by Terra Little
“No, it wouldn’t,” Chad snapped, irritated. “There is no way I’ll ever completely accept that I was meant to marry a woman I wasn’t in love with just so I could have access to my child. I did it and I do accept that, but that’s where I draw the line.”
“God moves in mysterious ways.”
Chad took his eyes from the road long enough to give Nate a hair-curling look. “What, did you join a religious cult while you were in Iraq?”
“I’m just saying . . .”
“And I’m just saying, if this is some bullshit God thought up, he certainly has a fucked-up sense of humor, don’t you think? Shut up and ride, Nate.”
Instead of shutting up, Nate chuckled and tapped Chad on the arm. “You remember how Paris was always the one running behind us preaching about the consequences of doing whatever it was we were doing at the time? Sounding like a little old lady?”
Chad had to laugh too. “Yeah, I remember that. Funny how she didn’t do that when it might’ve made the most difference, huh?”
Nate had no response, and a little while later, Chad pulled to a stop in his driveway and shut the car off. Pam’s car was nowhere in sight, which meant that she and Nikki were still missing in action. He hauled Nate’s bag from the trunk and opened the passenger door to poke at Nate’s still form until he woke up. Nate followed Chad inside the house, mumbling under his breath about his internal clock being way off.
“You got my setup ready?” he asked Chad as he trudged down the hallway toward the alcove just off the kitchen. It took him to the lower level, where he usually stayed when he was in town. Situated like a small efficiency apartment, there was a combination sitting area and bedroom down there and a full bathroom, which he planned to make use of immediately.
Chad grunted out an affirmative response while carefully bringing the bag down the steps behind Nate. He set it next to a sectional sofa and propped his hands on his hips to catch his breath. Across the room, Nate turned on a table lamp and looked around with satisfaction. “Perfect,” he declared, eyeing the neatly made bed longingly. “You know how long it’s been since I slept in a real bed? I’m about to ejaculate just looking at it.”
“Were things that bad over there?”
“Badder than bad, but don’t get me started. Let’s just say the first thing I did after the plane landed was kiss the fucking ground. I got some priceless footage and interviews, though.”
“You should’ve gone home first and gotten some rest.” Chad could see the weariness in Nate’s shoulders and knew he was exhausted.
“I did go home first. Long enough to dump out my dirty clothes and pack clean ones, call my mama and then my publicist, and then you. And then I hopped on a plane coming here. A couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep and I’ll be ready to roll, I promise you.”
“You got a good excuse for why you’re staying here ready for Miss Merlene?”
Nate threw Chad a charming smile as he laid his bag on the couch and unzipped it. He pulled out his camera equipment and set it on the coffee table gently, then dug around for clean underwear, jeans and a T-shirt. “Just the same ones I had the last time and the time before that and the time before that. The gospel music is too loud, I’m too old to have a curfew and she doesn’t have the porn channel. Need I say more?”
Nate spent a long time in the shower, scrubbing his skin with good smelling soap instead of the utility soap he’d been forced to use over the last several months. He shampooed his hair and beard, then punished his mouth with Colgate until every crevice tingled. His hair was long past the point where a simple trim was needed, and he gathered it in a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck, thinking he’d sweet-talk Pam into trimming it for him later.
He laid his shaving kit open on the vanity and went to work removing the fur from his face. In Iraq, the facial hair had helped him blend in with the other men and maintain a low profile, but here in the States it only aggravated the hell out of him. He bid it a fond farewell.
He’d been gone seven months, and too many things to count had occurred in his absence. One of his oldest and dearest friends was dead and he hadn’t even had the opportunity to say goodbye to her. The last time he’d seen Paris was the last time he’d been in Mercy, the year before for the Christmas holiday. He’d sat at her table, eaten the delicious dinner she had prepared, and teased her nonstop until she was laughing so hard tears were running down her cheeks. The night before he left they had taken a long walk around Mercy and then sat in his mother’s living room like they’d done so many times as kids. On the way back to her house, as they were crossing Truman Field, he’d pulled out a joint and lit it, held it out to her like he really expected her to take it from him and slip it between her lips. She had slapped at his hand and fanned away the smoke he blew in her direction comically, the same way she’d always done when they were kids. He’d had no idea then that, as he pecked her lips and hugged her tight at the airport, it would be the last time he’d get to do so in this lifetime.
Thinking about it now brought stinging tears to his eyes and he held his straight razor still until he could see clearly again. He took a deep breath and started in on the left side of his face carefully. He was in the second grade when he met Pam and then Paris. They were in kindergarten and Pam was removed from her class because she’d said something mean to another kid, something about the other kid’s mother, he thought. Her teacher had washed her little razor sharp mouth out with soap and then brought her to Nate’s class, where she was to sit in the corner for the rest of the day as punishment.
At some point, his teacher had felt sorry for Pam and let her out of the corner while his class was having art time. Finger paint, he remembered and shook his head sadly. She was seated next to him and given a sheet of construction paper to paint on. She made different colored handprints all over the paper, while he spent most of his time poking her in her side with his elbow. He was trying to make her mad, and the more she ignored him, the harder he poked her. Finally, she’d turned to him, smiled sweetly, and then dumped a whole bottle of red paint right in his lap, all over his brand new Levi’s. She went back to the corner happily and he fell in love.
Discovering that there were two of them was an added benefit to Nate. It meant that he had two girls he could pick on and two sets of long silky ponytails to yank on when he didn’t get the responses he thought he should. Two sets of cat-shaped green eyes to challenge him into taking silly dares. Paris was always the quiet, passive one. The one who would put up with his shit and then cry when she was tired of it. Pam was the one who damn near whipped his ass when he gave Paris shit and made her cry. They were like alter egos, one shy and prissy, and the other bold and unpredictable. He had wriggled his way into their world, gotten comfortable and never considered leaving it.
Somewhere along the way Nate had developed an adolescent crush on both Pam and Paris, because they looked just alike and because they were so different. It was like having two girlfriends, but still having only one, if that made any sense. Then, as they’d grown older, the dynamics had shifted and they’d settled into the roles they occupied up until this very day. Pam and Paris were the sisters Nate had never had, and he was the big brother they hadn’t asked for, but had welcomed, because they hadn’t really had a choice in the matter. Despite the relationships he’d had with other women over the years, no one had ever come close to touching the part of his heart that was reserved for his sisters.
Once when he was drunk, Nate had grabbed Pam and kissed her senseless. By then Chad was the fourth person in their little group. The four of them were in the woods out past Mercy town limits, drinking and smoking weed one Sunday afternoon and Pam was high. She was giggling like crazy, making fun of the girl he was dating at the time and saying that she was cross-eyed and pigeon-toed. The girl was neither of those things, but Pam wasn’t willing to be dissuaded from her opinion and Nate had accused her of being jealous.
“Jealous of what?” Pam chirped, flopping her hands on her
hips and leaning her weight to one side.
He decided to show her rather than try to explain it to her. He grabbed her face and mashed her lips against his. She didn’t protest and he took it a step further, pushing his tongue between her lips and coaxing hers out to play. She kissed him back, there was no question about that, and several seconds of humming silence passed before she pushed against his chest and swiped his spit from under her bottom lip with a shaky finger.
“Damn, Nate,” she drawled sarcastically. They stared at each other and then she said, “I didn’t know you had it going on like that. Shit, no wonder Janetta’s always mooning over you.”
“And don’t you forget it,” he shot back. A lazy grin took over his face and they’d all burst out laughing. But, he hadn’t laughed so hard that he missed the fire in Chad’s eyes. Pam had sensed it too, and Nate thought he’d detected a slight shift in her demeanor throughout the rest of the afternoon. He’d silently wondered about it, but back then, he hadn’t known that she and Chad were lovers.
The day he and Paris had sneaked into Chad’s house and seen Chad and Pam rolling around on the bed together was an eye-opener for Nate. Suddenly his and Paris’s suspicions were confirmed and he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about it. Chad was his best friend, but Pam was like his little sister and he felt protective of her. A little jealous, too.
He felt it his duty to find out where Chad’s head was and then to bash it in, if he decided that was called for. Pam’s reputation around Mercy was bad enough without Chad potentially doing more damage. The rumors were all lies, but Nate knew that if something got around about Pam and Chad, there would be nothing but truth to it, coming straight from Chad’s lips.
He and Chad were walking home from school after basketball practice one afternoon when he finally broached the subject. A group of girls had come running up to them as they crossed the parking lot and, player that he was, he’d spent several minutes enjoying the attention while Chad stood off to the side, politely deflecting it. Hadn’t taken Nate long to realize that Chad was always deflecting female attention and he thought he finally knew why.
“What’s up with you and Pam?” Nate asked as soon as they were alone again.
Chad’s step faltered slightly, so that you had to be watching closely to notice it and Nate noticed. “You trying to ask me something?”
“I’m trying to find out if you’re just trying to get some ass or if you really like her?”
When Chad might’ve mentioned that he’d lost count of the number of times he had gotten some ass from Pam, his lips remained closed. They were almost to his house when he spoke again. “I’m not just trying to get some ass,” he said.
“So you really like her?”
“I love her.” He skipped up the steps to his front porch. “See you later.”
Hearing the L word had thrown Nate for a loop. He never told Paris what he’d learned, but he did pay closer attention when the four of them were together. The looks that passed between Chad and Pam took on new meaning, as did the touches that passed between them. Their unexplained absences were no longer unexplained, and he wondered just how far they’d gone together.
Nate didn’t think he would ever forget the fateful night he slept over Chad’s house and finally learned the truth. He remembered it as the night he’d smoked so much weed and drank so much cheap wine that he knew better than to go stumbling into his mother’s house. Chad’s house was closer and his parents wouldn’t be standing guard the way he knew Merlene would be, so he’d crept into Chad’s room, called his mother, and then fallen into a deep sleep across the foot of the bed.
It was also the night he witnessed his two best friends making love and knew that they were in love. He’d rolled over in the middle of the night and decided to tiptoe down to the kitchen, looking for a snack to settle his upset stomach. He wolfed down three bananas and gulped down two handfuls of chocolate chip cookies, standing barefoot in the dark kitchen, and then he heard them.
They were on the sun porch at the side of the house in the dark, going at it and completely oblivious to Nate’s presence. He debated throwing the lights on and demanding to know what they were thinking. It could’ve just as easily been one or both of Chad’s parents who’d walked in on them, and Nate couldn’t believe they hadn’t chosen a better place to make out. Surely they were smarter than that.
Apparently not, he thought as he stood in the shadows and watched them. They were in the far corner naked on the floor. Chad’s mouth was open and greedily roaming over Pam’s neck and shoulders, as if he was starving, and Pam’s legs were wrapped around Chad’s waist. They thought they were being quiet, but Nate could hear the hoarse moans rising in Chad’s throat just before he caught them and swallowed them back down. Chad turned his head, tongued the skin along her arm, went back to her neck and shoulders and then stretched her mouth wide for his tongue. Nate could hear Chad whimpering, sucking in air through nostrils that were pressed against Pam’s cheek as he rolled his hips rhythmically. His fingers stretched wide and tense on her thighs and gripped tightly as he stroked Pam steadily and carried her through her orgasm. Her nails dug into the skin across Chad’s shoulders and he threw his head back to release a defiant gasp toward the ceiling. Then he lifted her thigh, draped it over his arm and rolled them sideways, cupping her ass like it belonged solely to him. The force of his strokes had Pam burying her face in his neck and holding on tight. A few seconds later, Chad snatched himself from inside her and drew her breast deep in his mouth as he suffered through a noisy orgasm of his own.
They were kissing wildly, loudly, when Nate withdrew and crept back up the stairs to Chad’s room. He fell across the foot of the bed and worked to get his own breathing under control. Watching them had aroused him to the point that he was fully erect and straining toward release himself. An hour later, Chad had slipped into the room, curled up at the head of the bed and immediately drifted into a peaceful sleep. Nate had stared at his back for a long time, wanting to wake him up and question him nonstop. They’d both just turned seventeen and he was dying to know where Chad had learned to make love so expertly. Not that he was a lightweight, Nate thought. Both Janetta and Desiree could attest to that. But, still.
Nate blinked and focused on his image in the mirror over the vanity. That was another memory he’d never shared with Paris because he had somehow known that what he’d seen was more than what it appeared to be. It was more than sex, and it was either Chad’s or Pam’s to share. Neither of them ever had, so he’d kept his mouth shut.
He wished Paris were here now so he could talk with her, make her laugh, and hear her voice. Between the four of them, they had collected enough memories to carry them into old age, reminiscing and reliving them, but she would never have that luxury. It was just the three of them now. He was saddened when he had finally accepted that Pam wasn’t coming back to Mercy and he’d have to settle for never roaming the streets with her here again. But the sadness he felt just then, as he accepted that Paris was never coming back to Mercy and he’d never roam the streets with her again anywhere, was staggering.
Nate stepped into clean jeans and pulled a T-shirt over his head. Then he lay across the end of the bed and fell into much-needed sleep. When he woke up he had places to go and people to see, starting with his mama and ending with Miles Dixon.
SIXTEEN
Dear Diary,
I don’t know why I didn’t tell Chad when I had the chance, before everything got so mixed up and out of control. I could look at him and see that he was hurting. He pretended to be okay with what happened and he never talked about it, but I’ve known him long enough to know when something is bothering him. He would’ve gone to her and maybe they would’ve been able to get past Pam’s issues. Before Pam left they were in love. She didn’t have to tell me that because I saw the light in her eyes and the ring on her finger. Knowing all that, I should’ve told him what I knew and helped them to heal.
But I didn’t.
; I’m not a bad person. I know that too. Can I help it if I was tired of everything always being about Pam? She’s my sister and I love her with everything that I am, but she was always in the spotlight, while I stood on the sidelines and let life happen to me. Even today she goes after what she wants and I just take what I can get. I was never jealous of her (I wasn’t!) and many times I feared for her safety because she never seemed to look before she leaped, but I did always wonder what she had that I didn’t that made her so spirited and tough. I wished I could stand toe-to-toe with someone and scream into their face, even as they screamed into mine, and then throw my head back and howl with laughter in the next breath. I wished I had the guts to fall in love with someone and then do whatever love told me to do, without regret.
She had that with Chad, that no-holds-barred love. They were just kids, but it didn’t matter to them. They were making love and carrying on long before what happened, happened and it became obvious that’s what they’d been doing. She always did think she was grown and the thing with Chad was no different. She put herself in it all the way—soul, mind, and body.
Chad was always so intense, so strong-willed and possessive of her, in that quietly reserved way he has. His face was never expressionless when he looked at her. Even on the day we met him he was intent on Pam, focused on her in a way that he was never focused on me. We look just alike, I remember thinking then, so why doesn’t he look at me the way he looks at Pam?