by Sarah Cole
“I want you to go on tour with us. I know you had that summer job lined up, but I figured since college was over and done and you have time, you’d want to go on a little adventure. Charlie is so freakin’ pumped.” I laugh, but I see the conflict in her eyes.
“What is it, Abby? I know it wasn’t your plan, but jeeze…”
“What Jay? Jeeze what?”
“Nothing... never mind.”
“That’s actually what I wanted to tell you. Charlie and I got accepted to the law school we wanted to attend; our top choice. We plan on making the move up to Chicago within the next month or two to get settled before school actually starts in the fall. We have some job interviews lined up. So, I doubt Charlie will be on tour. You’ll probably have to start pulling some double duty on singing and screaming and play more lead guitar or whatever.”
“Jesus, if Charlie wants to leave the band to go along with this stupid plan, then at least let Charlie tell us herself, Abby. You dictate everything… all the time. If it doesn’t fall in line with the great Abigail Mason’s timeline, then piss on it!” I’m pissed. I know she wanted this for a long time, and I’m happy for her, but Charlie just goes along with it and I know she’ll be torn, but it’s a decision Charlie needs to make, not Abby.
“Jay, I’m sorry if I want something more than this stupid college town and hanging out backstage while I watch a bunch of fan girls scream over you guys! I want to be something more than a touring side show.”
“Ouch, Abs. You really know how to kick a guy. Learning from his girlfriend, that his best friend is quitting their band that is finally getting a big break. Now, that’s not even good enough.” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry. That all came out wrong and I didn’t mean it. We’ll come up with a solution. We always do. Even if it means putting our relationship on the back burner for a while. What’s a while when you have forever, right?” she asks, her arms circling my neck and pulling my head down to hers.
“You’re right. We’ll figure it out. We’ve got time.” I lean in and kiss her full lips softly.
***
I hear the door open, jarring me from my memory, and I don’t even have to look behind me to know who is there, just like she always is. Charlie. I wipe my eyes and face quickly, having felt the warmth of the tears on my cheeks.
“Jameson, talk to me.” she says, coming around to sit at my side before wrapping her little arms around me.
“Charlotte…” I mock her use of my full name. “We’ve been over this. Repeatedly. Anything new I can tell you wouldn’t do either of us any good to rehash it, so I don’t really know what you want me to talk about.”
She sighs, “Ok, you keep saying that, but obviously, there’s something that is eating at you. I’m not going to push you Jay, but I’m going to give you a piece of advice.”
“And what’s that?”
“You love Abby, and that’s ok. You probably always will, I know I will. It’s ok to miss her. But Jay, just because you still love her, it doesn’t mean that you are incapable of loving someone else more, of being in love again. Do yourself a favor and don’t push Leni away.”
“I’m not pushing her away, Charlie. I just don’t really know that it’s fair to her when I am still so caught up in the past. How is it even possible to have a real relationship like that?” I lean forward putting my face in my hands as she rubs circles on my back. She really, truly is the closest thing to a sibling I’ve ever had besides for the guys, and I can say without a doubt that I’d be dead today without her by my side.
“I don’t know how you have a relationship like that to be honest because I have never loved anyone the way I love Andrew. However, I do know firsthand, that secrets and hiding the past from someone you care about can ruin everything, so I guess if I could say anything it’d be just be upfront and honest. Tell her about Abby, tell her how you feel and just be yourself. If she doesn’t understand that then she’s not the girl I think she is and she doesn’t deserve you.”
Be honest. Yeah, if she only knew. Being honest would only bring more pain in this situation. It would only bring my demons into the light, make Leni run for the hills, and dig up pain for Charlie that she has finally learned to deal with.
“I’ll be as honest as I can.” I say truthfully.
“That’s all anyone can ask for.” She says, just as the door opens and everyone begins filing out the door.
“Hey baby, its way past our girl’s bedtime.” Andrew says cradling a droopy eyed Fallon in his arms.
“Yeah, I’m exhausted too. This little fetus is zapping the energy out of me.” she says patting her stomach lovingly as she stands.
“We’re going to go see a movie. You in bro? We have a car coming.” Aaron says.
“Nah, I have an early morning, so I’m going to head back now.” I say. Since we are here for more than a few days we are crashing in a hotel tonight.
“Do you guys mind if I catch a ride back with you? I have some work to do.” Leni asks.
“Of course, you don’t even need to ask.” I say, wrapping my arm around her, pulling her in to my side. It feels so right the fact that she fits so perfectly.
Leni:
The ride back to the hotel is extremely quiet. I’m not sure if it is because Fallon is asleep in her car seat, or if it is the awkwardness from the restaurant settling over us like an iron curtain. In the near deafening silence, Jay’s hand finds mine in the dark, and I know I should pull away. I don’t want to feel the things I’m starting to feel, because feeling them means letting your guard down-letting yourself be vulnerable to another person. And as much as I want to think I have myself sorted out, I’m hesitant about pretty much anything and everything that could be emotionally charged; especially with someone like Jay who is still hurting in the worst of ways. But despite all of that, the way his fingers gently lace through mine comforts me and makes me long for things I shouldn’t expect.
As we get out of the van and make our way to the front entrance, Jay’s hand is still firmly gripping mine. He hasn’t let go once. It’s almost as if he feels like if he lets it go, it will be lost forever.
He leans over and whispers in my ear, “Can we talk?”
I nod my answer, and he continues to guide me along behind Charlie and her family, one hand gripping mine and the other at my back.
“Goodnight guys!” Charlie says quietly before she gives us both a warm hug.
“Len, just text me in the morning when you want to go over those images and the venue schedules.”
“Will do girl. I’ll put a packet together and print it out.” I say.
“You’re the best! If you ever need a job, I definitely need an assistant.” She laughs.
“Good to know. See you tomorrow! Sleep tight.” I give her a smile and a small wave, wiggling my fingers.
“You too.” She says following Andrew into the elevator.
Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, Jay leads me to a separate set of elevators.
“My room or yours?” he asks.
“Honestly it doesn’t matter.”
He presses the button for the top floor, and resumes his position at my side, fidgeting nervously.
“Are you alright?” I ask, concerned.
He looks everywhere, but my eyes when he replies.
“Yeah, I just have to get some things off my chest and, shit-” he curses, running his long, tattooed fingers through his hair before covering his eyes.
I reach up and gently pull at his arms, dipping my head to get him to look me in the eye.
“Hey.” I soothe. “Listen, Jay...”
The elevator comes to an abrupt stop as the doors slide open with a gentle whoosh. Jay steps out of the elevator and offers his hand that I accept without hesitation before he leads me to the end of the long carpeted hallway. I can see the conflict he’s struggling with painted all over him like those tattoos he wears so well. I just need him to know that I, of all people, don’t expect anything from him. I�
�d be happy just to have a friend, but the disappointment still settles heavily in the bottom of my stomach because I know without a doubt this man could be my happily ever after.
He slides the key card in the door and holds it open for me, and I enter, taking in the space around me. It’s a fairly large suite with furnishings much like my room downstairs. Ultra-modern leather and metal furniture anchors the room, along with a large king sized bed flanked with two chic tables. Everything is done in varying shades of gray and black with pops of white.
“Would you like something to drink? I’m sorry I don’t have anything with alcohol in here, but I’ve got water, coconut water and diet soda.” He says, looking through the mini fridge under the bar.
“A coconut water would be great.” I say sitting on the couch. It’s pretty to look at, but it seriously feels like sitting on a leather wrapped stack of bricks.
“Yeah, that couch sucks.” He laughs, handing me the plastic container with a straw.
I tap it with my finger and it twirls in place, “Fancy schmancy.”
He shrugs. “Anything for you, my dear.”
He looks down at the floor before sitting down next to me.
“Look Leni, I’m so sorry about earlier. I was out of line, and I usually don’t lose my cool like that. I don’t want you to think I have a temper, and I especially don’t talk to my friends that way.”
“I know that, Jay. And I’m pretty sure Chase forgave you as soon as you said it. Don’t you think I see who you are, that I know you? I mean, granted we’ve only spent a handful of days together, but it’s pretty clear to me that you aren’t some hot-headed asshole.” I say putting my hand on his.
He looks up to meet my eyes. “Here’s the thing… Abby wasn’t just Charlie’s best friend…”
“I know.” I interject.
He stops and gives me a baffled expression; his green eyes searching for an explanation.
“I put everything together, but Charlie confirmed it. Your tattoo, the way you reacted tonight, how guarded you are… you guys were together. She was someone very special to you, and you miss her and you still love her. Jay, I get it. I know what loss feels like. Believe me when I say that. You don’t have to explain it to me, we don’t have to pursue a relationship or anything. I’m perfectly content being your friend.” I lie. While I value his friendship, I know it will be so hard for me to view this as an entirely platonic relationship.
His features tighten a bit, “Are you really ok with us just being friends?”
“I’m not going to lie to you. I like you, I’m attracted to you, and I feel something when we are together. Something I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel again. But if you aren’t looking for a relationship, or you aren’t ready, I’m perfectly content being your friend. I’d rather have a friend than no one at all.” I admit.
“That’s just it Leni, I’m not content just being your friend.” He says, and my heart stutters in my chest. He takes my hands and kisses them individually.
“I am confused as fuck. Honestly you are the first woman that has captured my attention, made me feel this way since Abby…maybe ever. I’m trying so hard to sort it out, and I’m going to be honest with you too.” He stands up to pace.
“I don’t know what we can be, what I can give you. I don’t want to let you down. I know you’ve been through some shit too with your marriage, so I want to take this slow. I don’t want to be unfair to you or hurt you, but God Leni, I want you. So damn bad it hurts.”
He strides back to me and kneels down, taking my face gently in his hands. “You have to understand that to me, you’re like a breath of fresh air, a bright spot, you pull me from the dark when I’m with you. I don’t know if it is anything specific, or everything about you, but you captivate me.”
I have just enough time to suck in a ragged breath before his lips crash into mine.
Chapter 8
Jay:
Of course, I can’t say everything that I’m feeling or need to say. That’s only for me and the hell in my own mind, but I won’t deny the way Lennon Taylor makes me feel. My body aches for her, and I want to replay every smile or laugh of hers on repeat in my head like my favorite movie. I want to know everything there is to know about this woman and then some.
Pouring my heart out to her, or at least what’s left of it, I look into those clear gray eyes, and I see the same things I’m feeling. Desire, adoration, understanding. If I kiss her now, there is no going back, no way of putting the lid back on the box, and I don’t care.
I kiss her, inhaling the scent that is so uniquely Leni. Slightly fruity and floral, but refreshing like a sunny summer day. I stand, bringing her body with me chest to chest before reaching down to lift her up, wrapping her legs around me. The bed is soft against my knees as I lay her down.
“Scoot back, baby.” I say. The words coming out of my mouth before I have a chance to reel them back in, but they fit… they feel right. She feels right to me. She scoots back, her pink hair, fanning out against the white pillow like cotton candy waves; just like my fantasies. Her skin glows softly in the low lamplight.
“You’re so beautiful, Leni.” So beautiful – inside and out.
“So are you.” she whispers against my cheek. Lost in the moment and in us, I take her mouth again discovering every inch, never able to satisfy my thirst as I drink her in. My hands inching down her sides, aching to touch her in the most intimate of ways.
Leni takes matters into her own hands by deepening our kiss and grabbing my ass, grinding herself into my hard length from underneath. Her heavy breathing and sigh ignite a fire within me. She’s the struck match and tossed it to my gasoline, and we are about to go up in flames.
She bites my bottom lip lightly before I pull away to remove my t-shirt and pull her tank top over her head. Her eyes roam hungrily over my body, and hell if I’m not looking at her the same way. Smooth creamy skin and the swell of her full breasts over the top of her strapless, black bra. Having to taste her, to mark her as mine, I lick and suck my away down her body. Tracing her collarbone and the swell of each breast with my tongue. So sweet. My cock pushes painfully against the zipper of my jeans, but I need the discomfort to keep me in check. Otherwise this will be over long before I have had the chance to enjoy every inch of her.
She moans softly and grinds herself eagerly against my chest as I slowly work my way down her body.
I smile against the soft skin of her stomach. “Patience. I’ll get you there baby. Just let me enjoy this.”
She reaches down and palms me through my jeans, and I have to remove her hand and place it back on the bed because I’m too close to embarrassing myself here. If she’s looking for the stamina of a rock star, she’s screwed, because right now the best I’m offering is high school virgin on prom night.
“Nope. If you keep doing that, this will definitely be over before it even begins.”
I make quick work of pulling down her skintight black leggings, exposing a black thong hidden underneath. Kissing my way down her stomach, I nip at her damp center gently through her panties and she nearly convulses off the bed. I place my left hand flat on her stomach holding her down as my other finds her thigh, spreading her wide. As my fingers trail up along the inside of her thigh towards her center, they meet rippled skin and Leni’s body goes completely rigid.
I look down briefly to see rows upon rows of scarred lines on the insides of both of her thighs reaching nearly to her knees. Some thin and silvery, some jagged and a dark pink color. At first, I’m completely thrown off guard at their presence, but then I realize exactly what they mean, what they are from and my heart breaks for her. The way she embraced Kalli earlier, and the complete understanding and compassion she had for the young girl.
My lips find their way to the worst of the scars and kiss them gently, wanting to soothe and erase the years of hurt and abuse that she endured by her own hands.
“Jay…. I…” She croaks and I look up to see wet tears streaming down
her cheeks.
“Shh, baby. You don’t have to explain. Not if you don’t want to. I know what they are, but please just answer me one question.”
“I already know what you are going to ask, and the answer is no. Not anymore.” she replies shakily. Ironically enough, she answered the very question I was going to ask.
“How long since you stopped?”
“A little over a year. Since about the time I filed for divorce.” She says, her hands covering her eyes. “I know they are ugly and disgusting. It started when I was young, and at the time I thought it helped me so much that I just couldn’t bring myself to stop. It was a diversion, a distraction from all the other things I was feeling. I’m sorry. We don’t have to do this.” She cries.
I crawl my way up her body, and pull her into my arms and she clings to me sobbing into my chest. Right now, she just needs me and whatever comfort I can give her. I feel like such a fucking asshole. I’ve been so concerned with myself and my problems for so damn long that it rarely occurs to me that the people around me are dealing with their own shit too. Problems that are so different from my own, but affect their world just the same.
“What are you sorry for, and what do you mean we don’t have to do this?” I ask.
“I’m sorry that you have to look at that, touch that. Gosh, it’s so embarrassing. And I completely understand if you just want to stop all this before it gets too complicated.” She says so quickly that I doubt she had any time to take a breath. She’s rubbing the skin on her left wrist nervously where a large watch usually sits. It’s only now I see the jagged pink scar that runs along the skin there.
“Ok first, you are not disgusting,” I say taking her hand and placing kisses along her wrist. “And I’d lick every inch of you. That’s a fact, and I intend to follow through on that very soon. Second, we are beyond complicated at this point and I’m not sure anything beyond telling me you’re actually a man could stop me from wanting you right now.”
A small laugh escapes her, “Well, I was going to wait to surprise you, but now that you mentioned it…”