“But he doesn’t deserve to be.”
“Don’t yer go upsetting yerself about it. Now, I got yer a present.” He reached into his inner pocket and pulled out a bubble-wrapped package. I took it with thanks and he cocked his head. “Yer sure yer ok?”
“I’m fine.” Fine. Sitting down I carefully undid the string and unwrapped the parcel. Six small blue glazed tiles, each the size of my palm. I ran my hands over their surface, feeling the ridges and grooves, tracing the outlines of the shell designs.
“Thought mebbe yer could put them in yer new place? I know you like the sea. Been a while since I worked.”
“They’re lovely.” I struggled to smile, and through the poison I forced a half-grin and touched his hand. He patted mine.
“I’d best be off. Come to the town Katie, yer missed.”
Nodding absently, I continued to trace the shells as I replayed our conversation about Peter over in my mind. I thought Tom would know, that he would understand. Nothing was fine. No one listened.
That evening Nikky cooked some sort of vegetable curry. I was starving but my appetite disappeared when she started to talk about Peter.
“I think he really likes you, Kate. You’re so lucky, first Rich, now Peter.”
“I’m not interested.” I stopped eating and sipped my water. All I could taste now was a corrosive burn at the back of my throat as bile rose. “Please don’t talk about him.”
“You don’t like Peter, do you Kate?”
I looked over at my sleeping child and shook my head.
“How come?”
I had so many answers. Because of my photos, my back, my hair, my ribs, my face, my baby. He’d taken everything that made me, me. I was silent and dug my nails into my palms for a while, until I finally settled on one truth. “I don’t know who he is.”
I wanted to tell her, to pour out my entire story and my tears with it but I found myself unable. She was clearly enamoured with him, and wouldn’t believe me. I would be shunned, treated differently. He was everyone’s friend, everyone with influence in this place warmed to him in a way they never had me.
“Give him a chance, Kate. Seriously, he’s lovely.”
“No. Leave it Nikky, please. I’m not interested in getting to know Peter.”
“But why?”
“Because I’m not.” I emptied my plate in the bin and stood by the back door, staring down the path to the beach. “I don’t need him in my life. I’m thinking about seeing if Paulina wants to take care of the library for me as well. I don’t think I can manage baby and the library.”
“Is this because of him?”
“No.” Hugging myself I looked at her and smiled. “Please though, I don’t want to hear about how great he is.”
“Are you jealous?”
“What?” I almost laughed, it was so far from the truth yet strangely true.
“Everyone likes him, he’s settled straight in. He goes drinking with the Enforcers at night, he’s funny, the women like him, the kids adore him, all the newcomers know him so he’s not really had the problems you did.”
“I’m not jealous. We know nothing about him, I don’t trust him.”
“We didn’t know anything about any of the new settlers when they came, you were new too once, but look at us now! Best friends.”
Best friends. I smiled.
“Will you just try, please Kate. I work with him every day, and I really want the two of you to get along.”
“I’ll try.” I said the words to shush her.
“I knew you would.” She jumped up and hugged me. “God, you’re already thinner than me! I hate you! No I don’t, I’m only kidding – but I am envious.” She let go and helped me clear up. He wasn’t mentioned again that night and instead she helped me with a list of names for baby. Some were ridiculous and I screwed up my face as she said them, but there were two I loved and I filed them away in my mind.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“A sports day for the kids?” I glanced at Hayley as I scraped the dinner plates into the compost bin and checked on him in his basket at the doorway. He was awake, staring at me. I found myself smiling down and blowing him kisses.
“We thought it would be a great idea, seeing how well the Easter egg hunt went down with the kids.”
“We?”
“Oh, sorry, Glen, Peter, Nikky and me. We were at the Enforcers’ house the other night and chatting about the school.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. I promised Nikky that I would try, and this was the perfect opportunity. Yet every molecule of my body and my conscience was on the qui vive. My jaw throbbed and I clasped the side of my mouth.
“Are you all right?” Hayley stopped knitting and started to get up. I raised my other hand and she stopped.
“Fine, just a bit of a toothache, it’ll go in a bit.” Running my tongue across the surface of the tooth I forced a smile, and she sat back down, seemingly mollified. “When are you thinking of holding the sports day?”
“Kate, you do make me laugh. It’s not you, but us! We were thinking of having a meeting this evening and holding it soon before the holidays and before the weather turns. I’m sorry for not mentioning it sooner, it slipped my mind, but you are very much part of this. In fact, Peter was keen for you to be involved in all the preparations.”
The pain in my mouth spread, and the muscles in my legs and neck tensed. Easing myself down into a chair, I forced that smile again. I must have appeared demented, or like some sort of animal.
“Slipped your mind? Or you realised I’d say no so you thought to spring it on me last minute?” Reaching over to my baby I traced his cheek with my finger. There was a silence. “Don’t worry. I’ll come to the meeting. I don’t want to leave him though and it’s too steep to walk comfortably. Do you think Deven would mind picking us up in the car?”
“No, no, not at all.” She was gushing now and beaming. Always smiling, always so positive. “I’ll just radio him now. The meeting is in an hour.”
I raised an eyebrow and she had the decency to blush as she left the room. Sipping at my water slowly I pictured his face and that dark smile. No, not the smile, but those dark eyes. Was it a dark smile or did I just see it that way? Perhaps he had changed.
I tried not to think then and instead just stared at the moses basket by my side and focused on the white lace trim. I could hear Hayley getting washed and changed, but I didn’t move. Instead I licked my lips and rolled the glass of water on the table creating damp rings.
“Kate, you not getting changed?” She entered with a waft of perfume. “I can watch the baby.”
“No, it’s okay.” I stood and ran my fingers through my hair. “It’s only a meeting. I’ll be back in a sec though.”
Grabbing the car seat from the back bedroom I glanced in the mirror and Kate stared back. She didn’t smile.
“Lovely to see you all here, I know this was last minute, so apologies if it inconvenienced anyone,” Peter looked around the table, smiling broadly, his skin stretching. “A couple of nights ago we thought it would be a great idea if we had a sports day. Lots of activities. Sack race, egg and spoon race, something for the kids and the adults. I’ve got the bean bag race in the… bag. ” There was a smattering of laughter and he grinned even wider than I thought possible. “Kate, do you have any ideas?”
Addressing me pulled my gaze to his and his smile changed. The muscles moved in his face and I watched his lips. He saw that and his eyes widened. His smile became something for just us. Even at the other end of the table I could see the change in his expression. Deven watched us both, quiet and unassuming as he made notes.
“Not really. Just that there’s enough planned to keep all the kids entertained.”
“What about a three-legged race?” Nikky piped up. “They’re always good fun. They’ll have to work together to move forward.” Work together to move forward, echoed in my head. But it was the voice of the war propaganda machine I heard, not Nikky
’s. Working as one to solve the problems caused by just a few. Might is right. For home, hearth and happiness.
“Great idea,” Peter nodded and made a note on his pad. “We can have a host of team building exercises for the older kids. Problem solving and so on, what do you think?”
He was talking to me again and the eyes of those present were on me. “Great idea.” I finally echoed, and from across the table Nikky relaxed; she mouthed ‘thank you’ and I found myself smiling at her.
The ideas continued to flow, and I joined in the conversation. I could do this; I was proving that I could. Conversation flowed and with people around there was a confidence in me I relished. Even when I was discussing a maths based race with Peter, Deven, and Nikky I ignored the unease building with every second I spent near him. My fear was rooted. It didn’t grow, didn’t encompass me. It was just… there. As Nikky laughed at another of his self-deprecating jokes and Deven wandered off I breathed deeply; there were people around, people who loved me. He wouldn’t try anything here. I was safe. Safe. I studied him again. He was trying so hard to be a warm and kind person, open and welcoming. I too could pretend to be someone I wasn’t, but I’d be someone with a fearless confidence. I could do this.
“Where were you before Blackwood, Peter?”
They both looked up and he cleared his throat. Hayley and Glen laughed with the Henleys behind me, but I resisted the urge to turn around and instead I shifted the baby sling and stared pointedly at him.
“I mostly enforced, ran errands on the network and delivered messages, that sort of thing.”
“What made you come down here?”
“I wanted a fresh start and decided it was time to settle down.” He smiled at Nikky, who blushed a deep crimson.
“And there was nowhere else?” The disbelief was thick in my tone, though my face still smiled.
“Nowhere like this.”
“Do you have a family?”
“No.” He glanced down at my baby’s soft, dark head and smiled, his gaze moving back to mine. His pupils widened.
“Did you have a family?”
“No.”
I paused for a moment, unnerved by Nikky who now stared at me intently. Her face unreadable. He then said,
“What about you, Kate?
I shifted again. My top clung to my skin and the cloying smell of baby vomit engulfed me but the heat of him, snuggled close, warmed me. “I was a mature student. I studied humanities.”
“Interesting. Whereabouts?”
“Abroad.”
“Were you married?”
“Yes.”
“What made you come here?”
“Like you I wanted a new start. Somewhere I could forget the horrors of the past.” I emphasised horrors, which elicited a slither of disapproval from him. It oozed into a thin line across his mouth but as soon as it appeared, he grinned, pushing it back deep inside.
“Kate’s a pretty name.”
It wasn’t a question, yet I needed to answer. “It was my mother’s name.”
“What was your husband called?” He didn’t bother to hide behind generic bland questions now.
“Michael.” I smiled then, unabated.
He looked up from his pad then and his eyes locked with mine, eyes dark and thoughtful. I didn’t break contact, not even when Nikky scraped back her chair on the floor and joined in a conversation with the Stentons.
“Anyone else in your life?”
“No one I’ve loved.” The danger of this game pumped in my blood, I was heady with adrenaline.
“Where’s the father of your baby?” He leaned forward, inches from me now. His voice was lower now and emotionless.
“Dead.” I leaned back.
“Is that so.” He too leaned back.
“Have you finished?” My words were clipped and my face flushed. It was anger.
“Come on now, don’t be… waspish, no need to be angry.” His tone was loud and cheerful again and I looked up as Nikky approached with three glasses of iced water. Ice. Such decadence.
“Thank you, Nikky.” He took the glass, his fingers brushing hers lightly. She blushed again and shot him a lopsided grin.
“My pleasure. You okay, Kate?”
“I’m fine, feeling a little tired. I should be getting back; I need to put baby down for the night.”
“I can drive you back if you want?” Peter sipped the water and then crunched on the ice. My tooth throbbed again. No fucking chance.
“No.” I was aware that I snapped. “I can drive myself.”
Peter’s face twitched and his eyes widened.
“I didn’t know you could drive, Kate,” Nikky exclaimed. She was sitting close to Peter, and his arm was draped casually over the back of her chair.
“My husband taught me.”
“You must have been rich! My parents couldn’t afford the cost of fuel, and when the wars started we sold our fuel rations so I could go to university. I wish I had learnt though.”
“I can teach you.” Peter nudged her and she clapped in excitement.
“Wow. Really?”
And so they started to discuss driving plans. Every now and then they’d stop and try to coax me in to conversation, but I didn’t want to play any more and excused myself. Deven handed over the keys, asking if I was all right and raising an eyebrow at Peter as he rubbed baby’s cheek. I shrugged a little and he promised to speak to me tomorrow about it.
My baby stirred a little as I lifted him out of the sling and into the car seat. His head sagged forward a little and so gently I lifted him back, wiggling him into the seat and resisting the urge to eat his chubby little thighs.
I manoeuvred the car down the track, flicking the radio on. It was more habit than anything and when the static and crackle filled the car I wasn’t surprised. Hitting the button on the steering wheel I switched to the internal memory and smiled at a playlist of songs still stored there. I skipped through until I found one I knew and tapped my fingers along with the beat as I drove.
The following morning I was up, dressed and washed before either Hayley or Glen had woken. Opening the pantry I murmured in surprise. It was full. Pulling out the eggs I rifled through the boxes: pasta, bolognese sauce, tinned vegetables and soups, spices, stock sauces, gravy granules and dry pet food – luxuries I hadn’t seen since I had hurriedly packed my rucksack while the shots and bombs fell around my home.
That was the day I first witnessed the cruelty of death. As I tried to catch Oscar in the midst of the chaos, three gunshots in quick succession rang out over and above the cries and screams from my neighbours. I watched Oscar dart and run through the remains of a block of garages – away from the noise – and I tried to chase him, I fell and cut both palms on chunks of metal debris. Sitting in the middle of the destruction a soft undercurrent of sobs caught my attention. The blood pooled and rolled from my upturned hands, and though I wanted to cry, the sorrow in the distance prevented me. I couldn’t force my tears to flow.
I stood up and followed the cries, and wished I hadn’t. In a tree lined alleyway a man sat with his back against the brick wall stroking the head of a woman who lay face down on the path. Next to the woman lay a young boy and a dog. The man looked up, the red and brown on his face streaked with tears. I held up my bloody hands and stepped forward, but before I could speak he raised his gun to his temple and fired.
Later I emptied a bottle of antiseptic on my hands, feeling nothing, and strapped my backpack on. Quickly emptying Oscar’s cat food into bowls, I left.
Blinking I now stared at the rows of food and rubbed my palms against my jeans. Looking closely I traced the small white scars with my fingers before picking out the eggs and a packet of pancake mix. I could make them from scratch, but today I wanted ease, luxury and laziness, and besides, the packet wouldn’t last forever.
It was still dark outside, and I turned the kitchen light off and watched the grey and midnight blue shadows ripple across the water. Perhaps it was more of
a steel blue, or a Prussian blue, I wasn’t sure. Opening the back door, I shivered and tucked the blanket in around him as he slept in his basket. It was just gone five a.m. Stepping out on to the doorstep, I glanced around and then went and sat on the sand. The smell of salt, wet wood and earth was strong and I closed my eyes and inhaled. The taste slid down my throat: metallic and bitter. As the fishing boats left the harbour, the shadow of someone I thought was Tom made his way across to the rock pools. I started to raise my hand to wave, but something stopped me and instead I watched the horizon alone. Eventually the warmth of the sun on my back and the colours of dawn seeping across the water stimulated me to walk back inside and cook.
Glen stood over the basket and instinctively I tensed before relaxing and reminding myself that it was Glen. He looked at me and the corners of his mouth tilted upwards. It wasn’t quite a smile but it was more sincere than the broad grins I had grown accustomed to here.
“He looks like you.”
No he doesn’t. I nodded and washed my hands before starting to beat the pancake mix.
“You saw all the new supplies then? We found a supermarket about thirty miles from here on an industrial estate, practically untouched. Place stank, but there’s so much food that we’re going back later with the rest of the convoy and some of the Blackwood team. Clear it out and split what’s left. There’s a few houses nearby we’re going to check out. See if there’s anything we can use.”
Like vultures stripping a carcass. I made a non-committal noise and nodded. This was perhaps the most he had spoken to me in a while, perhaps ever.
“Oh, before I forget, Deven is going to pop by and collect the car later. We’ll probably need it for the trip.”
“Ok.”
“I didn’t know you could drive.”
“I learnt a long while ago.”
“I learnt as a teenager when it was cheap, before your time and all the fighting.”
“I don’t know much about the history of how it started.” I mumbled, blushing.
“How old were you when the Asia-Pacific wars started then?”
Anna Page 23