"Oh, you won’t. I’m sure of that."
"Well, it really has been great to meet you, Mackenzie. If you take after your mother, then I’m sure you have a match on your hands."
Aww. How sweet is that?
Jeff gets up from the booth we’ve been sitting in and holds his hand out to help me up. A gentleman. More bonus points for him. He also holds the door for me as we leave. Chivalrous as well. I like this guy. Hell, if I was twenty years older, I’d date him. If it wasn’t for Dan, obviously.
"Can I give you a lift home?" Jeff asks, as we are standing outside in the cold October air.
"No, it’s okay, I left my car in work, it’s only down the road."
"Okay then, well, thank you for a nice evening."
"Thank you, Jeff." I hand him my business card. "My phone number is on there, in case you need anything or have any problems making it on Sunday."
"Thanks, Mac. It’s been great. Take care of yourself."
"You too," I tell him and walk away smiling. What a nice guy. And how brilliant would it be if this all worked out on the first try? How perfect would that be? How wrong would that prove Dan?
CHAPTER 6
I knock on my mum’s door somewhat nervously.
"You know, you don’t have to knock, Mac," Mum pulls the door back to let me in. "You can just use your key and come in."
"No thanks. I’d rather knock. This is your house."
"Well, maybe if you’d give me a key to your place you wouldn’t feel so bad."
"Mum, you’re not having our key."
"Mac, why do I have to repeatedly ask you not to call me Mum? Mum is for old people. I’m Eleanor. El will do. Twenty-seven–year-olds have names like El."
"You’re not twenty-seven, Mu- Eleanor."
"What are you trying to do, make me feel better?"
"No, I just… Never mind. I have some exciting news."
"Oh god, you’re not going to make me a grandmother, are you? I’ll never forgive you if you do."
"No, no grandkids. I’ve told you a million times, Dan and I aren’t having kids."
"I know. But accidents do happen. You are using a good brand name of condoms aren’t you? Because those cheap ones…"
"Mum!"
"Eleanor."
"Fine. Eleanor. I’m not going to discuss my contraception issues with you. I have some good news for you. Do you want to know or would you rather give me a rundown of Durex versus Trojan?"
She sighs dramatically. "Fine, fine. Go ahead."
"You have a date."
"A date?"
"Yep, on Sunday night. He’s called Jeff. He’s my friend from work’s father. You remember Jenni, right? The hairdresser? Well, her father is lovely and I want you to meet him."
"Why?"
"Because I think you’ll get on really well. He likes dogs and gardening, and he’s very cute and charming."
"But why? Why would I want to go on a date with someone I’ve never met?"
"Because it’ll be fun. And it’ll be good for you to meet new people. And Jeff really is lovely. Besides, it’s all arranged. You can’t back out now."
"But… But… How will I know him?"
"I’m going to drive you there. It’s a lovely restaurant, just off South Bank Street. I’ll wait with you until Jeff shows up, and he’ll bring you home afterwards. See? Perfect."
"What if I hate him and don’t want him to bring me home?"
"Then you call me and I’ll come and get you. Or you get a taxi. But you’ll like him, trust me."
"Mackenzie, I’m too old for this blind dating stuff that you young people are so fond of."
"I thought you wanted to be twenty-seven."
"Look, we both know I’m not twenty-seven."
"Good, because then you’d have given birth to me when you were minus two years old."
"Right. But Mac, I haven’t been on a date in… Well, it’s embarrassing to admit how long. I can’t just turn up there and charm him like it’s the most natural thing in the world."
"One—he hasn’t dated in years either, and two—he’s a great guy and you’ll really like him. Seriously, you’ll be at ease within seconds."
"What about Baby? He’ll be lonely on his own."
"I’m sure he’ll manage for a couple of hours."
"Can he stay with you?"
"No! My plants will never forgive me."
"I don’t know why you let that boyfriend of yours talk you into buying plants, they always die, like that big thing in the corner of your living room."
"It would still be alive today if your little dog hadn’t peed on it. But that’s not the point. The point is, you’re going on Sunday, even if I have to drag you there. I promise you’ll enjoy it."
"Well, what does he look like?"
"He’s tall, with dark hair and nice blue eyes. You’ll like him."
"I prefer blonds."
"As do gentlemen," I sigh. "If he’s a nice guy, why does his hair colour matter?"
She shrugs. "All right, all right. I’ll go. But what should I wear?"
"We’ll find something," I tell her. "I’ll come over tomorrow and we’ll have a look through your closet, okay?"
She nods.
Finally.
"Well, that was hard work." I flop down on the sofa next to Dan when I finally get home.
"How’d it go?" He kisses the top of my head.
"Fine. Jeff was nice, and Mum took a bit of persuasion but not as much as I thought, actually."
"That’s promising."
"It is. I have to go over there tomorrow and help her find something to wear."
"Oh." Dan looks dejected. "I have the day off from work. I thought we could do something tomorrow."
"We still can. I’ll go over there in the morning."
"Mac, this is your mother we’re talking about here. She’ll do anything she can to keep you there all day. Looking through her closet will turn into an all day shopping trip to buy Baby seven new outfits."
I sigh. "Yeah, you’re probably right. But just think of the result. If I’m right with this idea, Dan, she’ll be so busy dating that she’ll probably forget you and I exist."
"Yeah, right."
"Don’t be pessimistic. It’ll work."
"I actually wanted to talk to you about this whole you meeting the guys first thing."
I glance up at him. "You’re not jealous of some old guys twice your age, are you?"
"No. I just don’t like you being out alone with strange men, and I had an idea about it."
"Go on…"
"Bring them to Belisana. Whatever guys you have to meet, have dinner with them in Belisana, that way I can keep an eye on you and make sure that they don’t try anything funny."
"Dan, just how many men do you think there are going to be?"
"This is your mother we’re talking about. The same woman who once took cans of paint back to B&Q four times because she couldn’t decide on a colour. A colour she still complains about now, might I add. She’s never going to be happy with a guy. She’ll pick him apart until there’s nothing left."
"You don’t know that. Maybe it’ll work out with Jeff, and at their wedding we’ll look back at this conversation and laugh."
"Wedding? Sweetie pie, she’ll be seventy before she chooses a hat."
I laugh. "Okay, so it doesn’t have to be perfect, but I want her to be happy. She could be happy with Jeff. They have stuff in common, he seemed very nice, and he has two dogs. What more could she ask for?"
"Don’t get me wrong here, I think what you’re doing is great, but even you can’t honestly expect it to work on the first try."
"Why can’t I? He’s a nice guy. You just have to be optimistic."
"There’s optimistic and then there’s delusional."
"For god’s sake, Dan. Is it too much to ask that my boyfriend support me on this?"
"I support you. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. And I don’t wanna get mine up. It would be
great if she could find a man and leave us alone, but it’ll never happen, especially on the first date."
"We’ll see about that. I’m going to take a shower."
I’m in a bit of a huff as I stomp up the stairs. Why can’t Dan once, just once, say "hey, great idea, Mac. That’ll work" and mean it? I mean, I love Dan, and I know he gets a kind of raw deal from living so close to my mother, but can’t he just be supportive? I support him when he wants to try cooking new dishes at the restaurant even when they sound disgusting. But I do, because that's what partners do. And all Dan says when I need his support in return is "yeah, like that’ll work". You never know, it might. It would be so weird if it did. Jenni and I might end up becoming stepsisters. I wonder if she’s thought about that. I decide to call her, even though I’m still kind of seething at Dan.
"Hello?" Jenni picks up after the third ring.
"Do you realise that we might become stepsisters one day?"
She laughs. "Dad said he liked you."
"I liked him too. He’s great. You should’ve told me you had such a cool dad before."
"So, your mum’s meeting him on Sunday night?"
"Uh huh."
"Does she know that yet?"
"Yep. She’s agreed. I think she might even be a little bit excited, but she won’t admit it."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Wow."
"I know. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and thank you for getting your dad to agree, he seemed really nice and I think my mother will really like him too."
"Are you okay? You sound a little off?"
"Yeah, fine. Just Dan, you know, being his usual supportive self."
"Oh. What’s he done this time?"
"Nothing, not really. He just doesn’t think that this idea of setting my mum up with a guy is ever going to work."
"Why not?"
"He says she’s too picky and it took her four tries to choose a colour to paint her living room, so she’ll never be happy with a man."
"Is that what you think?"
"I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it would work. She needs to be happy again, Jen, that’s why she’s always over at mine and Dan’s place. She needs someone of her own so she won’t be lonely. It’ll work."
"Well, I say good luck to you. And to my dad. It sounds like he’ll need it."
"She’s not that bad."
"I’m serious about what I said before," Dan says when I come downstairs. "I want you to bring all the guys you have to meet to Belisana. That way, not only can I keep an eye on you, but you won’t have to pay for any food."
"I won’t?"
"Nope. Your entire date will be on me, and nobody argues with the head chef."
"Seriously? You’d do that for me?"
"Yeah. Why not?"
"The thing is, whether a guy offers to pay or not is a good way to size him up. Not that I expect men to pay for my food, but it’s nice if they offer."
"Okay, so don’t tell him it’s on the house. If he offers to pay then tell him he doesn’t have to. If he expects you to pay for your own then let him pay for his own. We won’t turn down his money."
"You’re sure?"
"Course I’m sure. No point in dating a chef if he can’t get you free food when you’re taking other men on dates."
I roll my eyes at him. "I’m not taking other men on dates, Dan. I’m just figuring out if they’re good enough to take my mum on a date."
He laughs.
"Besides, I have a good feeling about Jeff."
CHAPTER 7
Dan is completely right about the following day—after spending an hour going through my mum’s wardrobe, she decides that there’s nothing for it but for me to come shopping with her to pick something out. And I really do think she’s a little excited about this date, because there’s an unusual spring in her step. By the time we get home on Saturday night, Dan is in work and my feet are aching. But I leave Mum—whose worry about Baby miraculously dissipated when the credit cards came out—to fawn over her new outfit. Actually, make that outfits. Plural. I’ve promised to go round and help her get ready and put her makeup on before the big date. I have to drive her there anyway. I feel like I would imagine the mother of a teenager feels before her daughter goes to the prom.
Sunday afternoon is spent in a bubble of preening and puffing. My mum is excited. She’s finally realised how lonely she’s been and has realised that it’s not too late to start dating again. At least, that’s what I think. It’s not like she’s actually said any of that to me, of course, but a daughter can just tell these things.
"So, how do I look?" Mum finally appears from the bathroom. I look up from scratching Baby’s ears.
"You look amazing," I say.
And she does. She looks very refined and pretty. She’s wearing plain black trousers and a pale blue, billowing top with flowing sleeves. Her slightly darker blue clutch bag matches her earrings and her shoes, and her bare minimum makeup tops the whole picture off. She looks lovely. And much unlike her normal self, which is usually tracksuits—she is a yoga teacher after all—and too much make up—because, "that’s how the kids wear it these days."
Yeah. If the kids used a shovel to put their eyeshadow on.
And look nice she might, but I realise I left out one key part of the makeup tutorial—scent.
"Holy crap." I cough for effect. "What is that smell?"
"Chanel Number Five. Zsa Zsa Gabor wears Chanel Number Five."
"Not that much."
"But you have to make an impression."
"Oh, you’ll make an impression all right. Can you wash it off?"
"What, all of it?"
"Well, how much did you use, half the bottle?"
"No, a quarter."
"You don’t need to be sarcastic with me, Mum."
"Eleanor."
"Mother. Just go and run a flannel across your neck and wrists. Try to tone it down a bit."
"Okay, okay." She retreats back to the bathroom.
"Are we ready?" I shout upstairs.
It is nearly half past seven and while I don’t want to be standing outside for hours, I don’t want to be late. Plus it would be just our luck to get stuck in traffic.
"I’m ready," she says after a few minutes. As she comes down the stairs again I notice that although the perfume isn’t as strong as it was, it still enters a room long before she does.
She kisses Baby goodbye, smudging her lipstick on his fur.
"Mum!" I complain, wiping it off with a tissue.
"Who are you, my mother?"
"It sure feels like it," I say wearily, climbing into the driver’s seat.
Jeff is waiting outside when I pull up twenty minutes later. I flash my headlights at him and park in a no waiting zone. I’m not getting out. This is their date, and they are welcome to it. Before I know it, Jeff is around the other side of the car, pulling my mother’s door open for her. What a perfect gentleman. I hope she’s as impressed as I am by him.
"You must be Eleanor," he says, taking her hand and leaning over to kiss her cheek. "I’m Jeffrey, but please call me Jeff."
"Hi," my mother says, giggling a little.
Jeff leans down and pops his head in the car door. "Evening Mackenzie, are you joining us?"
"No," I say quickly, horrified at the mere thought. "No, no. Just delivering your date. Nice to see you again, Jeff."
"You too."
"I’ll see you later," I call to Mum. "Phone us if you need anything."
"I will do, thanks darling."
Jeff shuts the door for me and I speed away, glad to have witnessed the first meeting of what could soon become a great couple.
Dan and I spend the evening curled up together on the sofa, watching a DVD in peace. Although it's nice, I have to admit that I can’t really keep my mind off Mum and her date. I hope she phones later when she gets home. I want to know if this is going to be the next great love of her life. But apparently, my mother c
an go one better than a phone call. Just after ten p.m. her special knock sounds on the door.
"Oh crap," Dan groans.
"Be prepared to be proved wrong, Dan," I jump up to answer it.
"Look Mac, wave to Jeff." Mum says as I pull the door open. I wave in the general direction of a black BMW currently doing a U-turn in our street.
"So, come in. How was it? He’s great, right?"
"Oh yes, yes, he’s lovely." Mum sits down in an armchair. I sit back next to Dan, who’s put the DVD on pause and so far isn’t looking very impressed.
"I knew you’d like him."
"Oh, I do. He’s such a lovely man. So charming. He pulled my chair out for me, and opened all the doors. He bought me a rose, look." She thrusts it at me. "We even danced."
"You see, what did I tell you?" I nudge Dan’s knee.
"And he showed me a picture of his dogs—he carries one around in his wallet, like I do. So we swapped dog stories, and we laughed, and he isn’t very fit but he says he wants to learn yoga. And he thought you were a great kid. He was really impressed with you and said that I’d obviously brought you up well…"
"Really? That’s great."
"I know. I feel like I did when I was nineteen and courting your father."
"Except no one calls it courting anymore," Dan quips.
I elbow him in the ribs.
"So, when are you going to see him again?"
"I’m not."
What?
"I’m sorry, what?"
"I’m not."
"Not?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Oh, I don’t know. I just don’t want to. But I had a lovely night. Do you have anymore for me?"
My head is spinning with this new information.
"What? Huh? Anymore of what?"
"Men. You know, like Jeff. Available men."
"What’s wrong with Jeff?"
"Nothing’s wrong with Jeff, I just don’t think we’re very compatible."
"He couldn’t be more compatible if he’d been created in a test tube."
"He was very nice, but there was just no chemistry between us."
"It seems like there was. It seemed very chemically when I dropped you off."
"Nope. Not tonight. So are there any more?"
Kismetology Page 3