by Becky Cairns
‘I-I…It was an accident, I didn’t me-mean to. It was an accident, ju-just and ac-accident.’ There is no mistaking the fear in his eyes as he looks from the gun, to the wounded man on the floor, then lastly to me.
This is the first time he has actually harmed a person with his own hands. There is no car or goon this time, it was all him and he is scared shitless and when he locks eyes with mine there is only one word he’s communicating. Help.
‘Not this time William, I won’t. Not anymore.’
With one last longing look he disappears out of the door and out of my life. That will be the last I see of him.
I look down to blood flowing freely out of the increasingly fatigued man, letting nothing get in its way. Panicking I search the room for anything to heed the bleed.
Towels!
I rush towards the bathroom, slipping here and there with my blood coated shoes, but eventually I make it. However, it does not look promising.
‘Is this all there is?’
Hanging on a rail is one medium sized bath sheet and lying by the sink is a blue flannel.
‘Ahhhhhhh!’ Gareth cries from the other room.
‘It will have to do.’
Grabbing both items I then carefully make my way back.
‘This may hurt a bit,’ and I bundle the bath sheet into a ball and place it onto the wound and press slightly to try and avoid him losing any more blood.
‘Ahhhh, Christ!’
‘I’m sorry Gareth, I’m so sorry. We need to get you to the hospital. Where’s your mobile phone?’
‘Tr-trouser pocket, right s-side.’
While using one hand to tenderly keep the towel in place I use the other to retrieve his mobile phone.
‘What shall I say, what’s the address?’ His eyelids begin to flutter. ‘Come on Gareth, stay with me.’ I shake him ever so slightly. ‘What’s the address?’
‘Soho…Chatswell Str-street…aparmen-apartment thr-thr-three B.’
Quickly punching the 999 number in I wait for someone to pick up.
Come on come on.
‘You have reached the emergency services, which department please?’
‘I need an ambulance to Chatswell Street, apartment three B in Soho and quick! A man has been shot and has already lost a lot of blood!’
‘One will be with you right away.’
‘Thank you, thank you,’ and I hang up then shove the phone into my own pocket. ‘You’ll be okay Gareth; an ambulance is on its way. Soon you’ll be safe,’ but peering down at his wound the outlook does not look promising. Already the bath sheet has soaked up far too much blood and his skin is getting paler and paler.
‘This is not working. We need more towels. Just stay there a minute, I’ll be right back,’ and I dash off into the kitchen. ‘There has got to be some tea towels in here somewhere.’
I yank open every door and cupboard, throwing them almost off their hinges in my haste, but with each one I am met with disappointment. Doesn’t this guy wash up? Hold on, this is Gareth I’m talking about, of course he doesn’t!
As I go to open another cupboard I am met with the shock of my life.
Holy shit!
‘This is just great! Bloody great! Just what I need, a ticking time bomb!’ I think we have gone beyond needing towels now.
Jumping to my feet I leg it back to the other room.
‘Gareth, it’s time to go, we’ll meet the ambulance outside.’
‘C-can’t move. Hurts.’
‘I know it hurts but in less than five minutes you won’t be able to feel a thing as we’ll both be dead.’
‘B-both?’ he looks at me with half closed eyes as I go to haul him to a sitting positioning, looping his arm over my shoulder and wrapping mine around the good side of his waist.
‘Yes, both. There’s a bloody bomb planted in your kitchen and if you don’t move we’ll both be blown to smithereens, so could you kindly shift your arse. I’d rather not use my insides to decorate your walls.’
‘B-bomb?’
‘We can discuss particulars later, but right now we need to get the hell out of here. Now on three. - one, two, three and up.’
‘Ahhhh!’
‘That’s it, good. Now shift as fast as you can to the lift.’
Step by agonising step we gradually get faster and faster and closer to our exit, which is easier said than done when I am almost dragging double, probably closer to triple my body weight.
‘I’m s-sorry,’ Gareth struggles to say. ‘A-about ev-ev-everything. All m-my fau-fault.’
‘Yes it is, but instead of apologising, I’d rather you save your energy in trying to breathe and move. A couple more steps and we’re at the door.’
Reaching our destination I yank it open with difficulty then drag him through. Thankfully the lift is only a few steps away.
While waiting for the doors to open I try refraining from looking back, but as the seconds tick by it becomes harder and harder not to.
Come on, come on, come on!
‘Al-Alex, I-I can’t ke-ke-ke…’ Gareth slurs as the loss of blood begins to take effect then his hand loses grip and he finally enters unconsciousness. I stumble with the effort to keep him upright.
Ding!
Finally!
The doors open and I practically fall into the lift with Gareth landing on top of me. Instantly I feel his blood begin to soak into my top. The warm liquid sticks to my skin.
This isn’t happening to me! How the hell did I get myself into such a mess? I just want my old life back; I just want my old life back…
Heavy breathing and with a dead weight lying on top of me, I crane my head to see if we are in. I can breathe a sigh of relief and as the doors begin to shut I feel safe.
KABOOM!
‘Shit!’ and I duck my head, shielding Gareth as I go.
In a flash, his apartment explodes into a massive fiery furnace, flinging debris in our direction, a few splinters of wood manages to sneak between the lift doors before they fully close. The lift rattles as it makes its descend and the air becomes stifled as heat starts to invade the enclosed space.
We’re not going to make it; we’re not going to make it. We are going to die! And in a lift of all places!
However, we soon come to a stop and the doors open again.
‘Okay Gareth, stay with me. Not long now.’
Crouching down, I hook an arm under each armpit of his and with what remaining strength I have left, I huff and puff our way out onto the street.
Every muscle in my back is being stretched to their limit with every step, with every tug, but I must get Gareth to safety. I grit my teeth and soak up the pain. Soon I can relax. Soon.
I cringe at the sound of his shoes scraping along the concrete ground.
I’m almost dragging a dead body!
If it weren’t for the shallow rise and fall of his chest, I’d believe him to be dead.
Gazing over my shoulder I see a trail of blood dotted from the lifts to where I currently stand. The towel was discarded in the lift. There was no way I would have been able to hold the towel in place and drag him out of the building and into the street. Unfortunately this meant a more rapid loss of blood.
I pick up my pace as I look down and find I am standing in a small puddle of his blood.
Oh no. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Please don’t die on me, please don’t die on me.
Eventually we make it out onto the street; one lamp is flickering making it harder to see and causes my eyes to strain. There are a few people further up the road, but they look so out of it, it is pointless asking them for any help. Looking the other way fares no better. All I see are overflowing dustbins, empty cardboard boxes soaking up the sewage water and a black cat disappearing around a corner.
My hearts thumps erratically as the adrenaline rushes throughout every inch of my body, but even that stops keeping me afloat. Weak and breathless I collapse against the brick wall, Gareth slips slightly.
Re
adjusting myself, I cradle him against my body, trying to warm him up as much as I can. Peering down I see the horrendous bullet entry and still the blood flows. Linking a hand with his, I move to cover the wound to avoid it becoming infected but to also try and ease the bleed.
‘Come on Gareth, you’ve got to make it, we are nearly there, Gareth, just hold on. Please, hold on. It’ll be alright, you’ll see,’ talking to myself and to Gareth if he can hear me at all, is in some way providing me comfort. ‘You’ll be up on your feet and back to your old ways sooner than you know it. Just stay with me, stay strong. Not long now Gareth. Not long…’ I taper off as the emotion gets the better of me.
I close my eyes and tears leak, sliding down my cheek then away, mixing in with Gareth’s blood stained shirt.
I won’t be able to survive without you Gareth. In some twisted fate I feel as if I belong with you, by your side. Over these past days you have come to mean more to me than anything else. I don’t know how it has happened but it has and no matter how many times I try and fight it, it is no good. What I feel won’t be denied by anyone, least of all myself. So please, don’t die on me you great, big lummox, not when I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for. I don’t know where I’d go, what I’d do if you did. I wouldn’t be able to just get back to the life I had, not now, not ever.
Just when the ambulance rounds the corner the body of the impressive beast grows limp until nothing but my own heart drums its beat. A void enters my soul and I let out a scream, shattering the world around me. The man that I’ve grown to love ceases to exist.
Chapter Twenty-Six
By right he should have died. The amount of blood he lost was unbelievable. I have never seen so much blood spill so freely from one person. I swear his heart stopped beating for Christ’s sake! He can’t be human. He defies every law of nature!
But here I am sitting in the waiting room of accident and emergency, while he’s being prodded, poked and pumped in the operation theatre and in the hands of professionals.
I can’t stand this feeling of not knowing. How can fear turn to love for one man and from love to fear for another? My life has been turned upside down and I have no idea where it is heading. I used to know, had it all planned out and everything, but now. Now I’ve lost control of who I am, of where I belong. All I know is that the man I have come to care for with every fibre of my being is currently laying in an operating theatre fighting for his life.
Hold on a sec…
For the first time since being with Gareth I am free to run away, back to my family, back to Maggie and Bethany, but I don’t. Instead I am sitting here, in a hospital waiting and praying to see Gareth’s face once again. To see his luminous eyes sparkle with life and smiling my way. To hear him whisper my name and promise never to leave my side. To feel his warm, tender touch as we interlock fingers. I want all this and more. I want…
‘Excuse me Miss.’
Oh bloody hell! I wish they wouldn’t creep up on you like that. I’ve had enough shocks to last me a life time!
I look up from the floor to see a brunette haired nurse standing in front of me with a gentle smile lightening up her otherwise plain face. ‘Were you the lady who came in with the gentleman with a gunshot wound?’
Oh shit, he’s dead isn’t he? I knew it!
‘He didn’t make it did he? Oh Christ no, I knew he wouldn’t.’ I panic, leaping from my seat and startling the poor woman in the process. ‘Someone who loses that amount of blood has no chance of surviving. I knew it was too good to be true, I knew…’
A gentle touch on my shoulder stops me mid rant and I peer backwards at the smiling nurse, tears filling my eyes.
‘It’s okay,’ she says. ‘He’s in safe hands and very much alive.’
‘Oh thank God for that,’ I sigh, collapsing back onto the chair. ‘I thought I’d lost him for good.’
‘It was touch and go for a while but they were able to stem the bleed. The doctor will come along shortly and tell you more. I actually came to enquire as to the identity of the man and find out his next of kin.’
‘Oh, right, okay. His, his name is Gareth. Gareth…Brown. I am his only next of kin. He has no one else.’ He has no one else!
‘And you are?’
‘Alex Brown. His wife.’ She looks down at my non-existent wedding ring. Think Alex, think! ‘I take it off when baking. Forgot to put it back on.’
‘Right, well, your husband should be out of surgery shortly. In the meantime maybe I should take a look at you.’
‘What do you mean?’
The nurse looks pointedly at the blood stain on my top.
‘Oh no I’m fine, this isn’t my blood. It’s his.’
A clattering noise disrupts my attention and an unconscious Gareth comes crashing through the doors along with a couple of nurses and a doctor.
‘Oh Gareth,’ I say rushing to his side, getting in the way of the moving bed and staff members. ‘Is he alright? Will he be okay?’ My eyes alternatively dart between the doctor, Gareth and to the wires and tubes that are covering him from head to toe.
‘And you are?’
‘Alex, Alex Brown,’ I say distractedly. ‘I’m his wife.’
‘If you’d just like to step this way for a minute…’
‘But I need to see Gareth…’
‘All in good time Mrs Brown.’ He guides to me to a chair. ‘The nurses are just getting him settled. I’m Doctor Camille by the way.’
‘Err, yes, thank you doctor. And how, I mean the operation…’
‘The operation was a success as far as I can see, but the next few hours will be crucial and we will be monitoring him closely. Luckily, the bullet went clean through. He’s lost a great deal of blood, however, his recovery looks promising. We should know more in the next few hours. He’s one lucky guy. A few millimetres over and the ambulance wouldn’t have made it in time.’
I nearly lost him is all that runs through my head. Only a few more millimetres and he’d have…I can’t bear thinking of what may have been. He’s safe and on the road to recovery. Just stick with that thought, Alex.
‘Erm, the police are on their way.’ Oh fuck! That’s all I need! What in God’s name am I going to say to them? ‘With it being a gunshot wound I’m afraid we have to report it. It’s part of procedure.’
‘Of course, I understand. Can I go and see him now?’ I am already eagerly rising from my seat.
‘Yes, yes, of course, but he’s going to be unconscious for a while yet,’ he explains while trying to keep pace. ‘He’s currently in a coma and we are keeping him under anaesthetic for the time being to allow his body chance to heal.’ He smiles before turning to a passing nurse. ‘Nurse Harding, can you kindly take this woman to see Mr Brown?’
‘Yes Sir.’
With a nod he disappears and I am left to follow the nurse to a room down the corridor.
I hate the smells of hospitals, nothing but disinfectant, citrus, vomit and death. It repulses me.
Reaching the double doors I stop dead.
I can’t do this; I can’t see him like that!
‘Are you okay Mrs Brown?’ Nurse Harding pauses in opening the door, frown in place.
‘I can’t do it,’ my eyes are wide gazing to a random spot ahead. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘It’ll be okay, Alex. I know it’s a shock at first, but your husband needs you. Once you see him all will be fine, you’ll see.’
‘I can’t…’ but as the words fall from my lips I find myself being gently coaxed to his bedside by the nurse’s soft words and comforting presence.
Face pale, unconscious and covered in all sorts of wiring and tubing I still find him to be as handsome as the first day I met him, though with slightly softer features. My heart aches to see him like this. So battered and broken.
‘Here we are. You better take the chair beside him; you are looking a bit pale yourself.’
‘I’m fine. Just worried.
‘If you’re sure…
’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay. We advise people to talk. We encourage it. It may appear he is unresponsive but that doesn’t mean he can’t hear you. He needs to know you are here. I will come by later to check on him,’ and with a smile she turns and leaves.
Numbly I make my way to his bedside. My heartbeat increases as the gap draws shorter and eventually I find myself resting on the edge of the chair tenderly cradling his lifeless hand.
‘Thank God you’re alive, Gareth,’ I whisper as tears of relief slowly slide down my cold cheeks. ‘Don’t know what I would’ve done if you…I can’t bear thinking of life without you in it. Look what you’ve done to me! I’m a blubbering disaster!’ I chuckle weakly. ‘Don’t ever scare me like that again. Do you hear me Gareth, not ever. I don’t think my heart could bear it.’
Closing my eyes I rest my forehead on his cool skin.
‘What a mess. It seems my life has been one big lie.’ I gaze up to his face. ‘What have you dragged me into Gareth? What has my life become? What have I become for that matter? I no longer want the white picket fence, the security of a husband with a well-established job, nor the day to day activities of food shopping, work, nights in front of the TV with my loved one or nights out socialising with my friends. None of that matters anymore, not to the same extent it used to. All I want is you. It’s mad, I know, but it’s the truth.
‘I shouldn’t want you. I should run for the hills, get as far away as I can while I can, but…instead I am doing the opposite. Why is this? Why am I going against everything I know, everything that I would usually do? You’re dangerous, unpredictable and unsafe. You are no good to me, you are a damaged man and yet I still want you. Desperately.
‘I have this uncontrollable urge to fix you, to help you heal your past so you are able to look forward to the future instead of living each day as they come, always playing the game of life or death. I don’t want to wake up one day to find you the headline of a newspaper with your body splattered across the front page. I don’t want to have a life without you. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? You better be hearing every word because I won’t be admitting this again. It’s hard enough the first time.’