I uncross my arms to rub my nose with my hand. “Just get it over with then.”
“With what?”
I glance at his arms, the ones I loved having around me, and I squeeze my fingers until my nails dig into my hands, causing me pain for a needed diversion. “Whatever it is you want to say. An apology or an excuse. Goodbye or fuck off. Whatever.”
Stopping in front of me, he says, “I’m sorry, Kat.”
Crossing my arms again, I laugh, but it only makes the tears fall. Staring at his tie, I ask, “Does it make you feel better now?”
He faintly shakes his head. “No.”
Looking up at his lips, the ones I kissed with so much love, my heart aches. “Then why are you here?” I ask my unanswered question again.
“Because I missed you.”
An involuntary sob bursts through my mouth and I cover my lips with my hand, while closing my eyes, asking a stifled, “Why?”
“Why did I miss you?” I nod into my hand, keeping my eyes closed. He says, “Because I did.”
Expecting that answer, my eyes open as I drop my hand and laugh, which only causes more tears. “Wow. That’s deep.”
Jared sighs as he thrusts his right hand into his pocket to pull out a metallic object. The sunlight flashes off the metal and he says, “I wanted to give you this when we were in Philly, but I couldn’t find it.”
“What is it?” He hands it to me, and I see that it’s a large key on a keychain.
Looking up at him, he explains, “I bought that for you in high school, for when you got your driver’s license. After your accident, I couldn’t give it to you because it didn’t feel right, so I held onto it.”
I turn the key around in my hand, studying it. It’s a simple, silver skeleton key, but it already means the world to me, and from the thought he put into it, especially all those years ago, is astounding.
I peer up to his worried expression, and I surprise myself by smiling. “Thank you. That’s…so sweet of you. Why’d you keep it all these years?”
His gaze falls to the key. “I always hoped to give it to you, and if I couldn’t, I wanted to hold onto it as a reminder of what I had.” Jared returns his gaze to mine and says, “Or didn’t have and lost anyway.”
I swallow, unable to keep up my defenses or stop my tears, and I whisper, “Jared, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry for being so horrible.”
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Jared shakes his head, his spicy brown hair catching the sunlight. “You haven’t been. I was the one who said some terrible things to you. I should’ve been honest with you from the start. I thought I had been, but it turns out, I’ve never been honest with myself.”
I nod and study his handsome face with fresh stubble, to the newly, but only slightly, shorter hair on his head. “Same here. I screwed up so much.”
He faintly smiles. “We both saw the things we wanted to see, not what was really there.”
“I know.”
Clearing his throat, he lifts his gaze to the interior of the gazebo. “My best friend is getting married here.”
Shocked again in such a short amount of time, my mouth falls open at that bit of news. “Rio and Liberty got engaged? I had no idea! She didn’t even tell me!” I shake my head in surprise, but smile as I peer around the gazebo. “It’s the perfect place.”
“It is.”
When I look back to Jared, he licks his lip before he says, “I learned a lot in this past week that I should’ve known earlier. I tell you everything and you know more about me than anyone. It ruined me to live without you, and when we found each other again, I thought it was a miracle. I just was afraid to acknowledge that.”
“Jared, I—” He doesn’t let me finish my confession about Pennsylvania.
“And I know it’s taken me forever to figure out how I felt about you, but I know it now.”
What?
My heart starts to race, flipping over hurdles, waiting for him to shove me or love me, and now I’m afraid of why he kept Dash here.
I nearly slur over my words, not wanting to really know how he feels anymore. Yet, I still ask, “How do you feel about me?”
Jared narrows his eyes. “You really haven’t noticed? Everyone says it’s obvious.”
Petrified, I whisper, “What is?”
His hands go to the sides of my head, digging into my hair, and his greenish brown eyes anxiously flicker as they search mine. “That I’m fucking in love with you, Kit Kat.”
My heart and world both stop.
I can’t think or speak straight. “You said… You called me a… I can’t believe…” I shake my head, and his arms along with it, to get my bearings. “When I told you I loved you, you flipped out, Jared. How can you say that now? You didn’t believe me, since I was married before.” I shakily wipe the tears from my face, just to make sure I’m not imagining this.
“When you said those words, it was like you slapped me across the face again, only harder. I had thought I had felt…that way…about you, but wasn’t sure until at my apartment, when we were in bed. I said that you mean so much to me, and begged you to stay with me, even after I leave Annapolis. I almost said the actual words to you. I was so damn close, but when you said we still couldn’t be together, it fucking hurt.”
I stare at him, absorbing everything that he just said, but he still goes on. “Over the years, I had been endlessly trying to bury my feelings for you, but they kept coming back and when we found each other again, they became even more powerful. So when you told me you were leaving Annapolis, I finally snapped. I said those things to you. Some were out of rage, but most were out of fear. I didn’t want to feel the pain or…the love.”
“Oh, my God, Jared. I…” I’m again at a loss for what to say, and I blankly stare at him, awestruck by what he just confessed to me, and trying to find the words I want to say in response.
He says, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I wasn’t sure that I was, and the fear became too much.”
“What were you afraid of?”
“Of you rejecting me again.”
“Again?”
He nods and winces. “You didn’t want me in high school.”
“Yes, I did. I told you that I did. I was in love with you, Jared. I meant that. I wanted to be with you, but I thought you were dating that girl and I—”
Jared shakes his head and sighs. “I wasn’t. She was a decoy, Kat. She let me use her as bait to make you jealous. I wanted you to fight for me, but you didn’t.”
I stutter, “W-what? Please say you’re kidding.”
As he looks at me, unsmiling, his gaze quickly falls to the floor.
I laugh, but not because I find it funny. I say, “So instead of us really going out on a date, like you kept asking me, and possibly many after that, you never called me. Never followed through. We were stuck in limbo for two years. And when I thought you gave up on me and moved on with someone else, you were playing a game instead of telling me how you felt?”
He nods at the floor and I step back from him, shouting, “Jesus Christ, Jared! We could’ve been together all this time? Maybe since fucking high school! After you left, I slept with the first guy who paid attention to me—gave him my virginity—wishing it were you, and crying afterward for months because it wasn’t! I went on to marry a guy who I thought could fill the void, but he couldn’t even come close to you! Then when I told you I love you, you threw all this shit back in my face! My failures! I did it all because of the pain I felt for losing you! I may have been on life support after my accident, but I’d rather be put back on that machine instead of dying another painful death over you!”
His eyes huge, he now seems to be the one taken aback. “Kat. Jesus. I didn’t… Fuck, I—” Jared’s phone buzzes, and he slightly jumps, before looking around us as he pulls it from his pocket.
I peer around us, as well, catching my breath and asking, “Dash?”
Jared nods as he sends a text. “I told you he’s here.
” He glances up from the phone. “I didn’t lie to you, and I didn’t murder him. Yet.”
Feeling somewhat calmer having Dash nearby, I abruptly smile as Jared’s phone buzzes again with a response. Looking up at me, he rolls his eyes, while returning his phone to his pocket.
My phone takes its turn vibrating, but I don’t answer it. Lowering my voice, I say, “I thought you were taken, Jared. You were dating her, or so I thought, and I didn’t compare to her. She was so pretty and I wasn’t even in her league. I didn’t have a prayer.”
“You’re wrong. I only wanted you.” He sighs. “Please, Kat, don’t be upset. It’s in the past, I’m—”
“In the past? My past has become my present. I can’t believe this. You were playing a joke on me?”
He fervently shakes his head. “No. I really thought it’d work. For you to flirt with me more, pay more attention to me. For you to tell me you wanted me. I was shy with you, believe it or not. Shy in the sense that I didn’t want you to reject me, so I fucked around instead of being honest with you. I was such a pussy and I didn’t want you to notice.”
I sweep hair and tears off my face, and cross my arms again, striving to comprehend his mindset at the time. “You tried to look unavailable so I’d want you?”
He nods. “But I wasn’t available. I’ve been yours since we met in class.” He steps closer to me and says, “Thinking back, the day you bumped into me in the school parking lot is when I fell in love with you, and I’ve been in love with you ever since, Kit Kat.”
Jared takes a hold of my hand, as I hold tightly to the keychain with my other, treasuring it. Without forethought, I blurt out, “I applied for a Pennsylvania teaching license.”
His fingers tighten between mine. “What? Why’d you do that?”
“I want to be with you. I’ll move to Philadelphia.”
He lets go of my hand as he resolutely shakes his head. “Kat, no. I don’t want you doing that.”
Confusion hovers over me like one of the clouds we had observed here. “Why not? This is me fighting for you.”
His jaw twitches as he puts his hands on his hips. “Because you’re not moving to Philly.”
“I thought you had wanted me to? In the kitchen, you even said you didn’t want me dating anyone else because I’m dating you. I don’t get it. Do you want me to be your girlfriend or not?”
He again shakes his head, exuding determination. “I’m not doing that shit again, Kat.”
“Oh,” I numbly say, as my gaze falls to the floor. I listlessly mutter, “How stupid could I’ve been? Jesus.” I rub the tears from my eyes, jingling the key in my hand.
Jared shoves his hands into his pockets and whispers, “You’re not. You already said Philly isn’t for you. I don’t want you living there.”
“But—”
He looks over the interior of the gazebo, before returning to me. “Look, I promised I wouldn’t fight with you.”
I clear my throat and sniff. “I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m trying to understand you.”
He sighs. “Believe me. I’m trying to understand myself, too.”
Crossing my arms, seeking some sort of comfort, I avoid looking into his eyes, but I can feel his on me. He asks, “What do we do now?”
I limply shrug. “I honestly don’t know. You don’t want to be with me.”
He firmly refutes, “I did not say that.”
My stomach begins to tighten and my body trembles, bracing for what he’s going to say next. Looking at the trees outside the gazebo, I hesitantly ask, “Then what are you saying, Jared?”
He says, “For starters, I wanted to cordially invite you to the wedding here.”
I immediately look to him, confused, yet again. “Why? I mean, that’s up to them if they want to invite me. I’m hoping they will, but isn’t the guest list up to the bride and groom?”
Jared nods. “Yeah, it is. And as the groom, I’m inviting you.”
“What?” My eyes strain as they widen, and my heart stops for a second time. Holy shit. No. He couldn’t have moved on that fast.
Or changed his mind.
Slowly becoming a statue again, I stammer, “Inviting me?”
He smiles at my breakdown before whispering, “To be my bride, Kit Kat.”
I stare at his grin because I know I didn’t hear him right, and because I can no longer move.
Suddenly, Jared plummets, kneeling down in front of me, the setting sunlight a halo around his hair. My gaze follows him as I continue to stare in utter shock, dazedly watching him take my left arm away from my body with his right hand, while balancing a gray box in his left.
He pries the lid of the box with his fingers, and it squeaks open, showing me a simple, square diamond, with tiny diamonds on the gold band, but it all begins to blur as the reality of what he’s doing dawns on me.
As I gawk in disbelief at the ring, I hear him say, “I like the square because our journey hasn’t been an easy circle. We’ve had to turn sharp corners, but we still made it back to each other.” When he sniffs, I look back to his face as he peers up at me with sodden eyes. “You are my best friend. You’re the only one I want by my side. To not only be my permanent driving partner, but my life partner. I may not say it all the time, or be good at it, but I love you, Kit Kat. It took me a while to realize it, but I’ll spend my lifetime making it up to you.” As the tears begin to streak his face, he whispers, “I just hope you can love me back.”
Still in a stupor, my right hand, holding the keychain, goes to my face, wiping the tears on the back of my hand. Jared says, “Let’s cut the bullshit.” He smiles, but his apprehension suddenly returns and he bites his lip before saying, “I’ve loved you for half my life, baby. Please, let me love you for the rest of it. Make me yours for eternity.”
Taking a deep breath and blinking away his tears as he peers up at me with nervous, hazel-green eyes, Jared Beckett asks, “Katriona Elyse Merrick, will you marry me?”
CHAPTER 30
“Because from the way you look, you’re already in Hell.”
“I am.”
“Good. You’ve finally hit rock bottom. Welcome, Jared. I’m your angel of mercy. Where would you like to start?”
“I know exactly where.”
“Perfect. Let’s do this.”
“If I let you help me, anything I tell you doesn’t leave your mouth. Understand?”
“Okay.”
“Not even to your boyfriend.”
“I promise. Now, where did you want to start?”
“What’s your favorite jewelry store?”
“Good idea! Something sparkly always makes me feel better and more open-minded. What do you want to get her? Necklace? Bracelet? Earrings? How about a watch?”
“A ring.”
“Uh, what kind of ring?” When I didn’t answer, her eyes grew large, and she whispered, “Jared…”
“We met in high school. It’s long overdue.”
“But proposing marriage? Jared! You aren’t even dating! It’s so sudden!”
“Not that sudden, but like you said, I’ve hit rock bottom. I can only go up from there.”
“But that’s a big climb.”
“Are you with me or not?”
“You really love her?” Answering with only a dead stare, she muttered, “Wow. I’m blown away.”
“This stays between us. I can’t stress that enough.”
“Why don’t you want River to know?”
“I just don’t yet.”
Through her shock, she eventually smiled. “Okay, then. Let’s get you and Kat engaged.”
Watching Kat say nothing, makes me even more anxious. As her swift breathing causes her chest to rapidly rise and fall, I can’t help but think of how perfect her tits feel in my hands. I want them to be all mine, along with the rest of her, but she won’t even give me a goddamned answer.
When Kat finally does speak, she falters, “I-I don’t… How could… Jared, you…” Her right h
and goes to her forehead, dangling the key from her fingers. “Five minutes ago, you wanted nothing to do with marriage, and two minutes ago, you didn’t even want me to move to Philadelphia.”
“I still don’t want you to move to Philly.”
She looks to the gazebo before asking, “Is this just another game for you? To get me to stay in Annapolis?”
I shake my head, rather stunned she’d ask that right now. She pulls her hand out of mine, stepping back, and that’s when I start to panic. “Kat, what are you doing?”
“I can’t believe you’re using my ambitions against me.”
“I’m not.”
Turning to pace, Kat gives no indication she’s going to give me an answer, which leaves me thunderstruck. Getting married is what she’s wanted. I thought she’d be all over this.
“That’s what you did when you said you’d…inseminate me,” she says, glancing at me over her shoulder and wrinkling her nose, borrowing the term I used. “To impregnate me. Jesus. It’s like some sort of business deal just so I won’t leave.”
“It’s not. I’ve been—”
“Now this?” She asks, waving her hand at me with surprising disdain, in the middle of my proposal. “Are you so…desperate…for certain, familiar sex that you’ll marry me to ensure you’ll have a routine lay?”
I scowl at her. “If I only wanted to get laid, I’d go to a bar every weekend.”
“Then you should do that.” She completely turns from me and I watch in astonishment as her wavy, coffee-brown hair lightly swishes against her upper back.
Hearing her sniff, I incredulously grumble, “What the fuck?”
Standing, I snap the box shut and shove it into my pocket for the time being. “Are you fucking serious right now?”
“Are you?” She twists to look at me, crossing her arms. “You can’t just change your mind that fast without some kind of miracle or epiphany, and you don’t do those, Jared.”
“That’s exactly what happened.”
Kat regards me with doubt, and glaring back at her, she eventually blinks and looks away, saying, “That’s hard to believe, especially after everything you’ve said on the subject.”
The Keys to Jericho Page 63