by Dee Palmer
“Is she not unconscious?” Judy asks.
“Yes, but when she wakes.”
“You believe knowing her father would make her worse?” Judi scribbles some notes, and I look from her to Joel. I can’t hold his gaze; it’s too much. I can see it all too clearly; he’s scared, vulnerable, so damn hurt that I believe this.
“I…I… Yes.” I blink and keep my lids clammed shut, as if not looking at him will make this any easier. It won’t. This is fucking awful, and my resolve starts to deteriorate as tendrils of doubt creep into my periphery.
“Then don’t tell her,” Joel adds, to my confusion.
“What?”
“Don’t tell her I’m her father. She doesn’t have to know that until she’s ready.” His voice is calm, reasoned even, and I’m taken back. “I agree with you, Regan, it was a fucking…excuse me. Finding out I’m a father was a damn shock to me, and I’m an adult. It would be more of a shock for her; I understand that. I don’t want anything to hinder her recovery, but she likes me, Regan.” His hand twitches to reach across the table. He clenches his fist and stops himself, drawing in a deep, steady breath before he continues repeating what I know is true. “Ruby likes me. You said so yourself. Let me spend time with her as a friend.”
“You don’t want her to know you’re her father. Somehow I find that difficult to believe,” Harper responds since I’m struggling to speak. This is so hard.
“I’m not saying never tell her, just when she’s ready.”
“That seems a fair compromise,” Judy says, and a jolt of panic brings me back into the conversation.
“You can’t make her spend time with you,” I argue.
“I wouldn’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do.”
“You’re making me do this,” I snap.
“No, you’re making me do this.” His heartfelt response winds me. “Regan, if she doesn’t want to spend time with me, I won’t make her.”
“Of course she’ll want to spend time with you. You’ll shower her with gifts.” I sniff, contempt thick and judgment in my tone. What little girl wouldn’t be swayed by the charming, handsome man bestowing time and luxury gifts? Recalling this past Christmas, I shudder to think what he’s capable of spending on his own child given the gifts he lavished on a godchild he barely sees.
“Make that a condition if it worries you.”
“What?”
“I won’t spend a dime, if that’s what you want.”
“Another fair compromise. I think we’ll be out of here in no time.” Judy writes some more notes, and I feel the rush of fear race like heat across my skin. No, this isn’t happening, decisions are spiralling, and I feel like I’m circling the drain for all the impact I’m having. I grab hold of Harper’s sleeve tugging like a hysterical child.
“No…Harper? Harper, make it stop!” I plead and, at her wide-eyed response, I release my vise-like grip and force myself to calm the fuck down. I draw in a steady breath and exhale with an easy smile forced and fixed on my face. I turn to address Judy.
“Even if this is acceptable, which, I would like to clarify, I’m not saying it is, what happens when she comes home? These aren’t your only demands are they, Joel? You want to share her, joint custody?” My voice cracks at the very thought, and my stomach lurches with bile. Don’t throw up, Regan. Hold it together.
“Not my preferred option, but something like that, yes.” He looks at me, intense and intriguingly cryptic. If I wasn’t in such turmoil, I might be able to wade through the heated glare and weighted intonation in his words. As it is, I’m clueless and barely holding it together. He breaks eye contact and addresses Judi. “In time, I want to have Ruby stay with me. I want to be a proper father, a real father, since I’m never going to be able to have another child of my own.”
“Did you not tell Regan that, as part of your inheritance, you had to make a ‘deposit’ ”—Harper air quotes for emphasis here—“to keep the family name going?”
“I did tell her that.” His lips start to curl, it’s only a fraction of a movement when he checks himself, straightens, and seems to brace himself to continue. “I didn’t tell her, however, that I never got around to it before I contracted mumps.” His voice wavers, and I almost blurt out a cold laugh. It’s an act; it’s not remotely funny, and judging by Judy’s slight tilt of her head, it’s fucking working. “I can’t have more children, Regan, you can.” He adds with a break of eye contact, dipping them in what? Defeat?
Wow, just wow.
“Oh, that’s all right, then. Never mind me losing that kid, I’ll just drop out another one, because that’s the fucking same!” Sarcasm thickly coats each of my words until my jaw drops with the ridiculousness of that argument. I throw my hands up and shrug it all off as a situation simply solved with my new suggestion.
“That’s not what I meant!” he growls. Fury pinches his jaw shut, and it takes a good few seconds for him to regain his composure. It was a low blow. I know he didn’t mean that, and now I have a sizeable helping of guilt to add to my ever-increasing mix of emotions. The silence is charged but only lasts a moment when Joel speaks. “I made a lot of mistakes, Regan, a lot. Letting Ruby go now would eclipse anything, and I’m not going to do that. I want to a real father to her…in time.” He adds the last part in light of his earlier concession.
“How? How would that even work, Joel? You work full-time. Your apartment is hardly child-friendly.” I feel I’m clutching at straws now as he continues to take the fire out of my desire to deny this good man, a man I loved, access to the best little girl in the world.
“I love my work, but Ruby is more important. I have already requested to cut my hours. I’m not being presumptuous here, Regan, I’m just being optimistic.”
“As always, what about your apartment, that balcony for one?”
“I agree. I wouldn’t relax for a second.” He swallows thickly, and I can see he genuinely shares this concern. “It isn’t my intention to bring her to my city apartment at all, not until it is completely child-proofed. For the interim, we would stay at my mother’s, Ruby’s grandmother. She lives on the lake, a large, safe house about an hour’s drive from the city.”
“Your mother has agreed to this?” Judy inquires with keen interest.
“Let’s not pretend your mother has a maternal bone in her body, Joel,” I interrupt for the purpose of injecting some reality into this Disney filtered scenario. “You were raised by nannies and your grandfather. And don’t forget your stepsister chose to go to full-time boarding school instead of coming home.”
“But that’s not me.”
“Dr Prescott would never leave Ruby alone, not for a minute, no matter what.” Joel’s lawyer effectively lays her cards on the table, and I reel from the inherent accusation and latent threat.
“Alison!” Joel booms his interruption that rattles the glass on the sideboard and silences the room.
“You win,” I mouth, broken and unable to gather enough strength to speak. I can’t do this anymore.
“Regan.” Harper turns to me, but I can’t focus as fresh, copious tears blur my vision.
“Leave, everyone out!” Joel stands, pushes his chair back and strides purposefully around the table, My shoulders start to shake with the strength of the sobs breaking my body apart.
“Dr Prescott, you can’t—” Judy’s indignant protest is cut dead.
“I can and have. Out, everyone!” He pulls my chair around to face him as he drops to his haunches and clears the room with one final command.
“Out, that means you, too, Harper.” He looks up as my friend hovers by my shoulder, waiting perhaps for me to say something, anything. I can’t. I have nothing left. Harper holds her phone between us and right in front of his face.
“You know, she wouldn’t let me use these, but you break her, and these go viral.” Joel doesn’t even look at the screen, which I know must have the most damning of the pictures of the marks he gave me. I reach up and snatch her
phone. Tucking it under my arm, I clarify my position on this subject at least.
“I said no, and I meant no.”
I feel his heat and comfort like a warm blanket that cloaks and cossets. His arms rest on either side of me, gripping the sides of my chair. As safe as I always felt in his embrace, I can’t let myself be seduced by his nearness. He tips my chin up and wipes the tears from my cheeks, and his thumb traces a tear to the corner of my mouth and I suck in a shock of surprise when his lips tenderly cover mine.
“Regan, please, we don’t have to do this.” His forehead rests on mine, and hope fills the words that brush with the warm breath across my damp skin.
“I can’t believe you told your lawyer that.” I’ve lost any of the fierceness in my hurt-filled accusation.
“I can’t believe you let Harper take a picture of your bruises.” He dips his head to keep the eye contact.
“I didn’t. I didn’t know she took them.”
“Neither did I. I mean, I didn’t tell Alison, not directly, and not the way she interpreted.” His large hand sweeps my face as the tears won’t seem to stop. He looks deep into me, and I know he’s telling the truth. He may be a lot of things, but he really isn’t a liar. “I was on the phone talking to my sister. I needed some advice, and Trinity has become a really good source of what’s real and important recently. Anyway, I was telling her about Ruby and you, and that you’re an amazing mom, and I was questioning my right to interfere.” He falters and pain etches his handsome features so much, I find myself returning his touch. I press my hand to the side of his face, and he leans against my palm, stubble scratching the skin for a moment before he lifts his head and continues. “I just want to get to know that amazing little girl, Regan. I want to be her father because I’m never going to get that chance, otherwise. She’s my daughter too.”
“And telling your sister how I fucked up, how did that come up exactly?”
“I asked Trinity if I was doing the right thing, and that surely it’s better to have two parents. She actually disagreed, and that’s when I told her what you told me. I never judged, Regan. You can ask her. If anything, I told her in the context of how incredible I thought you were to raise Ruby on your own, as your own.”
“I’m not on my own; I have friends, Joel.”
“Who have their own lives. I’m not disparaging their support, really I’m not, but you know it’s different. Ruby isn’t their priority, and that isn’t true for us, is it?”
“I think it’s a little premature to be wielding the ‘us’ badge, don’t you think?”
“I have to prove myself. I know that, and I will. I promise. That’s all I want, Regan, a chance to prove myself.”
“And to discredit me as a mother, don’t forget that bit.” I can’t help myself; the slice across my chest is raw and raging.
“I never meant for it to be used against you. I was working with Alison when I took the call from Trinity, and she overheard. She told me I needed to use it, and I said no. Simple. She should never have said anything, however cryptic.”
“She told Harper.”
“What?”
“She told Harper this morning, said that you weren’t going to use it now, but if I pushed for court, it would all come out.”
“That’s bullshit. I told her I wouldn’t use it, period. She’ll be lucky to keep her license after that little stunt.” He curses under his breath, and I know he means every word. I almost feel sorry for her. Yeah, maybe not.
“And the bruises?” he asks, a deep frown troubling his brow.
“Same sort of thing, Harper took photos I didn’t even know existed until this morning. I told her hell, no. What we do…what we did was consensual and I’d never—” I shake my head as he interrupts.
“I know, but I wouldn’t blame you.” He quirks his lip with a half-hearted attempt at a smile filled with resignation and sadness. “I’m not trying to take her from you Regan, I just want to be a part of her life.”
“I know, and I’m just scared shitless. I can’t lose her, Joel, and I’m terrified of letting you back in, because I won’t survive you when you change your mind and decide fatherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” I confess in a rush of truth that shocks me as much as it does him.
“I give you my word, Regan, that won’t happen.”
“And you are a man of your word.” I exhale.
“I am.”
“So what now?” I roughly dry the last of my tears that seem to have stopped falling.
“I actually had an idea.”
“Of course you do.”
“We can do the joint custody thing if that suits. I’ll have Ruby every other weekend and she can stay with me at my mother’s or…” He leaves the option dangling like a juicy fruit I have to bite.
“Or?”
“I childproof my apartment, and you move in with me. You and Ruby.” He grins wide and wicked at his genius plan, and I snort with a laugh at his joke.
“You’re funny. Oh, wait…you’re serious?” My humour flatlines with the sternness of Joel’s expression.
“Perfectly serious.”
“Oh, Joel, I don’t think that’s going to work.” I back off with a slight shake of my head and a nervous laugh.
“Just think about it,” My phone starts to vibrate in my back pocket at the same time Joel’s mobile sparks to life. The number of the Peds floor flashes across my screen, and my heart stops. Ruby! Too terrified to press the button, I freeze with my phone jumping unanswered in my hand. Joel takes the device and ends the call; his eyes meet mine. He checks his cell phone and smiles.
“She’s awake.” Joel jump-starts my heart, and I explode in a burst of pure joy and a fresh flood of tears as I throw my arms around his neck, and I let him pull me flush to his firm body. I wrap myself around him like a vine and relish the strength of his hold. I love that we are already heading for the door. Long strides carry us away from this drama and to our little girl.
I call over Joel’s shoulder as he eats up the distance along the corridor to the stairwell. Harper’s face is a picture of confusion.
“She’s awake! Our baby’s awake!”
“Woohoo!” She dashes to catch up, skidding as she reaches the door. “Is she okay?”
“Let’s go and find out, together.”
I rush out as soon as the elevator doors open and pause only for a second so as not to frighten Ruby as I come crashing through her door. Joel and Harper are hot on my heels, and I swear I don’t draw a breath until I fix my eyes in her, sitting upright and smiling weakly at the nurse taking her temperature.
“Hey, baby girl.” My hands fumble to touch every part of her. Her cheeks are impossibly soft, and I sweep her unruly locks from her forehead and run my fingers lightly the length of her arms until I can hold her hand and calm my erratic heartbeat.
“Momma, I’m itchy.” She reaches for the cannula in the back of her left hand but actually starts to scratch all over her body.
“I know sweetie. I’ll give you a bath and that will help.”
“Is it the sleepy dust?” She rubs her eyes and then carries on rubbing at random spaces all over herself.
“Could be,” I’m not concerned, some of the drugs she has been given have side effects, and itchy skin is not uncommon after waking from a long sleep.
“I thought that was only in my eyes,” she grumbles, fully fidgeting now that the nurse has finished taking her vitals.
“Well, you’ve been a sleep for a little while.”
“I have?”
“Yes, baby.” I lean in to kiss her forehead as relief saturates every cell. As utterly exhausted as I am, I don’t think I will ever be able to sleep again for fear of missing this. I keep the fear at bay, locked away down in the darkest part of my mind, but it’s there, the fear that time is running out.
“This hurts.” She points to the back of her hand and I get a clench in my chest that I can’t help ease her pain.
“I know baby, I
know.”
“Here, let me put some of this on, now that you’re awake. It will help.” Joel puts a little numbing cream around the plastic film protecting the cannula.
“Hello, Joel. What are you doing here? Are you my doctor now?” Ruby’s eyes light with recognition, and she bounces a little, only to flop back on her pillow with obvious fatigue.
“Would you like me to be?”
“No, I don’t like doctors, and I like you.” She shakes her head adamantly, and then nods her approval.
“Okay, Ruby. I’ll just take away the pain, how about that?” he offers, and my heart sinks.
“Yes, this hurts, and it hurts here too. Can you take that pain away too?” Ruby points to her tummy, her chest, and legs.
“Joel,” I keep a tight smile and nod toward the door. “Can I have a word?”
“Sure. Hey, Ruby, would you like me to bring you some ice cream?” he asks, as he steps backwards, following me outside.
“Yes, please. Cherry Garcia, please, that’s my favourite.”
“You got it.” He salutes with two fingers, just as Harper enters the room.
“Auntie Harper!” Ruby squeals with delight, and Harper envelopes her little body in a hug, as I tug a reluctant Joel away from the window. We reach the end of the corridor, and I decide we need more privacy. I drag him into the stairwell.
“Joel, you need to rein in what you can promise her. I know how tempting it is to make promises to ease her pain.” I let out a heavy sigh when he stiffens. “Trust me on this, you’ll want to make it go away, but you can’t. You just can’t make promises you can’t keep, and until she gets that transplant there are just no guarantees.” My eyes fill with tears, I feel desolate saying this out loud, and it breaks me in two when his eyes close.
“I know,” he says after an unbearably painful second of silence. Even so, I can’t risk this not getting through.
“Do you? Because I’m pretty sure you were just about to promise to take all her pain away, and you and I both know with aplastic anaemia, there’s no such thing.”