We started to drive backward again, and the second we were through the gate, I knew I had to do something to get my point across, to stop this downward spiral we were on and to get us back to where we were before I’d completely derailed the night by being a coward. The last thing I wanted was to part ways like this; with him hurt and mad at me and thinking things that weren’t true. I didn’t want that at all.
“Van, stop the car,” I insisted.
“Can’t drive you home if I stop,” he said sarcastically.
“Stop the goddamn car!” I screamed at him, which caused him to look over at me like I was crazy as he pressed down on the brake.
But at least he stopped the car.
“Is this what you want?” I asked him, forcing the words out in a rush. “Is this how you want this to end for us?”
“What’s my alternative?” he asked sardonically.
“The same alternative you had when we left the hotel. I asked you to leave with me for a reason, because I forgave you a long time ago for what you did, and I wanted to tell you that.”
“Well forgive me for reading more into the situation than what it really was. Couldn’t you have just said that at the hotel and let me go on my merry way? Did we really need to come all the way up here? Or was that part of your plan? Hurt me, because I hurt you, get back at me once and for all by making me think that I was finally getting what I wanted only to find out that it was all a lie? Not cool, Elisa. Even I don’t deserve that.”
“That wasn’t my plan at all,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Then what was your plan?” he demanded.
“I didn’t have a plan,” I told him, as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “Except maybe this, but quite honestly, the location wouldn’t have been my first choice.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked before I silenced him when I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his, completely catching him off-guard.
His lips were as warm and soft as I remembered, and so many memories came rushing back to me in that moment.
“What are you doing?” he asked against my lips, completely killing the fantasy I had that he would kiss me back and ask questions later.
I dropped my hands and pulled back a few inches, looking up at him through my lashes, searching his crystal blue eyes for some sign that the hurt I’d caused could be melted away if I tried hard enough to show him I wanted to be with him.
“What I’ve wanted to do for two months but was too afraid to admit,” I said softly.
I watched Van’s eyes narrow a fraction of an inch. “Because you don’t trust me,” he reasoned.
I bit my lip, never breaking his gaze. “Because I don’t trust myself.”
“Why?”
I sighed as I moved back to the passenger side of the car, but I stayed facing him, needing to watch his face as I told him how I felt. “Because I let myself get lost last time, and I’m afraid of that happening again. I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
I chickened out at the last second and didn’t finish my thought. What I really wanted to say was, I’m afraid of getting hurt, for feeling more for you than you feel for me, for loving you when I know you don’t feel the same way.
I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say the words I’d felt for too long. I’d loved him for years, whether I’d consciously admitted it or not, and I’d never told him, because I knew he didn’t feel the same way. How could he if he was still able to see other women?
I wasn’t sure if my reasoning made sense, since I’d cut off the most important part, but Van nodded, as if he understood.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Lis,” he said softly. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did,” I reminded him.
He nodded. “And I’ve paid for that mistake ten times over. Trust me when I tell you that,” he said firmly. “I won’t make it again.”
I bit my lip as I waited for him to say more, because I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure where we were and what came next.
“Did you really want to kiss me tonight?” he finally asked.
“Yes. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to,” I said, eyeing him cautiously, trying to read his impassive expression as he shifted his gaze away from me for several seconds.
When he looked back at me, he was looking up through his lashes. “I wanted to kiss you too. I’m sorry I screwed it up.”
Something akin to relief coursed through me as I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. “So what do we do now?”
I thought I saw one corner of Van’s mouth quirk up. “Would it be completely presumptuous of me to ask if you wanted to come inside?”
I shook my head. “No.”
He nodded once as he shifted the car back into first gear and started up the hill, closing the gate behind us as we passed through it.
I sat in silence until we reached the house, and Van turned the car off, wordlessly getting out and shutting the door behind him. He opened my door and reached for my hand to help me out. I shivered in the cool breeze rustling through the hills. Van lived at one of the highest points, and it was cooler up there than it had been at the beach.
“Are you cold?” he asked me.
“I’m okay,” I told him as we reached the front door.
He didn’t open it. Instead he turned to face me, looking down at me as his dark hair fell around his face. His hand slid up to cup my cheek before he trailed his thumb along my jawline, letting it linger against my chin as he tilted my face toward his.
“I want to kiss you,” he said so softly his words almost got lost in the wind.
But he wasn’t looking for an answer. His gaze met mine for half a second before he lowered his lips to mine, claiming them in a kiss so gentle yet so intentional that I felt it down to my toes. His arms twisted around me, and he eased me against him, our bodies pressing together as he deepened the kiss.
I reached up to cup his face, to hold it in place, to let him know how much I wanted this, as I swept my tongue across his bottom lip, searching for ways to be closer to him. I felt his heart pounding against my chest and had a feeling mine was doing the same thing, this culmination of everything I’d felt between us for the past few months yet tried to ignore coming to a head in a perfect moment of lips and warmth and passion as I found how easy it was to lose myself in another person. No one existed but Van as he held me against him, never breaking the kiss, never faltering. It was everything I hadn’t known I’d always wanted, different from kissing him had once been but so familiar at the same time.
When he finally pulled back, he dropped his forehead to mine and worked to catch his breath. I felt lightheaded and was glad his arms were still around me.
“You have goosebumps,” he murmured, his warm breath washing over my lips. “We should go inside.”
I nodded. “I am a little cold,” I said, although it was hard to tell if I was really cold or if it was the cool air shifting over my warm skin that was heated from his touch.
Van pressed his lips to mine once more, but it was just a brief kiss before he stood to his full height and turned to unlock the door.
“Welcome back,” he said as he stepped across the threshold, taking my hand to pull me along behind him.
He silenced the alarm with one hand, closed the door, and reset the alarm once more. I didn’t ask if that was because he wasn’t planning to leave again that night. I wasn’t planning to leave until morning, and even though I had no clue where my car was, I couldn’t bring myself to care. I had a feeling I’d find it safe and sound in the parking garage at my apartment complex when I returned home.
“Would you like something to drink?” Van asked, suddenly so formal as we passed the stairs that I knew led to his bedroom.
His house had two stories, but the only rooms on the second level were his bedroom and bathroom and the library. I’d been in there, but I wondered how many other people knew he had floor to ceiling books lining three walls and
that he’d read every book he owned. I knew he kept hidden to most people the fact that he was smart and studious, and I liked that I was one of the few who knew.
“I think I’m okay,” I told him as I stopped a few feet from the staircase.
He stopped and turned when my hand that was tethered to his kept him from going any further. I tugged gently, pulling him closer to me as I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“What are you doing?” he asked, a playful smile on his lips.
I smiled up at him. “Let’s go upstairs.”
He reached out and slowly twisted a lock of my hair around his finger. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
I nodded.
“Are you really sure?” he asked, as he slid his hand down my hip the same way he’d done at the fragrance launch. At the same time, he lowered his head, so our lips were millimeters apart. “I’ll give you one more chance to back out.”
“I don’t want to back out,” I said as I pressed against him, the anticipation of what was to come sweeping through me as I felt his erection press against my stomach.
“Elisa,” he breathed against my lips, bathing them in warmth. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?”
I smiled as I slid my hand down and gently cupped his backside. “Then why are you stalling,” I teased him.
He laughed. “I’m most definitely not stalling.”
Before I knew what was happening, he was lifting me so I could wrap my legs around his waist. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him as he groaned into my mouth and started to walk us up the stairs. I couldn’t kiss him for long, since his ungraceful movements kept knocking our mouths apart, so I settled for tucking my face into his neck and inhaling the sweet, citrusy scent of his skin.
I pressed my lips to the hollow of his collarbone, nibbling enough to make him groan as we reached the top of the stairs. I pulled back to smile at him as his hands moved to cup my backside, under my dress, squeezing just enough to make me want more.
I leaned forward and kissed him, not able to get enough of his lips. “Bed,” I murmured.
“That’s not something you ever have to ask me twice,” he said as he walked a few steps into his bedroom and let me gently slide down his body once he’d reached the foot of his bed. His hand moved to the zipper at the back of my dress. “May I?”
I nodded, my gaze fixed on his hooded eyes as my dress fell to the floor and Van drank in the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra.
“Sweet Jesus,” he muttered as his hands moved to my waist and he lifted me onto the bed so I was perched on the end.
I reached forward to unfasten his belt, and he dropped his hands to his sides as he watched me carefully.
“Mind if I take my time?” I asked him.
“With what?” he asked, his voice sounding hoarse.
“With this,” I said as I unzipped his fly and let his pants fall around his ankles. “You see, I’ve been admiring you from afar for too long, and I kept wondering if you still looked as good without your clothes on as you always did. I sort of want to savor the moment.”
“Sweetie, I’ll walk around stark naked for the rest of my life if you want me to, but as you can sort of see, we’ve got a bit of a situation here. I’m not sure slow is going to work right now. If it’s even possible, the thought that you’ve been picturing me naked when I thought you hated me, is kind of turning me on even more.”
I smiled as I shifted my gaze down to the bulge in his boxer briefs and leaned forward to kiss the spot of pre-cum that had seeped through the fabric. I heard Van suck in a shaky breath.
“Not making the situation any better,” he hissed as I hooked my thumbs into his boxer briefs and tugged them down.
I looked up to see him unbuttoning his shirt with lightning speed.
“I wanted to do that,” I told him, and he dropped his hands, but a painful look contorted his features. I grinned. “Fine, do it yourself.”
I kicked off my heels and scooted back on the bed, twisting toward his nightstand, hoping that was still where he kept his condoms. I was right, and plucked a few out of the box and tossed them on the bed as I rolled onto my back. Van made quick work of discarding the rest of his clothes and before I knew it, he was sliding on top of me, his lean, muscular body covering mine as he kissed me.
Only the fabric from my lace panties separated us as he ground into me, driving me crazy with want. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so turned on. Every inch of my body was aching for his touch, for relief, for something to fill the void it had felt for too long.
Van kissed me for countless minutes, making me forget my everything but him when he shifted to the side and slid a finger under the lace of my panties. I angled toward him as I continued to kiss him, my hand sliding down to cup his hardness, massaging him gently and giving back what he was giving me.
His mouth slid down to my neck, and he gave attention to every inch of skin along the way, his dark hair falling around his face so I couldn’t see it. I wanted to see his face.
“Baby,” I said softly, causing him to look up at me with kiss-swollen lips.
I wordlessly ran my thumb under his bottom lip, gathering his attention as I reached for one of the condoms. Van smiled, and then he rose up so he was kneeling before me. I watched in anticipation as he rolled the condom over his length and then slowly, torturously removed my panties. When he eased back down, I lifted my knees, cradling him between my thighs. He looked up, his blue-eyed gaze meeting mine as he pressed forward, erasing the distance between us.
He moved to kiss me as I got lost in the feelings that were suddenly bombarding me, both emotional and physical, working in tandem. I wrapped my arms around Van’s back, holding him as close to me as I could as he moved rhythmically, making me cry out against his mouth as he kissed me.
Not long after I was flying, the intensity and completeness I felt taking over as I broke the kiss and my head fell back, my hips coming up to meet him, my nails digging into his back, and my cries echoing throughout the room. It was like nothing else existed in the world but him and me and that moment, a culmination of too many things I couldn’t process all at once.
Van slowed his movements as I came back to earth, and I looked up to see him smiling slyly at me.
“I think that was just about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispered before kissing me softly on the lips.
I smiled around his kiss, loving the intimacy of the moment that went beyond what we were doing. It was the closeness Van brought, a feeling of being safe and secure in his arms, and I wanted to savor every moment of it. I knew this wouldn’t be the last time we’d do this – not by far – but I knew I’d never have this feeling again, the one where I finally felt at home after spending too long searching for where I belonged. I knew now that where I belonged was with him.
I didn’t know what that meant in the grand scheme of things or how it would even work given the lives we lived, but I knew then and there that everything about this moment felt right when nothing else had for so long. It was like coming home to a place I’d only visited before but knowing truly that it was where I always should have been
I hadn’t felt it before, not with anyone else and not with Van. This time felt different, and I knew that should have scared me, but in that moment nothing could. In that moment, I felt like everything had finally fallen into place.
Van pulled back from the kiss to look at me, his muscular arms braced on either side of my head, his hips churning rhythmically once more as I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him deeper and making his eyes roll back in his head for a few seconds.
“I think you’re going to be the death of me,” he huffed out when he found his focus again, making me smile when his gaze met mine.
“Not if you kill me first,” I told him, as he brought me back to the brink and let me topple over when a few seconds later he found his release, groaning as he collapsed on top of me, his weight pressing me i
nto the mattress as he buried his head in the crook of my neck.
His breath came in short, heated bursts, his chest rising and falling as I relaxed my legs and wrapped my arms around him, holding him against me.
When Van’s heartrate finally slowed, and his breathing returned to normal, he rolled off of me onto his back. “Come here,” he said, looking over at me.
I tucked in next to him and rested my head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around me and held me close. The moonlight filtered in through the slits in his blinds, bathing his bare chest in pale light and highlighting the defined planes of relative perfection. I was suddenly grateful for the band’s rigid workout schedule that they kept while they were touring.
“Any regrets?” he asked after several long moments of silence.
“Regrets?” I echoed, his question catching me off-guard. “What do you mean?”
I looked up at him, searching for understanding in his eyes. We’d literally just had what I’d considered mind-blowing sex, and he was asking me if I had regrets? Had I not sufficiently squelched his earlier fears? Did he still have doubts?
He met my gaze and quirked a smile. “Yeah, I figured you’d be regretting waiting so long to finally give in to my charms – now that you remembered what you were missing.”
I smacked his chest playfully. “You’re certainly full of yourself.”
“I know what I’m good at,” he said, hauling me on top of him so I was sprawled across his chest with his arms wrapped around me.
“Oh, and you think that was good?” I teased him.
“Please,” he said, with absolutely no modesty in his voice.
I shrugged. “Honestly, I’ve had better. Jamie did this thing with his tongue . . .” I trailed off when I saw the smile on Van’s face fade. “I’m kidding,” I said quickly.
“I thought you said nothing happened with Jamie.”
“It didn’t,” I assured him, realizing I’d gone too far with our little game. It was too soon, and I should have known better.
Now Van wouldn’t look at me. His gaze was fixed on an unknown point out the window. I cupped his face with my hand and brought my lips to his, kissing him deeply and pulling him back to the moment. He kissed me back, but it wasn’t like before. Something was missing, and that knowledge twisted my stomach into knots. When I pulled away from the kiss, he was looking up at me, his expression unreadable.
Westside Series Box Set Page 61