Bruises of the Heart

by J. J. Nite

  At lunch, I waited until Tara took a seat, then I went and sat beside her. "Hey," I said.

  She looked at me briefly, like she wanted to say something but didn't dare to. "Hey, Victoria," she began. "I'm sorry about Friday."

  "Me too. I'm not even sure what all of that was about." I grinned at her.

  "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and you're my best friend. Whatever either of us said, I'm willing to forget." She smiled back at me.

  "Oh, I'm so glad. I have the most amazing news to tell you. I've been bursting to tell you all morning, but I didn't know how to get past what happened on Friday."

  "You have news? What news? I haven't heard anything new," she said, dropping back into her role as the queen of gossip.

  I told her everything that had happened over the weekend, carefully excluding the part about Will hitting me. Luckily my cheek hadn't bruised, but I did have one on my upper arm where he had grabbed me when I'd been talking with Noah on Friday.

  Tara was, as expected, overjoyed at the news I had given her. It was then I realized Will wasn't with us in lunch. I wondered where he was, but knew I would see him soon.

  We got up and arrived in plenty of time for P.E. After we changed, we made our way into the gym and stood off to the side, talking until class began. Fortunately, we were doing different stations that week, which left lots of time to chat. After we had cycled through all of the stations, we leaned against the wall and watched while everyone else finished.

  "Hey Tori, Tara… Can I talk to you a minute, Tori? Alone," Noah said, looking pointedly at Tara.

  "Sure, I guess so," I said.

  "I see that you've been hanging out with the new guy, Will," he began.

  I was instantly on edge. My guard came up at full strength. "Yeah."

  "I… I don't trust him, Tori. I don't know what it is about him, but there's just something. Can you honestly tell me that you have complete confidence in him? That you trust him? Because I saw how hard he grabbed your arm on Friday, and I also know that you probably have a bruise from it."

  I hesitated before speaking and squashed the voice in my head that was screaming to tell him the truth. "I do trust him," I said, getting angry. "And how dare you question him? It's none of your business, and you really should get your nose out of my relationship."

  "None of my business? You are my business!"

  "Not anymore," I said through my clenched teeth, allowing some of the hurt I still felt to show through. "You lost that right when you broke up with me. You've ignored me for months, and now you think that you can, what? Pretend nothing happened?" I almost yelled at him by the end. My patience was beginning to wear very thin.

  "No, Tori. I can't pretend that nothing happened, because it did. It was a mistake, but that's something that I'm going to have to live with. I'm just concerned because I want what's best for you and I'm not convinced that he's what's best."

  I was shocked Noah was acknowledging to me that breaking up had been a mistake. What could that possibly mean? I forced myself to move all the questions that were quickly multiplying to the back of my mind, and I silently promised to deal with them later.

  "But you don't get to decide what's best for me. That's my decision to make, not yours. And I would appreciate it if you would stay out of my life. I spent far too much time getting over you and I've moved on now. So please, just leave it alone," I said, then turned around without waiting to see if he had anything else to say.

  I forced my feet to keep moving even though I could feel every cell in my body screaming to turn around, reaching out to Noah. The voice in the back of my head was oddly silent for once, and I found that disturbing.

  Luckily it was time to go change, and I passed Tara in my rush to escape Noah's view. She kept up with me, and as soon as we were at our lockers, she pounced as I'd known she would.

  "What was that all about? He looked really pissed for a while and then he looked hurt and almost sad. Are you crying?"

  "No, I'm not crying," I said, turning my back to her and wiping at my cheeks. "Besides, I've done enough crying over him."

  "So tell me what happened. Obviously, he said something that upset you," she said as we left the locker room and headed for our next class.

  I gave her the simplest breakdown I could on our way to History. I could see she was brimming with questions, but she was going to have to wait, just like all of the questions I kept pushing to the back of my mind until I could have time to sort through them.

  "Please, don't say anything about this in front of or to Will. I don't want him to get upset over this. I'll deal with it on my own. Please?" I asked Tara.

  "Okay, but you had better call me this afternoon after Will leaves your house, or you will regret the consequences," she said, narrowing her eyes.

  I smiled my thanks and went to my seat next to Will, who was already there waiting for me.

  "Hey." I gave him a tight smile. "You weren't in lunch. I wondered where you were."

  "I told you that I had to make up a test in Science," he said a little belligerently.

  "I don't remember you telling me that," I said, digging in my bag for my book.

  "Well, I did. It's not my fault if you can't remember anything," he said.

  "I'm sorry, I guess I didn't remember," I said.

  I didn't want this to turn into anything right now. He had embarrassed me in front of my classmates, so I turned my attention to the top of my desk. I could feel how hot my face was and I fought to keep the tears that threatened to spill over my lashes from falling.

  I glanced up as class started and saw Tara was looking at me with a concerned expression. I shook my head at her so slightly I wasn't sure she even saw. I tried to concentrate on class enough so I could answer a question if I was asked, but I couldn't follow everything that was said. All I kept thinking was I only had one class left before I could escape the suddenly confining walls of school.

  I was relieved when the dismissal bell finally rang. Will and I separated to go to our lockers and then I made my way to the doors leading to the student lot, and there was Noah. At first I thought I was experiencing déjà vu, but I just wasn't that lucky. I took a deep breath and kept walking, hoping to slip past him. My luck once again failed me. Did I even have any?

  "Tori?" He grabbed my arm, but not painfully. Just enough to stop me. "I wanted to say sorry if I upset you earlier. It wasn't my intention. I want what's best for you is all."

  "Look, Noah, I know you mean well, but I'm happy now. I can take care of myself. I don't need you looking out for me."

  "I know that you think he's the guy for you, but…"

  "Here you are, Victoria. I thought we were meeting at the car." Will was glaring at where Noah's hand was resting almost possessively on my arm. His eyes turned hard and I mentally shrank back. I shook Noah off and stepped to Will's side. Noah's hand hung limp and then it balled into a fist.

  "Is he bothering you?" Will asked me, but his gaze remained on Noah.

  "Of course I'm not bothering her. I'm her friend."

  "The way I heard it, you weren't much of a friend. You broke her heart and then moved on to a string of other girls. Doesn't sound very friend-like to me."

  Noah's face hardened and I was afraid a fight was imminent. I didn't want either of them to get hurt, and I didn't want any more attention drawn our way. I took a chance and stepped between them. "Guys, knock it off. Will, he wasn't bothering me. He was just giving me some unwanted advice."

  "Stay away from my girlfriend. It's obvious that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. You know, sometimes people get hurt when they don't know enough to stay away. Especially when it's over and there's nothing left for them."

  "Are you threatening me?" Noah asked, becoming outraged.

  "Of course not… just offering you some friendly advice. Stay away from us."

  "I'll stay away only for as long as Tori wants me to stay away. I'm not going to stop looking out for you, though, Tori. No o
ne can make me stop that, and if you ever need anything…" He left the rest unsaid.

  I stiffly nodded my head. Not that I thought I would need him, but because I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I took Will's hand and tugged slightly. He followed me to the door, but he never took his eyes from Noah, and Noah never moved his eyes away from mine.

  Chapter Five

  "I can't believe that he thinks that he has some claim on you. Like I'd ever let you leave me for him, anyway," Will said as he pulled out of the student lot and headed for the cabin way faster than he should have.

  I remained silent for the drive, too caught up in my own thoughts. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fully convince myself Noah was just overreacting. The voice in my head was back to screaming at me. Only now, instead of it sounding like my own voice, it sounded more like Noah's. As if I needed any more reminders of him.

  We pulled to a stop in front of the cabin and Will turned the engine off. I glanced over at him and cringed. His face was still a mask of anger and it looked like he had used the drive to nurse it so it burned brighter than before.

  He turned and looked at me, and before I could do or say anything, he grabbed both of my upper arms and shook me hard. My head hit the window behind me, my vision blurring.

  "Why do you look so guilty? Was all of that just a lie? Do you want to get back together with Noah? Because if you do, you need to know that I'm never going to let you go. Ever. I won't let you leave me. Did you hear me?"

  I nodded, and he loosened his grip enough for me to retreat as far as the door would let me.

  "I don't want to leave you, and there's nothing more to tell you about what happened earlier. I already told you everything, I promise," I struggled to say.

  He smiled at me, looking relieved. I reached up to rub my arms, sure I would have new bruises before long to add to the increasing number on my body.

  Will reached out toward me and I flinched, cringing farther back toward the door of the car.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt and scare you… again. He just made me so mad. Standing there with his hand on you like it belonged there. It was infuriating."

  I looked at him and tried to judge his mood. He didn't look as angry as he had earlier, but his mood swings were beginning to give me a permanent knot in my stomach. I decided to nod at him.

  "Aren't you going to say anything? I said that I was sorry," he said, with a softer voice. "I really mean it. Please don't be mad at me. I'm not sure that I could take that."

  He reached across the space between us and stroked my cheek. I leaned into his palm against my better judgment. The voice in my head was screaming and I could barely hear any of my own thoughts — those I was able to form, that is. It felt like my brain had frozen and I was having trouble working through the cold.

  "I have to go, but I'll see you tomorrow. I love you, Victoria, more than you realize," he said, kissing me quickly.

  "I love you too," I said automatically.

  I got out of the car and went inside the cabin. I made it to my room and took my shirt off to see the red marks his fingers had made when they'd been wrapped around my arms. I started to shake and I had to sit down. I don't know how long I sat there, but I jumped to my feet when I heard my mom come through the front door.

  "Victoria! Are you here?"

  "Yeah, Mom, I'll be out in a minute."

  I flew to my feet and tried to get my shirt back on. I had never had so much trouble getting dressed before. I looked in the mirror one more time before I left my room to be sure my face wouldn't betray me.

  "There you are. How was your day?" Mom asked, smiling at me as she pulled things out of the refrigerator for dinner.

  "It was okay. Sorry I didn't start anything. The time got away from me, I guess," I said, feeling guilty.

  "Victoria," Mom said, turning to look me full in the face. "I've never minded fixing dinner. The fact that you took on the chore yourself has been nice, but there's no reason to apologize. Besides, I'm going to have to get used to doing this again. You'll be in college next year."

  I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of homesickness. "Mom," I said, drawing it out into three syllables, "what are you going to do when I'm not here?"

  "Cause you're around so much now?" she asked sarcastically. "But seriously, I'll be fine. Your grandparents are at the house and there are things that I've been thinking of doing."

  We finished making the chicken and vegetable stir-fry in companionable silence then sat down to eat together. "What kinds of things are you thinking of doing?"

  "I've considered lots of different things, but realistically there are only a few," Mom answered.

  "Like…"

  "Painting or maybe photography… definitely something artistic. Who knows, maybe I'll become good enough to take a family portrait." She smiled.

  "Our family? Did you want blood spilled, or what?"

  "I'm sure that everyone would be able to remain civil for the picture. My mom has come a long way since you were born," she said.

  She was referring to the way her mother had treated her when she'd gotten pregnant and had me at sixteen. After a while the wounds, if not healed, were at least scabbed over and fading, but the relationship had always remained somewhat strained.

  "I think you should start dating." I laughed at her appalled expression. "You're only thirty-four, Mom. I know that you haven't dated anyone since dad died. If I'm the reason you never met anyone else, then now is your chance."

  "I think that you're operating under some misconceptions. I never dated anyone else not because of you, but because… I was just never ready," she said, pushing the rest of her dinner around on her plate.

  "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

  "No, I guess we never really talked about this, did we?"

  I shook my head when she looked up from her plate. I'd never seen my mom so sad. Her eyes unfocused as if she was looking back on the time she'd had with my dad. She blinked and then refocused on my face and smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. I gave her a small one in return.

  "You remind me so much of your father. Your eyes are exactly like his, right down to the way they twinkle when you laugh. I so wish that you had been able to know him. He loved you so much, and it makes me sad that you will never know that for yourself. I guess I'm getting off track a little, huh?"

  "Maybe a little, but it's nice to hear, even if I've heard it before."

  "I've tried to make him real to you so that you would maybe have a little of him in your heart."

  I looked at this beautiful woman, my mom, and her whole body told of her internal struggle to find the right words. I reached across the smooth tabletop and took her hand in mine. She smiled at my silent show of support and gave my hand a little squeeze.

  "This might be hard for you to understand, but the love that Cole and I shared was so deep and all-encompassing. I've never really gotten over losing him. I've just learned how to move on. He was my first love and I never wanted anyone else, and I really don't think that I'm ever going to be ready to wade into the dating arena. I just don't think that there's anyone else out there for me. I had the privilege of falling in love with and marrying my soul mate, my best friend, and there is absolutely nothing that can top that."

  "Wow, I guess I didn't really understand that before — how connected the two of you were," I said.

  "I'm not sure that anyone really understood it at the time except for the two of us. From the outside it looked like two kids who were infatuated with one another. That's what my mother saw, and I think that's why, at first, she resisted my dating Cole. She wanted me to be more certain of who I was as a person before I started dating boys. She felt like she had missed out on a lot by becoming a parent so young and didn't want that to happen to me," she said.

  "Do you think that you missed out on anything by having me so young?" I asked after a minute.

  "No, I don't think that I missed out on anything. I got eve
rything that I ever wanted — a man who loved me for who I was and not what I looked like, and a beautiful baby girl who has grown up into an even more beautiful young woman, far too quickly. The only thing that I wish was different is something that I have no control over, and that would be to still have your father here with us."

  She gave me a small smile and then got up and started clearing the table. I got up and helped her wash the dishes and put everything away. I thought about everything she had said and tried to apply it to my life. I wasn't sure Will was my soul mate, and if he wasn't, was there any point staying in the relationship?

  I was afraid our little talk had given me even more reason to doubt my commitment to Will. I also had those pesky questions swirling around in my head and I was finding it harder and harder to force them into a little box in the back of my mind. It was getting a lot more difficult to ignore that voice in my head since it had started to sound so much like Noah.

  I went to my room after helping Mom and tried to concentrate on my homework, but it just wasn't working. I still had too many questions floating around in my head.

  "Hey Mom, can I ask you something?" I asked, walking back into the living room.

  "Can't concentrate on your homework?" she asked, guessing correctly.

  "No, but how did you know?"

  "I can't seem to think about anything else but memories right now. What were you going to ask me?" She pulled her feet under her to make room for me on the couch.

  "Do you think that everyone has a soul mate? Like you had with Dad?" I asked hesitantly.

  "I think that everyone has someone. Whether it is something like I had, I hope so, because it was very special. I pray that you will find someone like that — someone supportive to a fault, never critical, and who shows a depth of kindness that I have never seen a match to. I think that your grandparents have that kind of love, both sets of them, whether you believe that or not. Does that answer your question?"

  "I think so. Do you think that Will might be my soul mate?" I asked.