by Dee Palmer
“How about I do this, and if you feel like joining in…” He grabs my hips and rolls me back and forth, along his cock, slow, steady, and wonderfully deep, touching parts of me that instantly spark to life with insatiable interest. He’s going to kill me with pleasure. I throw my head back, and every muscle in my body instantly clamps down, constricts, and I come like a fucking freight train. Joel’s hips piston into me chasing his own release, and I scream when he comes, catching up with me as I peak and slide into oblivion.
I don’t remember getting dry or getting into bed, but I do remember falling into a blissful sleep cocooned in the arms of a man who told me he loved me. I’d wanted to hear those words so bad I don’t know what scares me more, that I believe him or that I love him too.
“Shit!” My eyes snap wide as I focus on the long list of missed calls and unread messages on my phone.
“What’s wrong?” Joel rolls his warm naked body so his chest is pressed against the bottom of my back, his head resting on his hand. I’m sitting bolt upright and frantically pressing speed dial.
“I have fifteen missed calls from Shannon.”
“Shannon?” He asks with a sleepy yawn. I shake my head, unable to explain as the call is picked up on the first ring.
“Hi, Shannon, what’s wrong, is Ruby okay?”
“Regan, thank god. No, no, she isn’t. I couldn’t wake her up this morning. We’re in an ambulance and on our way to Mercy. It’s the closest. Regan, she’s so pale, please hurry.”
“She’s breathing though, right? What’s her BP? Has she got any rashes…fuck, I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone before Shannon can answer. It doesn’t matter what she says, it won’t change a damn thing, and all I need to do is to get to Ruby.
“Joel.” Why can’t I move? His name falls lifelessly from my lips as my body decides now is a good time to shut down.
“I’ll drive. Get dressed.” He lifts himself from the bed. In my periphery, I can see him get dressed with lightning speed, gathering my clothes at the same time and placing them beside me.
“Ruby,” I mouth, still unable to make the slightest movement. My legs are weighted like lead to the bed, my feet fixed and rooted to the fluffy rug on the floor. It’s an effort to even suck in a breath.
“I know, Regan. You need to get dressed, now!” His voice is calm, assertive, and in control, all the things I’m not. I can’t even stand up. “Regan!” He calls out when I crumple from the bed, sliding to the floor in a broken heap. I hate my body for letting me down like this. I break, and floods of tears explode from my eyes as the very worst of every possible scenario bombards me. Joel is instantly on his knees, holding me up by my shoulders. “Regan, stop. You need to get up. We have to go to the hospital and get to Ruby.” He enunciates each word softly, with just the right amount of severity. “She needs you, and I can’t get you dressed when you’re catatonic. It’s just going to slow me down.” He smiles lightly, his attempt at humour falls into the void of numbness enveloping me. He barks my name, and I jolt. “Regan, can you hear me? Ruby needs you.” I nod, the urgency and truth in his words piercing through my nightmare.
“Yes, yes.” I allow him to lift me to my feet, his hold the only thing keeping me upright as, disorientated and dazed, I dress myself.
“Here, let me help.” Joel grabs the sleeve of my hoodie as it evades my arm for the umpteenth time. The tears haven’t stopped and neither has my mind, from racing to the darkest recesses of Ruby’s illness and most recent blood tests. “Hey, stop going there, Regan. We don’t know anything, okay?” He holds my soaked cheeks in his warm, strong hands. His eyes search mine, and his expression and tone seem so desperate, I find myself smiling at the possible light his words are offering.
It’s a fake smile, we both know it’s all fake.
“Good girl.” He grabs my bag and keys, hands me my coat, and opens my front door. His heavy arm rests on my shoulder, protectively manoeuvring me out of my apartment.
“Wait! Pierre!” I cry out, duck away from his hold, and rush back into Ruby’s bedroom. I return with her precious bedtime bear, holding it up for Joel as way of explanation. The lanky blue and white stripped cuddly toy is, at best, an artistic impression of a cartoon cat with its ridiculously long limbs, flat face, and odd vacant expression, but it’s Ruby’s favourite. “Pierre,”
“Obviously,” His soft understanding smile is more than I can bear, and when he pulls me into his hold at the first breaking judder from my body, I cling to him.
I don’t know how to do this.
He doesn’t say a word and squeezes me tighter than he’s ever held me, and then pulls away. “Ready?”
I’ll never be ready for this.
“Yes.”
Joel makes light work of the highway, but as we near the city outskirts, the roads start to get more congested, and every mile seems like a journey to the centre of the Earth for the time it’s taking. I know it’s not even busy, not for Chicago, not really, but I wouldn’t want to take my blood pressure at the rate my heart is jack hammering in my chest. I can feel every nerve ending pulled as tight as a high wire and ready to snap. Joel has been silent, or maybe he’s talked the whole way. I have no idea. All that consumes my mind is getting to Ruby.
“I can’t believe you drive this piece of shit. I’m buying you a new car tomorrow. This thing is a death trap.” I flash a tight grimace that was supposed to be a grateful smile.
“Thank you for driving. I don’t think I could keep my leg from shaking enough to even press the gas,” I confess, then clarify, “And you’re not buying me a car.”
“We’ll see.”
His arrogance ignites a spark of irritation I didn’t realise I had space in my head for.
“If this is your way of distracting me, it’s actually working.”
“Good,” He swings my car into the emergency entrance of Mercy Hospital.
“You can’t park here, Joel.”
“Why?”
“It will get towed. It’s a no parking zone.” I wave my finger at the very visible numerous warning signs. He doesn’t even cast a glance in the direction I am pointing.
“Isn’t it more important we get to Ruby as quickly as possible without having to fight for a parking space?” he explains with utter seriousness. If it wasn’t for the tell-tale glint in his eye, I would’ve have been suckered by his sincerity.
“Yes, but… Oh, nice try!” I clip.
“Trust me, getting this heap of junk towed would be a blessing; scrapped would be better, though,” he mutters, and at any other time, I might indulge his interference, if only for the sport, but not today. Today I have no more nerves for him to toy with. “Park it over there. You are not meddling in my life, Joel. Thank you for the lift, but this is my life, and other than a hot fuck, we are nothing, understand?”
“I understand you’re upset, so for now, I’ll stow my twitchy palm, but make no mistake, Regan, you’re wrong.” He clamps his jaw shut, and the muscle dances like it is electrified by pure rage in the tissue. I don’t have time for any of this. The car hasn’t stopped, and I open the door and leap from my seat. I hold the door from slamming shut with the forward momentum. I jog alongside for a few steps to make sure Joel can hear me through the small gap.
“Fine, I’m wrong. How about I tell you I love you, that should do the trick.” I let the door fall shut and turn, running flat out toward the emergency room, and I don’t look back.
“Regan!”
I may have been harsh, but I am more than upset, and none of that matters. Joel is not my problem.
“Hello, hello, you have my daughter, Ruby Isabell Jones. I have to see her.” I skid to a stop at the main reception, cursing myself for not calling Shannon back. She would at least know where Ruby is in this maze of different departments and warren of corridors and cubicles. I can’t assume they would take her directly to Dr Chan’s department just because she’s a patient there. I can’t assume anything.
The receptionis
t replies in a firm, friendly manner that falls on deaf ears. “That won’t be possible. If you will take a seat, I’ll page the doctor to come and talk to you.”
“No! I have to see her. I’m her mother. I’m a nurse; she needs me!”
“I’m sorry, Ms Jones. The doctors will be with you as soon as they can.” She tilts her head, and I want to slap the sympathy from her face. My fingers constrict tighter on the cool melamine countertop, and I drop my head with the weight of despair. She’s just doing her job.
“No, please…oh, god.” My breath shakes the words from my mouth. I’ve never been so scared, so helpless.
“I’m Dr Prescott; I was paged for Ruby Jones. Where is she being treated?” Joel holds his identification up to the receptionist only to snap it away from her face before she can focus. His confident tone makes my spine straighten, and I don’t dare look up at him. He shouldn’t be here like this, and he definitely shouldn’t be doing what he’s about to do. I discreetly cross my fingers on the counter that it works.
“Peds ICU, Dr Prescott.” The receptionist’s response is automatic, and she points in the direction he needs to head and even presses the button to unlock the doors before she visibly checks herself, her brow furrowed with concern. She tries to rectify her mistake. Thankfully, it’s way too late. Joel grabs my hand and is already slamming through the security doors. “I’m sorry I didn’t quite see your ID badge, you can’t go through there! Dr Prescott, Ms Jones!”
His determined stride is still too slow, and I pull my hand from his and race to the end of the corridor. The alarm echoes off the sterile walls, and the heavy footsteps of the security guards thunder behind me.
“Stop!” The voices boom as my hand slips on the heavy door, a sickly nervous sweat coating my skin. The door doesn’t move, and I’m an idiot to think it would just because I need it to. This isn’t a movie, and security is rightly tight. The lock holds and before I can howl my despair, I look over to Joel, who is now swiping the same ID badge through the security key pay. He holds up his hand as the security guards skid to a halt.
“It’s OK, she’s with me. I’m Dr Prescott.” Joel hands his ID over.
“You work here, Dr Prescott?” The security guard takes the ID, and I lean over to look for myself. It doesn’t have the same logo I have on mine.
“It’s a secondment, and yes, I do.”
“Possibly tell the receptionist that next time.” The guard hands back the ID and straightens his jacket that is bunched around his waist from the dash down the corridor.
“Will do.” Joel gives a two-finger salute and pushes the door to the ICU wide. I step through and under my breath mutter.
“I thought you were bluffing.”
“I was. I only teach here. I had no idea the ID would work on the wards.”
“I’m glad it did.” Stepping into the ICU, I feel relief wash over me, even if it’s momentary and the respite from gutting, churning fear is brief. I welcome the calm.
“Dr Chan?” The nursing pod is surrounded by individual rooms containing life-saving machines and busy professionals. I only see one, and she’s standing beside my baby. I rush over and wedge myself as close to Ruby as I can get. Dr Chan tries to ease me back but my vice like grip on the railing keeps me tethered.
“Regan, she’s sleeping.” Dr Chan’s voice is softly pleading. She could use a foghorn, but I’m not budging. “Please, Regan, you need to let us do our job.” I ignore the inference.
“Sleeping or unconscious?” I fight the emotions that are brimming over this dam of unbearable fear and try to do both my jobs: mother and nurse.
“Unconscious.”
“Has she woken at all?”
“No, I’m sorry.” Dr Chan rests her hand on mine, and soft comfort flows over me. She’s been Ruby’s physician for over two years, and I can hear in her voice this isn’t a doctor-to-family platitude for her. I swallow down the enormous lump that is threatening to choke the life out of me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“We’re still doing tests, Regan.”
“Bullshit!”
“Reggie,” Joel appears at my back, and when I turn in his arms and look into his eyes, I’m not sure I can stop this fall.
“But it’s Ruby, Joel. She’s all I have; she’s my baby.” My sobs break from me and are muffled by the folds in Joel’s shirt as he pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around my shaking body.
I can’t do this.
“I know.” His lips press the words to the top of my head, and only when I’ve stopped shaking does he release me.
“Dr Chan, may I take a look?” It’s a rhetorical question since he has already logged on to the terminal and is accessing the information on the screen.
“We’re running more tests.” Dr Chan insists. The hesitation in her voice creates a fresh wave of terror.
“Are you expecting a different outcome?” Joel asks.
“No.”
“What? What is it? Is it leukaemia?” I rush and tug Joel away enough to read the screen. My eyes are glazed with tears, and I can’t focus on the tiny words or squiggly lines, all I see is her name, Ruby.
“No.” Dr Chan’s emphatic reply is like a solar burst of hope in my heart.
“Oh, thank god! “ I let out a happy heavy breath and beam the widest smile at Dr Chan and Joel. “That’s good news, right? Right? Joel?” I stutter as I feel the icy chill of their flat expressions pull me back under. Their words just float alongside me, swirling and dragging me further into an abyss of pure agony I never knew existed.
“Ruby has aplastic anaemia, Reggie.”
“It’s very serious, Regan. She’s going to need a bone marrow transplant.”
“Reggie….Reggie,” Joel’s worried eyes implore some response but I have nothing.
“Here, drink this.” Shannon hands me a small plastic cup with water, and my stomach rolls with bile and fear.
“I can’t. I keep throwing up.”
“All the more reason to drink. You’re dehydrated.” She forces the cup into my hand and assists its journey to my mouth. I reluctantly take a sip, which seems to please her, and a smile lights her friendly face, although her eyes look too troubled, just like mine.
“Thank you for staying, Shannon.”
“I’m so sorry, Regan. I should’ve—” She sucks back the emotion cracking her normally unshakeable demeanour, and I interrupt.
“Whatever you’re going to say, you couldn’t have done anything. You did everything I would’ve done, and Ruby would still be in the same place. So please don’t think you could’ve done anything to change this outcome.”
“I hear what you’re saying, and I’m going to ask you just one thing. Do you hear what you are saying? It’s not your fault.” With this, she takes my shaky hands in hers and tries to reach me with the return of her matter of fact world comfort that I have come to depend on, on more than one occasion. Harper may be my best friend, but friends with kids understand.
“I can’t be a donor, Shannon. I’m her best chance at surviving this and because of my own anaemia, I can’t save her.” I can’t contain the devastation, it bursts from me in a gut-wrenching cry that tears me in two.
“Oh, Regan, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that.” She drops my hands and surrounds me with a full and much-needed hug. Pulling me into her slight frame, she rocks me until my not so silent tears ebb enough that I can draw an almost steady breath.
“It’s a very strict list. It has to be to minimise the risk of rejection, and she’s AB negative.” I pull out of her hold and slump back in my chair, feeling the weight of the fucking world begin to crush me. My eyes continue to trickle with a never-ending stream of tears. This can’t be happening, please.
“Is that bad?”
“It means we are currently looking for a needle in the mother of all haystacks, or a miracle that her father is going to walk through those doors.” I point at the end of the corridor and for a moment we both just stare at t
he double doors expectantly. They open and shut with an elderly porter bringing supplies to the ward, clearly not a candidate with his dark chocolate skin, ancient face, and the fact that he’s a porter, and Raleigh was after a sugar daddy.
“Shit,” Shannon says, and her eyes widen with worry that she’s expressed something she should be keeping at bay, hopelessness. “Do you still have your sister’s stuff?” If she felt hopeless, it was only for a fraction of a second, and her expression is now a mix of determination and intrigue, the latter has me feeling the same.
“Some of it I kept for Ruby, why?”
“Look, Raleigh may have left a clue, something that leads to Ruby’s father. Give me your keys, and I’ll have a good look.” She hurriedly gathers her bag, and coat, and cups her hand for me to give her the keys to my apartment.
“I did check when she died, there’s nothing.” I fish my keys from my pocket and hold them out.
“But you weren’t really looking, and, besides, as smart as you are, you do not have my stalking capabilities. If he’s in there, I’ll find him.” She snatches the keys with excitement and levels a knowing look on me that almost has me believing.
“Thank you, Shannon.” I stand and she holds me so tight she squeezes the sound out of my grateful words.
“Anything for you, babe. You’ve got this.” She smiles with all the optimism that evades me.
I don’t have this, not by a long fucking way. This isn’t one of my patients. This is Ruby, and she’s my baby.
“Hey, how are you doing?” His soft deep voice still makes me jump. I haven’t moved from Ruby’s side since they let me back in. Her tiny hand lies limp in mine, twitching occasionally and making my heart race with hope, if only for a moment.
“How does it look like I’m doing?” I snap, with tension ticking at my clenched jaw and rolling off me in tidal waves. “What are you even doing here?” I scowl.
He holds up his palms in surrender but doesn’t back away.
“Look, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll cut and run. That really shouldn’t be so hard for you. After all, it is what you’re good at.”