After too many silent minutes, I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling like if I closed my eyes it might ease the pounding in my head that had started a few minutes after we’d gotten to the hospital. I hated the smell, I hated knowing that death and disease were all around, and I hated the cold, stark feel. But most of all, I hated the feeling of waiting for the worst. That was the hardest part.
I must have dozed off, because when I opened my eyes a few hours later, I was alone in the waiting room, and sunlight was streaming in through the picture window behind me. I looked around for Phillip and Kelsey, and then Greg and Gavin, but they were all gone. I started to pull my phone out of my bag, so I could call Phillip and find out where he went, but before I could dial his number, Kelsey came bursting through the double doors to my left.
“Where is he?!” she shrieked at me.
“Who? Gavin?”
I was suddenly worried that I’d agreed to watch him, and then I’d fallen asleep. I didn’t remember doing that, but maybe I’d been so tired that I didn’t remember telling her I’d watch him. Where had everyone gone? It was morning. Were they on a coffee run?
“No, Gavin’s with Greg. They went back to Leah’s house,” Kelsey said in a rush.” Where’s Phillip?”
“I don’t know,” I said, fear suddenly engulfing me.
I looked around in a panic, hoping maybe I’d missed him before, that he’d decided to take a nap on the floor, because the chairs were incredibly uncomfortable, but he wasn’t anywhere in the room. When I looked back at Kelsey, I was shocked to see tears streaming down her cheeks. There was also a haunted look in her eyes that I hadn’t seen before. Something bad had happened, and I’d missed it.
“Didn’t he come through here?” she demanded.
“I don’t know. I was asleep.”
“Oh, my God,” she said as she slumped against the wall next to her.
I leapt up and crossed the room, pulling her into my arms before she fell to the ground. It was like her legs wouldn’t hold her, and she couldn’t muster the strength to stay upright.
“What happened?” I begged her when all I got was a vacant expression when I looked at her.
She shook her head. “He’s gone.”
“Who? Phillip?” I asked, my stomach starting to churn in fear.
She nodded. “He ran, and I thought he was coming back here to you, but he’s not here.”
“He ran?” I questioned, trying to piece together what had happened.
She nodded, her gaze fixed somewhere over my shoulder. As she started to speak, she looked at me, and her lips started to tremble. “He wanted to come with me, to talk to the doctor, and I didn’t want him to come, because I knew,” she said, her voice breaking. “I knew, and he insisted on coming, and when they told us, he just took off. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t hear it. He didn’t want to hear it, and I knew that would happen. It’s why I didn’t want him to come in the first place, but he’s so damn stubborn, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. And now he’s gone, and she’s gone, and I’m so afraid, and I don’t know what to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t.” She shook her head. “She was the good one. Phillip and I were the ones who kept screwing up, but she did everything right. She did everything right.”
Kelsey slumped against the wall again as the tears streamed down her face. She looked like her world had just collapsed around her, and in truth it had.
“Leah,” I said softly, knowing what had happened.
“They said she lost too much blood, and there was too much damage to her internal organs,” Kelsey said through her tears, a vacant expression in her eyes. “They tried. They said they tried, but they couldn’t save her.”
“Oh, Kelsey, I’m so sorry,” I said as she leaned on me and cried.
“How could they not have saved her?”
I had no answers for her. It was the great mystery of life, and no matter how much it hurt to not know why Leah had been taken away at such a young age, I knew all to well that Kelsey wasn’t going to get the answers she was looking for. No matter how good and pure and amazing Leah was, there was no rhyme or reason for why she was here one day and gone the next. It was the most unfair thing about life, and I was filled with pain for Kelsey, because I knew exactly how she was feeling.
“I’m so sorry, Kelsey,” I said softly.
She pulled back and wiped under her eyes. “No, I’m sorry. We don’t really even know each other, and I’m crying on your shoulder.” Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks as she inhaled a painful breath. “This is just – she was my best friend. I’m not really sure how to do this. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now.”
“It’s okay,” I told her, putting my hand on her shoulder.
There was so much I could have said, but I also knew none of it would comfort her. There was nothing I could say that would ease the pain of what she was feeling. Time was the only thing that would work, and even that didn’t come close to healing wounds as deep as hers.
“Thank you,” she said softly, and she seemed to be pulling herself together.
In that moment, I was so torn. A part of me knew I should stay with her, because she shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and regardless of how well we knew each other, I was the only person she had. But another part of me wanted to leave, to go find Phillip. Ever since the realization that he’d taken off after learning about what had happened to Leah, I’d mentally had one foot out the door. I wanted to go after him. I wanted to find him and to know that he was okay, which was a completely silly notion, because I knew he wasn’t okay.
Knowing him as well as I did, I knew that he was far from okay. Because of that, I was so afraid for him. I needed to find him before he did something stupid. I’d seen Phillip almost fall apart when Leah had rejected him and he was afraid he was going to lose her. I could only imagine what this news was doing to him and where he might turn.
I started to open my mouth to ask Kelsey if she’d be okay with me going to look for him, hoping he’d just gone outside to get some air. I figured it was a long shot, but I’d been wrong before, and I hoped I was wrong this time.
But then she put her hand over her mouth. “Oh, my God, Gavin.”
“He’s okay,” I assured her. “You said he was with Greg.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that. I have to tell him. I have to tell him that his mommy isn’t coming home, that she’s not–” A sob cut off what she was going to say next. She shook her head as she took a deep breath. “He’s so little. He won’t understand.” I watched as she closed her eyes. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Where the hell is Phillip? He should be here. I can’t do this alone.”
“You’re not alone,” I told her as I pulled her into my arms.
“I need him. I need him, and he’s not here, and he’s going to do something stupid,” Kelsey said into my shoulder.
“You don’t know that,” I told her, forcing out the lie.
She pulled back and looked at me. “I’ve known him for almost fifteen years, Sabrina,” she said, her face crumpling again. “If he was ever going to do something stupid, it’s now. And you know it too. You’ve seen him at his worst.”
Hearing her say that only made my stomach churn with nerves as I remembered how bad it had been for Phillip the first night he’d come to me. Kelsey was right, and if I didn’t find Phillip soon, he might do something he couldn’t take back.
“Ms. Davis?” I heard from behind me and turned at the same time Kelsey looked up to see a man wearing scrubs and a nurse holding a clipboard.
“Yes,” Kelsey said softly.
“Would you mind if we returned to the conference room? There are some additional things we’d like to discuss with you regarding your sister.”
I watched Kelsey draw in a shaky breath as she nodded her head. “Of course, but I need to find my friend. He’s not here.”
“I do apologize, but some of the things we need to discuss with you
are of a more urgent matter. And we’d prefer to discuss them with just members of the immediate family.”
Kelsey nodded, but she looked like she was torn.
“I’ll find him,” I told her, because I knew it was what she needed to hear. It was also what I knew I needed to do. “I’ll find him and bring him back here. I’m sure he just panicked, and he needed to be by himself, but once he realizes how much you need him, he’ll be here. He probably just went back to the hotel.”
Kelsey gave me a sad look. “We both know he didn’t.”
I nodded as I imagined all the places Phillip might have gone. This was his home for nineteen years. He was sure to have favorite haunts or places that comforted him, but more than that, he knew exactly where to go to score drugs. That was what I knew we were both afraid of.
“I’ll find him,” I assured Kelsey.
“Please, Sabrina,” she said, taking my hands in hers. “Please find him.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“Tell him I love him. Tell him Gavin loves him. Tell him we need him. We need him now more than ever.”
I nodded, the pleading look in her red-rimmed eyes making my heart hurt. “I will,” I promised. “I’ll tell him all of that.”
“Greg has my number. Call me when you know Phillip’s okay.”
“I’ll do that. Do you need me to do anything else?”
Kelsey looked stunned for a few seconds before she said. “I don’t even know. This hasn’t even sunk in yet. I don’t know what’s next.”
Unfortunately, I did.
“My parents will be here later today,” she continued. “I’ll be alright.”
I also knew that wasn’t true. She’d never be okay. What had happen to her sister and the loss she was feeling would never go away. She’d never be the same.
“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do,” I told her.
“Just find Phillip. Find him before he does something reckless.”
I nodded. “I will.”
That promise alone made my heart heavy, and the weight of it followed me as I made my way out of the hospital. I felt disconnected from my body as I dialed Phillip’s number for the third time, and it went right to voicemail. His phone must have been off.
Figuring I needed to regroup, I dialed the number for a car service. I’d go back to the hotel. I’d start there and pray that Phillip was with Van or Dillon or Cam, even though I knew he wasn’t. From there, I wasn’t really sure where else to look. Miami was a big place, and if Phillip wanted to disappear, he could do it so easily. That was what scared me more than anything, but I wasn’t going to stop until I found him. He might have been feeling lost and alone and emotionally torn apart, but there were too many people who needed him. If there was ever a moment for him to fight back against every urge he had to disappear, it was now.
* * *
It had been hours, and none of us had heard a word from Phillip. The knot in my stomach had grown exponentially bigger since I’d gotten back to the hotel that morning, only to have my fears confirmed. Phillip wasn’t there, and no one had heard from him. The worst part was that the media was camped out in front of our hotel, so even if Phillip had wanted to come back, he probably wouldn’t have. To make matters worse, his phone had been off all day, and even though Van had been checking his phone every few minutes, Phillip hadn’t called. He hadn’t reached out to any of his friends. As time ticked by, it became more and more apparent that he wanted to be alone, which did nothing to ease my fears.
The Westside security team had left the hotel soon after I’d gotten back. My plan had been to go upstairs to the suite the guys were staying in, see if Phillip was there, and if he wasn’t, I was going to head back out to see if I could find him. That didn’t end up being an option though. Between the media catching wind of what had happened to Leah and trying to get any nugget of information they could, and the fact that I didn’t know the first place to start looking, it was decided that I needed to stay at the hotel.
I protested, simply because I was worried as hell about Phillip. Every second that passed without knowing where he was gnawed at my insides, but between the guys from Westside, Elisa, and my manager, Dixon, who were all waiting for me in the Westside suite when I got there, I was talked into staying. It was safer, there was less risk of the press finding out that Phillip was missing, and if the Westside security team looked for him, they could cover more ground. It all made sense.
The last thing I wanted was anyone from the press finding out that Phillip was missing. He was already facing the tragedy that had taken his best friend’s life, and based on the fact that he’d gone AWOL, I knew he wasn’t handling it well. The last thing he needed was to be hounded by eager reporters and have his grief poked and prodded. I agreed that we needed to keep things under wraps, but not being able to help and being relegated to sitting by the phone all day was one of the most torturous things I could have endured.
Elisa tried to get me to eat something, and Dixon tried to get me to talk about the plans for my next album to take my mind off of Phillip, but I couldn’t concentrate on much else. My worry only grew as the day wore on, even though I was checking in with Greg regularly. He’d stayed with Gavin until Kelsey had gotten back to Leah’s house, and then he’d joined the search. I’d been hopeful that if anyone knew where Phillip might be, it was him, but unfortunately all the places Kelsey had told him to look had been a bust.
At three, Westside officially cancelled their concert that night with a promise to reschedule it at a later date, citing that Phillip needed time to grieve and to be with Leah’s family. I was glad Damon had been kind enough to know that in this case, the show couldn’t go on. It wasn’t right. Even if Phillip hadn’t been missing, it wouldn’t have been right to make him go on-stage so soon after losing someone he considered family. Maybe Damon wasn’t so heartless after all.
“Man, this sucks,” Van grumbled, getting to his feet so he could pace back and forth across the suite.
All day long he’d been alternating between doing that and sitting with Elisa on the couch. Everyone in the room was nervous, but Van seemed to be more on edge than anyone else. I knew it was because he knew more than the other guys. He and I were the ones who knew about Phillip’s past, what he’d gone through growing up, and how important Leah really was to him. He knew the fact that Phillip being gone for hours might be so much worse than everyone was thinking.
“We should just call the police,” Dillon said for probably the ninth time. “They could help us find him.”
“No,” Damon said quickly. “No police.”
He’d shown up in Westside’s suite soon after I got there and had stayed throughout most of the day. He’d stepped out occasionally to make phone calls, but for the most part he was camped out with the rest of us, waiting for word. I could see on his face how concerned he was, and I genuinely hoped it was because he cared about Phillip and not Westside’s bottom line.
He’d been adamant all day that we needed to keep what was going on with Phillip between the people in the room. Almost everyone who was touring with Westside knew about Leah, but only a few knew Phillip was gone. We all knew telling too many people or getting the police involved would only make the risk that much greater that the media also would find out.
And once the media found out, they’d splash the story everywhere. Every fangirl for a hundred miles would go out looking for Phillip, and even through that might mean we’d find him faster, it wasn’t something we wanted to do considering the state he could be in. His reputation was something Damon didn’t want to compromise. He’d worked too hard to cover up Phillip’s addiction and his rehab stints. He wasn’t going to let it be found out now or get Phillip into a situation where his character was brought into question.
Dillon glared at him. “They could help. We could use a code name for Phillip so no one would know who he was.”
“No police,” Damon repeated. “Not yet.”
“Then w
hen?” Van demanded.
Although we’d all be on-board with Damon’s adamancy to not involve the police, as the hours ticked by with no word from Phillip, I knew most of us were starting to wonder if Dillon’s suggestion wasn’t the worst one we could consider. We just wanted to find Phillip. We wanted to know he was okay.
Damon didn’t answer Van. He just looked at his phone and responded to a text. I knew he’d been corresponding with Katherine all day. I had a feeling she was a heavy hand behind us not involving the authorities, which wasn’t surprising.
I never had liked her or her ethics. We’d had too many arguments back when she’d been my publicist because I hated the callous way in which she conducted business. I only wished I’d had the guts to stand up to her sooner. She was good at her job, but she didn’t care about who she took down in the name of promoting her clients. It wasn’t something I’d ever agreed with.
In the beginning, when I’d been new to the industry, somewhat naïve, and inexperienced in how involved I should be in decisions that were made about my career, she’d done some things that I hadn’t felt a hundred percent comfortable with. I was a minor, so she’d involved my mom, and I’d trusted them to steer me in the right direction. That had been the wrong thing to do. My mom had been focused on making me as famous as possible so she could forget about my dad and my brother and continue to live in the fantasy world she’d created. Katherine was only interested in making money off of me.
When I finally got wise to the fact that if I didn’t start standing up for myself, I was going to turn into someone I hated, it was too late. I already hated myself and the brand Katherine had helped create for me. I was miserable. That was when I’d met Jason.
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