by May Dawson
“We didn’t think it mattered which one of us came,” Rafe said. “If we’d known you had a preference, sir, he would be here.”
“I have a preference that you all take responsibility for yourselves and your patrols,” I said. “And it seems to me like he’s shirking his.”
Rafe’s jaw tensed. “It was my mistake. I was nearest Northsea when she threw the bo, so I brought her here and told him I’d fill him in later. I can get him, if you like.”
“No, I don’t need him,” I said dismissively. “Alexander and Northsea had a relationship prior to the academy, didn’t they?”
“Yes. He told Dean McCauley about it, and he—”
I raised my hand. “I’m aware. I don’t need you to jump to your friend’s defense.”
Rafe’s face was tense.
“On to my next problem,” I said. “Your patrol is full of problems, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” he admitted, his voice guarded. “But they’re smart, gifted shifters. And we all work well together.”
“Mm, I’ve observed you all in multiple drills, and I think well is quite a generous assessment.” Although they were relatively well-disciplined compared to the other patrols. Duncan’s patrol had been far off the mark in yesterday’s drill, but I’d still been annoyed to see Lex almost succumb to his temper in the pressure of the moment.
Rafe’s face was tense, but he didn’t argue with me.
“With Northsea, twenty with the tawse. I’d appreciate if you took care of that before the end of the day.” She’d known what it would cost her, and she’d thought it was worth it. I agreed with her.
I could neither let her bad example stand unpunished nor let Garmond have the chance to campaign for her public flogging. I only had as much control of the academy as the Council allowed, for the moment.
Rafe nodded, although his face was tense.
“Let me be perfectly clear. She has the option to avoid punishment.” I resisted the temptation to call it a glorified spanking, because I still found her bravado amusing. “All she has to do is leave. But there’s no option where she stays, and you protect her from the consequences of her actions.”
“I wouldn’t try to,” he said.
His desire to protect her was written in his tense posture. His whole patrol lied to themselves and to each other far too often, but all right. I’d let that one pass.
“Send her in,” I said. “I’d like to talk to her. You can return to your patrol.”
He nodded and rose to his feet.
Thirty second later, Maddie came through the door.
“You wanted to see me, sir?” she asked, as if she had no idea why she was here.
“Take a seat,” I said. I set the bo staff on the desk between us; it hung over the end of the desk. “I’d like to talk about this.”
“Yes sir,” she said, her voice level, her posture perfect as she sat on the edge of her chair. Only the way her hands knotted in her lap betrayed that she felt any fear at all.
But then, anyone sane in her position should feel a certain amount of dread for what was coming next.
Chapter Fifty-Three
Maddie
“I have to ask,” Clearborn said, “if you think I’m stupid, or if you’re stupid yourself?”
That wasn’t much of a question, and I didn’t have much of an answer. I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze. “I don’t think either of us are stupid. Sir.”
He leaned back in his chair, studying me. Silence hung between us for a few long seconds, and tension rippled through my stomach.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think Clearborn was stupid at all. The thought filled me with far more fear than if he had been.
“Well, there are really two options here.” He raised two fingers to tick items off his list. “One. You’re foolish and willful and impetuous.”
I stared back at him.
“Or two, you threw the bo staff with a purpose, not impulsively,” he said. “You’re concealing the truth, and you think you’re so much smarter than the faculty here that you won’t be found out.”
Well, that was the plan. When he said it, it didn’t sound so great.
“I lost my temper.” It hurt to pretend I’d thrown a tantrum in the pit, but it was the only option I had to protect Tyson. He was more important than my ego. At least my fiery reputation would serve a purpose for once. “I’m working on it.”
He snorted. “Yes, I think I can help you with that.”
I paused. I simultaneously dreaded hearing the sentence for my crime and felt desperate to know what it was.
“Twenty with the tawse,” he said, as if he’d read my mind.
Dread hardened my stomach. I’d known to expect that, and yet it was still an overwhelming thought.
I swallowed the rise of panic. I’d been mulling over why Clearborn had brought corporal punishment to the academy ever since I saw Jensen’s back. At first I’d thought Clearborn was just a monster, but now I wasn’t so certain. “Could I ask you a question?”
Amusement lit his eyes. “Go ahead. You can speak freely, as long as you manage not to chuck anything at my head.”
“Why are you having cadets beaten?” I demanded. “We’re supposed to be brave. What’s brave about letting someone hit you without fighting back?”
“It takes a certain presence of mind to accept pain,” he told me. “It’s a different courage than fighting, but it takes self-control, discipline, bravery. Even if you didn’t deserve it, the exercise could still fine-tune your self-control.”
“We’re supposed to be leaders, to make good moral choices. But if people are afraid of being punished, they just try to avoid it. They don’t think about doing the right thing, for the right reasons.”
Clearborn seemed to think that over, at least. Then he said, “You aren’t children. Any one of you that’s meant to lead will weigh ethics and consequences. You’ll make your own choices. Then you’ll have to live with them.”
His words struck deeper than he could imagine. He was speaking theoretically, but he was right. I’d chosen the humiliation of being seen as a short-tempered idiot by people whose respect I wanted, and I’d chosen the punishment that would come after. It was worth it to protect Tyson.
But that didn’t untie the knot in my stomach.
“I think corporal punishment is degrading and ineffective,” I said, even though I suddenly was quite certain that I was not going to win him over to my way of thinking.
“Yes, I imagine you’d feel strongly against it at the moment.” He smiled faintly, as if he were inviting me in on the joke. “At the end of the year, why don’t you come in here and we’ll discuss it again? I’m curious if your thoughts will change.”
“I don’t think they will,” I said.
“At least you’ll have firsthand experience to inform your opinion,” he said, as if he were doing me a favor. “You’re dismissed.”
When I closed the door behind me, the anteroom was empty. I exhaled shakily. I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous to face the dean, or to face Rafe with that sentence hanging over my head.
Jensen was waiting for me outside the academic building, a book in his hand like usual, his booted foot propped up on the steps. Despite his height and his big shoulders, he looked comfortable wherever he was, as if he belonged anywhere he wanted to be. It must be nice to feel that way.
“Jensen. What are you doing here?”
He snapped the book shut and flashed me a grin. “Rafe sent me to walk you home because apparently, you’re a delicate flower now. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a reason.”
I headed across the open lawn toward our house, and he fell into step beside me.
“You didn’t see what happened in the pit?” I shouldn’t ask him that question so bluntly—he’d never give up on getting an answer—but I felt overwhelmed when I tried to imagine what would happen after I knocked on Rafe’s door. I needed Jensen right now.
Those golden eyes focused on me intently. “Wh
at happened?”
“I might’ve lost my mind. Trying to protect Tyson when Harrington went after him too hard.” I didn’t tell him about Ty’s magic—that wasn’t my secret to reveal—but I didn’t lie to him, either. I’d have felt smug about that if I weren’t so terrified.
“Oh yeah, they’ve got an old grudge,” Jensen said.
“There’s someone who doesn’t like Tyson?”
“Everyone’s got someone who hates their guts. What’d you do?”
“Doesn’t matter. But, same as you tried to tell me, I guess I deserve what’s coming next.”
“Oh, Maddie.” He glanced around us, checking that no one could overhear us, and we stopped in the middle of the yard. “How many?”
“Twenty.”
His lips tightened, and I knew from the way he reacted that was a lot. A shiver ran up my spine, and I jerked my chin up, trying to steel myself.
“Hey,” he said, running his hands briskly up my arms as if to warm me. His gaze was kind, reassuring. “You’re going to be all right. It’s ten miserable minutes out of a long life, all right? Just ten minutes.”
“I know,” I said. “No big deal.”
Jensen nodded, but his eyes were troubled. “What time?”
“When I get back to the house, I’m going to go see Rafe.”
“Give me some time to get the guys out of the house,” he said.
“Why?”
“We all want to protect you,” he said. “If you don’t want one of them to kick down the door…”
They wouldn’t necessarily know. Unless Jensen thought I might cry out, or that the guys would sense my distress... Jensen’s concern was unsettling to me.
“I’m glad you’re a pragmatist, Jensen.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes, but I hadn’t meant that as an insult. Most of the guys would probably try to fight my battles for me, even if it landed us all in worse trouble.
“I want to protect you,” he said. “If you want me to do anything, I will.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think there’s a way out of this.”
“Well.” Jensen tilted his head to one side, a faint smile coming to his lips. “I could kick Clearborn’s ass and the two of us could leave this place in our dust. Move in with Chase or hey, make Silas bring us home with him.”
“It’s tempting.” It was a nice fantasy, but I wasn’t really tempted.
Jensen’s face was that familiar blank mask. “Is it? Have you thought about just…leaving?”
I paused to regard him skeptically before I demanded, “Are you new here? Have you met me?”
He hesitated, studying my face, before realizing that I meant it. He exhaled in relief. He wanted me to decide for myself, but he longed for me to stay, and my heart hitched in my chest. Not that long ago, I couldn’t have imagined how deeply Jensen felt everything, underneath that cool exterior.
I wasn’t going anywhere. Even if it cost me something to stay.
“We belong here,” Jensen filled in. He always seemed to know what I was thinking. “Because this is where the danger is.”
“And this is where our friends are. Our team.”
“Even Rafe?”
“Ask me tomorrow,” I said. I cocked my head to one side. “When did you start seeing him as a friend?”
“Hell if I know.”
“But for me to stay,” I said, “I have to do this. And I need your help.”
“I’m here.” His hands caught my waist. “You tell me what you need, Maddie. I’ll get it done.”
Before we went into the house, he told me what to expect.
Then he kissed me goodbye, hard, like he could loan me all his strength.
I wished that he could.
Chapter Fifty-Four
While Jensen got the guys out of the house on some scheme he cooked up, I took a shower and dressed in my uniform. I braided my hair back into a tight French braid. For once, I had the foggy mirror to myself. The dorm room was too quiet right now. It felt lonely without the guys in the next room.
I buttoned up my blazer and headed down the hall to Rafe’s room, forcing myself not to procrastinate. Clearborn wasn’t going to change his mind.
When I knocked, Rafe swung the door open as if he’d been waiting for me.
“Is Lex here?” I asked.
Rafe snorted. “No. He’s checking on Ty, then I asked him to take our cadre meeting. I don’t want him to barge in and throw me out the window halfway through.”
“I might want that.” I stepped into the room, exhaling, because my stomach was suddenly a pit.
“Yes, I suppose you might.” He looked at me kindly. “It won’t kill you, Maddie. You’ll get through it.”
Oh, that sympathetic look might kill me. It wasn’t like Rafe to feel moved to pity.
I loved how everyone’s idea of an encouraging word about the tawse was that it would not lead to permanent injury or literal death.
“You still haven’t told me what the hell was going on in your head,” he said, and there was a hint of the steel in his voice that I was so used to.
“They were letting anything go in that ring, while they just sat and watched us,” I said. “Tyson’s hurt. He’s at the infirmary.”
“I’m aware.” He perched on the edge of his desk, pushing his blazer sleeves up his corded forearms absent-mindedly. “Clearborn is trying to prepare us. You know how bad things are out there. Firsthand. I thought you wanted us to train harder…”
“It doesn’t matter how prepared we are if we don’t make it to graduation,” I said sharply, thinking of Tyson’s magic, of Silas’ gift, and of my own.
“I understand why you were angry,” he said. “I just…. Even for you, that was ill-advised.”
His lips quirked up affectionately at the edges. That faint smile stirred a familiar warmth in my chest, but I didn’t want to like Rafe right now.
“Do you think we could skip the part where you make fun of me and you could get right to the beating?” I demanded.
His brows rose, the smile dropping away. “If you insist.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. I wish I hadn’t just pushed him away. Part of me wanted to fold myself into his arms, as if he could protect me, even though he was the one who was going to hurt me.
And yet, I had to have him hurt me. I’d been afraid he would refuse. I wasn’t ending my academy career because I was afraid of a strip of leather and a few bruises. Someone else would do it if he wouldn’t.
If I did lose my cool—I kept flashing back to the look on Jensen’s face when I told him twenty—I wouldn’t want anyone else to see me weak. It was bad enough for Rafe or Lex to see me at my most vulnerable.
“Put your hands against the wall over there,” he said, sliding off his desk. He pulled off his blazer, laid it neatly on the chair, and began to fold up the cuffs of his shirt, turning his back on me.
I bit my lower lip and tried to steel my heart, which was galloping wildly.
That impulsive spirit that people complained about so much propelled me forward at times when someone else might hesitate. Most of the time when I did something that took a measure of bravery, there was no chance to reconsider. If I had someone else to protect, my training took over.
I’d never backed down from a fight. It didn’t bother me to get hurt in the ring or even for real, as long as I could get back up.
I always got back up.
But now I was going to let someone hit me. It wasn’t a fight.
I fumbled with the buttons of my blazer, then hung it up on the back of Rafe’s chair. It was strange to be in this familiar room when everything felt different.
Despite my brave words about getting it over with, I found myself moving slowly. Rafe shifted behind me, as if he were impatient.
I had to get this over with. For both our sakes.
Now I could really use that pep talk. I offered him an unsteady smile as I started to unbutton my blouse. “Finally living out your fantasy of beating some sense
into me, hm?”
Rafe gave me a cold look, as if I were an idiot. Right. I’d blown my chance to talk to encouraging Rafe. This version of Rafe couldn’t even spare some mercy for my bad jokes.
“Stop,” he ordered, and I paused with my blouse half-unbuttoned.
Rafe’s jaw twitched, as if he were holding back his own feelings. “Maddie, this is going to be hard for you. It’s going to hurt.”
If I’d hoped for a pep talk, I was definitely getting the opposite now.
“I’m aware,” I said, my voice dry. “That is the point, isn’t it?”
He fixed me with that dark gaze that seemed to stare right into my soul. “Clearborn made it clear there was one way to avoid this.”
“I’m sure he did.” Clearborn said he didn’t care if I was a girl—or a witch—but he wasn’t exactly on my side, either. It’d be easier for him if I packed up and went home.
Rafe seemed to choose his next words carefully. “Is there any possibility you’d ever leave the academy? For any reason?”
My lips were already parting to reject the idea when he cut me off to add, “You could fight with your sister’s pack. Go to the Hunter academy and learn to use your magic. Spend more time with the twins. It’s a big world, Maddie. You don’t have to be here.”
His words washed over me. I flushed hot under the weight of his assumptions.
“You think I’d throw away my career for the chance to spend more time playing aunt?” I demanded. I felt disloyal to the twins just saying that, but I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t see him leaving school to spend more time with Charlotte. “Would you do that, Rafe?”
“It’s not about me,” he said evenly, as if he were refusing to match my anger with his own. “It’s about you. About what you really want.”
Rafe thought I was too weak to manage a whipping with a belt. As if I hadn’t proven myself over and over again.
As if Piper hadn’t survived dozens of those when we were growing up, protecting me. I could take one to protect someone I loved.
The anxiety I felt was flipping into anger, and at least anger felt powerful.
“I’m not quitting,” I said tightly. “Not tonight, not ever. I’m not leaving this damn school until I walk across the stage at graduation and into the Council’s fucking Own.”