by Becky Cairns
The chiming of the clock striking midnight startles me out of my daydream and I drop the jacket back onto the armchair.
Shower and fresh clothes then back to Gareth.
Walking through the door to the bedroom I…
‘Oh Jesus Christ!’ I start and almost jump a foot in the air; heart rapidly pounding against my ribcage and the palm of my hand comes to rest on the throbbing pulse.
‘We need to talk.’
Chapter Twenty-Seven
‘We need to talk.’
After regaining my breath, I reply, ‘Well that’s an understatement,’ before chucking the jacket I’m wearing onto a chair by the bed.
Even with all that’s happened I find myself surprisingly relaxed in his company. Though there is that unsettling feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach, I am comfortable, it is William after all, the man I was going to marry.
I strip off the soiled clothing so I’m left with only my underwear, grab a clean pair of trousers and a top from my drawer and then brush past William and into the bathroom. The slight touch leaves a tingle on my bare skin. He still manages to affect me!
‘Where are you going?’
‘To take a shower,’ I say locking the door behind me.
Somehow I can’t bear the thought of William seeing me naked, though he’s seen me in such a state a thousand times before. But things have changed. I have changed. Besides, my body belongs to someone else now.
‘Alex!’ I hear him shout. ‘I need to talk to you.’
‘And I need a shower,’ and with these words I turn it on.
‘Come on Alex! Can’t we…’ but the rest is drowned out by the water rushing over my ears as I step into the warmth.
The feeling of it gliding over every bit of my body is very liberating. As I close my eyes and let the water work its magic on my skin, I’m no longer lethargic but revitalised and full of energy, ready for the energetic conversation that is soon to take place.
A small smile creeps to the corners of my mouth when I hear his muffle cries of impatience.
The crimson blood flows like a river down my legs to swirl into the plughole. I try covering up the pungent smell with my coconut shower gel, but it is no use. The metallic odour still lingers in my nasal passage. It doesn’t matter how many times I scrub at my skin I still see the red stain, it’s imprinted on my brain. I can’t get the image of Gareth lying lifeless, propped up against my chest, out of my mind. There is no escape, there never will be!
For those split seconds I thought he’d gone. Through my blurred vision I watched the light fade from his eyes, his chest to rise and fall no more. The hand tenderly clutching his side fell limp to the dingy pavement. Every facial expression, every moment spent with him, be it brief, flashed through my mind. I imagined all those times we could have had. The laughs shared, tears leaked and the passionate embraces. Each microsecond would have been treasured.
In those seconds my heart stopped beating as well and my world came crashing down around me. It felt like a chapter of my life was brought to an abrupt end before it was given the chance to start. And this is what I am finding so confusing.
How can I feel so strongly for someone I hardly know, for someone who took me by force? It’s not possible, not logical. But then again, nothing ever is as simple as black and white, least of all emotions. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand them.
And then there’s William. My heart still calls for him. It hurts to want him, but I can’t deny the feelings swarming my insides. I still get lost in his eyes and everything comes flooding back, but I will not give in to these sensations, not this time, not after everything he has done. It would eventually destroy whatever remained between us. It’s time to say goodbye to him and all we had, no going back.
Turning off the shower a chill rolls over my body. I immediately wrap myself in a fluffy towel hanging on the rail.
I feel much better.
Peering into the mirror I see bright eyes, rosy cheeks and soft features staring back at me. I look fresh. Gazing at myself you wouldn’t have thought I’ve been dragged through hell and back.
‘Alex!’
I jump. Bloody man.
Quickly I rub my body down, moisturise and throw on my clothes. Hmmm, much better and turn to walk out the bathroom and face my fiancé.
‘You took your time,’ William grumbles from his position on the edge of our bed, legs spread apart, casual. Our bed? Sounds unnatural to say that now.
‘Yeah, well, all the lies and deceit can leave you feeling a little dirty with a bad taste in your mouth,’ I snap while reaching for a cosy, blue, woollen jumper from my drawer.
‘Oh don’t do this Alex. You know I’m not like that…’
Turning around I snap, ‘Actually I don’t, not anymore. Come to think of it I don’t know you at all. I thought I did, but now…now you are nothing more than a stranger to me.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Why? It’s the truth isn’t it?’
‘It was to protect you…’
‘You killed my brother to protect me? Well that sounds rational,’ I yank a bag down from the top of the cupboard and start to collect my things.
‘That wasn’t meant to have happened. Thomas got in the way. It was an accident and I’m sorry.’
‘It’s a bit late for that. Sorry won’t bring him back,’ I chock on the sobs. ‘And you could have stopped your car from ploughing into him, you just decided not to. With Thomas gone, you were safe.’
‘Safe? What do you me…?’
Dropping what I’m doing, I spin on the spot and storm to where William stands.
‘How about your second life? You know the one with secret meetings, packet exchanges, and guns! Or did you think I’d forget about that? That’s why you killed him wasn’t it? My brother uncovered it all so you had to bump him off! You couldn’t risk your precious Alex finding out, could you?’
‘Alex…’ he reaches for me.
‘Don’t touch me, don’t even think about it.’
The affection disperses in his eyes and turns cold. His dark side shines through. Lips form an unattractive line and I see his jaw grinding. He is barely holding onto his fury.
‘He shouldn’t have put his nose in where it didn’t belong. If he wasn’t such a goody two-shoes he’d still be alive now. He brought it on himself.’
‘This isn’t you. You are better than this William! You’re the successful CEO of the business world. You’re the man that has ideas sprouting from every pore. Why didn’t you just give up the life of crime the day your father and sister died? Why carry on living two lives when you’ll be happy with one? Why William? Why?’
‘I vowed revenge on the murderer of my only remaining family. No one kills one of us and gets away with it!’ he growls, taking and unnerving step towards me. The shadow falling across his face only enhances the menacing glare.
‘But Gareth didn’t kill them! It was his father!’
‘Him, his dad, what’s the difference, they are still of the same family. Family stick together, no matter what. Loyalty demands…’
‘Fuck loyalty! Where did that get anyone? Where did it get you? Where did it get Gareth? He killed his own brother because he betrayed his family for Christ’s sake! Some loyalty!’
‘He was weak…’
‘Ha! Weak? Weak? Are we seriously going to go down this route of what defines a strong and weak man? It’s just pathetic! No one has a right to define someone’s actions, especially you of all people! Weak? You make me laugh.’
I turn my back on him to resume packing, but this action only seems to aggravate William further.
‘He should have taken the bullet like a man! That’s bravery!’
I can’t believe he is doing this. I never had him down to be stupid.
I turn to face him again. I’ll never finish my packing at this rate!
‘That’s suicide. What’s brave about being killed? It’s the coward’s way out. Bravery is
living up to your mistakes. Bravery is living each day as it comes, on your own, with nothing left to live for. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but greater strength to stand up to our friends and family.’
‘If that’s what you call bravery then I’d rather be a coward. Where has bravery gotten him? No friends or family, no steady career, no future. He’s a loser, Alex! The sooner you start seeing that the better.’
‘All I see,’ I take a step towards him. ‘Is a weak man belittling a man who has lost everything. Where’s the bravery in that? Where’s the courage? You are nothing more than a bully who likes to get his own way and one day you’ll wind up with nothing except your screwed up mind. You’ll be the loser who should have known better. The sooner you start seeing that the better.’
‘You’re not thinking straight, he’s brainwashed you…’
‘No, no, you’re the one that’s deluded if you’d think I’d believe any of the crap that is coming out of your mouth. No, for once in my life I am seeing crystal clear and it has taken me being kidnapped to realise this.’
‘Come on Alex! Gareth? Seriously? Don’t tell me you have fallen for his charms?’ My eyes drop to the floor. ‘Oh my, you are serious. This is too funny. Of course, I see it now! He clearly has everything going for him. Lovely firm beer belly, a one bedroom apartment settled in the heart of the dingiest part of London and he smells like a brewery. Oh yes, every woman is crying out for a man with those attributes!’
‘Shut up, shut up, shut up!’
‘You can’t deny the truth now Alex, I’ve seen it in your eyes.’
‘Yes! The truth! That’s what all this mess has been about in the first place. Thinking about it, the only person who knew absolutely everything was you!’
‘So did Gareth…’
‘No he didn’t. He knew about you but not that you were part of the family his father killed or that you killed his son! Do you actually have a decent bone in your body? Are you capable of telling the truth?’
‘He had to go.’ Huh?
‘What?’
‘His son. He had to go.’
‘“He had to go”? “He had to go”? Is that your answer to everything? If something becomes a threat, you have them bumped off! Is that what you will do to me next because I know the truth, I know who you are, what you’ve done? You’re despicable! No! You’re worse than that. You’re a monster! How can someone who’s so kind, loving and playful towards my niece be so heartless towards another child? You’re not right in the head.’
‘I’m not right? Look who’s talking! I’m not the one who has fallen in love with a serial killer! He’s like the mafia, but a one-man show! He’s killed more men than I’ve had hot dinners!
‘He’s played you for a fool, Alex. A few simple come hither looks, the pleading pout, the odd sympathy story and you’re putty in his hands. You’re his little plaything. Once he exhausts of your simpering ways, he’ll dump you, disappear off the face of the Earth and shack up with the next willing woman, all without a second glance. You’re a fool for believing he’d want more.’
Breathing is uneven.
Heart rate hits its maximum.
Eyes lock in battle.
Sparks crackle in the distance between us.
Silence descends.
Nothing can be taken back; everything is now out in the open. We are striving to hurt each other intent on doing maximum damage. It’s all or nothing.
But then something shifts. William’s eyes begin to soften, shoulders realises tension as his sigh rolls through the air. His head drops slightly, eyes squeeze shut and he brings his right hand to rub his forehead, the battle leaving him.
What’s going through his head? What’s happening?
After a moment or two, his eyes return to mine. I remember them. These are what I fell for.
‘Is he worth dying for?’ he abruptly says. ‘Is he? Because if you stay with him, undoubtedly that’s where you’ll end up and I can’t bear the thought of never seeing your face again. I don’t want to lose you, not for a second time and especially not to a man like him. I love you. God how I love you, but I can’t keep you safe if you love him, want to be with him. Do you realise what you will be risking if you choose a path by Gareth’s side?’
Energy drains from me as I make my way over to the bed and sit on the edge. My eyes settle on the beige, padded carpet.
‘Many times I’ve wondered why I’m willing to risk my life to be with him. Questions and questions have been constantly spinning around in my head. Hardly any of them make sense. I was scared once, no longer. Until tonight, I was so lost and confused about the whole thing, but gradually, bit by bit things started slotting into place. It wasn’t until I walked out of that hospital, leaving him alone lying helpless in that bed, did it come to me. I felt the answer whisper in my ear. I’m in love. I love him more than…more than you.’ I shyly gaze up to William to catch his reaction, but all I get is a slight flinch, the only indication my confession has hit a nerve. ‘I thought that wasn’t possible but then Gareth came along and proved me wrong. He has shown me what it is to really love and, hopefully, be loved in return.’
‘You’ve known him all of five minutes!’
It’s amazing how situations change. Soft and mellow one minute, fiery and boisterous the next.
‘You can’t put a time on love!’ I leap up, propelling myself forward. ‘It’s an emotion you can’t control! I didn’t want to fall in love. Hell! I even denied it, but there are only so many times you can put it off! It crept up on me! It’s true what they say; you really can’t help who you fall for.’
‘Yeah,’ he scoffs. ‘You’re telling me,’ then looks away only to begin pacing around the room, occasionally making gestures with his hands. ‘I fell in love with a conniving slag!’
‘You bast…’
‘And the funny thing is I actually panicked. Panicked! Me! When you didn’t turn up half an hour after I called you at Zoe’s, I became frantic with worry. Heck! I was frantic after ten minutes! I had this sinking feeling in my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. I have never felt like that before, not about anyone, not even for my family. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you Alex? Do you?’
But he leaves me no room to reply.
‘I was up and out of this place, pounding the streets looking for you. I used every contact up my sleeve but they came up with nothing. I even resorted to threatening, blackmailing and simply paying people off for information, still no result. You had vanished off the face of this Earth. I was going out of my mind!
‘I neither slept nor ate for days. The little I did manage to shove down my throat was soon back up again. I couldn’t keep anything down! I was falling apart! Just when I thought I wouldn’t find you I finally got my wish. Even now it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
‘You looked like his whore. The bile rose at the thought of you being anything of his, but seeing you like that, with him, well, I simply saw red. The more the images flashed through my mind of what he could have done to you the more the snake grew inside, eating away at my innards until there was nothing left but the hunger for revenge. I had no control over what happened next. I was on automatic. My gun came out and I gave chase, firing bullet after bullet until there was nothing left for me to fire and still the little fucker survived, taking what’s mine with him!’
‘Y-you could have k-killed me,’ I stutter.
He stops his pacing, stands and stares at me as if what I had just said was spoken in a foreign language.
‘There was no chance of that. My aim is accurate.’
‘Well it can’t be that accurate, you missed Gareth several times before giving up!’
‘Hitting a moving target while they are carrying precious cargo isn’t the easiest thing to do. Darting into alleyways makes it that extra bit harder. And I didn’t give up, I ran out of bullets!’
‘You’re the one that endangered my life in the first place! If you never kill
ed my brother in that hit and run, Gareth wouldn’t have needed to kidnap me in order for me to find out the truth, and then we wouldn’t be in this ruddy mess in the first place! God, I feel like I’m in a Western what with all these guns and shoot offs! All we’re missing are the bloody horses!’
‘Look sweetheart…’
‘Don’t start with the “sweetheart” thing; you lost the right to endearments the day you ran my brother down and left him for dead.’
‘For goodness sake Alex, just listen will you! Yes, I am not the person you thought I was and I am not the most law-abiding citizen, but I am still that guy you fell in love with. I still love you as much as ever. I care about what happens to you, I look out for you, provide for you. I’ve never laid a finger on you, I couldn’t do that, never do that to a woman, especially you.’
He starts to walk in my direction, intent shining in his eyes. Pupils dilate, breathing quickens, and a small smile makes its way onto his face. Every move so precise and is working to his advantage.
What is he doing?
The atmosphere drops and becomes electrically charged.
My mouth goes dry and my heart quickens, pumping warm liquid exceedingly fast around my blood stream. I see the pulse beat at the base of his neck and I suckle my lip at the desire to lick it, to feel it caress my tongue leaving my taste buds tingling.
What has come over me? One minute we were spitting hatred at each other, now we are…we are…what are we doing?
Soon enough his right hand glides up to cup my cheek and the velvety touch of his fingers leaves my skin flushed.
Don’t do this to me William, please. Please don’t make it any more difficult for me than it already is.
I feel his eyes watching my every move, from the twitching of my lips to the rise and fall of my breasts as my breathing quickens. He leans in closer to my ear and like hot honey on flesh his words trickle through me.