by Lisa Suzanne
It was all falling down around me. I turned away from Ty and poured a cup of coffee. I held it out to him, but he subtly shook his head.
I took a sip, so consumed by his confession that I didn’t even put cream or sugar in the coffee. It tasted bitter going down, but I didn’t care. I didn’t know what to say to him.
“Look, let me give you some time to think about things, okay?”
“What was the first thing I said to you?”
“When we met?”
“When you started setting the rules for this thing between us.”
He nodded, my meaning dawning in his eyes. “You said that this would never be more than sex.”
“And what did you say?”
“I agreed. I said that I don’t do love.”
“So what the fuck is this, Tyler?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes were pleading with me.
He didn’t want to let me go, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to let him go, either. My words to him had been both truthful and harsh, but I’d never really thought about truly ending things with him. It wasn’t what I wanted, yet I didn’t want what he was offering me, either. And that was quite the epiphany considering my hung over state.
“You know my last relationship ended because he fell for me. I told you that up front. I said I didn’t want to complicate things.”
“Yeah, but girls say that and don’t really mean it. All girls want a relationship. All girls want to get married someday.”
“That may be true, Ty, but I’m not at that place in my life now. I don’t want more right now.” Even as the words came out of my mouth, I was sure that they were a lie. I did want more, but I didn’t want more with Tyler. When I thought about a future, I wanted to get married. I wanted children. I wanted the kind of husband my best friend Veronica had. He was the kind of man who had a difficult history but built his life around the love of his life. He was a great father and a loving man.
And when I looked at the man standing across from me, the man who screamed that he was MY TYPE in every single possible way, I didn’t see that future with him. I couldn’t envision him running around chasing after a toddler or making sacrifices to provide for his family. I didn’t see his ambitions to get more out of life. He would never be my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate until we were parted by death.
But as blue eyes flashed across my mind, I thought that just maybe I knew where I might be able to find those very things. It would take time, commitment, and understanding, but those were the things I was willing to do if it was right. And the clarity of my morning with Tyler had convinced me that it was right, and it was worth fighting for. We had a lot to learn about one another, but I was suddenly convinced that it was worth the risk.
I just wanted to see him. I wanted Tyler to go so that I could take a shower, freshen up, and surprise Reed. He was staying with my brother, so I knew where to find him.
I glanced up at him. He was silent as he processed my confession that I didn’t want more. “I think you need to go.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We aren’t finished talking.”
“Thank you for taking care of me last night, Ty. You’ve given me a lot to consider this morning, but I don’t want to get into a relationship.”
“Let’s forget I brought this up. Let’s go back to the way things were. We’ll fuck and then I’ll go.”
I grunted out a chuckle, more sure than ever in my decision. “That’s a really nice offer, but I’m going to have to decline.”
“Why are you being such a bitch, Quinn?”
“I’m not. I’ve just realized what I want, and it’s not a future with you.”
“So why can’t we go back to being fuck buddies?”
“Because it seems kind of pointless to carry on a relationship with someone when I know it will never go anywhere.”
“That’s so hypocritical. A minute ago you said you didn’t want more with me.”
I nodded. “You’re absolutely right. I did say that, and I still mean it.”
I saw the recognition in his eyes before he spoke. “It’s that blonde preppy guy, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t help the smile that broke out across my face at his characterization of Reed.
“Your smile says it all,” he said darkly.
“I’m sorry, Tyler. It’s been a fun few months with you, but it’s over.”
He shook his head with regret. “When you realize that you’re too good for that douche, give me a call.”
“I’d like to still be friends, Ty.”
“Maybe someday.”
“Don’t be an ass.”
“I’m not, Quinn. Forgive me if I am not ready to be your friend after being rejected by you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “For what it’s worth, I really like you. I like how you make me feel. I like hanging out with you.”
“I’m out,” he said, heading toward the door. I followed him.
He opened the door, and I touched his shoulder. “Tyler, I’m really sorry.”
He nodded, emotions I had never seen him express filling his eyes. He took me into a hug and held me against him for a moment, breathing in my hair. It was the most intimacy he’d ever expressed to me barring the way he held me the night before. If he’d have been more like this with me from the beginning, maybe I would’ve been able to envision a future with him. But all I could think about was the fact that he hadn’t ever treated me like that.
I squeezed my arms around him, more for support than anything else as I started to feel dizzy, and then he backed away, gazing down into my eyes. His were laced with sadness and regret. He leaned down and kissed my cheek, his stubble scratching me in that sexy way that I absolutely loved.
But it wasn’t what I needed anymore.
And just as he started walking down the hall, I glanced at the man who had been in the hallway watching our goodbye, the man holding flowers in his hands and wearing an expression of brokenness across his face.
A man with blue eyes that looked sad, angry, and confused all at once.
Tyler saw him, shook his head, and kept walking. Reed advanced down the hallway toward my door, and I thought about what Reed just saw. He had watched our goodbye, but surely it hadn’t looked like a permanent goodbye, not the way Tyler had held me and breathed me in and then bent and placed a kiss on my cheek. It had to have looked like two lovers parting after a night of ecstasy together.
He stood in front of me, and suddenly I found myself at a complete loss for words. My brain was mushy, and I felt lightheaded as I stared into those stormy blue eyes across from me. I couldn’t form coherent thoughts to explain what had just happened between Ty and me.
It was the goddamn painkillers.
I had forgotten the side effects they had on me, but once they hit, they inhibited my ability to think clearly. They made me dizzy and confused.
In hindsight, I probably should have gone with the ibuprofen.
But I couldn’t change it, and now I couldn’t figure out what to say to Reed.
I didn’t know how to explain away what he had just seen. I didn’t know how to tell him that I had ended things with Tyler so that the two of us could give things a try.
“Say something,” Reed said. His eyes were desperate, expressive as always, betraying his hard, even tone.
But my speech eluded me. On the one hand, I had no defense for what he had seen. I couldn’t pretend like I hadn’t just been with Tyler when I could still smell his cologne on my skin, even if it wasn’t for the reason that Reed thought. I couldn’t pretend that Tyler hadn’t spent the night in my bed, even though nothing had happened between the two of us.
“Reed, it’s not what you think.” It was a cliché, one that had been used on me before, but I didn’t know what else to say to defend myself.
“Then what is it?” His voice was a strangled whisper.
As I looked across from me into those eyes, I knew that it wasn’t what I deserved. He was Pr
eppy, he was sweet, and he was good. I didn’t deserve those things, not the way I’d treated men ever since Jared and Griffin had broken me for all other men.
“I just…” I trailed off. His eyes burned with anger. I wanted to defend myself, but my fears over taking a risk emerged and mingled with the dizziness and incoherence from the painkillers, causing me to stand there looking like an absolute guilty fool.
I knew from the very beginning that this was going to end in destruction, and I was absolutely right.
I just never imagined that I’d be the one lighting the match to the dynamite stick that caused this massive explosion. All along I thought that Reed would be the one to break my heart, not the other way around. And now all I had left in my chest was shrapnel where my heart used to reside. The feelings I’d been denying finally made themselves known at the very moment when my brain was malfunctioning. My long held fears mixed with my stupid choice to take painkillers over ibuprofen and caused this whole catastrophe.
Maybe I deserved Tyler. Maybe I deserved to be treated like he treated me because I was no better than he was. Maybe I didn’t deserve Reed and his goodness.
Whatever the right answer was didn’t matter, because I stared stupidly as Reed dropped the flowers he held in his hands at my feet. His eyes gazed into mine for one more long moment, and then he turned and walked down the hall. I was powerless to stop him.
CHAPTER 13
It was just after four o’clock when I woke up in a haze of confusion. I had fallen asleep on the floor by my front door. It all came rushing back to me when I spotted a bouquet of pink flowers lying on the floor next to me.
I picked up the flowers and found a tiny box in the center of the bouquet. I opened it and gasped.
It was a necklace with a silver owl charm dangling from the chain. It was simple and beautiful and thoughtful.
The two painkillers managed to help me get rid of the headache from the hangover, but now my head hurt for other reasons.
How had I gone from juggling two men to having nothing in the span of ten seconds?
How was it possible that I ended things with Tyler because I wanted to give things a try with Reed, only to fuck that up, too?
I felt those unfamiliar tears prick behind my eyes as I thought about the royal mess I found myself in. And when I remembered Reed’s strong arms encircling me just two nights earlier as I cried away the demons from my past, the tears fell harder.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to fix it, but I didn’t know how to explain what Reed had seen. Plus I was still scared shitless to take the risk that I was thinking about taking.
The last thing I remembered was closing the door after Reed had disappeared around the corner, never looking back at me, and then I crumbled to the floor.
I stretched, stiff from sleeping on the floor.
I stood and checked my phone, hoping that maybe Reed had texted me.
Instead I found a text from my brother.
What the fuck did you do to him?
Shit.
I sunk down to the floor and stared at the offending text.
That one line from my brother felt like an icy hand squeezing my heart, and that was the moment I knew.
Reed was worth the risk.
He was worth overcoming my fears and taking a chance.
He was worth the risk of finding my forever.
I don’t know what changed from that morning to when I woke up from my “nap,” but suddenly everything was perfectly clear to me. I had the opportunity of a lifetime, and I had to see where things could possibly go with Reed. I had to set my fears of getting hurt aside, because sitting on the floor in my apartment alone, not knowing whether Reed would ever talk to me again and not knowing what he was thinking, hurt me more than not trying would.
I called Grant.
“Quinn?”
“Is he okay?” I whispered.
“No, he isn’t.”
“Fuck.”
“What happened?” My brother’s tone was demanding.
“He saw me saying goodbye to someone else this morning, but it’s not what he thinks.”
“Right.”
“Seriously? You aren’t even going to listen?”
“No, I’m not. There isn’t any defense.”
“Yes, there is,” I said, my voice pleading with my brother to hear me out. He was maybe the one person who could help me fix this.
“Quinn, he just got out of a relationship. His ex cheated on him. Then he sees the girl he’s falling for with another guy?”
I was silent.
“Quinn?”
“He’s falling for me?” I swiped at the tears suddenly streaming down my cheeks.
“Fuck.”
“What?” I sniffled.
“Are you crying?”
“Answer my question.”
“I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”
“Too late.”
Grant sighed.
“Tell me what he said.”
“I’m not going to betray his trust more than I already have.”
“I need you on my side, Grant.”
“Should’ve thought of that when you fucked the bartender and fucked over my friend.”
“You’re being cruel.”
“Think about what you did to him.”
“Tell me what’s going on with him, at least.”
“He stormed in here and said he wished he’d never moved here. My company can’t afford to lose him, so I swear to God if you fucked this up for me—”
“Fuck you, Grant,” I spat out, interrupting him. “Thanks for caring more about yourself than your sister.”
I hung up on my brother.
It was immature, obviously, but I didn’t want to hear about how I fucked everything up. I already knew that. I needed some course of action to fix this.
I dialed Reed’s number, knowing before I even dialed that he wasn’t going to answer. I was right.
So I sent a carefully crafted text.
It wasn’t what it looked like. Please let me explain.
I took a shower, hoping that by the time I got out, there’d be a reply.
There wasn’t.
I sent another text. Are we still on for tonight?
It was a question. He was a polite guy. He would feel compelled to answer.
But he didn’t. And as twenty minutes turned into an hour and I still hadn’t heard back from him, I wasn’t sure what to do.
So I got dressed, carefully clasping the owl necklace around my neck, and drove over to my brother’s house.
The Prius wasn’t in the driveway.
I parked on the street across from the house and walked up to the front door. My brother’s front yard needed some work. I noticed some weeds and a few bushes in need of some trimming. But that was Grant.
His house was a nice, three-bedroom place with all sorts of upgrades. He made good money, and he’d managed to turn the entire place into a swanky bachelor pad.
I rang the bell, and my brother opened the door a minute later.
“What do you want?” he greeted me.
I pushed past him and entered the house.
Grant’s voice was behind me as I walked down the hall into his family room. “He isn’t here.”
I whirled around. “Where is he?”
“I’m not at liberty to discuss that with you.”
“Fuck off. Tell me.”
“Yeah, because you’ve been such a peach to me all day.”
I sighed, forcing my hands out of the fisted balls I suddenly found them in and trying to control my temper. “I’m sorry,” I said through gritted teeth. “I have completely fucked things up with Reed, and I need to straighten it out.”
“You’re adorable, little sis.”
“I hate you.”
“I’ve never seen you chase a man before.”
“I never have, Grant.”
“I guess we’ve got Mom and Dad to thank for that.”
“What
the fuck are you talking about?”
“Our good genes. I don’t chase bitches, either.”
“God, you’re a pig.”
He grinned a cheesy grin at me, and I rolled my eyes.
“Tell me where he is.”
“I don’t know where he is. We’re men. We don’t run our plans by each other.”
“We were supposed to have a date tonight.”
“Maybe he went out with someone else.”
“You are such an asshole.”
He grinned at me again and I reared my arm back to punch him. He grabbed my arm before I could pound into him.
“Quinn, don’t take your shit out on me.”
“I’m just trying to fix this.”
“I know. I’ll tell him you came by.”
“Can I stay here until he gets home?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Please, Grant?” I begged, my voice taking on an edge of hysterical desperation.
“You’ve really got it for him.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I do.”
“Well I’m pretty sure he feels the same, and for that reason only, I’ll let you hang out for a while.”
“Like you were going to get me to leave.”
He shook his head at me, laughing.
“Thank you, Grumpy.”
“Don’t fuck him over again, Curley Q.”
“I won’t.”
“I have to get going. I’ve got a date tonight myself.”
“With who?”
“None of your nosy business.”
“Have fun. Hope she blows you off.”
“You’re such a bitch.”
“Right back at you, bro.”
He grinned and mussed my hair like a stereotypical big brother, and then he left.
I settled onto Grant’s black leather couch and made myself at home. I glanced over at the end table only to find the latest issue of Playboy. I was immediately grossed out at the thought that my brother may have just been reading that magazine in the very same seat where I sat. I instinctively looked around for a sticky spot, feeling much better when I didn’t see one.
Brothers were so fucking gross.
I flicked on the television, settling on the news and realizing how hungry I was. I helped myself to some cereal I found in the cabinet, and the spoon was halfway between my bowl and my mouth when I heard the front door open.