Seductive Truths (Seductive Trilogy)

by Becky Cairns

  That couldn’t be who I thought it was could it? No, no, it couldn’t. Then again it did look remarkably like him from what I saw. Oh I don’t know, maybe the shadows were playing tricks with me, but someone was definitely there.

  The continuity of my thoughts is cut short as a deathly clicking noise interrupts. Turning my head to the left I look down to see Gareth preparing the glistening hand gun. I almost forgot he owned such an object. Gazing at it in his hands it seems almost foreign. As if it doesn’t truly belong there. I’m starting to see the gun representing everything Gareth has become, not the man he is.

  His eyes are alert, tuned to the slightest sound. A snapping in the distance, his head jerks in that direction, gun poised ready for action. A couple of men laugh on the corner and Gareth’s head follows. My heart begins to pick up speed at his edginess.

  ‘Gareth,’ I whisper, my hand reaches out to clutch his arm.

  BANG!

  Brick dust particles float in the air millimetres in front of our faces, the bullet embedded in the wall to our side.

  FUCK!

  Can’t breathe.

  Suffocating.

  Heart pulsating.

  Lack of oxygen to the brain is making me feel light headed and I am about to collapse on the spot when a firm hand clamps mine then yanks me forward in a mad dash through the alleys.

  Another shot rings out, missing Gareth’s head by inches. We dart into an empty alley, then into another and another, twisting this way and that.

  Right.

  Left.

  Left.

  Right.

  Continuously entering dark maze after dark maze. A mixture of pungent smells wafts in the air around us, causing me to heave at the strength of the stench. But I have no time to relieve the contents of my stomach as I’m being pulled into yet another disgusting alley.

  As we run, the odd bullet or two rush past, thankfully only finding target with the ground or some other non-living form. But I hear no sound of footsteps giving chase, so where are the bullets coming from? A thought strikes me and I peer up to the rooftops only to stumble.

  Better keep my eyes in front. Not the best time to fall flat on my arse.

  My calves ache, feet hurt, and chest is constricting. Just when I can’t take much more of this torture we come to a dead end, stopping us in our tracks. I sharply turn around expecting our follower to be standing behind us, gun raise to kill, but there’s nothing. No one. Not a single sound except our heavy breathing.

  I close my eyes and tilt my head back, focusing on my rasping lungs. I am barely able to stand. My whole body is quaking in the aftermath of the adrenaline rush. And this is how Gareth lives his life! How can he bear it? I wouldn’t last five minutes!

  ‘You okay?’ he gasps in between breaths.

  I open my eyes to see his silvery blue irises staring down at me, concern shimmering on their perimeter. A bead of sweat trickles down the side of his face, down his neck then soaks into the collar of his shirt. I unconsciously lick my lips, tasting the saltiness of tears and I realise I am silently crying. Everything overwhelming me and it has finally got too much.

  Gareth takes a step towards me bringing his right arm up to wrap around my shoulder and drawing me in to his side. The warmth I find comforts me.

  ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘I think we’d better get out of here.’

  

  Back in his cold, messy apartment, I wade through the upturned furnishings and flop onto the dislodged sofa, the only thing that’s not upside-down. Gazing ahead, I stare at the shredded wall where once hung a plasma screen television, not really taking anything in but my jumbled thoughts, my constant companion these days.

  I’ve just met a real life snout, been dragged through the filthiest back alleys ever, and nearly had my head blown off by the invisible man! Why have I been dumped in this shit? You’ve had your fun God, just send me back please and draw a close to this nightmare. I’m too tired to carry on.

  Sighing I let my head drop into my hands, too heavy for my neck to hold up any longer. I just want to go home. I shiver as the coldness of the room hits my bare skin.

  I can’t believe this is happening to me.

  Something soft and musky is being draped over my shoulders and I embrace the warmth it provides. Tugging it closer I discover it to be Gareth’s unmistakable black coat. Leaning back into the sofa I breathe in his comforting scent. My body relaxes and my mind eases.

  ‘Want a drink? Whiskey?’ his voice rumbles from behind.

  ‘Yes please,’ I whisper.

  Seconds later a cool glass with golden liquid is placed into my hand. Taking a sip, I feel the burning sensation flow down my canal and into my stomach, warming me up from the inside. I turn to my left to see Gareth lower himself onto the floor, back against the sofa. He takes a large sip of his own drink before dropping his head backwards and closing his eyes.

  He looks drained. This life can’t be good for him, anyone really. He must be in his what, late 30s to mid-40s? All the darting around must take its toll. He’s not in his prime and agility is no longer his strong suit. It is only a matter of time before his reactions aren’t as quick. He’s living on borrowed time. Sooner or later he won’t be as lucky as tonight and, God forbid, I am terrified with the idea of never getting the chance, albeit fleeting, to see Gareth’s sparkling eyes again.

  ‘Why do you do it?’ I mumble through the fabric of his coat.

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Risk your life. Knowing one day you may not be so lucky. Why do you do it?’

  Gareth’s head slowly lifts up and when his eyes open and latch onto mine, they are like lasers pinning me in place. ‘I have nothing else to live for, nothing to lose. Why not?’

  And there is the cold hearted truth. He may not welcome death, but neither is he afraid of it. Time ticks on by and he just waves it past. Gareth is a man that will just carry on until his time is up. He sounds like he no longer thinks he has a purpose in life and Gareth needs to be wanted. How can anyone live like that? Just throw caution to the wind because you have no reason to stay safe, no one who’ll miss him. He’s forgotten how fantastic life can be if only given the chance.

  My heart cries out to be the person that shows him, to provide him with a reason to fight for his life. I want to be the reason he comes home each night after regular day’s shifts at work, a reason to love life. But I can never be the reason, just as much as he can never live that life - an ordinary and safe life. My insides clench at the reality of it all. I feel helpless.

  ‘Do you really have such a bleak outlook on your future? Surely there must be something, anything that makes you want to survive.’ I edge closer to the arm of the sofa, closer to him.

  ‘Alex. I have no remaining family. Father and brother are dead. My mother is nothing to me anymore. It’s as if I never had a mother. She is as good as dead to me. I have no girlfriend or wife to look after. No children to take care of. No friends or family of the kind. I have nothing, zilch, nada. If I were to die tomorrow, nobody would miss me.’ I would miss you my heart whispers. I would miss you. ‘So why not Alex? What better way to live your life than by cheating death?’

  I try blinking back the tears threatening to fall but it’s a lost cause. Slowly they trickle down my face, staining my cheeks as they go. How can a man that exudes life be so lifeless? Where has all the determination I saw in his eyes gone? He is not the man I first met. I need to see that fire ignite behind his eyes. I want that force of nature back - the lion, not the cub.

  I’ve got to find a way to make him roar again. I need something to fight against, not fall for.

  ‘Why don’t you get off your arse and do something about it then? Make something of your life! Change it! Stop being so pitiful!’

  ‘Pitiful,’ he spits and looks at me with daggers. There’s the fire and I smile inside. ‘Pitiful.’ He places his glass at his feet then stands to take a step towards me. Now towering above, making me feel small and insignifi
cant, I’m smiling inside no more.

  ‘Don’t you think I have every right to be? Parents. Gone. Brother. Gone. Friends. None. S-son. Gone. The one thing that made my life worth living is gone. It’s gone, Alex!’ Tears begin to leak from his eyes. ‘After all these years, my heart is still being torn apart at the thought. I hear his laughter and want to join in with the fun. Each night I wake to his screaming, but I can’t comfort him. His face. The brown locks, happy smile, the mischievous glint in his sea blue eyes right before he did something naughty. They continuously haunt me. When I’m awake, when I’m asleep. There is no escape. I’ve got a gaping hole in my heart.’ He hits his chest and his voice catches as I watch emotion overwhelm him. ‘I lost him. I…I lost him and it was all my fault. I just want him back. I just want my son back, Alex!’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The dam breaks and every pent up emotion comes flooding out as his last strains of composure collapses and he crumples to the floor with a heavy thump as he lands on his knees. Silent sobs escape from his trembling form, but he does nothing to wipe away the tears. Gareth has given way to the broken man inside. All the heartache built up over the years has finally reached its limit and has found a means of relief. Gareth is now doing the one thing he denied himself all this time. He’s grieving.

  With each teardrop, every hitch in his throat, my heart breaks. I feel helpless as I watch the pain consume him. I have never seen a man cry like this, like he has lost everything. Gareth has lost everything. He’s right, what does he have left to live for? Who is there for him?

  ‘Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here,’ I say as I go to crouch down at his side, my hand coming up to rub his back.

  After a while his breathing begins to calm and the tear tracks stick to his skin as they dry.

  ‘I need a cigarette,’ Gareth says as he abruptly stands, turns his back on me then takes out a cigarette from his trouser pocket and lights it.

  Stumped. When I think I am getting somewhere he pushes me away for a second time. He’s not going to let anyone get close to him again. He’s been hurt too much to risk another bashing.

  ‘I remember the day I saw him for the first time.’ Gareth startles me. ‘He was so bubbly and bright, a bundle of energy with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen, my little Sammy.’

  He’s cold and distant. Where there should be warmth and tenderness in his words there are none. He has clamped up. The only tell-tell sign of the struggle he is going through is in the tenseness of his shoulders. He is so coiled up, one push too far and he’ll spring apart.

  ‘It was the happiest day of my life. I was a dad. For the first time, I had something to live for. I had something that gave my life meaning, but a couple of months down the line it all changed. Everything changed the day my father and brother died.

  ‘I was so scared at the destruction laid at my feet, I disappeared. Ran into hiding without a second thought to the responsibility I left behind. It was a selfish action, one that I will always regret.

  ‘Three years later Sammy fell back into my life. Sarah, the mother of our child and at one time was the love of my life, managed to track me down. How? I will never know, but I’m glad she did, even if the circumstances weren’t the best.

  ‘I opened my door to see a very bedraggled woman, barely able to stand and using the wall for support. It wasn’t until my eyes caught sight of the miniature person, with inquisitive, bright blue eyes staring at me in wonder, clutching hands and standing beside the woman, that I realised it was my Sarah and my little boy.

  ‘Caught up in a sudden whirlwind of emotions, I was about to sweep them up in my arms and jump with joy, but was abruptly halted when I saw the look in her eyes. I knew in that moment I would never see her again. Her eyes were hollow, dead. I never did find out what happened to her in the time I was away.

  ‘Before I could welcome her inside my apartment, she bent down, kissed Sammy on the forehead and whispered, “I love you little one. Take care,” before turning around, looking directly at me with those haunted eyes and said, “Look after him. Guard him with your life,” and then she was gone. A week later she was on the front page of a newspaper. “Woman found dead in Soho alley”. According to reports it was a drugs overdose. I knew she dabbled in drugs in her younger days, but nothing as heavy as that, especially since having Sammy. No one was charged and nothing more was mentioned.

  ‘The first couple of weeks since Sarah’s death were hard. Every night Sammy would wake crying for his mother. I tried to console him. Wrap him up in my arms and soothe him back to sleep, but he’d keep on crying, until eventually exhausted, he fell asleep. However, over time, things started to change for the better. Sammy and I grew closer. I started to notice little quirks about him. When he achieved something momentous, such as tying his shoelaces all by himself, he used to smile and rub his hands together. Whenever he became upset or was angry he’d nibble his lips. These were adorable traits I came to love.

  ‘We settled into a routine, one that I wanted for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be dragged back into the criminal world, always sneaking around, ducking and diving and escaping with my life by the skin of my teeth. No, I didn’t want to have to relive that. I had Sammy to think about now. So I decided to set about looking for a job. Start off small, enough to live off, then gradually work my way up, earning more money.

  ‘Eventually I found a decent job with reasonable pay, but it was simply too good to be true. That same day my world came crashing down around me once again.’ Gareth shuffles his feet from side to side. ‘With a smile splitting my face, I came bounding through the door of my apartment, eager to share my good news with Sammy and the babysitter I hired for the day.

  ‘As soon as I walked through that door a cold chill ran down my spine. Something was not right. Dread clutched my heart squeezing the air out of my lungs as I moved further into my apartment and towards Sammy’s bedroom. The door was ajar and I could smell a heady urine and metallic aroma mix. With a trembling hand, I pushed the door open. To all purposes, everything appeared normal. To an innocent eye, the two forms curled up in Sammy’s bed appeared to be in a sound sleep, but…b-but,’ he chokes. ‘As I moved towards them, I clearly saw the virtually dried, dark stain swamping the once pure whiteness of the pillows. My angelic boy was nothing more than a rotting corpse.

  ‘In each of their foreheads’ was a clear cut bullet wound, aimed to do maximum damage and leave little evidence. There was no sign of a struggle, so I guessed they were shot while asleep; unaware of their approaching fate.

  ‘For ages I just stood there, staring. My heart turned to stone. It wasn’t beating and the only thing I felt was the weight of it sinking to the depths of my stomach. Everything was numb.

  ‘The rest of the evening and the next day was a blur. I remember placing the babysitter somewhere she would be easily discovered within a couple of hours or the next day. I didn’t want anything to connect me to her death, while at the same time, her family needed to know. After that, I rushed back to Sammy, wrapped him in my arms and carried him to the small church down the road. Thankfully the vicar was still there. I knew Tony, the vicar, since I was a small boy. I used to run to him when being at home got too much, which was pretty much all the time. In a way, he became my surrogate father.

  ‘Anyway, service to say, he helped me bury my son. No questions were asked and it was over in a matter of two hours. The grave was dug and Sammy was laid to rest. Tony said a few words, I whispered a prayer and after giving him some money to put towards the church or his own fund, I was gone, like a thief in the night.

  ‘To this day, many questions remain unanswered. Who killed them? Why did they kill them? How did the person get into my apartment undetected? Who? What? Why? When? How? But there’s never been an answer and never will be. I have learnt to live with the pain and start again. I’m always starting again. I picked myself up and closed off my heart. Emotion equals weakness and weakness equals pain and if I wanted to get through the
rest of my life unscratched…

  ‘I built a shield around myself. Nothing could get in and nothing could get out. It was just me against the world. The only reason I did not take my own life was because, I believed it was my punishment to live each day, knowing I left my son open for attack. I ran away from him the first time and then I went and abandoned him again. It’s my fault he lays in an unmarked grave, never to experience the joys life can bring. It’s my fault he will never get a first kiss, the chance to a good education and career. Never get to fall in love and see his blushing bride walk down the aisle. Never get to feel the warm glow that parenthood brings. It’s my fault he will never get the chance to see life through to a ripe old age. It’s my fault, all my fault.’

  His shoulders begin to shake.

  Cautiously I pull myself up and walk towards him. Delicately placing a hand on his shoulder I whisper his name.

  Gareth spins on his heels and I catch sight of his tear stained face as droplets fall from his eyes again. The cigarette held forgotten between his fingers.

  ‘I just want to forget,’ he blubbers.

  Reaching out I unlatch the burning cigarette before it falls to the floor and grind it out under my foot, then without a sound I take hold of his hand and with a reassuring smile, I guide him towards his bedroom.

  This is madness; I shouldn’t even be contemplating this, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do. I will deal with the consequences later.

  Quietly closing the door behind me, I turn to see him standing at the foot of his bed, looking slightly scared, lost even and unsure what to do. It’s time to take charge, Alex. Show him what it is to feel, and with that in mind I effortlessly glide towards him.

  Face to face, I search his eyes for any indication he doesn’t want this, but all I see is vulnerability shining through and a need for me to carry out the promise he sees burning in my black pupils. My hand strokes his cheek affectionately and using the other, I gently coax his head down towards mine.