the keys in my hand and clear my throat. “Thanks for the car, Grandma.”
She smiles as she watches me teeter on the edge of losing it. “Any time.”
I hurriedly escape to put my suitcase in the trunk of the Nissan, but hesitate before opening the driver’s side door, readying myself for the inevitable, yet sweet torture. However, when I get behind the wheel, although her scent is fainter, the torture isn’t so sweet after what transpired last time we were together.
Chomping my lip to stave off another blubber bash, I start the car, unsure of driving to where I shouldn’t go, but ultimately deciding that it’s exactly where I need to be, I head to the construction.
When I get out of the car, Lange sees me as he gets out of his truck. “There you go again, disappearing on me.” He laughs. “Your boy, you know, the little rug rat, has been looking around for you for days. He’s lost without you.”
I nod with an uncertain smile. “Yeah? He’s somewhat dramatic.”
His laughter dies and he asks, “Are you okay? You look like hell warmed over.”
Leaning against the door of the Nissan, I try to joke. “I’ll still beat your ugly ass in Tony’s beauty pageant.”
“True, but there must be something going around. Tony’s sister looks sick, too.”
My lame smile falls completely. “She does?” I look to the yard, but don’t see her.
“Yep. She’s pale. Maybe it’s her normal hair making her look so sick, or she drank poisoned coffee. I don’t know.” He shrugs and laughs. “Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen, but that was before I went to lunch.”
“Okay. Thanks.” Digging my hands into my pockets, I head up the walkway, looking around for Kat or Dash, but seeing neither, and since it’s a weekday, my dad or Brenda aren’t around, either. Thank Christ.
Going into the foyer, I peer into the living room and then to the dining room, but no Kat or Dash. The house seems rather empty due to it being lunchtime, but I still check the kitchen. When I look in, I see the back of a gray T-shirt, draped with a brown ponytail, hunched over the far counter.
As I walk to the center island, I stare at Kat, not knowing what to say or how she’ll react when I do say it. However, I don’t have to say anything because she turns around first. Squealing in fright, her hand flies to her chest, but a scowl soon takes the place of her surprise.
Her hair casts a darkness over her face, making her look paler than I had imagined, and the dark circles under her eyes are more pronounced than the last time I saw her this sick looking. She’s not even hiding it with makeup. Regardless, Kat is the most beautiful…woman…I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.
“What are you doing here, Jared?” She glances past me and grips the counter behind her, as if to prop herself up.
Keeping my distance on the other side of the island, I say, “I, uh, wanted to see how your driving is going.”
Kat frowns more. “Really? You came all the way from Philadelphia to ask me that? You could’ve texted me.” She shrugs and looks down. “Not that I would’ve answered.”
“I wanted to see you, Kat.” In spite of saying that, every time we make eye contact we both look away, which flares the pain in the pit of my stomach and in the center of my chest.
“Why? I was under the impression you never wanted to see me again.” When her eyes flicker to me, they glisten, but I see her gritting her teeth.
I shake my head with a regretful smirk. “Yeah. I had that impression from you, too.”
As her sparkling eyes hover over me, she says, “You look tired and thinner.”
“So do you.”
She shrugs and looks to the counter. “I’m finished with my driving hours.”
“You are?”
“Yes. Dash and my mom have kept me going.”
I sigh. “Yeah. About that…”
Her eyes and voice both bite at me. “Why do you care anyway? I’m only a charity case.”
Not taking my eyes from hers, I swallow my pride. Hard. “I should never have said that. I truly didn’t mean it.”
“You always mean what you say.” Shit. She did say that before.
“No. Not always.”
“Like when you said that you were my boyfriend, but now we’re over?” Her voice catches and she looks to the island, clearing her throat as her eyes shine heavier with tears.
I shake my head. “I meant the first part of that.”
“God. I have no idea what to believe, since you said…so much.”
I sigh. “I’ve been finding I don’t say nearly what I really do want to say to you.”
She shakes her head at the floor. “I get it. I fucked up by not seeing what we were. I was so focused on certain things I hoped would change, that I missed what was right in front of me.”
“Kat, don’t—”
“But even so, I started realizing that it still couldn’t work if we did become a…couple.” She sniffs and crosses her arms. “I wanted to be your girlfriend, desperately, but I can’t change what you want, or don’t want, out of life and we would’ve broken up anyway.”
Irritated by her faulty notions, I lick my lips and demand, “And how do you know all that?”
She glances up at me. “Everything that you told me that evening over dinner, about never getting married or having kids. And from the way you act with Dash and Rio. You’re so obstinate. You’ve lived your life a certain way and you believe in things wholeheartedly. You’re not a force to be reckoned with, Jared. I thought maybe I could try, but I knew I couldn’t take you on. Yet, I went along for the whirlwind, and I was blown to pieces. It was my own fault.”
“I… I didn’t… I’m sorry.” That’s all I can say before my voice box ceases to work.
“You don’t have to apologize for your beliefs or the way you want to live your life.”
I gruffly say, “I’m not. I’m apologizing for hurting you. I said things I shouldn’t have.”
“It is what it is, really, and I fell hard.” She gasps, but quickly recovers. “I just have to get back up.”
I slowly inch my way around the large island, stalking her. “Kat, what about you? You said some…things…too. You’re leaving.”
She backs away with every step I take. “Next summer. I still have until then here, if I do get the job.”
I feel my muscles tighten everywhere. “But you’ll look elsewhere down there, won’t you?”
“I need to move on. I told you why I can’t stay here.” She swallows a small whimper and closes her eyes as she bumps into a counter.
I narrow mine at her. “We’ll stop fucking then.”
Her eyes fly open and she looks to the doorway, compelling me to check, too, but not caring if there were someone there. Turning back to her, she asks me, “Would we, really? We couldn’t even stop when we were fighting! How would this work then? You’d come home on the weekends, and we’d what, go see a movie and have dinner? We’d kiss goodnight, and then you’d sleep at your dad’s? We’re not in high school anymore!”
I growl, “I know that.”
“I don’t understand you! You’re now okay with me being your girlfriend, but you don’t want us to have a future.”
“Isn’t tomorrow tec
hnically the future?”
She shakes her head as she slides along the counter across from me. “You know what I’m saying, Jared.”
“There you go again making assumptions and missing the point, Kat,” I seethe as I move closer. “And now you’re going to leave.”
“But you’re leaving to live in Philadelphia.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
Kat shouts, “You already did! You said I was your girlfriend, we fucked, and then you said we’re over!”
Glaring at her, I snap, “There was more to it than that!”
Looking to the door as she moves away from me, Kat lowers her voice. “I shouldn’t have said what I did, either.”
“You didn’t mean it?” I clench my teeth as I shadow her.
She whips her head to me. “Does it matter? You were so upset that I did!”
I ask again, “Did you mean it?”
As she approaches the end of the counter, she anxiously says, “Jared, I can’t do this again with you.”
I’m determined to get to the truth. “Was it true?”
She wipes her cheeks as we stop, staring at each other in a showdown. “I have to go home.”
“Answer me.”
“I said I’m not doing this!” She goes to leave, but I block her.
Peering down at her, I angrily ask, “So you’re just going to move on without me? Date other guys?”
“I’ll have to!”
“Are you fucking serious? You’re dating me!”
“You broke up with me!” she cries, attempting to dodge past me again; however, I’m faster. Still trapped, she says, “Like you said before, relationships don’t work! So why are you holding onto me?”
“Why can’t you answer my fucking questions?”
She splutters, “You can’t even answer mine, and because I don’t want to fight anymore!”
I bitterly laugh. “Who’s fighting?”
“You’re so mad at me again! I’m trying to let you live your life! I won’t be around to be that burden!” She gasps and mumbles, “That ball and chain.” Fuck me.
The Keys to Jericho Page 57