“How would you know? You just met us.” Hannah offered with a grin, then grew quiet. “No, Emma... well, Stefanie’s older than me and then there’s our brother Nate. He’s the oldest, out of all of the cousins, too. But he’s not here anymore.” The bitterness in her tone was strong, even to her. “Emma was his wife.”
“Is he dead or something?” Zander held up his hands, softly shaking his head. “I’m sorry, that was... I’m not trying to be insensitive. I just want to make sure I understand. I made a huge gaffe in there and I want to make it up to you. I was interested in you, but you made it clear... and I was trying to calm my aching pride.” His casual explanation filled with compliments confused Hannah. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Why he wanted to understand anything about her family didn’t make sense to Hannah, but someone was asking about them and for once, Hannah wanted to talk. It didn’t seem to hurt as bad right then. “No, he’s not dead. Emma is. She died a while back and Nate left us. He just up and left. I sincerely hope he’s not dead, but at this rate? He might as well be.” Hannah had overheard Drake talking to the men at dinner and Zander had mentioned being from the east side of the state. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye.
The old, now-dim twinkle of hope in her heart stirred at the chance that she might hear something about her brother. Anything. She turned to face Zander. “I heard you tell Drake you’re from eastern Montana. Have you heard of Nate Rourke?” She wouldn’t focus on the fact that she’d just admitted she had eavesdropped on his conversation. That humiliation didn’t matter, if he had information about her brother.
Zander looked from her to the chickens and considered her question. “Nate Rourke? Not that I can recall. I’d be happy to make some calls and see what I come up with. I know a lot of people on that side of the state. But... it is a big area.”
Hope rekindled at his words and then diminished at the presence of but in his words. “But what? I’m not going to date you or anything just for information.” But the chance that he would be interested in her enough to blackmail her for a date actually stirred something in her chest. Did she honestly think she wouldn’t date him just for information on her brother? She would do a lot worse to find Nate. A simple date was nothing and she’d agree right there, if that’s what Zander wanted.
Zander jerked back, returning his gaze to her face. His tone dripped derision as if she’d insulted him. “I would never coerce a lady to spend time with me, nor would I presume to place you in that type of situation. Information should be free.” He squinted at her and then shook his head, placing his hat back on. “Now, it makes my request to be friends seem shallow when I just wanted to set that misunderstanding in the kitchen behind us. I don’t want you to think I have bad intentions toward you.”
Hannah wasn’t sure if she should be embarrassed or impressed. Maybe a little of both when he was so open and forthright with her. That combined with his manner of speaking, and Hannah could just as well be talking to a gentleman from the past.
“I’m sorry to be so presumptuous. Of course, we can be friends.” She swallowed. Her main goal had always been to find her brother or at least get more information. After failing so long, she’d moved her goal from reuniting the pieces of her family to seeking her own dreams that would take her out of the fractured space she existed in.
The desire to find Nate had never completely dissipated and with the hint of a promise from Zander the need to have her brother in her life roared to life as if a fresh breeze on a smoldering coal.
Hannah held up a hand and closed her eyes. “Don’t say it. If you’re not going to do it, please don’t say it. I haven’t seen him in a long time. I miss him, and if you don’t do it... that will...” She opened her eyes and twisted her lips to the side. She blinked back tears and already resented the entire encounter.
“What if I can’t find him?” The hard edge of Zander’s voice pulled her gaze to his face. Challenge in Zander’s eyes made Hannah face her reality.
“Honestly? I can handle that. If you say you’re going to try and do something and you don’t actually do it, though, that’s worse because it’s an avenue not explored and it’s the what-ifs I can’t handle.” She lifted a hand and gripped the metal pole holding the chicken wire up. “It’s like when you don’t want to leave your post because you’re certain the person you’re waiting for is just a couple seconds behind. Then those seconds become minutes and then hours and soon you realize you’ve wasted years of your life waiting.” She was well into her twenties and she’d spent all of her life waiting for her brother to return to them.
After her parents had died, he’d become her world. Then he’d left.
Hannah had started believing she wasn’t worth staying for and she resented Nate for that.
Zander dropped his foot and moved to face Hannah. His lids drooped with a slumberous shift, hypnotically holding her gaze as he spoke with deep intent. “I’m a man of my word, Hannah Rourke.”
Trying to lighten the mood, Hannah breathed shallowly, nodding slowly, unable to shake his gaze. “Good. Not many are.” Had she just whispered at him? Where was her pride going? Was it okay for her to continue a relationship with Zander for more information about Nate? That’s the only real reason she could see herself staying friends with Zander. Ignoring the pull of his gaze and the arresting way his muscles flexed when he moved, Hannah could say that his scent was nice – but only if she was fine lying to herself.
A twinge in her stomach pulled her toward him with compelling strength. If Zander could find Nate, Hannah could finally ask her brother why she wasn’t enough for him to stick around.
Why did he have to leave her, when she’d lost everyone, too?
Chapter 6
Zander
Was Zander technically lying when he said he didn’t know a Nate Rourke? He didn’t know Nathan as Nate, he only knew him as Nathan Rourke. In fact, the few times he’d tried calling his friend Nate, he’d been snapped at that he went by Nathan.
Somehow Zander had to learn to keep his mouth shut around Hannah.
Not only had he lied to her, but now he had to come up with information on Nathan without giving away who Zander really was and why he was really at Bella Acres. Zander doubted Hannah would accept that he’d done everything in his power just to meet her. She seemed more pragmatic than that.
Sadly, he was starting to think he might have ruined his chances before he’d even begun. The whole plan and idea had seemed a whole lot smarter when he’d been driving there, heck, even as he’d concocted the entire scheme all alone in his huge house with visions of a large family and the anecdotes Nathan had shared when they’d been together.
Zander had to keep his hopes up. When Hannah fell in love with him, Zander would worry about telling her who he was. What woman would turn down the chance to be with a multi-millionaire? Especially once she already loved him? Obviously, he had no firm foundations in the matters of the heart. There weren’t a lot of options on his ranch, Silver Spoons, and the closest town was comprised of six-hundred or so people and no one his age had stuck around.
The bar was the best place to hang out and Nathan had gone there regularly which was how he’d become an unwitting matchmaker. Money or not, Zander feared Hannah wouldn’t forgive him about knowing where her brother was and not telling her.
Part of him hoped Hannah was the type of woman who wasn’t interested in money. He wanted her to want him for him, but how could she know him, when everything he was showing her was a lie?
Another part of him hoped she was the type of woman in love with the idea of her and family. If she was, then she’d understand the appeal of traveling all the way across the large state of Montana and getting hired in a job he paid over a hundred other men to do at his own huge ranch just to meet the Trails.
The Montana Trails had no idea how truly special they were.
Hannah finished the chickens and left him to go inside with a mumbled goodnight.
; If nothing else, he had to end that day on a good note. He took a deep breath and strode across the yard to the back door. He had to fix the mistake he’d made. Zander pulled his hat off again, playing with the brim as he approached the back door.
He knocked, waiting for Drake to answer.
Drake arched an eyebrow when he swung open the door. “I thought you’d be out relaxing with the other men, Zander.” His implication was clear – my home isn’t for the men to come to. Zander had the same rules at his ranch and he respected them. But this needed to be done.
“Yes, sir. I just wanted to make sure I first apologized for any indiscretions earlier. I certainly wasn’t trying to...” He craned his head until Stefanie was in view. He exhaled. “You need to hear this, too, ma’am.” Zander waited until Stefanie had moved into his line of view and he didn’t have to manipulate his body to see her. “I didn’t mean to be untoward to your wife – to you, ma’am. That wasn’t my intention. I thought the other woman was your wife.” He nodded. He couldn’t tell them anymore and he didn’t know what else to be said. “I’m sorry for the discomfort or awkwardness I might have caused.”
Drake laughed, glancing at Stefanie with a tenderness in his eyes. “Don’t worry, Zander. I appreciate the apology. It takes a certain kind of a man to admit when he’s made a mistake. I don’t blame you for flirting. She’s gorgeous and one of a kind. If it happens again though...” Drake cocked his head to the side, the promise evident even with his good-natured tone.
There wouldn’t a third chance and there’d probably be a solidly thrown punch to finish it.
“I respect that. Thank you.” Zander nodded, leaving them to their evening. All he had to do now was get Hannah to fall in love with him so he could quit lying and get back to respecting himself.
Chapter 7
Hannah
Moonlight spilled across her floor, shadows shifting and elongating where the rug sprawled across the wooden slats. The light was enough to fill the room with a dim silvery cast. She’d closed her door long before when she’d come upstairs. After changing into her pajamas, she’d opened the blinds and flipped off the lamp by her bed, welcoming the moon to glow through the glass.
Hannah lay on her bed, staring at the white rectangle of the envelope in her fingers. The light wasn’t bright enough to read her name or the logo of the Seattle Culinary Institute, but she didn’t need to be able to read that part. As long as she left the light off, she wouldn’t be able to read the inside contents.
She still hadn’t opened the flap yet. She didn’t want to. She couldn’t breathe.
In all honesty, even as nervous as she’d been with Zander, she’d rather go back outside and talk to him a little longer. Maybe they could talk about more uncomfortable topics. He’d disappeared after they spoken. She’d gone inside and peeked out the window to find him gone from where she’d left him. She wasn’t sure if she expected him to stand around or something, but she hadn’t expected him to ghost away in seconds.
She couldn’t help but want to ask him more about where he came from and find out more about him. Of course, she blamed that desire and curiosity on the fact that he might have more information about Nate. Wasn’t that what she wanted most?
There was something magnetic about Zander. Not just the charm in his smile or the easy way he spoke to her, it was something more... Shaking her head, Hannah had to remember she wasn’t interested. She had to keep reminding herself of that.
Being friends with Zander was okay, good even. Thoughts of Nate had occupied her mind for far too long. Another route to contact him had opened with Zander’s arrival and she couldn’t help but hope and that unnerved her.
Hope wasn’t good if she couldn’t control it. Hope would only end up hurting her, when it was dashed.
But if she wanted to let some hope in, she needed to admit her attraction to Zander and protect herself from it. Nothing good could come from something with a ranch hand. If she wanted to pursue the line of information on Nate through Zander, then she would have some kind of relationship with Zander. That was unavoidable and something she had to acknowledge and prepare for. Plus, she kind of felt bad that she was only pursuing anything with Zander because of the information about Nate. Did that make her a bad person? Was she leading Zander on?
Laying there, thinking of Nate always brought her back to thoughts of her mother. What would Mom say about all of it? Would she agree it was okay to use Zander for information? She might be disappointed in Hannah for treating someone else like that.
Hannah missed her mom, more than she would even admit to herself in the quiet of the night. When her parents had died, she’d been young and Stefanie and Nate had stepped in and finished raising her. But she’d always longed for that connection with an older woman and Emma had fulfilled that role for a little while.
Nate’s leaving hurt almost as bad as when her parents died and when Emma died. Hannah wasn’t sure how much more loss she could handle.
If she let herself care for Zander and he left – because he would – she wouldn’t have much left inside of her to recover and move on.
Because moving on was all she’d done since she was young.
Right then, she had the chance to move on with no loss to fuel her change. To make something of herself. A well of hope rushed through her and she felt in the pit of her chest that the envelope held her acceptance letter.
She needed to get into the school. She needed to get out of Clearwater County. She had to be able to escape the claustrophobia of small town life and her role as the “single youngest cousin”. Questions from her family about when was it going to be her turn were growing stale long ago.
Hannah sat up, flipping on the lamp. No more waiting. She had to face the possibilities in that small envelope.
Excitement quickened her breathing and she ripped into the top. The rustling and crinkling of paper filled the room as she pulled out the single sheet of paper and unfolded it.
The words didn’t read right for an acceptance. She blinked as she read over them again. Why were they sorry to inform her? Regret? The letter was riddled with form-letter-regret.
She’d been rejected.
“No. Wait.” Hannah murmured as she turned the page over to check the back for the real note, but the paper was blank. The front, the part under her name... how could they reject her? She had solid grades and she’d filled everything out.
She couldn’t breathe. Why? Why wasn’t she good enough for anything? For anyone?
Pressures from being unable to escape pushed around her and she crumpled the letter in her hand, ignoring the sharp points of the thick paper as she crushed it.
Standing, Hannah pulled on a flannel shirt over her sweat pants and t-shirt and rushed from the room. She needed to breathe and under her sister’s roof, she couldn’t... not right then. Not when everything seemed to be against her.
The fingers of moonlight were stronger, larger, more chilling in the evening air. She had no idea what time it was. The high point of the glowing orb confirmed it was much later than normal and she should be sleeping, but she couldn’t.
Not when her dreams were stripped away.
Hannah blinked back tears. She pushed through the gate, kicking the stubborn wood and rushing through the small opening. She cursed when her shirt caught on a nail and tore, the rending of fabric almost as loud as her whisper. The dark hid the endearing parts of the garden and it seemed like even the raspberry bushes loomed above her to intimidate and not console.
She didn’t need to get far inside the garden. Even the plants didn’t need to be comforting right then. She just had to get out of the house and get some fresh air. She flopped onto the rolling utility stool she used for weeding.
The garden was hers. No one else wanted anything to do with it. She could pretend for a few minutes that it was her home. Bella Acres was becoming less and less like her actual home and more and more like a prison with an indeterminable sentence. There was no end in sight.
She leaned over, resting her elbows on her knees and placing her face in her hands. What was she going to do?
Hannah didn’t want to stay there. She needed out. How was she going to get out? She had no where to go.
“Why are you crying?” Zander’s voice was low, as if he cherished the quiet of the night more than he worried about what was bothering her. He was close, his voice husky and intimate.
Hannah jerked her head back, looking up at him. Where had he come from? She glanced around, suddenly conscientious that she had tears streaking her cheeks. “Um, where did you come from?” The gate hadn’t squeaked, announcing his arrival and she had no idea if he was in there before her or not. She hadn’t taken the time to check. She’d assumed she was alone in her garden.
It was her garden!
He squatted to take a seat on a stump she’d covered in moss and surrounded with rocks in a project that was taking close to forever. The fact that he was there meant more than the whole plan behind the garden project. He tilted his head her way. “I needed some air. A bunkhouse of snoring men takes some getting used to.” His hat cast a shadow across his face, hiding if he was joking or not. “You didn’t answer my question. Why are you crying?”
His persistence combined with the intimacy of the night emboldened Hannah. “Because...” Did she tell him? Lulled by the quiet and the dark, she gave in to the anonymity of the dark. Plus, she didn’t have anyone to talk to. “My dream is to get out of here.”
Zander tilted his head to the side. “Why? Where would you go?”
“I want to be a chef, I need to go to school to do that, but that’s what I want.” Hannah had never told anyone – not one person. She’d once written a letter to Nate and told him, but she’d never mailed it. Letters were hard to send without an address.
A mild note of alarm traced Zander’s words. “So, stay here or...what? Where would you go?”
Lost Trails Page 4