by Becky Cairns
What? No!
‘No, please Maggie, we mustn’t do that. The police can’t get involved in this. We can’t say a word!’
‘Are you out of your mind Alex?’ She begins to reach for the phone in the hallway. ‘Can’t you see we are in danger? This has got to be William. He’s killed once, what’s to say he won’t do it again. What’s stopping him from killing us?’
Before she can dial the emergency number I knock the phone from her hand. It goes skidding across the floor, the back coming off.
‘You promised you wouldn’t say a word Maggie.’
‘Yes, I made a promise, but that was before this arrived!’ She brandishes the paper in front of me. ‘It needs to stop now, for our safety, for Bethany’s’
‘Don’t you see? By calling the police you’ll be doing the exact opposite!’
How can I make her see sense!
‘That is not possible. Police will only help matters. William can’t get away with it. I want justice done for Thomas and if calling the police is the only way then so be it.’
She turns on her heels and strides towards the backless, but still working phone. However, before she is able to pick it up something inside me snaps causing me to act irrationally out of fear. Fear of what though? Gareth being found out? Because that is what will inevitably happen if the police get involved. Then there’s Peters. He’d love to see Gareth go down.
I grab Maggie’s shoulders, spin her around and pin her against the banisters. An easy achievable task in light of her petite frame compared to mine.
‘I said don’t!’ A threat implied in every word. I do not like the sound of that.
The shock on her face quickly morphs into distress. Pupils expand; eyebrows raise high on her forehead, mouth slightly agape. Even her breathing has quickened.
What am I doing?
‘Alex, you’re scaring me.’
I’m scaring myself! What am I turning in to?
‘I-I’m sorry. I-I-I don’t know what has come over me.’
I slowly let go, take a step backwards and face away in shame.
Everything is slipping through my fingers. My world is crumbling down around me and I am powerless to stop it. I am becoming someone I dislike. A monster. Is it being with Gareth that has turned me into this despicable creature or the truth of everything, of William, of my brother’s death? I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what the right course of action is.
My head is agrees with Maggie. Yes, I should inform the police, Thomas deserves justice and William needs to be punished, but my heart…My heart wants to run away and start a new life elsewhere with Gareth by my side and to forget everything. But I can’t do that. I can’t desert Maggie and Bethany like that. It’s not fair on them. They are the innocent party trapped in the centre of this mess.
The dead weight of my body pulls me down to the floor, back cushioned against the wall leaving me in a scrunched up position, hands interlocked resting against my chin, eyes fixed unseeing to an insignificant spot ahead.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
The mantle clock in her living room is sounding deafening in the intense atmosphere. Our mellow breathing settles like debris after a storm.
I hear shuffling of material then out of the corner of my eye I see Maggie kneel at my side, the paper still clutched in her hand. After a slight pause she brings her free hand up to gingerly rest on my knee. The warmth in the contact relaxes my tense body. I didn’t even realise I was tensing!
‘Alex.’ The sweet tones of her voice wash over me like a cool breeze. ‘We can’t ignore this. Something needs to be done.’
‘I’ll sort it,’ I answer in a voice that’s not my own.
‘Alex…’
‘I said I’ll sort it.’ My head briefly snaps up in her direction before looking away again. The pain shimmering in her eyes is too much to bear. William has destroyed everything. He has taken our lives and torn it in two, letting it shred to pieces around us.
Maggie sighs, hand slides away taking the warmth with it. ‘You may need this,’ and the paper drifts like a feather into my lap. ‘I don’t want you down here when I get back with Bethany. I’m not chucking you out; I just don’t want you to see her. Not right now.’
Oh God, what have I done?
‘Please Maggie…’ I go to stand.
‘No Alex. I don’t want you to see her. Not tonight at least. I just…’ but it all gets too much and she turns away in…is that disgust? Can she not bear looking at me anymore? ‘I can’t talk to you now. When I have put Bethany to bed I’ll speak to you then. This conversation isn’t over,’ and she stealthily slinks off into the kitchen, closing the door behind her.
I shouldn’t have come here. I should have stayed well alone, but no, I had to drag them into it! All I wanted was to gain back some of the normality I lost but instead I have only managed to do the opposite.
My life is in tatters and I don’t know where to begin to repair it. It will never be the same again that’s for sure. And what’s with this? What is it with notes? What could it possibly mean by ‘You are not alone’? How am I not alone? Ever since I met Gareth each day has brought more questions than answers. I feel like my life has been one big lie and I am beginning to distrust those I trust. Even Maggie kept things from me! Why didn’t she tell me about that man following her?
Maybe I am better off out of their lives, to sever all ties and move to a different country and start afresh. Maybe it will be best for everyone.
I can’t go back on what I know, what I’ve experienced and I don’t like the effect it is having on me. Not once have I lashed out at Maggie like that. Come to think on it, I’ve never lashed out like that at anyone. This is not me. Yes, I have a fiery personality and sometimes it gets the better of me, but never have I retaliated in violence.
I need to leave.
That’s it. Once Gareth has recovered sufficiently enough to be discharged from the hospital we are boarding the first plane abroad. I don’t care where, just out of the UK! We could be stranded in the middle of the dessert for all I care at least we would have each other. That’s all I need now. Me, Gareth and our future, I can live with that. I don’t want to destroy any more lives and that is exactly what will happen if I stay. I have no other choice; I must go even though the thought of leaving everything I love behind tears my heart in two. But that’s the price you pay to protect those you care for. I see no other way.
Tomorrow. I’ll return to the hospital tomorrow, to Gareth, to where I belong.
‘Not long now Gareth. Not long now,’ I whisper into the empty room, the piece of paper disappearing in my vice like grip.
Chapter Thirty-Four
‘Wakey, wakey Auntie Lex. Time to rise and shine, it’s your big day today!’
‘Go away Bethany.’
‘Come on Auntie, you can’t miss your wedding!’
‘I said go away.’
‘And I said wake, up!’ and I am unceremoniously thrown from my bed, tumbling to the ground, however, I do not feel the hard impact of my wooden floor. Instead I find myself standing in a church, covered in the whitest silk wedding dress that hugs my curves. All my friends and family are sitting in the pews behind, silly grins smeared from cheek to cheek.
Looking across to my right I see a man dressed in a smart, very crisp black tuxedo. His head is hidden from view obstructing his features.
‘Are you ready, Alex?’ I turn in the direction of the unknown voice to see a vicar addressing me.
‘Ready for what?’ I ask confused.
‘Ready for your wedding of course.’
‘Wedding, right, got it,’ and my eyes glance back to the man at my side. His tall, broad frame fills out his jacket while his muscular but slender legs are prominent in his trousers. As I let my eyes linger I notice his firm buttocks too. Now here is a man who can pull off a suit.
As he turns around I gasp in shock. William’s brown curl
s bounce into view, ring in hand ready to bind us in matrimony. This is it I panic. This is how my life is going to end.
‘That’s it Alex, this is our future.’
‘Stop it William, just stop it! How could you? How could you? This is not my future. My future is with Gareth and always will be!’ Tears start to slide down my cheek as an image of Gareth’s chiselled face with his piecing, steal-like eyes comes into focus, before immediately zoning onto William. Eyes filled with disgust not love.
‘If anyone here has any reason as to why these two people may not be wed in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace,’ the vicar says.
‘I do!’
I whip my head to the back of the church to see a man I never thought I would see again, leaning casually against the open door. My heart skips a beat and my pulse is about to pop. I grin from ear to ear and sprint as quickly as my dress allows, right into the arms of my saviour.
‘You have me,’ he whispers. ‘Everything will be fine.’
Heat engulfs me from within and works itself outwards causing a rosy glow to infuse my cheeks. Knowing that I’m finally in safe hands, I allow myself to rest my tired eyes and let the warmth of Gareth’s voice wash over me as he continues to whisper.
‘Listen to your heart Alex. Follow it. Trust it. You have me. You have us. You have…’
‘Me,’ a familiar voice echoes nearby.
I peer over Gareth’s shoulder only to be further amazed at what I find. There, dressed from head to toe in very fine formal wear and boyish charm to match is none other than the man beyond the grave. The man exists, he breathes like you and I. His heart beats the same rhythm. There’s flesh on his bones. He’s back. Thomas has finally come back to me.
I sit bolt upright in bed, covers slide off my body into a heap at my waist. Sweat slickened skin, pulse drumming at my neck and my breathing irregular. It can only mean one thing - nightmare.
Thomas was in it. The first time I’ve imagined him in a long while, but why now? What could it mean? I’m not one prone to having dreams or nightmares but over the last few weeks they’ve become my constant companion, or rather my enemy.
I can’t stay here a moment longer, I need to leave. It’s not like I’m going to get back to sleep now! My brain is too active for that. I’ve got to escape, which is rather ironic really. The place I considered my second home has now become the place I can’t stand being in. My life has been turned on its head. Everything is back to front; nothing is the way it should be.
The glow from the bedside clock indicates it’s only three thirty in the morning. Another four hours and the sun will be putting in an appearance. People will continue to go about their day, going to work, taking the children to school, or perhaps simply enjoying a leisurely stroll around the park hand in hand with their long term spouse.
I on the other hand will be going out of my mind wondering how to fix things with Maggie while simultaneously trying to find a way back to Gareth as soon as possible. I feel incomplete when I’m not around him; it’s the strangest sensation considering the length of time I’ve known him. It’s wrong. Everything about this scenario is wrong! However, deep down I know by his side is where I belong. It’s hard to explain. It’s like the galaxy. You know it exists but unsure how it came about.
Stretching the kinks out of my back I then swivel to the side, flinging my legs over the edge of the bed. Going to stand my eyes catch sight of the slip of paper that was posted through Maggie’s letterbox. What’s with all these notes? I’m getting sick and tired of them.
The words resound in my head, “You are not alone”. I’m still none the wiser as to the meaning. Cryptic words is all they are, with the intention to scare me, or inform me but to what? This is pointless. It’s one thing after another and they are leading me around in circles. Will this nightmare ever end?
Who am I kidding I can’t fix things with Maggie, not now not ever. She’ll never be able to trust me again. The look on her face when she told me to stay out of her way, I have lost everything. She hates me. She knows I won’t go to the police, won’t help in giving Thomas’s memory justice….Oh God, I’ve crossed over to the dark side! I’ve got to get out of here before I destroy any more of their lives, they are better off without me.
Before I can change my mind I leap out of bed turning on the light as I go, rummage through the bag I brought with me for some warm clothes, and once ready I make a move to begin the next stage of my life, not forgetting to snatch up the ominous note.
I stop at the bedroom door. I can’t leave without saying something! I know I’ve changed a lot over the past few weeks, but I haven’t become so cruel as to walk out of their lives leaving nothing, not a word about my reasons. They deserve that.
Grabbing the notepad and pen I know she keeps in the bedside drawer, I relax back on the bed to write the last thing I ever will for her.
As I touch pen to paper a daunting prospect settles in my bones. I am ultimately writing the last chapter to this life, closing it off forever, because there is no going back. I can never go back. Always forward.
A silent tear trickles down my cold cheek as their faces appear before my eyes. Maggie’s disapproving, Bethany’s confused and frightened. The thought of never seeing them again is tearing me apart but there is nothing more I can do. I have run out of options. No. This is for the best, no questions about it. I must leave.
And with that unwavering thought I set to task on writing the last words I’ll ever convey to the woman who has been such a big part of my life.
Maggie,
I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you and for all the pain I am going to cause with this letter, but I hope you’ll be able to understand my reasons for doing this. If you don’t understand then I hope you can accept what I am doing is in the goodness of my heart and I am only looking out for your and Bethany’s interest. Trust me when I say this is for the best. I want you safe and this is the only way I know how.
A few weeks ago my life was turned upside down and from that moment on everything I knew was thrown out of the window. I lost the sense of who I was and of where I belonged. I was taken on a journey that changed my perspective of the world that we live in and it showed me how nothing is black and white.
I’ve learnt to trust those I wouldn’t have and discovered the people who hide the darkest secrets are those you’re closest to. So when thinking about it, can you really trust anyone? I used to be able to see goodness in the people I met, in family, but all I am capable of seeing is a cloud of evil hovering above everyone’s heads. It’s not a healthy lifestyle.
I’ve changed and I do not like what I am seeing. That is why I need to leave before I do more damage. I have already lashed out at you when there was no need. I wish I could say this is not me, but I’m afraid I can’t. This is me and will be for the rest of my life. Being told the truth caused something to snap inside. Maybe it has been lying dormant for years. Whatever the reason, it shows that it existed and I am not the person I thought I was.
Please stay away from the police and do not tell anyone about what has happened I know that’s asking a lot, but please, listen to me on this. And also stay as far away from William as humanly possible. You now know what he is capable of. As far as I know he has no need to seek you out. The person he is after is currently lying in a hospital bed, that’s where his vendetta lies and unfortunately I am now part of the battle. So you see I have run out of options, I must leave, for good.
I’m going to miss you two, more than words can explain. You will always have a place in my heart, how can you not. After all you are a part of Thomas. He’d be very proud of how Bethany is turning out, she’s a little angel. You’ve got a heartbreaker on your hands, men better watch out. And he’d be proud of you too Maggie. You were that sparkle in his eye. He never smiled and laughed as much as he did when he was around you. He admired your strength and he’ll be admiring it now when you will need it the most. I wish I had half of yo
ur goodness.
Not a moment will pass when I won’t think of what I have left behind, but that’s the price I have to pay to save the ones I love. Don’t try and look for me, I don’t want to be found.
I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.
Tell Bethany I love her and that I will think about her each day.
Stay safe and embrace every moment of your lives, you never know what’s around the corner.
And another thing Maggie, find someone, fall in love again, share your life, Thomas would have wanted that. I want you to have that. You and Bethany deserve it.
I love you.
Goodbye Maggie.
Alex
xxxxx
A lonely tear leaks, landing on my letter and smudging the last ‘x’.
Tearing the paper off the pad I then fold it in half, write Maggie’s name in the centre and place it on the middle of the pillow in plain view.
Taking one last look around the place, I switch off the light and close the door on my past forever.
My future is lying in there. Once I pass through the automatic doors there is no going back - a new start for a new me. Life will never be the same again. The daunting building is sky high, looming over the world it looks down on, emphasising its greatness and importance. It’s a building made to stand the test of time and thrive on the entire hustle bustle that exists within. Many hopes have died and many more have been born. It is place that can make or break you. One word and your life could be over. One word and your life could just be beginning. A place such as this can hold many possibilities, both bad and good, many life changing events. To me it’s a place that is both scary and exciting. Inside is whom I want to be for the rest of my life and without further ado, I take that final step and head towards it with open arms.