Dad slides off the couch and kneels next to my chair. “It’s okay, bud.”
Staring at Rio, I continue to shake my head, and repeat, “No.”
Dad says, “We all know. We’re all here to help you.”
“You don’t know shit,” I growl to all of them. Rio purses his lips and glances at the coffee table.
Dad takes a shaky breath and I automatically look at him, seeing his eyes dampen. “Jared, you’re in love with Kat.”
I bark, “Shut your damn mouth!”
Ignoring my outburst, he says, “I know you have a hard time trusting women, but I see the look in your eyes when you’re with her. It’s undeniable.”
I put my forehead into my hand, close my eyes and seethe, “You see nothing.”
“Jared, you need to face this.”
I sourly scoff, “I don’t need to do shit.”
Dash mournfully says, “You’ll lose her to someone else, Jericho.”
Cautiously lifting my gaze, I see Dash wiping his eyes and I want to roll mine or throttle him. He’s always been the weepy type.
Instead, I irritably grumble, “Jesus, Calder. Get a damn grip.”
Dad asks, “Why can’t you accept it? You’ve never believed in it, but you found that it does exist because you found it with her.”
I laugh in disdain. “Oh. Right. So it exists? Bullshit. I’m just her next victim.”
My dad sighs, while Dash says, “Jericho. How can you say that? She would never hurt you.”
I angrily sneer, “Dash, you know nothing about our past or present. You all must think I’m a chump, believing in this shit. She’s been down that road before, so it’s not her first ride on the marriage-go-round. Look how that turned out for her!”
Dad says, “Kat thought she had the love she wanted. She made a mistake and she corrected it.”
“Really? Like you should have? Hadley and I were a mistake, right?”
“No. I’d do it all over again just to have you two.”
“Why would you do that?”
He leans his elbow onto the arm of the chair, burrowing his fingers into his hair. “Because you two mean the world to me. You’ve kept me alive.”
I mutter, “Christ, Dad. You need a hobby.”
Looking to Rio, who hasn’t given much of a reaction, I snap, “What, Duquesne? You fucking don’t believe all this bullshit about me, do you?”
With his blue eyes on me, he steadily says, “You love her, Jare.”
Holy fuck.
I shake my head because that’s all I know to do. “Huh-uh. Fuck, no.” I again glance at him for a smile, or any indication he’s joking, but he isn’t. I know better. Rio Duquesne has always been my rock. My voice of reason. He always puts out my fires.
Still, they all have to be fucking delusional. I thought maybe I was developing…those kinds of feelings…but Kat didn’t notice, so I thought I had been mistaken.
This can’t be happening. I never in my worst fucking nightmares had imagined my personal plight would be displayed for all to see.
Leaning forward, my hands go into my hat and I anxiously fluff my hair, jostling my hat back and forth. Closing my eyes, I try to focus on nothing, and not the darkness suddenly falling over me.
My dad asks, “Are you okay?” No, I’m not fucking okay! I’m hanging onto the edge of a cliff and my fingers are slipping. I can’t hold on anymore.
Dash says, “Jericho, you need to talk to us.”
Opening my eyes, I glare at the coffee table because I can’t bear for them to see the depth of my humiliation. I tightly ask, “And why in the fuck would I do that, Dash? After you and Rio both have stuck knives into my back?”
Dash shouts, “I didn’t tell Kat to leave! Why don’t you get that? But really, why should she stay? You told her there isn’t a future for you two!”
“Of course, she tells you everything! You’re only upset because you won’t have her around to blab everything!”
“You told me I couldn’t be friends with her anymore!”
“Because you tell her all kinds of shit about me! I can’t trust you!”
“Not true because you don’t tell me shit about you!” He indignantly laughs and asks, “You want to know why I call you Jericho? Bible school. That year, fifth grade was it, when we did a skit about the city of Jericho and its walls falling down? Yeah, that’s you—Jericho. The name is similar to yours and it fits perfectly. How crazy is that? At 10 years old, you were closed off! You’re surrounded by walls to keep out everyone! You don’t tell Rio and me anything! Hell! I know more about Rio than I know about you, and I’ve known you most of my life!”
I peer over at him and he wipes his face again, more calmly saying, “It took trumpets to bring down Jericho’s walls. That’s why we’re here. We’ve brought the trumpets, Jared, and those walls of yours are coming down.”
Leaning my face into my hands, trying to compose myself, I garble, “Not likely. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Rio says, “I know you have a lot of hurt you’re carrying around. Despite you thinking I’m abandoning you, I’m not. We’ll still get together and we’ll talk as usual. I’m here for you, Jare, but stop blaming Liberty. Your war with her ends now. It’s my decision to go, so lay off her with the accusations. Just as it’s Kat’s decision to leave. Maybe if you talk to her and tell her how you feel, she’ll move to Philly to be with you.”
Over my fingertips, I snap, “Yeah. I tried that.”
Seemingly shocked, Dash asks, “What?”
I scornfully laugh at his reaction. “Oh, she didn’t tell you that? I thought she told you everything, Calder. I suggested she move to Philly. She won’t.”
Still sitting next to my chair on the floor, Dad hangs his wrist over his bent knee, looking up at me. “You asked Kat to move in with you?”
I sigh. “I didn’t necessarily say with me, but at least to the same city. She doesn’t want to teach or drive in Philly.”
Rio says, “Maybe if you told her how you feel…”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t know the half of it, Duquesne.”
He says, “You need to talk to Kat. She might change her mind about moving there. Lay out your feelings to her. Kat loves you.”
Dad gasps and I glance at him as he rubs his hand over his mouth, but I don’t comment on his reaction. Instead, I grumble, “She told me.”
Dash loudly sighs and my dad asks, “She did? Jared. You need to tell her how you feel, too.”
Dropping my hands, I furiously shake my head. “For what reason, Dad? In the end, it’s all bullshit! A fucking sham!”
Rio asks, “What’s holding you back from loving her, Jare?”
Dash says, “You have a heart somewhere in there. We all know it.”
I explode, “Because I’m a fucking asshole, as you’ve all witnessed firsthand! I’m a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve a damn thing from her! There! You all happy now?”
My dad roars, “Jared Adam Beckett!” Trifecta.
Dash squeals, “Jericho!”
Dad gets up on his knees, so that we’re nearly face to face, and he grabs my arm, shaking it. “Why would you say that? You aren’t worthless!”
“Really? Even after I betrayed your daughter?”
“What?”
Tucking my hands onto the back of neck, I bow my head. “God. Hadley’s best friend Blair. Remember her?”
“Yeah…”
I whip my head up and shout, “When I was 13, I fucked her!”
I unwillingly glance to Rio and Dash, who I only told I had lost it to some girl in high school when I was 16 and that I forgot her name, providing no other details than those lies.
The quiet, yet judging, room becomes blurry as my eyes begin to drown, but I do notice my dad sitting back, and his disappointment nearly strangles me. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I wipe my eyes and cheeks dry before my shame is also on display.
Stunned, he says, “Jared… You were 1
3 and having sex? I… What did… How? Dear God.” I hear his sniffing and I bury my eyes behind my hand as the tears come faster. I don’t want to hear my father’s devastation, realizing his son is a bigger fuck-up than he thought.
“She was 17 or 18! Did she…hit on you?”
I clear my throat, but it still cracks. “She knocked on my door after you and Hadley were asleep one night when she was staying over. I was drunk. She sat on my bed, talking to me, before she unexpectedly kissed me. Her hands roamed over my legs. Jesus Christ. Do you really need to know more?”
He swipes at his eyes and I say, “Hadley doesn’t know that her brother is a fucking lowlife. Not only did her boyfriend Max cheat on her with her best friend, but the same best friend was also fucking me!”
“Jared, no! You were only a kid! A baby!”
“Don’t tell me that, Dad! I still did it! Hadley and I used to be best friends! Not after that! I still can’t look at her without the guilt! I’m fucking garbage for doing that to my sister!” I feverishly wipe my face, but I can’t stop my sudden gasping for air.
“You are not garbage! This girl was older and you were too young to think of the consequences! You could’ve gotten her pregnant! At 13! And you were drinking. God…”
“I know.” I sniff and hoarsely say, “I didn’t realize that then, but she did, not until afterward, though. She complained about forgetting that I could knock her up. After the first time, she brought me condoms.”
Behind his fisted mouth, he mumbles, “Jesus, Jared. It was more than once?”
I nod. “About once a week. I got better at it.” I bite my lip as I inhale. “So we’d squeeze in a quickie here and there when Hadley was busy with something. It went on until Blair moved to college late that summer. I was 14 by then. Hadley found out about Max and Blair sometime in her freshman year, but not about Blair and me.”
Dad is at a loss for words and he stammers, “I… You… What the hell? Christ, Jared! How did I not…?”
Trying not to completely lose it, I take a deep breath before saying, “Don’t blame it all on yourself, Dad. When Blair kissed me, I let her, and she showed me what to do. I needed to do it. Not because I was horny or even wanted to. In fact, I had no damn idea what I was doing, and it was awkward and not fun. Yet, it made me feel better in a different way. I needed to purge that bitch from my life once and for all.”
I inhale another shaky breath, as Dad closes his eyes and warily asks, “Who, Jared?”
I tearfully whisper, “Her. I wanted to get rid of the innocence she gave me.”
My dad sobbingly utters, “Fuck,” and that’s a harsh reality check of his thoughts.
Leaning back, my hands go to my face as I fucking bawl again, but this time, in front of my dad, who hasn’t seen me cry since I was a little kid, and two people who haven’t seen me cry yet. Behind my hands, I brokenly mutter, “I’m so sorry I’m such a fuck-up, Dad.”
I vaguely hear Dash’s blubbering again, which doesn’t help mine.
“No, Jared.” His voice is closer to me and he grabs my arm. “Don’t do that! You’re my son! I love you!”
“Jesus,” I garble and shake harder.
“Don’t ever think I don’t love you. We all make mistakes. Look at my mistakes! I was an alcoholic and a workaholic. Beer was always around, but I wasn’t. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. If I had known about what was going on with you, I would’ve stopped it. You must resent me for not noticing.”
I shake my head at the floor, wiping my eye on my arm. “I never hated you, Dad. I was grateful you didn’t leave us.”
“I’ll always be here for my kids. No matter how old you are.”
Rio says a quiet, “Wow.”
Sitting up, I yell at all three, “So, no! As much as I want to, I can’t love someone when I fucking hate myself, and I can’t trust women!”
Amid my dad’s and Dash’s sniveling, Rio says, “You made a mistake, but you were a kid who didn’t really know better or fully understand the repercussions. She was an older girl, so she does have more accountability in this. And as for falling in love with Kat? You can’t stop it, Jare, and you do deserve her love, as she deserves yours. You’re miserable without each other.”
Dash woefully says, “You can trust her. She’s your soulmate, Jericho.”
I shake my head and rub my fist across my cheek. “I broke up with her. That’s why I left town.”
Dash says, “Damn, Jericho. So you were together?” He laughs. “Rio and I knew you were. Shit. We also knew you were in love with her. On the boardwalk, I saw you holding her hand. I nearly lost it, I was so excited.”
My dad says, “I suspected you were together, but it wasn’t apparent until I saw you kissing at Brenda’s.”
Rio smiles, but makes no mention that he saw us on the boardwalk kissing, too.
I shrug. “I guess Kat didn’t catch on to any of it.” I take off my hat and toss it onto the coffee table, anxiously running my hands through my hair. “She doesn’t want me anymore. We had another argument earlier about her leaving and I told her…” Numbly staring at the table, remembering what I said, an unexpected moan chokes me and I sob. I know they’re all watching me lose it, and I feel disgraced that they’ve been a part of, as well as witnesses, to my deconstruction.
Dash says, “I heard.”
My dad asks, “Heard what?”
“I can’t say if Jericho doesn’t want me to.”
“Jesus,” I mutter behind my hand. I bow my head, quietly admitting, “I told Kat I’d get her pregnant.”
Always the judicious one, Rio dubiously asks, “Just so she’ll stay? Jare, you can’t—”
Looking up at him, I reply, “No. I told her that because I meant it. It wasn’t some gimmick to get her to stay.”
My dad starts crying again and I grind my teeth together so I don’t, but it does nothing.
Rio asks, “How would that work out, though? She’ll be moving to Virginia.”
I tearfully yell, “I know that, Rio! I don’t know how it’d work, but I’d make it work somehow! But she keeps trying to find an escape! She doesn’t realize how… Fuck.” I rest my hand on my clasped hands and sob, yet again. I’ve never cried so much in all of my despondent, fucking life. I thought I had turned off all my emotions. Shit. I suck at everything.
Sounding confused, my dad says, “I didn’t know you and Kat were…that close yet.”
Not wanting to share those details about Kat and me, I nod and only say, “We were close.”
He sighs. “Oh, Christ. I knew it. I had a feeling.”
Thankfully, Dash or Rio don’t enlighten him on how they found out how close Kat and I were, either.
Dash says, “You need to tell Kat the truth.”
“About Blair? She knows.”
“No. About your feelings for her. Kat is dying without you. She won’t eat, she can’t sleep, and she won’t talk to me much. Her driving has suffered because she’s not interested in it anymore. She’s been missing classes.”
“She has? I offered to help her. She said her hours are done, but she didn’t mention about missing classes.”
“Yeah. I tried to get her to go, but she’s lost the…drive.” He sadly smiles.
“I promised I’d help her, and I can’t let her down.” I shove a hand into my hair and lean my elbow onto the arm of the chair. “I can’t stand that she’s so eager to distance herself from me.”
Dash says, “Change that. She still has a whole school year left here. How is she really going to avoid you when you’ll be here so much?”
“I can’t force her to see me.”
Rio says, “She knows you don’t want a relationship with her.”
“But we’ve been in one! Why can’t she see that? She’s the one who has been pushing it onto me! I finally go with it, tell her she’s been my girlfriend, but she said we’re nothing! Do you know how much that killed me?”
Rio asks, “Did you tell her or did you just assume
she knew?”
I shake my head with a lame shrug. “I thought she’d know, since that’s what she was looking for.”
Dash says, “Yeah, but anytime someone would ask if you’re dating, you’d instantly deny it. I can see where she got mixed signals.”
Rio says, “Damn. I know I’m confused.”
Dash sighs. “I think she was looking for those three words from you.”
I scoff, “How would they change her not wanting to move to Philly or wanting to go somewhere else?”
Rio leans forward. “Kat knows how anti-marriage you are. Come on. Is she supposed to be stuck in dating limbo with you?”
“Christ, Duquesne. I’m either in a dead-end relationship with her, or I’m not and she moves to Virginia. I can’t win.”
“Just tell her and go from there. She needs to know how you feel about her. Actual words this time.”
I roll my eyes and my dad says, “Yes, Jared. Be honest with her. Think about what it’ll be like without her again, and remind her of being without you. Maybe that’ll prompt you both to do some compromising on both ends.”
Rubbing my forehead I ask, “Can I please have some time to myself now? This has been no less than excruciating.”
Dad says, “Yeah. What are you going to do now?”
I stand and say, “Go upstairs. I’m tired. Can I get my suitcase out of the car or will Grandma call the cops?”
Dad smiles. “You’re okay.”
“I’d like to thank all of you for the hell you caused me tonight. And I’d also like to warn you all that if any of this gets repeated to anyone outside of this room, I will personally tie you to a bed, knock out all of your teeth with a crowbar, cut off your dick with a circular saw, and then set you on fire.”
Dash’s mouth drops. “That’s a little too specific for you to just come up with.”
“Yeah. I’ve been daydreaming about it for weeks now.”
Rio gets up and says, “Thank you for the honest conversation.”
Narrowing my eyes, I scowl at him. “Like I had a choice.”
When Rio walks over, he hugs me. “Don’t ever try to get rid of me again. I love you, Jare. And if you complain, I’ll knee you in the balls.”
The Keys to Jericho Page 59