by Dori Lavelle
As soon as we’d stepped into the house, she could have asked one of my brothers to drive her back to the ship, but she didn’t. She chose to take care of my injuries herself instead of delegating the job to someone else. After everything, maybe I still have a chance.
As Grace takes care of my cheek, she won’t look me in the eye. I’m afraid to say anything, to spoil the moment. So, I study her face in silence. The long lashes, the full lips, the rosy cheeks. How is it possible for someone to look more beautiful messed up than put together? For the first time ever, I wonder if she’s the one, my future, the mother of my children. If she agrees to have me, would it last? What if my inexperience at dating gets in the way and I mess up the one good thing in my life?
The idea of getting serious terrifies the hell out of me, but it also fills my heart with something I’ve never felt before, not even with Audrey. When I think of Grace in my future, the part of me that has felt empty for so long fills up.
“I wish you would look at me.” I need to bite the bullet, to take my chances.
She packs all the things away, and her eyes meet mine briefly. She doesn’t say a word.
“Are we no longer speaking?” I lean back in the chair.
“Thanks.” She goes to lean against the railing, distancing herself from me. “Thanks for helping me out there. I appreciate it.” She’s being polite, so different from the woman I had brought here not too long ago.
“Of course. It’s my fault you went out there in the first place. I’m glad you’re okay.” I scratch the back of my neck. “I think we should talk about . . . what you heard before you left.”
“What’s there to say?” A shadow crosses her features, breaking my heart.
“Look.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “A lot of what Lance said is the truth. But not all of it.”
“Which part of the story is not true?” She turns away from me, leaning over the railing.
It’s better for her to face away. It makes it easier for me to say what’s on my mind.
“I didn’t throw him over the balcony intentionally. We were both drunk and the way things were going, either of us could’ve ended up hurt.” I blow out a breath. “Lance was unconscious, so he had no idea that I was the one who called the ambulance.” I shut my eyes to erase images of the past. “The truth is, I was a kid and I was stupid. I did things in my past I’m not proud of. Competing with my brother for a girl wasn’t worth it. I learned it the hard way.” I open my eyes to find her watching me.
“I believe you.” She lifts her shoulders and lets them drop. “I guess I’m a little disappointed you didn’t tell me all this. I felt stupid for telling you everything about my life, even the embarrassing bits, and you didn’t feel it important to share with me something so significant. But I guess I don’t have the right to feel this way. We don’t owe each other anything.”
“I wanted to tell you many times. Trust me on that.” I can still remember the nights I lay awake in my room, wondering if I should tell her about that part of my life. It’s not so much that I wanted to create the bond between us, but more because I needed someone to talk to, to share my burden with for a minute. Someone who will not judge me. “It’s something I have not spoken to anyone about for a long time. Something I tried so hard not to think about.” I form fists with my hands. “The reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want you to be afraid of me.”
“Why should I be afraid of you?”
“Even though I didn’t do it intentionally, my brother went flying over a balcony. I was afraid you’d think I’m violent or something.” I sigh. “What happened to Lance is the reason I am the way I am, the reason I couldn’t commit to any woman. When he lay in that hospital bed, fighting for his life, I made myself a promise. I promised not to be happy, unless he was. I’ve worked so hard at shutting people out that it wasn’t easy to let the walls come down again. But I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Forgive me, please.”
She’s quiet for a long time and when she speaks, her voice is so low the wind steals some of the words. I catch the ones that are important before they get lost. “You know, this whole thing got me thinking. Maybe this thing between us has run its course. I’m not mad at you for anything and I believe you and understand your explanation. But I think maybe I should take some time alone to get back to earth, you know?” She manages a small smile. “I should get back to the ship.”
I read between the lines. She wants to end things before they become complicated.
Instead of trying to change her mind, I nod. I’ve never been a patient man. When I want something, I go out and get it without wasting time.
But Grace needs a moment to think. I should take a step back and give her the time she needs, then we’ll take it from there. I could also use the time to find the right words to say to her later. The last thing I need is to mess it all up.
“That’s fine. I understand.” I push myself out of the chair and touch her gently on the cheek.
She leans her face into my palm for an instant then pulls away. “Let me make you another offer.” I bury my hands into my pockets. “There’s no need for you to leave in the middle of the night. I can arrange for you to have your own room. I promise you’ll have all the space you need.”
“I’d appreciate that.” She blinks. “I’m pretty exhausted. Do you think your brothers would mind if I call it a night?”
“I don’t think so. I plan to do the same.” I gesture toward the entrance. “Let me show you to one of the guest rooms.”
When Grace is in her room, I say goodnight to the boys and head back upstairs. I appreciate that none of them bombard me with questions.
Inside my own room, I sit out on the balcony with a bottle of beer, watching the waves crashing against the rocks. For the first time in years, I allow my heart to open, and give my mind permission to think back to that fateful night. How could it have gone so far? If I had backed away, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. It would not have left scars which would never disappear. Things could have been different.
Memories from the past flash through my mind, the conversation I’d had with Audrey in the hospital hallway, to let her know what happened to Lance. When I’d picked up the phone, I promised God that if Lance survived, I’d back off. I would let him have her.
To this day, Lance doesn’t know about the conversation I’d had with Audrey. It would’ve hurt him even more knowing the woman he had fallen in love with didn’t feel the same way, that she had toyed with him, with both of us. During that last phone call, I had been honest with her, told her what had led to the fight.
“You were fighting over me?” Her voice had sounded somewhat detached. “Well, that’s unfortunate.”
“He’s hurt badly, Audrey. He might not make it.”
“Oh,” was all she said.
“Listen to me. I like you.” I ran a hand through my hair. “But my brother, he loves you. And he needs you right now.”
“What do you expect me to do about that?”
“Come and see him. I’m sure he’ll be looking for you when he wakes up.” At this point I was disappointed that she didn’t offer to do that without being asked. My heart broke for my brother, knowing that the woman he felt was the one, didn’t seem to think it’s important to be by his side in his time of need.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do that.” She didn’t sound sorry at all. “I’m not at home right now.”
“Where are you?” Desperation soaked my voice. “Wherever you are, I’ll come and get you.”
“I’m at a spa with a friend. I’m afraid I won’t be able to leave until I’m done—”
“So this was all a game to you, am I right?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Her tone is cold now.
“You never cared about either of us, did you? You enjoyed the attention. You led us on. You knew the entire time how my brother felt about you, and you played him.”
“Yes, Bryant. I played
him, like I played you. Getting involved with both of you was actually—what can I say, a bet? I wanted to show my girlfriends that I can make both of you fall in love with me. I guess I win.”
“You bitch.” I slammed down the phone and drove a fist into the nearest wall.
After that night, we never saw Audrey again. She remained a sweet, unattainable dream in Lance’s heart and a bitter pill on the tip of my tongue.
20
Grace
I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing my pajamas.
I never planned on sleeping immediately. I wanted to be alone, to do some thinking. I meant what I said to Bryant. As much as I’m addicted to the way he makes me feel, I think we’ve reached the point where we have to get used to the idea of not being in each other’s lives or beds.
The events of the evening were the push I needed to make the difficult decision of letting him go. It would hurt more if he told me to leave than if I broke things off with him first. Or would it?
I’m pacing the room, an hour after Bryant and I parted, when my phone rings. I glare at my mother’s name flashing on the small screen.
As usual, she has called several times already today. My temper is a ball inside my chest as I press the green button to answer.
“Mom, if you want to talk about Dustin, now is a bad time.”
“What happened to you?” She reprimands. “I don’t like what being on that cruise has turned you into. Talking to your mother like she’s some kind of pest.”
“Can you please not get into what a disobedient daughter I am? The reason I said what I said is because I know why you’re calling. And before you force me to help Dustin, I haven’t changed my mind.” I sit back on the bed and close my eyes, exhaustion clouding my brain. “If you think he’s innocent, maybe you should help him.”
“Grace, why are you being so unkind?”
“Mother, I’m just being honest. And while we’re on the topic of honesty, I want you to know that you hurt me when you called me a whore.” She should be grateful that I even answered her call after our last conversation.
“I don’t know another word for women who go around sleeping with random men.” He breathing deepens. “But darling, it’s not too late. Once you get back home, you can ask God for forgiveness. You can repent after that wild adventure you’re on.”
“Repent?” I can’t stop the laughter spilling from my lips. “Why? I don’t feel bad about what I’m doing.”
“Things might seem different from where you are right now. But you have to come back to reality eventually. Your life is here. You can pick up where you left off, sort things out with your husband—”
I jump from the bed, the palm of my hand on my forehead. That’s the last straw. “If you still believe Dustin and I are going to get back together, you’re wrong. You want to know the truth of why we got a divorce? Well, Dustin only married me because I was a virgin. He thought sleeping with a virgin would be something earth-shattering.” I swallow the ball of hurt inside my throat. “Turns out, it wasn’t as he’d imagined it. He thought I’d be the kind of girl he saw in porn movies. We ended our marriage because Dustin thought I was a failure in bed. I deserve better than to be married to that kind of man.” By the time I’m done setting things straight, my cheeks are flushed with the humiliation I’d felt the night of my wedding.
“Goodness. . . I—surely you misunderstood him.” It’s the first time I’ve ever heard my mother lost for words.
“I wish I did, but no, we had a full conversation about it. Everything he said was crystal clear.” I draw in a breath. “He didn’t want me, Mom. And I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors. As soon as our marriage ended, he started sleeping his way through town. I don’t know whether he did something to that girl, but who knows?”
“You’ll still come back home, won’t you?” My mother is not strong on apologies, but I can hear the tears in her voice. I’ve obliterated her hopes for my future. “I’m sure you’ll find another good man here.”
“I already have. His name is Bryant and he’s a wonderful man. He’s kind and loving, and he rebuilt my confidence after Dustin broke it. Bryant is the kind of man I want to be with.” Tears block my throat as the truth of my words hits me.
Bryant is not interested in a long-term relationship, but that does not change how I feel about him.
“But I don’t know him,” my mother says in her disapproving voice. “Does he even believe in God? It’s not right for you to be with someone I haven’t even met.”
I blow my nose and flop onto the pillows. “I can be with any man I choose. It’s time you get used to the fact that I’m an adult now. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.” I crumple the tissue I used to blow my nose. “If Bryant happens to be a mistake, he’ll be my mistake.” I catch my breath. “Let go, Mom. Let me live my life.” I stop talking but don’t hang up on her this time. I give her a chance to digest what I said.
“Dustin lied to me?” Her voice breaks all the way down the line. “He said you were the one who hurt him. Did you voluntarily walk away from your marriage?”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you. I was disappointed too. I only intended to get married once. Unfortunately, things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. If you don’t believe what I told you, ask him. Maybe he’ll tell you the truth this time.”
“You think he did it? You think he did something to the girl?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “But I won’t be the person to dig him out of the hole he dug himself.”
“Okay,” my mother murmurs. “I understand. And I’m sorry—” She draws in a breath. “I’m sorry for suggesting you should help him. I had no idea. I never thought he was that type of man.”
“Mom, did you just say you’re sorry?” I sit up in surprise. “You’ve never apologized to me before.”
“Maybe I’m growing up.” She laughs but traces of disappointment still linger in her voice.
“In that case, you’re forgiven. I should’ve told you the truth in the first place.”
“And I shouldn’t have called you a . . . a . . .” She sighs. “I was angry and disappointed.”
“A whore?” I let out a bittersweet laugh. “I didn’t even know you had such words in your vocabulary. But it’s okay, we sometimes say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment.”
“I just want my little girl to be happy, you know? That’s why I made so many decisions for you. I thought I could prevent you from getting hurt the way I was.” She pauses. “But you’re right, it’s your life. If my interference makes you unhappy, maybe it’s time I stop. I never wanted to be the reason for your unhappiness, baby.”
“I know. Thanks, Mom.” They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason for my disastrous marriage was so I could get closer to my mom. “And don’t worry,” I add, “I will introduce you to my future husband before I get married again. I won’t elope or something like that.”
“Thank you, darling. I’ll be ready to meet him.” She blows her nose.
A piece of my heart goes out to her. It’s a big step for her to let go of the control over my life. Habits are a hard thing to break.
“Come home soon, Gracie. I miss you too much.”
“I will. I’ll call you again tomorrow.”
After we hang up, I sit rigid on the bed, stunned by what had happened. There’s no way I could’ve predicted our conversation would end the way it did, that my mother and I would make amends, that she would give me her blessing to live my life as I please.
Now that I’m free to be my own person, my thoughts return to Bryant. There’s no denying how much I feel for him, how much I want to be a part of his life for longer than a few weeks.
But I don’t have the heart or courage to break our agreement, to possibly open myself up to major heartbreak. But if I walk away without a word, I might regret it for the rest of my life.
With Bryant still on my mind, I
slide under the sheets. As I fall asleep, I imagine his hands touching me, his lips on mine, the warmth of his breath on my skin.
My heart and body tell me Bryant could be the man I’ve been waiting for all my life. Whether I choose to do something about it or not, would not change that fact.
21
Bryant
His name is Bryant . . . a wonderful man . . . a kind and loving man . . . rebuilt my confidence . . .
Dammit, I open my eyes in the morning with Grace still on my mind, her words driving me crazy.
I bury my face into my pillow.
Last night, I’d gone over to Grace’s room, hoping to get closer to her. I’d changed my mind about waiting to tell her how I feel. And then through the slit in the door, I heard the words she said to her mother. Those beautiful words that now feel like lead inside my chest.
What the hell is wrong with me? One would think Grace told her mother I’m a dick.
Could it be I’m not ready for a serious relationship after all? Maybe I’ll never be ready to commit to any woman, even the right one.
I barge into the bathroom and jump under a cold shower, a distraction outside my confused heart. As the water sluices down my body, I try to push Grace from my mind, to find a moment of calm.
When I exit the bathroom, refreshed and ready to head downstairs for breakfast, Neal pops his head around the door.
Before I decided to go to Grace’s room last night, my brothers had shown up to try and convince me to join them for the last few minutes of the party. I’d refused the invitation. The only person I’d wanted to spend time with was Grace, even though I’d promised to give her space.
“Is Grace downstairs?” I ask before Neal gets a word in.
“Nope. She’s out. She left right after breakfast. Said something about going to see some friends on the ship.” He pauses. “Is something going on between you two?”