by Lisa Suzanne
At least I assumed they were based on how I was feeling.
“Yes, I am.” I turned toward my car, and he was behind me in an instant. He pulled my arm and turned me toward him, and his mouth crashed down to mine.
I pushed him away, once again not realizing where I had pushed until I saw the grimace on his face. “Reed, it’s over. I have to get to work.”
I got in my car, started it, and pulled away, leaving behind a very Perplexed Porter.
Buckcherry blared from my speakers. Josh Todd sang about crazy bitches, and I was certain that the song echoed Reed’s exact thoughts.
I couldn’t believe I did it. It was really over. And as soon as the shock of that wore off, I knew I’d be a mess.
I was used to acting. I was used to putting on an appearance like everything was fine when on the inside I was falling apart.
That was the thought that got me through first hour.
But the panic started second hour, and I couldn’t make it stop.
It attacked me with a vengeance.
I went to Veronica’s classroom next door and interrupted her class while my own students got to work on a writing assignment.
“Are you okay?” Her face expressed alarm as she looked at me. I shook my head, and she met me in the hall.
“Fuck, Veronica. Fuck.”
“What happened?”
“I’m freaking out right now.”
“Why?”
“Panic attack.”
“Go. Go talk to Jesse. I’ll get coverage for your class.”
I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to talk to Veronica, but she was teaching. Jesse, one of our school’s counselors, was a close second to my best friend, and maybe he’d be able to provide some male perspective.
I walked like a zombie down to his office. Luckily he was in there and he was alone.
I shut the door and sat in an open chair, rocking back and forth.
He grabbed a bottle of water out of his mini-fridge and handed it to me. He knelt beside me. “What’s going on?”
“I broke it off with Reed.”
“And you’re panicking?”
“It was the wrong decision. It was the right decision. Fuck, I’m so fucking confused, Jesse. I just did it right before I left for work, and just now it hit me that I actually did it. I’m no good for him. I can’t keep letting him get hurt because of me.” I was babbling, and hysterical tears started racing down my cheeks.
“Slow down, Quinn. Tell me what you need.”
“I need Reed,” I wailed. I shivered, feeling suddenly cold despite the heat licking up through my torso and escaping through my collar.
“Tell me what I can do.”
“Tell him I was wrong. It’s all wrong. I should call him. I should tell him it’s all wrong.” I shivered violently and felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.
Jesse helped me into his suit jacket, rubbing my arms to warm me.
“Quinn, I think you’re in shock.”
“Of course I am! I just broke up with the best thing that ever happened to me! What the fuck did I do? Why did I do it?” The shivering stopped as I felt heat take over. I tore off the jacket and tossed it away from me. Jesse carefully picked it up and placed it on his chair.
“You tell me. What did you do?”
“I told you! I broke up with Reed!”
“Why?”
“Because he keeps getting hurt! He got his fucking ass kicked because of me. He’s broken everywhere. I keep on hurting him. I can’t take it. I can’t hurt him anymore.”
“Isn’t that something he should decide?”
I shook my head vehemently. I opened the bottle of water and drank half of it down in a few quick gulps.
“No, Jesse. No.”
He nodded for me to continue, and I was suddenly so grateful for him and Veronica and their friendship.
“No, no, no. I can’t be with him. I did the right thing.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded, starting to feel my heart rate return to normal as the panic receded. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I just freaked out.”
“You’re okay. It was a panic attack.”
“Oh my God, I ditched my class!”
“V got you coverage. Don’t worry. You can stay in here as long as you’d like.”
“I’m okay. I need to get back.” I wiped my eyes and stood.
“Stop.” He motioned for me to sit back down, so I did. “Take a few deep breaths with me.” We breathed in and out slowly, and it really did help. “Now tell me one more time.”
“I ended things right before work this morning. I promised myself that I would stop hurting him, and I knew that as soon as he was healed enough, I needed to let him go. I’m doing this because I love him. I’m putting him first.”
“Won’t losing you hurt him more?” Jesse asked softly. I hadn’t thought about that.
“He’s better off without me.”
“Are you positive about that?”
I nodded. I was certain. This was for the best.
And the more I told myself that, the more I would believe it. Eventually.
I didn’t want to go home and be reminded of Reed. Reminders of him would be everywhere. The couch where we’d made love the night before. The bed where we slept. The bathroom where we’d gotten ready together that morning. The kitchen table where we’d eaten dinner.
“Can I stay with you and Veronica tonight?”
“Of course. Whatever you need.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“So are you, Quinn. You’ve always been there for V, and we’ll both be here for you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
A noise sounded from his computer, and I recognized it as a calendar reminder. He glanced at the screen.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Listen, stay in here until the end of the hour. Call V if you need to stay longer and she’ll get you coverage. I don’t want to leave you, but I have a meeting with the admin team that starts in five minutes.”
“Go. I’m fine.”
“One more deep breath for me.”
I did as instructed, and he nodded as if he was satisfied with the result.
“Come back down here immediately if you feel any discomfort. Okay?”
I nodded. “Thanks again.”
He nodded, grabbed his notebook, and left.
I took another shaky breath and wondered if I was really going to be okay.
CHAPTER 23
When I returned to my classroom, I checked my phone. I had two missed calls and five texts from Reed, and it had been less than an hour since I’d last checked my phone.
Text 1: Quinn, don’t do this to us.
Text 2: This isn’t over. We aren’t over.
Text 3: If you’re serious about protecting me from pain, you’re going about it the wrong way. I’ve never felt pain like this. I’d rather have twelve broken ribs than feel like it’s over between us.
Text 4: I’m at work now. I’ll have my phone on all day. Call me, please.
Text 5: One last text. I love you. That has to mean something to you. Owl always love my Quinn.
That last text was maybe the cheesiest text I’d ever received in my life, yet it made me want to cry. I threw my phone down on my desk before the tears started again.
Kids started entering my classroom, so I took a deep breath and put on my teacher hat, trying unsuccessfully to put my personal life out of my mind while I did what I got paid to do.
Veronica and I ate lunch in private, and I filled her in on the whole sordid story.
“Are you sure that’s what’s best?” she asked.
She and her husband were an awful lot alike.
I went right to Veronica’s house after school, bypassing my apartment completely. I could borrow whatever I needed from Veronica, and besides, Reed would be persistent.
I collapsed on the couch while Veronica took care of the baby and Jesse made dinner. They were a perfect pair. As I watched them interact and felt nostalgia for what I’d ended only twelve hours earlier, I prayed that someday I would find that, too.
Maybe staying with the most stable, balanced, happy couple I knew wasn’t a good idea.
My phone buzzed with yet another text, this one from my brother.
What the fuck did you do now?
I didn’t respond.
Reed had been texting me all day. They ranged from hopeful to desperate to angry. Some were even romantic.
But through all of them, I was absolutely convinced that I had handled things the right way.
Grant texted me once more toward the end of the evening. Don’t forget brunch at Mom and Dad’s tomorrow.
Fuck.
Reed would be there for sure.
My parents looked at him like a second son.
No way was I going to that fucking brunch.
I texted my mom. Broke it off with Reed. Not coming for brunch.
It was bitchy for sure, but I wasn’t in a place where I cared.
My phone rang a minute after I sent the text. My mom wanted to know why, I was sure, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.
I was miserable, and when I woke up the next morning, life still felt pretty bleak.
I wanted Reed back. I wanted his warm arms surrounding me. I wanted his love and his kindness and his security. I wanted his calming blue eyes. I even wanted to be trapped against the wall with him, knowing that I wouldn’t panic because it was Reed, my protector and my knight in shining armor.
Instead, I was lonely and miserable trying to protect him from the worst thing that could happen to him.
Jesse served Veronica and me coffee and toast, and I thanked them for letting me spend the night. Then I headed back to my apartment, figuring Reed wouldn’t be pounding down my door with the impending brunch at my parents’ house.
But I got the shock of my life when I walked into my apartment and Reed was asleep on my couch.
Fuck.
I was about to turn around and back out of the apartment, but his eyes fluttered open. He stretched gingerly, careful because he was still in a lot of pain, and I wanted to rush to his side and kiss him everywhere.
But I didn’t.
I stood in my doorway, debating whether to enter my apartment or turn and run while I gauged his state of mind.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
I knew I looked like hell. I had cried myself to sleep, so my eyes were puffy and I hadn’t washed off my make-up. I was wearing the same clothes he had last seen me in the day before when I broke up with him.
“Waiting for your ass to get home.”
“Well here I am,” I said, stepping through the doorway and holding the door open for him. “You can go now.”
“Back to square fucking one,” he muttered, not moving from his place on my couch.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that we’re right back where we started. You’re being stubborn and a little bitchy and I’m falling right into your trap.”
He was right. I was being stubborn and bitchy, but I had to push him away. As much as I wanted to rush into his arms, it was wrong for me to put myself first when I knew what he needed.
“I don’t want to play games, Quinn.”
“I’m not playing a game.”
“Ending things out of the blue? That’s a fucking game.”
“No, it’s not. I ended things because I need to protect you.”
“From what?”
“From me!” I yelled. I slammed the door shut.
He stood and stalked his way toward me. “Look, if you’re going to play games, you’re going to lose. I’m going to win.”
“By breaking into my apartment?”
“You may have forgotten that your brother has a key.”
I rolled my eyes. Grant. Of course, fucking Grant.
“Please just go.” My voice was strained and desperate.
“Why are you trying to end this?” His voice was soft.
“I told you,” I whispered.
“Then fucking tell me again.”
“Because you keep getting hurt and it’s my fault.”
“Did you read the texts I sent?”
I didn’t answer. I’d read every single one. I pored over them the night before, crying harder with each sweet sentiment and knowing that I’d made the right choice because I didn’t belong with someone like Reed.
“I meant every word, Quinn. I have never felt like this before, and I am not going to let you go easily.”
I sighed. “Do what you want. I’m taking a shower.”
“Well I want to join you in that shower, so if I’m doing what I want…” he trailed off, a sly grin forming on his lips as his eyes glinted.
I headed down the hallway toward my bathroom, and he followed me. I closed the door behind me, locking it securely, and I heard his frustrated sigh followed by a soft thud on the door – either his head or his fist, I wasn’t sure.
I had to admit that my heart was racing just knowing that we shared the same space.
I wasn’t sure why I didn’t automatically fly into his arms, but I figured it was the new Quinn. It was me doing what was right for someone else, and taking him back would be a selfish move.
Jesse’s words floated back to me as I showered. Won’t losing you hurt him more?
I wasn’t sure, but he looked so fucking cocky sitting there on my couch as I yelled at him to get out. He wasn’t budging, and deep down, I didn’t want him to. Deep down, I wanted us to work this out. But I couldn’t allow it. I had to be strong for him.
I had to exit the bathroom in just a towel since I hadn’t thought ahead to bring any clothes in there with me. He stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall as he waited for me. He followed me into my bedroom.
“Quinn in a towel smelling like a summer day,” he said.
I almost smiled, but I stopped myself.
I picked out some panties (boy shorts with owls all over them) and a matching bra, and I grabbed my favorite owl t-shirt and some shorts. I took my clothes back to the bathroom, but Reed stood in the doorway of my bedroom, refusing to let me pass.
“Move,” I said.
He didn’t budge.
“Reed.” I was annoyed. He needed to let it go.
“Yes, Quinn?”
“Fucking move.”
He shook his head. “Not until you tell me what I want to hear.”
“What’s that?”
“That you love me. That this was all a big mistake.”
“Reed, I do love you. And that’s why this is not a mistake. That’s why I have to let you go.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Good. I’m glad I could provide that entertainment for you.” I pushed him out of my way, and he winced once more.
I fucking did it again. I pushed him right in his damn broken ribs.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Seriously.
But the push managed to get him out of the doorway. I went back to the bathroom and shut the door, dressed quickly, and ran a comb through my wet hair.
I exited the bathroom and headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee only to find that Reed had already started a pot. I grabbed a diet Coke from the refrigerator and guzzled it down while I waited for the coffee.
Reed was back on the couch, scrolling through his cell phone.
“Are you staying here all day?” I finally asked.
“Well, we’ve got brunch in about an hour. But, yeah, I was planning to come back here after. Or we could go to Grant’s place.”
“Will you stop acting like nothing happened?”
He shook his head. “You want to play games? Let’s fucking play, baby.”
A tingle shot up my spine at his words and the way he was trying to turn
the tables on me by taking complete control of the situation.
“I already told you, Reed. This isn’t a game. Now I have shit to do today, so I’d appreciate it if you left.”
“I’m only leaving to go to brunch, and I’m only leaving if you’re coming with me.”
I heaved out a frustrated sigh. I literally didn’t know what to do.
I went to the bathroom to put on my make-up, and when I came out, he was still sitting on my couch.
“Ready?” he asked.
“I’m not going.” I poured some coffee into a travel mug, grabbed my keys and purse, and walked out.
He was right behind me.
“Come with me. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just give me that.”
“Why, Reed? Why prolong the inevitable?”
“You’re the only one prolonging the inevitable.”
I sighed. “Fine. I’ll go with you on one condition.”
He nodded.
“You bring me home after brunch and leave me alone for the rest of the day.”
“Deal.”
That was easier than I thought it would be.
I got into the Prius that I’d somehow missed being in the parking lot when I had arrived home that morning, knowing that this was a total mistake. Knowing that each second I spent with Reed was another second that I’d fall more in love with him, and that would only make our split that much harder on me.
DHT’s “Listen to your Heart” played softly in the background, and I found myself lost in the lyrics. I needed to listen to my own heart before telling him goodbye.
My heart leaned toward Reed. It was my stupid brain telling me that I needed to let him go.
I sat silently, arms folded across my chest in a defensive position as I stared out the window.
Reed’s hand found my thigh and little tingles exploded from the spot where he touched me. I was wearing shorts, and the feel of his palm against my skin was electric. “Quinn, this isn’t over.” His voice was soft. “This is just the start for us. I’m not letting you end it for no reason.”
“I have a reason.”
“Not a valid one.”
I sighed in response. This was getting us nowhere.
He didn’t move his hand from my leg, and the tingles still shot through me where his hand connected with my skin. “At the very least, stay with me until I’m healthy.”
“You’re good enough to go to work and you’re good enough for sex. You’re healthy.”