“I’m glad you like the gifts. I put the scarves you embroidered in the bedroom. Brian took the travel alarm to San Francisco last week.”
“Did you go along?”
“No, something came up.”
“It must have been something important to keep you from going with him.”
“I guess it was.” Taking a deep breath, she launched into the subject she’d avoided discussing with her mom. “Brian and I finished all the prerequisites for adopting a child. We found out that an unwed mother needed a place to stay during the last month of her pregnancy, and we offered to let her stay here. It looks as if we’re going to adopt her baby.”
This time the silence between mother and daughter was palpable. Finally her mother asked, “You’ve given up trying to have a child of your own?”
“I have no choice, Mom.”
“You blame me because you can’t have children, don’t you?”
Carrie’s response was automatic. “No, I don’t.”
“I think you do.”
“Mom, let’s not get into this again. Brian and I are going to have a baby. He’ll be your grandson. Can you be happy about that?”
“I did what was best, Carrie,” Paula Bradley said for the millionth time. “I did it for your sake as much as for the money you could bring into the family with your modeling career. What would have happened to you? Where would your future have gone? You were already somebody important, getting your picture in all those magazines, flying off to New York and Europe. I didn’t want that to end for you.”
Maybe it was time for her to express her feelings to her mother, too. “Mom, look. I understand what you did and why you did it. You thought the abortion would be best for everyone. But now I understand the abortion wasn’t best for me, even without the infertility problems. It was my fault more than yours. I should have stood up to you. I should have figured out a way to keep my baby and my career.”
“I think you were too young to do that,” her mother murmured. “I never should have let you live in Portland by yourself.”
There was so much blame, plenty to go around. It was time it stopped, at least where she and her mother were concerned. She knew her own guilt would never leave her, but she’d deal with that. “As much as we want to, we can’t go back and change anything. Through all the counseling, at least I learned that. Now that Brian and I are going to have a baby, I want you to look forward to being a grandma again.”
Paula sighed. “I didn’t think it would ever happen for you. When’s the baby due?”
“February second. But you know how that goes. I guess he can come late or early. I’ll let you know as soon as he’s born.”
“Will you?”
“Yes. Brian and I will take tons of pictures so you don’t miss a thing. As soon as we can, we’ll visit.”
“I’d like that. So would your dad.”
“Good. Brian’s pretty busy right now, but maybe I can get up to see you and Whitney, Mary and the kids within the next couple of weeks.”
“Just let me know when you’re coming and I’ll bake that lemon pudding cake you like so much.”
“I’ll do that.”
A few moments later, Carrie had said goodbye and reached for her apple juice. She’d been standing in the corner facing the cabinets while she and her mother talked. Now as she turned, she saw Lisa in the doorway to the kitchen. How long had she been there?
“You went to counseling?” Lisa asked.
A cold shiver skittered up Carrie’s spine. She’d mentioned the counseling at the end of her discussion with her mom. “Yes, I did. It helped during a very confusing time in my life.”
“Something like I’m going through now?”
Relieved, Carrie realized Lisa hadn’t heard the earlier part of the conversation. “When you don’t know which direction to turn, it’s good to ask for help. A counselor is one way to go. The caseworker you consulted with is another.”
“I’m not thinking about the pregnancy so much, but I still really miss my folks. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes crying. It’s been three years. That’s not normal, is it?”
“I doubt if you’ll ever stop missing them. The missing might become less painful and you’ll remember the good times. At least that’s what I understand about grief, about losing somebody. Whenever you lose someone, they take a piece of your heart with them so you can’t expect to ever be the same as you were before. My counselor explained that to me one time.”
“I guess you can try to replace that piece.”
“I guess you can, but even if you replace it, the new piece doesn’t fit exactly and there’s still that space for the missing. But it keeps you connected, too. If you didn’t miss your parents, maybe then you wouldn’t feel how much you love them and how much they loved you.”
Lisa had placed her purse on the table and now she picked it up. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
“I’m ready. I was thinking maybe after your lunch with Ariel, we might want to shop for some new clothes for you. What do you think?”
“You’re buying?” Lisa asked with a mischievous grin.
“I’m buying,” Carrie assured her.
“Can we stop at the makeup counter, too?”
With a smile, feeling like a big sister, Carrie wrapped her arm around the girl’s shoulders. “Sure we can.”
She was really looking forward to their excursion to the mall.
The sun played hide-and-seek with the January clouds as Brian nudged his horse into a run on Saturday afternoon. His burst of speed surprised Carrie. He was hatless, wearing a flannel shirt and an insulated vest to give him freedom of movement. His jean-clad legs were close to the horse’s sides as he leaned lower in the saddle and became one with the horse. This break in their normal routine, horseback riding at Adam and Leigh Bartlett’s ranch, was a break they didn’t take often enough. Maybe relaxing this afternoon and evening could dissolve the discord between them.
Carrie had known Leigh for over two years. They’d become friends when one of the children in the pediatric ward had been transferred to the oncology unit. Leigh was a pediatric oncology nurse. When Leigh had married Adam Bartlett, the two of them had decided to turn his ranch into a camp for kids with cancer. They were in the process of doing that now and the first children were slated to arrive in the summer.
The overwhelming urge to catch up with Brian overtook Carrie and thoughts of Leigh and Adam slipped aside as she flicked her horse’s reins, leaned low over the bay gelding, and encouraged, “Let’s catch up to him.” Carrie had learned to ride when she’d done a magazine shoot and stayed on a ranch in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. She’d loved being around the horses, grooming them, taking lessons from the rancher’s wife. In two weeks she’d gone from greenhorn to novice rider. When she’d returned to Portland, she’d ridden at a nearby stable as often as she could. After she’d married Brian, she’d been pleased to learn he’d spent some time around horses whenever he visited a friend in Salinas who had a ranch there. They’d ridden together on occasion during the first year of their marriage, but then…it had stopped.
Now all Carrie could think about was not letting Brian get too far ahead of her. He was streaking forward on a chestnut gelding named Raider as if he were glued to him, as if rushing through the wind at breakneck speed was something Brian had longed to do for a lifetime. She knew the feeling. She knew the freedom of being one with the horse, trusting him as he trusted her, practically flying through time and space.
Gripping her horse’s mane, she urged him, “Faster, Samson. We have to show him we can keep up.” That was all-important to her now, proving to Brian she was his partner and his equal.
When she pulled even with Brian, he glanced at her as if surprised. A few moments later he pulled out ahead of her again and kept his lead. There was a copse of pines up ahead and Brian slowed as he neared it. She did, too, and finally came to a stop next to him.
“That was wonderful,” she
breathed, feeling exhilarated.
“Yes, it was. I didn’t think you’d race me, though. I was going to give Raider a good workout, then turn around and come back to you.”
“You didn’t think I’d enjoy a good race?” she asked jokingly. There was a bit of seriousness behind it, too.
“I didn’t know if you’d be secure enough in the saddle to flat-out run. We haven’t done much of it lately.”
“No, we haven’t, and I think we ought to take up Leigh and Adam on the offer to come out and ride more often.”
“Didn’t I hear Leigh say she’d be glad to baby-sit while we rode?”
“Yes, but if we have a baby, I just can’t imagine leaving him in somebody else’s hands.”
“Maybe we can come out again next weekend if the weather holds.”
“That’s one advantage of adopting,” she said lightly. “If I were pregnant, you’d have to ride alone.”
“If you were pregnant, I’d be home watching over you.”
She didn’t know what had even made her bring it up. She shouldn’t have because she saw a fleeting shadow cross Brian’s face and knew he longed for a wife who could get pregnant with his own child. Was she deluding herself into thinking anything would change after they had Lisa’s baby in their arms? Could Brian really accept the baby as his? What if this adoption fell through? What would happen to them then?
Breaking eye contact, she patted her horse’s neck and she could feel Brian’s gaze on her. Swallowing hard, she said, “I’d better walk him.”
Brian looked up at the sky. “That sun could disappear altogether and we could end up with rain again.”
With the subject changed, remnants of things unsaid still wafted between them.
Turning his horse toward the ranch, Brian started back, waiting for her to follow. But instead of following as she once might have done, she pulled up beside him.
Six
When Carrie and Brian returned to the corral, Adam was waiting for them with a grin. “I’ll help you groom Samson and Raider while Leigh puts the finishing touches on dinner. She wants me to show you the house for the kids.”
Carrie liked Adam as much as she did Leigh. He was a self-made man like Brian. From what Leigh had told her, he had come from a harsh childhood to become CEO of his own software company. He still kept his hand in Novel Programs Unlimited’s workings but for the most part now, he let his partner handle the day-today running of the company while he and Leigh put all of their energy and attention into getting this camp for kids with cancer up and running.
“You’ve built another barn, too,” Carrie noted, her enthusiasm for his project showing.
“With three barns and two houses, you’re going to need a good bit of staff,” Brian added.
“Leigh’s in the process of interviewing now. I’m trying to find a good horse trainer to help me choose the right mounts for the kids.”
“Does Thunder still have his own barn and corral?” Thunder was Adam’s spirited stallion.
“No. There are two other geldings with him now and they calmed him down. Leigh even rides him on occasion. She and that horse seemed to have developed a special bond. But I still won’t let a stranger on him.”
As Brian and Carrie dismounted, Adam led them into the barn. The smell of hay, old wood and leather cleaner was pleasurable to Carrie. Soon she and Adam were brushing down Samson while Brian worked on Raider.
“I feel comfortable and safe in a barn,” Carrie mused as her hands smoothed over Samson’s coat. “Maybe it’s because it’s so earthy…so real.”
“Or maybe you were a cowgirl in a past life,” Adam joked.
She laughed. “Maybe. Sometimes I think horses are easier to communicate with than people.”
“You won’t get an argument on that from me. Until Leigh came back into my life, Thunder was my best friend.”
Carrie thought about Leigh and Adam, as well as their life on Cedar Run Ranch. “You’re so lucky.”
Adam peered at her over Samson’s withers. “How so?”
“You can get up in the morning and take a ride if you want. Or when you finish your day, you can just hop on Thunder and clear the cobwebs out of your head.”
“Yeah, but don’t forget the vet bills and the upkeep, not to mention the time. Rodney takes care of the horses for me, but I like to handle them myself, exercise them and just generally make sure they’re in good shape. Leigh calls it my overseer complex.”
Carrie didn’t know if Brian, who had been silent up until then, had been paying attention to the conversation. Suddenly he was involved, too. “I don’t think it’s unusual to want to make sure something you put your time and your heart into flourishes. That’s the whole point of working and living, isn’t it?” her husband asked seriously.
“I suppose. But I’m going to have to trust someone else to do the overseeing once the kids arrive. Leigh and I want to make sure we give all of our attention to them.”
That was the sensitive topic simmering between her and Brian. When she glanced over at him, though, his focus was concentrated on grooming Raider.
Fifteen minutes later, Adam’s excitement was contagious as he showed them around the new barn and then the house, which could sleep about twelve children. The rooms were cheery, with lots of primary colors in the wallpaper and borders.
As Adam took them on the grand tour of the upstairs, he explained, “We’ll have one full-time housemother and she’ll have two aides. It depends how many children we house at one time. With Leigh being our program director and resident nurse, she’ll be busy with planning and monitoring the kids. I intend to just be around, roughhouse with them, play football and generally get in the way.”
“How’s your brother Mark?” Brian asked.
“He’s doing well and on his way to a full recovery. It’s been a long haul, but every time I see him now, he looks healthier.”
Adam had never known his real father, Jared Cambry. Last year, his dad had found him because Adam was the only hope for a bone marrow transplant for Jared’s youngest son Mark. Fortunately, Adam had been a perfect match. Through it all, he’d gained a family he’d never really had.
“Will Mark be coming to the camp?”
“I hope so. Maybe by the end of the summer.”
Brian had wandered to the windows overlooking the back of the house. “Are you going to cut a trail through those woods for hiking?”
“We plan to. Actually, I’m going to clear a few more of those trees so we can put equipment in the backyard—a jungle gym, swings, a slide.”
“Are you going to do it yourself?”
“Yes. Toward the end of the week.” After a short pause, he added, jokingly, “I can always use an extra hand. Especially splitting the logs afterward.”
“I’d be glad to help,” Brian offered. “I haven’t swung an axe for a few years but I heard it’s like riding a bike, something you never forget.”
“Are you serious?” Adam asked.
“Sure. That’ll be a better physical workout than using the Nautilus.”
“You’re on,” Adam said. “With you helping, we may be able to finish it in a day.”
Carrie wasn’t surprised Brian had offered to help. He was a physical man and tried to keep fit any way he could. She could see the idea of outside work appealed to him.
After they left the newly built house, they walked down the lane to Adam and Leigh’s home. Carrie loved the look of the log home, which was rustic and charming. The walk to the door was lined with split rail fence. When Adam led them inside, Carrie was reminded what a cozy home felt like. There were colorful hand-woven rugs on the hardwood floor, lots of light from a skylight and windows, a casual atmosphere emanating from the rustic beams. All the rooms were on one floor and Carrie knew in addition to the dining room and kitchen, there were three bedrooms and a study. It felt so much homier than her house, so much more lived-in.
As Leigh came in from the kitchen to the living room, Carrie said, “I
do love your house.”
Leigh had tied back her blond hair into a ponytail. She was wearing jeans, boots and a patterned sweater and looked happier than Carrie had ever seen her. “We love it, too. After you wash up, dinner will be ready.”
As Adam and Brian talked during dinner, Carrie realized how much the two men had in common. Brian had always gotten along with Adam, but now it seemed as if a real friendship was growing. He didn’t have that with the men he worked with, she knew. He always kept them at arm’s length, separating his business life from his personal life.
“Lisa didn’t want to come along with you?” Leigh asked Carrie.
When she’d accepted Leigh’s invitation, Carrie had told her about Lisa. “She decided she’d rather stay home.”
“How long until her due date?”
“Almost three weeks. We ordered furniture for the nursery and it’s being delivered in a few days.”
“You’re going to be busy all the way around. Do you have to do much preparation for hosting the public awareness program for the bone marrow donor registry?”
Carrie was looking forward to the telethon she was emceeing on Tuesday. “I have to go over the backgrounds of the guests I’m going to interview. I’ll figure out how to help them open up so they’re comfortable. The entertainment is already lined up. We have a pop singer, as well as a band from one of the veterans’ organizations. The coordinator of the program seems to know exactly what she’s doing. I liked working with her.”
“It’s been a while since you were in the limelight, hasn’t it?” Leigh asked.
“Yes, and I’m a bit nervous about it.”
“You’ve no reason on earth to be nervous,” Brian insisted as he reached over and took her hand.
All of a sudden she realized the men’s conversation had stopped and somewhere along the way, they had listened in on her conversation with Leigh. “I have to talk for practically ninety minutes straight with only breaks for commercials and entertainment. If I can’t get the parents and kids to really open up to me, the audience is going to be bored and no one will call in to register.” Brian’s hand on hers felt so good. Not only good, but protective and reassuring, too.
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