by J. J. Nite
"Sorry, I just couldn't help myself," Noah said into my hair.
"It's okay," I said, still gripping his shirt with both hands.
He continued to hold me, and would have all day I'm sure, but after a few more minutes I loosened my fingers and ever so slightly pushed against him. He relaxed his hold on me to settle into the hay beside me.
"So, do you have any big plans for your vacation?" I asked him, breaking the silence.
"Other than spending as much time as you will allow me to with you? No. I have no other plans. You?"
"I was trying to plan a shopping trip with Tara, but Mom vetoed it unless she could also come. I told her Will was away on vacation, but she wouldn't budge. All I wanted was a day without someone watching over my shoulder."
"Well, to be fair, and don't get mad, no one knows for sure whether he's on vacation or not. You're just assuming he went because those were his original plans. Maybe he's just biding his time," Noah reasoned.
I glared at him, which made him start to laugh. I half-heartedly slapped at his arm, but he caught my hand and kissed it. "I love you, Tori," he said, still laughing. "I told you not to get mad."
"I know. I don't like having the flaws in my reasoning exposed. I really don't think he's going to do anything, anyway. I think if he was going to, he would have by now. He's not exactly the patient sort. Believe me," I said.
He said nothing, only gripped my hand tighter in his. When I looked at his face, I could see he had tightened his jaw and he wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear it.
"You might want to just spit it out before you hurt yourself. You won't offend me, you know," I murmured.
"It's not anything I really want to say or not say. I just don't like being reminded of what you went through, is all. Do you think we could change the subject? I don't want to spend my whole day talking about him. I'd rather talk about you, or whatever else we can think of," Noah said.
"Sure," I replied.
We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon up in the loft of the barn. We talked about everything and nothing all at the same time. When it was time for us to leave, neither of us really wanted to go, but there wasn't another alternative at the moment.
I spent the walk back to the cabin thinking about my feelings for Noah and trying to understand them. I was also wondering if I could trust my emotions, and to an extent, Noah. I couldn't bear to leave him, but was that because I loved him or because he made me feel safe? And if it was because he made me feel safe, what was I going to feel for him when I finally felt safe everywhere without him by my side?
I was beginning to hate having all of these questions and nowhere near enough answers. If I hadn't been afraid of giving everyone within hearing distance a heart attack, I would have screamed.
And the biggest question of all — the one my mom had put into my head, or at least brought to the front of my mind — was why Noah had really broken up with me. I couldn't bring myself to ask him the real reason because I was becoming more and more certain by the day the reason I'd been given wasn't the real one.
When I entered the cabin, I encountered my mom and she definitely wasn't happy. "Have you been in the barn this whole time?" she asked.
I looked at her face and decided maybe I should have stayed in the barn. Mom's eyes were crackling with sparks while her voice was deceptively mild. I tried to find something innocuous to say to diffuse the escalating anger, but I couldn't think of anything. "I left you a note," I blurted out. It sounded weak even to my own ears.
"I got your note. It implied that you wouldn't be gone quite this long. I tried to call, but then I realized that you didn't have your phone with you. Why is that?" she asked, like a police interrogator.
"I didn't want to listen to it ring constantly."
"Then we'll get you a new number. But once that's done, I expect you to keep it with you," she said sternly.
My first impulse was to snap a salute, but I only nodded. I went and leaned against the counter opposite from where she was standing.
"I'm sorry that I'm a little short-tempered, but I was starting to get nervous. I thought you would be back by now. What were you doing down there for so long?" she asked.
"I read for a while, fell asleep, then Noah showed up and we talked for — well, the rest of the day," I said.
If I hadn't been watching her face carefully, I would have missed seeing her eyebrows shoot up and then back down again. I smiled to myself, knowing what she was thinking. "Don't worry, Mom. I'm not jumping into anything, and before I do get involved with Noah again — if I get involved with him — I'm going to ask why he broke up with me first. As much as it pains me to admit it, you were right. I do need to know why or it's going to bug me to no end."
She just harrumphed, then turned to the counter and started making dinner. I went to my room and actually turned my cell phone on to check the messages. I immediately deleted any from Will, which was most of them. A few were from Mom today, and one from Tara that I wanted to hear.
I listened to her go on and on about the latest couple fight that had take place between two of our friends. She wasn't sure yet whether they were going to break up, but it had happened in front of a bunch of people the night before in Riverside. As she was wrapping her story up, my phone beeped and I looked to see who was trying to call me. My stomach dropped to my toes and my mouth went dry. Will's number and name were there on my phone.
I didn't know what to do. I'd thought since he was on vacation with his family he wouldn't call me, or at least he wouldn't try to call until he was back. I turned my phone off and then put it in my bedside table at the very back. I couldn't wait to get a new number.
I went back out to the kitchen and decided to help Mom finish cooking dinner. "What are you and Noah talking about these days?" she asked after a few minutes.
"Not much, really. He doesn't think I should be alone in the barn, but I would fall over if Will ever showed up there. He never liked it down there. He never liked it anywhere here, really. At least Noah likes it here," I responded.
"It sounds like you've already made a decision about how you feel about Noah."
"Yeah… I'm scared, though. Am I just falling back into what's comfortable, or do I love him? It's all just very confusing," I whined a little.
"Oh, honey, life is full of confusing moments." Mom half laughed at me. "You just have to try and make the best decisions you can. It might not turn out the way you want it to, but there's no way to know that now."
"Yeah, I guess so."
The next morning, after driving into Riverside and getting a new number for my phone, my mom dropped me back off at the cabin. I grabbed my book and headed down to the barn. After calling Tara and giving her my new number, I sat undecided about whether to call Noah and give it to him. I had been plagued by doubts all night, but I kept coming back to the fact Noah made me happy. He made me feel safe, but I decided happy was more important.
Then why was I hesitating so much to call him? Was I fooling myself about my feelings, or was this another example of my mind working overtime? It was very difficult for me to shut my brain off long enough to listen to my heart. Of course, that might not even be possible. My heart and mind were like two halves of a whole.
I smiled to myself at the thought. Noah and I had always felt like two halves of something much bigger that had just fit together. It had been so natural and effortless I had never really given it much thought until now.
Staring at my phone wasn't giving me any answers, so I decided to make a leap of faith, hoping everything Noah had said was true and I wasn't going to get hurt again. I punched in his number and waited for him to answer, and was very surprised to hear a phone ring from below me at the same time, which elicited a squeak from me.
Noah chuckled, then I heard him climbing up the ladder to the loft. My heart started slamming inside my chest and I was suddenly nervous, but didn't know why. When his head appeared over the ed
ge of the loft, I stopped breathing.
All of the emotions I had buried so deep and locked away came flooding back when his sparkling, ice-blue eyes found me in the dimness of the loft. His dazzling smile came next, and the elation of having those feelings again carried me forward a few steps with a smile so big that it almost hurt. But then the feelings of hurt and betrayal landed so heavily on my heart they threatened to crush me where I stood.
As these emotions and memories, still raw from being locked away, rolled though me like a tidal wave, Noah had finished his climb. I watched as his facial expressions changed with my own. He'd looked so happy, then when he saw those raw emotions hit me like a semi, he stopped and looked confused and uncertain.
Noah took another step toward me and reached out both of his hands, palms up. "Tori? What's wrong?" he asked, obviously concerned.
"Why?" I asked in an anguished voice.
"Why what, Tori? I don't understand what you're asking me." He took a few more steps toward me.
"Why did you really break up with me? I don't believe that you wanted to see other girls. I know that you only went on two dates, even though you did your best to make it appear that you were seeing a lot of different girls. You've already told me that you knew it was a mistake. So why, Noah? Please, I need to know," I implored as I wiped tears from my face.
He just stared at me. He dropped his hands back to his sides, then slowly walked to stand in front of me. I wouldn't look at him, afraid of what I might see. He lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him, and I saw his pain-filled eyes. "I did lie to you about why I thought we should break up. Seeing other people was the closest thing to the truth that I could come up with, and it almost killed me to actually go out with anyone else. I was so surprised that you didn't see right through me."
"But why, Noah? You broke my heart for no reason." I pushed his hand away. "It killed me to see you every day and know that you weren't mine anymore. Then I had to witness what turned out to be nothing more than a charade? I don't understand why you would do that to me," I said, getting mad. Tears continued to flow down my cheeks.
Noah turned and paced away from me. I was afraid that I was going to get my heart broken again. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest to keep myself from shaking or running away. This confrontation needed to happen so I could start to trust myself again.
"Tori, I'm not proud of what I did, especially because you went through all of what you did and because I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen," he said, still facing away from me.
"Then why?" I whispered, looking at the floor.
He was suddenly in front of me. With a hand on either side of my face, he tipped it up so he could look into my eyes. "Because I was afraid that I wasn't good enough for you," he said, staring me in the eye with an intensity that couldn't be ignored. "I didn't want you to look back in twenty years and wish that you had had the chance to see what else there was. Add all of that to what you had said about not knowing if we were meant to be, and… I made the decision for both of us.
"Tori, I don't have really big aspirations. I don't want to leave here and go see what else is out there. I'm content to just stay here and work on a farm or do construction. I didn't want to hold you back from meeting someone who could give you everything that you deserve."
"You have to be the biggest idiot that I have ever met," I said. "Who gave you permission to decide what's best for me? I'm capable of making those decisions for myself. If I thought that I wanted someone else, I would have told you that." I pushed his hands away. "Instead, you take it upon yourself to make what could have been life-altering decisions and putting us both through all of this emotional turmoil. You should've talked to me instead of being the big know-it-all guy." I was so angry I punched him in the chest.
Noah grabbed my fist before I could pull it back and held it against his chest. His move caused me to step closer and he wrapped his arms around me, pinning my hands between us.
"I'm not sure that I will ever be able to make up for everything that I have put you through, but I do know that I don't want to see anyone else but you. And I'm very sure that I would like to see you every day for the rest of my life. I'm also more than willing to wait for you to be ready, even if that means waiting for years." He touched his forehead to mine. "I know what it's like trying to live without you in my life, trying to pretend that everything is okay, and I can't do that. I love you too much, Tori."
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore how good it felt to have his arms around me. Trying to remain rigid was too difficult, so I relaxed and felt him take a deep breath. I stayed silent for a while, trying to make sense out of Noah's reasoning and failing. I supposed someone else might think he was being gallant, but I still thought he had been a complete moron. This kind of thing was why Mom said life was full of confusing moments.
"Tori, will you please say something? I'm getting really nervous just standing waiting for you to stop thinking." He gave me a small kiss on my forehead.
"I'm kind of stuck on you being an idiot," I said, smiling when he chuckled.
"Yeah, well, I know how you are. You're as loyal as anyone I've ever met, and I was afraid that would override anything else you might be feeling. I know it was wrong, and I know you're mad at me because I made the decision for you, but I'm hoping that you'll get over that rather quickly."
"You're right. I am mad, but not just at you. I'm mad at myself for not seeing it," I said, thinking back on that time and how Noah had acted. "It seems so obvious now. I guess we're both stupid."
Noah used my distraction to pull me even closer and wrapped his arms around me, one hand resting on the small of my back with a familiarity that was comforting. I laid my head on his chest and could hear his heart beating. Slipping my hands from his chest around his back to hold onto him made it beat at an accelerated pace.
I smiled to myself and enjoyed the feeling of being loved. But maybe more importantly, I now understood what real love felt like, and it wasn't what I'd had with Will. Love shouldn't be demanded, but given freely and cherished. Whether Noah and I ended up together again or not, I knew I would be okay either way.
Chapter Sixteen
Noah and I spent almost every waking moment together for the next three days. I was truly happy again. Even though there were moments when I inadvertently let the memories of my time with Will slip into my mind, I was able to talk about them with Noah and I wasn't as afraid any longer. I still hadn't made any kind of commitment to him verbally, but in my heart and mind I had. I probably needed to let him know at some point, though.
Thursday came, and not only did I realize we only had four more days of break left before the outside world would once again intrude on our newly re-founded relationship, but Lily finally showed signs of labor.
The barn remained very quiet all day as everyone took turns watching and waiting for the foal to arrive. Noah joined me for my turn and we sat side by side on a hay bale across the center aisle from Lily's stall. We hadn't said a word beyond the whispered greetings when he'd arrived. Sitting there holding hands was enough for us. There was no need to fill the silence because it was comfortable, unlike the silences with Will when I'd been scared of what was coming next.
My grandpa smiled and nodded to us when he walked silently in to relieve Noah and I. We got up and walked quietly out as Grandpa sat down on the same hay bale.
I squinted as we entered the bright sunlight after having been in the dim barn for so long. Noah took my elbow and pulled me to the shaded side of the barn. I followed without question and he suddenly pushed me up against the side of the wall. The boards were rough through the thin fabric of my shirt, but I didn't mind. My eyes were locked on Noah's.
His hands were planted on the barn on either side of my head and he had a look so intense it took my breath away. I ran my tongue along my bottom lip and his mouth was suddenly crushing mine.
The electric shock I remembered receiving any time we kissed took me by surprise.
I sucked in a breath and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him closer until I could feel his weight against me. Then I tangled my fingers in his hair to keep him from breaking the kiss. He growled deep in his throat, then took his hands off the wall and wrapped them around my back, splaying his fingers wide and sinking them into the muscles of my back.
I was reveling in the feelings coursing through my body. Noah ran one of his hands down my side and hip. He took hold of my knee and hitched it up around his hip while leaning me back against the barn. A herd of cattle could have stampeded by and I wouldn't have noticed them at all, so caught up in the moment was I.
Noah let my leg go and slowly decreased the intensity of the kiss. Our lips broke apart, but we leaned our foreheads together. We struggled to catch our breath and calm our racing hearts.
Noah cleared his throat. "I think we should, umm, go somewhere else. Is your mom home today?"
"Yeah, she's working from home today because of Lily," I answered in an unsteady voice.
"Perfect."
Noah took my hand and we started toward the cabin. It was a silent walk, both of us lost in our own thoughts — or in my case, still trying to calm my erratically beating heart.
Mom looked up from where she was seated at the kitchen table, paperwork spread out and her laptop in front of her. Her smile froze for a second when she took in our expressions and then it eased again. "How's Lily doing?"
"She's good. I thought that it would be over by now," I said.
"Well, sometimes it takes a while. What are you two going to do?" she asked.
"We're just going to hang out here. If we won't be bothering you, that is," I answered.
"Oh, you won't bother me," she said, smiling.
I turned and let Noah lead me to the couch. We sat down, then he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight up against his side. I turned my head and, leaning it on his shoulder, inhaled his scent — a combination of fresh air, hay, and soap. My heart started beating erratically again.