by Sarah Cole
I knock on the door to the bus that Charlie and Andrew rented and are using as a mobile office. Terry, their driver opens up and gives me a nod. The guy doesn’t say much, but he’s solid, and I feel good about letting him drive Charlie and her family around the country. When I step up, I see that everyone is already here and chatting. I hear a screech from Fallon, and look to find her when my eyes land on a long mess of shiny cotton candy colored waves holding her and playing patty cake. No…
Fallon shrieks, “Jay!” and the pink hair flips back revealing surprised gray eyes that I haven’t gotten out of my head for three fucking days… or nights. That night when she walked off stage wearing my t-shirt, and smiled that smile at me, I knew I was in trouble. It stirred something inside of me that has been lying dormant for close to three years, and it nearly turned me inside out.
“Hey baby girl, how’s my little rock star?” I ask like usual, as I pick Fallon up to give her some love and she hugs me back. I love this little girl so much, and having no nieces or nephews of my own, she gets spoiled. I hand her to Andrew, who is leaving to take her for a walk, and my eyes find mystery girl’s again. She’s staring at me intently, not with the feistiness of the other night, but now with a soft understanding. It unnerves me so much that I feel the need to break eye contact and seek out Charlie who is filling up her coffee cup with not her usual coffee, but hot water and a tea bag. Odd. Giving her shoulders a hug, I reach up grab a mug of my own and fill it up before sitting down.
“OK.” Charlie starts, “First, let me introduce Lennon Taylor. She’s the assistant manager for the tour.”
“Hi guys, you can just call me Leni.” Lennon says with a shy smile and a wave, avoiding my stare. Damn, she’s hot.
“I know you are curious about what’s going on, but Leni approached me with some awesome news, and I think you guys are going to be pumped.” Charlie says, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
“You’re killin’ me smalls, get on with it.” Brenden says.
Leni looks to Charlie for approval before continuing, “The big name on this tour was always intended to be Bleeding Vengeance, and while they are great at what they do, our market research indicates that you guys do it better. The fans love you guys, and after polling some numbers, we realized people aren’t really buying the tickets to see BV. They are buying tickets to come see Fading to Light. Within the contract we have with both bands, it states that we can make lineup changes to suit the needs of the tour. The tour has decided it wants to swap the lineup and have you guys as the headlining band. We think it’s more lucrative to the tour to have your name at the top, and honestly it is better for the fans because your set time would be extended. You also would receive a larger cut of ticket sales after the North American tour ends.” She finishes, and I’m seriously fucking stunned.
“Are you shitting us?” Aaron says.
“No, I’m not shitting you.” Leni says with a smile pulling at her full lips.
Charlie looks to me with a huge smile, and I love her so freaking much. We would have never made it this far without her and everything she does for us.
“Jameson Collins, shocked into silence. I didn’t think I’d ever see the day.” She teases.
“Come here, Charlotte.” I say holding out my arms to her, and she leans over wrapping her arms around me gripping tightly.
“Thank you so fucking much for everything you do for us. We love you. I love you. Just know how much we appreciate you.” I say, hoping she understands just how much. She is my best friend, yeah, but she has saved my ass so many times in the past few years. Saved our band from hitting rock bottom because of me, and now because of her we are headlining the biggest metal tour in North America, winning out over arguably one of the best metal bands of all time, and it’s insane to me that a little band we started in high school has turned into this.
Before I realize it Chase, Brenden and Aaron pile on top of us, hugging Charlie, showering her with their affection.
“I love you guys too, so much, you don’t even know. You’re suffocating me though, and Aaron, you smell like Cheetos.” Charlie grunts out and pushes against us.
“That’s because Aaron hasn’t showered since we left Kentucky.” Chase quips.
“That’s a fucking lie. Go ask your mother.” Aaron says, and the mental image is enough to make me dry heave. I love Chase’s mom, but I am pretty sure we are all in agreement that the thought of her showering isn’t pleasant.
Pretty soon an all-out smack talk throw down and wrestling ensues, per the usual with us, and Charlie socks Brenden in the nuts with her giant wedding ring, causing him to squeal like a girl and fall to the bus floor, clutching his naughty nuggets.
A sharp whistle breaks through the chaos. “Boys and girls,” Leni says giving Charlie a pointed look that’s fully of humor, and she blushes looking a little bit ashamed, “Are you finished?”
Charlie clears her throat. “Yeah, umm… ok, guys. Good talk.”
Leni laughs softly, and I swear to God it’s a magical sound. Light and sweet and I swear my dick stirs at the sound. What in the hell?
“Ok, well I’m so glad to give you the good news. You will begin headlining as the final act tonight. You’ll need to add to your set list to accommodate the additional time allotment. I’m sorry for such short notice on this, but Charlie, I’ll be in touch with the updated set times when my boss makes the arrangements. He will be speaking with Bleeding Vengeance this morning, as well. So please keep this under wraps until I give Charlie the go ahead. No social media updates regarding the change or anything like that.” She says, my attraction growing at her strict business like demeanor. That hasn’t happened in a long fucking time.
Leni:
According to Gordon, the guys from Bleeding Vengeance did not take the news well this morning. Well, Gordon’s face didn’t take the news too well either when the lead singer, Cash Noland, punched him in the face. Twice. Poor guy. Who does that? Well that’s a stupid question. Cash Noland, that’s who. Those guys, especially Cash and their manager, Warren Pearce give me the creeps. Not only are they extremely rude ninety-nine-point nine percent of the time, but they treat everyone around them like pond scum. And don’t even get me started on how they are with women, or the fact that most women allow it to happen and act as if they’ve been touched by the hands of God himself. Unfortunately, there isn’t any other band to fill that spot right now, so Gordon just had to let it go or it would be revenue lost.
I’m just really glad that Gordon sent me to deliver the good news to FTL, instead of the bad news for once. This morning when Jay stepped on that bus with his damp hair, thick rimmed glasses, and his simple worn, gray t-shirt that hugged him like a second skin, I swear it look everything in me not to gawk and drool over him like a love-struck fan girl. I’ll admit that I’ve slept in that t-shirt of his every night since he gave it to me, just so I could smell him. Weird… I know.
Then, when he took little Fallon into his arms with such ease and tenderness, my heart became a puddle of mush. On top of that, the way he pulled Charlie in and told her how much he loved and appreciated her, made me see Jay in a whole new light. This isn’t the cocky front man I’d come expect while working with musicians of this caliber; he’s real and he cares deeply for his friends and family. It’s sad that I was shocked to find that he’s actually a nice guy. OK, I realize I’m sounding swoony now, but damn… I get why women love him.
Tonight, I finally got to see Fading to Light perform a full set, and now I understand what the hype is about. They really are extremely talented. The lyrics, the crazy guitars, badass, heavy beats, the breakdowns, the vocals…it’s an experience that people could get addicted to. Heck, I think I am.
Now I sit here, alone, in a lawn chair beside my bus after showering as I watch the lights and the crews begin to deconstruct after today’s shows. My driver is getting some rest while he can, since he’ll be driving all night and into the morning. Voltage, the record company I work for, i
s providing me with a bus all to myself so I can work on the road in order to be close to the bands if they need anything. The solitude is both a blessing and a curse for me. I crave my own space; a place to decompress after a long and loud day, but it can be too quiet.
In this moment, I realize how alone I really am; how alone I have always been. I thought I had a family, and a chance at a different kind of life. Now I realize I just wanted to belong to something, belong to someone so badly, I jumped headfirst into marriage when I knew nothing about what real, solid relationships take to work. I was young, in love and extremely naïve to think that what Sam and I had was the kind of love that would last not only through hard times, but a lifetime. I mistook the childish affection and infatuation for something solid and meaningful. How wrong I was…
I’ve done that my whole life though, for as long as I can remember. I would dive into situations with little regard to my own self and what I truly wanted as long as it meant fitting in, belonging. So, when Sam and my divorce finalized, I made a promise to myself that I'd never stay anywhere I wasn't very much wanted. I bare too many scars, physically and mentally to be breaking my bones to fit into places that weren't made to fit me. With this promise to myself, I haven’t become hardened or heartless. I have become smarter. My happiness just won’t depend on someone else… not anymore.
I hear the crunch of gravel underfoot as someone approaches. Immediately on guard, I sit up, ready to bolt if necessary, but when I look up I see a tall, lean figure moving towards me with a black hoodie drawn over his head. I’d know that walk anywhere. Jay. Over the past few days, I have found my mind wandering to everything, Jay. His smile, his deep, raspy voice, tattoos, his hair, his green eyes. I can’t help it. It’s not even like I want to think about him. In all honesty, I’d give just about anything to think about anyone else; to forget the way my stomach flip flops every time our eyes meet. I know better than getting involved with anyone right now; let alone someone who’s probably not looking to settle down anytime soon.
He pulls the hoodie off over his head, revealing his slightly long hair swept back in a man bun. Seriously? I never, ever thought I’d be attracted to a guy with longer hair, but there is just something about him that gets to me. It’s like he has this rough exterior, but you can tell there’s nothing but good underneath. Despite the good though, for me, he is still a bad decision wrapped in a pretty package.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, realizing it came out a bit harsher than I expected.
“I’m sorry. I can go if-”
I cut him off, “No, I’m sorry. That didn’t quite come out the way I intended. If you want, there’s another chair in that under compartment, and there’s beer in the fridge.” I say jerking my head in the direction of the door.
“Nah, I’m good. I don’t really drink much anymore. I’ll just grab a seat, if that’s ok.” He says, kind of like he’s not sure what he’s doing here.
“That’s why I offered.” I smile.
“Right.” He says, unfolding the chair next to mine.
“So what brings you to my neck of the woods?” I instantly cringe at how dumb that sounded.
He smiles in return, “The guys are playing video games, and are super loud and I just needed some quiet. I usually go to Charlie and Andrew’s bus to play with Fallon or talk, but it’s late. Fallon is already asleep, and I’m sure that Charlie and Andrew are having grown up time.” He laughs, waggling his eyebrows.
“Yeah, I bet it’s tough to get alone time with a toddler running around.”
“You’d be surprised. They are resourceful. We’ve caught them in some compromising… umm… positions.” He shudders, chuckling to himself.
I laugh. “Well, I guess whatever it takes to keep the romance alive. They are so in love it’s pretty plain for anyone to see, and I’ve only been around them for a few days give or take. I’d die to have a love like that, just once.” I say, not realizing my mouth has a mind of its own. I pinch my lips together and glance over at Jay, and he’s staring across the parking lot with a faraway look on his face. I’m not entirely certain he even heard me.
“Sorry. That’s a bit heavy for our first real conversation. I have a tendency these days to let my thoughts run wild and just fall out at inopportune times.” I admit.
He looks at me a beat before he says, “It’s better than holding everything in, like I tend to do.”
His honesty catches me off guard, and the only thing I can do is nod my agreement. A long moment passes before either of us says anything. We let the beeping of backup sensors and the sound of crashing metal and power tools act as our soundtrack for the evening.
“I suppose that’s why I like music; writing it, playing it. It’s everything I feel, but can’t say in any other way. It is all of my emotions and thoughts channeled into something worthwhile. Something that may help someone, something for them to hold onto when they may not have anything else left.” Jay says, picking some non-existent lint from his jeans.
I’m not sure why, but when he’s speaking, I get the impression that he’s referring to himself having nothing left to hold on to, and not someone else. I wonder what his story is, but it’s none of my business to ask, because heaven knows I wouldn’t want someone digging into my closet full of skeletons. I understand exactly what he’s talking about, though. Music was my lifeline, the only thing I could hold onto for so long to keep myself from drowning. It still is.
“I felt like that for a long time, too. Still do some days.” I say, not offering any further explanation, and I’m glad he doesn’t seem to need it.
“Yeah. I feel like the past few years I’ve been beyond blessed, and then on the flipside, they have been the absolute worst in my life. I’m trying so hard to move on… to make up for the mistakes I’ve made, but I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to fix everything that’s broken. I don’t even know how to start…” he says, his hands reaching back to clasp behind his neck, causing his arms to flex. His t-shirt rides up, giving me another delicious look at those abs.
My eyes fall and linger on a tattoo that is a string of words that form a heart shape on the inside on his arm with a name in the center. Abigail. He catches where my eyes were resting and lowers his arms quickly. I take that as a sign it’s not a topic that’s open for discussion, and that’s ok. I have plenty of things I refuse to talk about, things my ex-husband never even knew, so I get it.
“I don’t think there’s ever a right time or a right way to start making changes in your life. You just need to start now, where you are. Start by addressing your fears, your pain, and your mistakes. It’s not easy, the right choices never are, but you just start, and you don’t stop. Start where you are today with who you are today and you do your best to fight through it. Just… start.” I say and he looks at me for a long minute, almost like he’s searching, but for what? I don’t know, but I just look back and find someone completely different than I expected. I see someone who is vulnerable and maybe just as alone as I am.
He stands suddenly, and begins to fold the chair back up. “Well, it’s getting kind of late. I’m going to head back.” He says, his voice tight.
I stand with him realizing he’s right and we will be hitting the road soon. “Yeah. Well I suppose I might see you tomorrow.” I say.
“I’m counting on it.” He smiles, his tone a bit softer than a moment ago, some of the heaviness seems to have lifted, bringing back a lighter side of him.
“Thank you.”
“For?” I ask.
“For not asking questions, or pushing...Just listening. Sometimes I need that.” he says before pulling me into an unexpected hug, and I melt into him. He smells like soap and dryer sheets, and I let myself wonder for the briefest second what it would be like to belong to someone again.
“See you later.” He says releasing me, before planting a light kiss to my cheek and striding away. I don’t even get the chance to respond. I’m just left with a racing heart and the whisper of a kis
s.
Chapter 3
Jay:
The whole walk back to our bus, I dared not breathe because I was afraid; afraid that I would forget what she smelled like, forget what she felt like in my arms, what her cheek felt like against my lips. Those few seconds that I held Leni against me were the closest to feeling whole I have in a long damn time. I haven’t let myself feel, and it scares the hell out me because that is all she makes me want to do. I like her; she reminds me of Charlie in a way. She’s easy to talk to, and I can tell she has a good sense of humor, but she is so damn guarded. It’s good, because there is no tit for tat expectations since she isn’t forthcoming with information about herself in the conversations we’ve had, but neither am I. Her walls are built as high and thick as mine, and if we are comparing, I’m pretty sure that mine will be the ones to crumble first.
Laying here in bed, I can’t get what she said tonight, out of my head. She’s right, I can’t make excuses. I have to start. It may take me forever to move on from the mistakes I have made, and I may never get over the loss of Abby, but if I’m going to live at all, I need to try. What I’m doing now isn’t living; it’s merely existing. Thinking about Leni, I realize she won’t break me in the way that other girls might. She could actually make me happy, I know it. That is exactly why I am so terrified of her, of us and letting myself get close to her. Being happy is the most terrifying thing to me, because I know better than anyone that once I am it can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I don’t know if I can make it through that again, not without dying this time around.