After several moments of silence, he said, “Leah’s one of my best friends. I’ve known her and her sister, Kelsey, since we were kids. For a long time, they were the only people who cared about me.”
“What about your parents?” I asked him, willing him to look up at me, but he kept his eyes on the paper he kept methodically tearing.
“I don’t want to talk about them,” he said firmly.
“Then we won’t.”
He finally looked up at me. “I actually think I’m done talking for right now.”
I blinked a few times in confusion, not sure what had just happened. “But you’ve barely said anything.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly initiate this conversation. That was all you.”
“It was,” I agreed. “But I assumed you were okay with it.”
He sighed. “My friends told me to give you a chance, so I figured I’d try. I don’t like it, and I’m not thrilled to have to talk to someone about my problems, but I also recognize that I probably need to.”
“Phillip, we don’t have to talk about what got you to this place,” I reminded him. “I’m not a therapist. I just figured if you knew a little bit about me, you might feel like you could trust me. Then you would feel comfortable coming to me when you were in a bad spot.”
“Trust takes a long time to build, Sabrina.”
I nodded. “I know, and I understand.”
“I’m not sure what Damon wanted you to do for me, but I also know that I don’t have the option to refuse your help – not if I want to keep my job.”
I felt my eyebrows rise, surprised that he knew that his job was on the line. “Did Damon tell you that?”
“He didn’t have to. I figured that might be the case though, and based on the expression on your face, I’m assuming he told you that.”
“He did,” I confirmed, knowing I couldn’t lie to him.
“Well, then, I guess I’ll do what he asks and try to figure out how not to keep pushing you away when you come around.”
I wanted to tell him that he had an alternative. He could get to know me, to trust me, and then he wouldn’t have to be so guarded. But I also knew if I said that it would probably fall on deaf ears.
“Or maybe you could come to me when you’re feeling like you need a fix,” I suggested instead. “We’ll watch a movie or order cheesecake from room service or play Scrabble – anything to take your mind off of it. I’ll do the same.”
“You still have cravings?” he asked me, sounding surprised.
I nodded. “Sometimes. Not as often as when I first got out of rehab, but occasionally I’ll get a taste for something, and eventually it’ll start to consume me. That’s usually when I’ll go to a movie or go on a hike, just to push the thought from my mind. It helps.”
“It does?”
“Well, it’s not full-proof, but if I can ease the idea of using from my mind, I can usually power through the craving. Of course it’s better when I have someone to go to the movies or on a hike with,” I told him, shrugging slightly. “But that’s just what works for me.”
“Yeah, okay,” he finally agreed after appraising me for several seconds. “I think I’d be alright with that, but I’m not sure I can promise much more.”
“I don’t want anything more than that. I’m here for you, Phillip, in whatever capacity you need.”
A slow smirk started to form on his lips. “What if I said I needed to get laid,” he ventured.
I shook my head as I started to stand, a small smile playing on my lips, since I was fairly sure he was joking. “Then you can call a hooker.”
“Ouch,” he called after me as I started to head toward the door. “That was mean. I’ve never needed to pay for sex.”
I turned to look at him over my shoulder. “How am I supposed to know that? I barely know anything about you.”
“Touché,” he said, sounding a little in awe of my wit.
I figured if nothing else, I could win him over with that.
“For your sake, I hope I won’t see you soon,” I told him.
“It’ll probably be sooner than you think,” he told me.
I nodded. “That’s okay. Call me whenever you need.”
“Sabrina?” he said when my hand was on the doorknob.
“Yeah?” I said, turning to look at him.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I didn’t have to ask him what he was thanking me for. I knew. I’d been in his shoes all too recently, and sometimes I was still there. It was a tough road, but having the right people around would get him through it. He might not be my favorite person, but I could see that there were good parts to Phillip Lawton. He just kept them carefully hidden. Maybe in time I’d get to see those good parts, to know that he was worth it, and to know that my efforts weren’t going to waste. I hadn’t been able to save Jason, but maybe I could save Phillip.
Chapter Eight
Phillip
“Man, this sucks,” I complained to Van as we walked back from the meet-and-greet.
“They’ll be here later,” he told me, as if that made things better.
“Yeah, but they’re going to miss the show,” I grumbled. “I hate that. Gavin was so excited when I talked to him a few days ago. He’s going to be bummed.”
I’d gotten a text from Leah before the meet-and-greet, telling me they’d been rerouted due to bad weather. The pilot hadn’t felt safe landing in Seattle, so he’d diverted them to Portland to wait out the storm. As it stood, they probably wouldn’t arrive until the concert was over, which had put me in a decidedly bad mood.
And it wasn’t just that they’d be delayed and would miss the show, I’d been looking forward to seeing Leah for too many weeks to count. No matter what I did, I couldn't push her and the very non-friend thoughts I’d been having about her from my mind.
Van shrugged. “Gavin’ll get to see us perform in Miami this summer. It’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said, kicking the toe of my sneaker against the cement floor.
He didn’t know what really had me bummed out, and I wasn’t going to tell him. He liked to joke around about Leah and me, but it was just that – a joke. He had no idea that I’d been counting the days until I got to see her again. It seriously sucked that they were going to be late.
I’d been in a killer mood an hour earlier, and now that was shot to hell. I was already nervous about seeing Leah, and knowing that she been delayed only served to ratchet up my anxiety. If only I had something to take the edge off.
“I think I’m going to go watch Sabrina’s show,” Van told me when we got to my dressing room. “What to come with me?”
Van watched all of Sabrina’s shows, because it was the only way he could get time with Elisa before we had to go on-stage. She refused to be far from the stage while Sabrina was performing. Van always asked if I wanted to come with him, but I had yet to accept his offer, much preferring to relax in my dressing room before I had to perform.
But after the conversation we’d had a few days earlier, I figured I could do Sabrina a solid and see what all the hype was about. Regardless of my issues with her, she was making headlines. The fans loved her, the press loved her, and she was apparently talented. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to know at least a little more about her after she’d opened up to me.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to let her know that, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give in a little. Maybe then she would stop feeling the need to stalk me. If I gave her a little of what she was asking for, maybe that would be enough.
I hated to think that we were similar, because I refused to admit that our mutual drug addictions would lead to a lifelong friendship, but what she’d said had struck a chord with me. She’d had a fucked up childhood. She’d been let down by her parents. I knew all too well what that was like, so maybe we weren’t so dissimilar. Maybe giving her a chance wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
; “Yeah, sure, I’ll go with you,” I told Van. “Just let me grab a water. I’m thirsty.”
He nodded. “I’ll wait here.
I opened the door to my dressing room, expecting silence and an empty room, but instead I got, “Surprise!”
Two voices yelled out the word at the top of their lungs, but I couldn’t see their faces. I didn’t need to though. I’d know those voices anywhere. Hidden behind the two biggest bunches of balloons I’d ever seen were Leah and Gavin, both who were grinning from ear to ear as they let their balloons float to the ceiling. I felt my mouth tug up on one side as realized I’d been duped.
“Damn, look at that,” Van commented in way too calm of a tone. “Looks like I’ll be heading to the stage alone.”
I turned to look at him. “Did you know about this?”
He smirked at me. “Of course I did. I know all.” He looked over at Leah. “Hi Leah. Good to see you.”
“You too, Van,” she told him. “Thanks for helping me out with this.”
“Anytime,” he said, tipping his baseball hat at her before he backed out of the room. “See you kids in a bit.”
I looked back at him as he left the room and the door closed. Then I turned to Leah. “You are such a liar.”
Of course, she was grinning at me, and it was so damn good to see her.
“I know. But isn’t this better?” she asked as she stepped toward me.
I smiled at her, drinking in her long blond hair and dark blue eyes. She was like home for me, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap her in my arms in that moment. But before I could, two small arms wrapped around my legs, and I looked down at a blond head of tousled hair.
“Hey bud,” I told Gavin as I returned his hug.
He looked up and grinned at me, his smile so much like his mother’s. “Were you surprised? Were you?”
“Totally. I was all bummed out that you guys were going to be late. I’m so excited to see you.”
Gavin’s smile got even wider. “It was Mommy’s idea. She said she wanted to get back at you for the pool, which I don’t really understand, because the pool is the awesomest. But I told her I’d keep the secret, and I did! I kept it the whole time.”
I laughed. “That’s really good, Gav,” I told him, and then I looked up at Leah who was smiling at us.
Gavin pulled away from me. “Can I play your Playstation?”
I nodded. “Knock yourself out. But I go on-stage in an hour. You’re going to come watch, right?”
“Totally! That’s why we’re here. Duh.”
“Gavin, don’t say things like that to Phillip. It’s rude,” Leah said as Gavin launched himself onto the couch and grabbed the controller I’d abandoned when Van and I had been playing earlier.
“Sorry,” he called out to me.
“No sweat, bro,” I told him, and then I turned my attention to Leah. “Nice surprise.”
She smiled, and then she stepped forward. I pulled her into my arms, inhaling her familiar scent and finding comfort in her presence.
“It’s good to see you,” I told her.
She pulled back and smiled at me, taking my hands in hers. “It’s really good to see you, Phillip. You look alright.”
“I’m hanging in there,” I said vaguely, even though we both knew how I was really doing.
We talked every few days, and I’d been more honest with her than my therapist lately. It was too bad she couldn’t be my sponsor. She was one of the few people I felt comfortable opening up to, but I knew that was a bad idea. The things that had been on my mind over the past few months where Leah was concerned would probably present a conflict of interest. Having her as my sponsor would never work if what I wanted came to fruition.
And I knew spending the next two days with her was going to help me figure out if it was even a possibility. Everything I was feeling was new but old at the same time, like it was the direction I should have gone in all along, but I had no idea if Leah felt the same way. In truth, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from her. I just knew that I’d been thinking about her for too long and wondering what if.
After sleeping with the blond from the club the week before, I’d made a conscious decision that I was done with meaningless one night stands. For some reason, they just didn’t excite me anymore, even though they should have.
I had a feeling it was because I knew Leah would not only disapprove if she knew how much I slept around, but there was no way she’d ever want to be with me if I couldn’t prove that I was done with slutty girls. And after spending too many nights thinking that I shouldn’t want what I did, I decided it was useless to fight it. Leah was perfect, and I’d be damn lucky if a girl like her showed any sort of interest in a guy like me.
Now that she was here, the nervous feeling in my stomach and the pounding of my heart only solidified that what I was feeling went beyond our lifelong friendship. Of course, if Leah didn’t feel the same way, I could be screwed. I could lose her, but if she did feel the same way, I could gain a whole lot more. I just didn’t want to be wrong. Losing her would be worse than death. I couldn’t do it.
I wondered absently what Sabrina would think about that. She’d seemed to have wanted me to open up about Leah. I wondered what she’d make of me possibly being in love with my best friend. Would she think it was crazy? That an addict and a good girl could be happy together? Maybe it really was insane to even consider.
I’d fucked up so many times, and Leah knew about all of them. She knew how weak I was, what pain had settled deep in my heart long ago, and she knew every single thing I was afraid of. I had no secrets where she was concerned.
So maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe she knew me too well.
Or maybe that was what I needed.
I wished I could talk to Kelsey about it, but I couldn’t do that. I knew she’d tell Leah. No, until I could see if something was even a possibility, I had to keep this to myself. If I had even a remote chance of getting hurt, I wasn’t going there. I wasn’t even going to tell Van, since I was sure he’d have a field day with the fact that I actually liked a girl. It would create too much pressure, which was the last thing I needed. I was already nervous enough.
I looked up at Leah and smiled hesitantly. Now that I’d been thinking about everything that was at stake, anxiety swept through me at the thought of her being so close that we could breathe the same air. I was so afraid of fucking everything up.
“Do you, uh, want something to drink?” I asked her, not sure what else to say.
She shook her head. “No, I’m good.”
“Do you guys want a tour?”
She smiled. “Nah, I think we just want to hang with you until you have to go on-stage. Is that okay?”
I nodded, relaxing a little at her warmth. It was one of the things I’d always liked about her.
“Can I sit?” she asked, gesturing to the couch.
“Sure.”
Gavin had slid down to the floor where he was playing a racing game, so Leah and I settled awkwardly onto the couch, neither of us saying much since Gavin was in earshot. We usually kept the heavy conversation for when it was just us, lest he hear anything unsavory about me. As far as he knew, I was a saint, and I wanted to keep it that way.
“I’m glad you guys are here,” I said to both Leah and Gavin. “There are so many cool things to do in Seattle, and I’m glad to have some cool people to experience them with.”
Gavin leaned his head back and looked up at me as he paused the game. “Are you talking about us?”
“Yeah, totally. Do you know anyone cooler than you?”
Gavin giggled. “Yeah, I do.”
“Oh yeah? Who?”
“Aunt Kelsey. She visited last week, and she showed me all these pictures she took when she was in Africa. She saw lions and tigers and zebras. It was way cool.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that. Seeing lions up close is pretty awesome, but do you know what you get to see?”
“What?” Gavin ask
ed in excitement.
“The Space Needle.”
His eyes got wide. “What’s that?”
“It’s a needle that pokes space, obviously.”
“What?! That’s crazy. It’s so tall that it goes into space?!”
I nodded, but he shifted his gaze to Leah for validation.
“I think Phillip is teasing you, buddy. It’s not that tall, but it’s pretty tall.”
“It’s way tall,” I defended. “And we get to go up in it. You’ll be able to see all of Seattle from there.”
“No way!” Gavin cheered. “We really get to do that?”
I nodded. “Yup. I booked a private tour, so just the three of us can go.”
“Is Greg going too?” Gavin asked, having developed a bro-crush on my bodyguard.
I think he thought of Greg as an FBI agent or a superhero or something. He loved that he was all broad and fierce looking, like he could wrestle an alligator and come out on top. There was a little bit of worshipping happening there, and thankfully Greg was cool about it. He always told Gavin stories about bad guys he’d fended off, even though I had a feeling most of the time he was stretching the truth. Fighting off rabid fans and determined paparazzi wasn’t exactly death-defying, but Greg sure made it seemed that way, and Gavin ate it up.
“Of course Greg will be there. He’s my shadow.”
“Awesome,” Gavin said, turning back to his game.
“Did you plan a whole day for us?” Leah asked me.
I nodded. “I did, and I arranged for Greg to babysit tomorrow night, so we can have an adult dinner.”
“Wow, Phillip. I’m not sure what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. You know why I do these things. You guys are my family.”
Leah reached over and took my hand in hers, squeezing it lightly. I tried to ignore the tingly feeling it gave me, since it was such a foreign emotion for me. I hadn’t liked someone in a long time. Usually it was all about the physical, but I had a feeling this was so much more.
* * *
“I feel like the past twenty-four hours have been a blur,” I told Leah as we left the hotel restaurant and headed to the elevators.
Westside Series Box Set Page 88