by Douglas Cobb
"This 'never happens,' eh?" we heard the Man In White say. "Then, how do you explain those other dogs I just saw, with that girl?"
"There's an explanation for all of this, I assure you," Dexter replied. "Celeste! Get back in here, and bring those dogs with you!"
Celeste, dejected, with downcast eyes, brought us into the main part of the bakery. Yes! Score!
We started to snarf up the to-die-for food on the floor like there was no tomorrow. There were so many flavors and smells, it was quite overwhelming. My tummy ballooned up, but I kept on eating, as if I'd been starved for an entire week.
"Celeste, in the words of Ricky Ricardo, 'You got a lot of 'splaining to do!'" Dexter angrily said to his sister.
"Rats!" Celeste said.
"Rats? Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Dexter asked.
"Well, yes, Dex!" Celeste said, thinking on her feet, almost as well as a member of PAWS. She did me proud that day.
"Don't you remember, Dex," she continued, when I told you the other day in an e-mail that I had read that certain dogs, like terriers, are often just as good if not better at catching rats than cats are, and that I might bring Lily about on rounds once a week or so to make sure you and Nicole never had problems with rats or mice? So, here we are! Can I help it that today is also the day when I walk these other dogs, and it just so happens that it's also the day when the health inspector is here?"
"Hmmm," Dexter pondered, knowing that what Celeste had said was not the truth, but also knowing that what she'd said might save the day despite the apparent disaster that was occurring, "You know, I'd forgotten all about that, but it's true. This was just unfortunate timing, and accidents happen. Let's go into the back and check out the storeroom, and I'm certain that Mr. Klein here will agree after he inspects the rest of the bakery that this is definitely a rat-free establishment, though it might not always be a dog-free one!"
"This is highly irregular, Mr. Quince!" said The Man In White, Mr. Klein, "Still, once this mess gets cleaned up, so far what I've seen looks ship-shape. If the rest of your bakery is satisfactory, we'll see about getting that certificate signed. I have a little sister, too, and I know how they can be when they've got an idea in their heads. Rat terriers are great at catching rats--that dog, however, doesn't look much like a rat terrier...."
"Ah, you...understand? Isn't that fantastic, Nicole; he understands!" Dexter said, somewhat in wonder. "Then, let's do exactly what Mr. Klein suggested, and check out the rest of the bakery!"
That's what we all did, with our leashes firmly in Celeste's capable hands. No further incidents happened, and Mr. Klein noticed no evidence of rodents nor any other problems with the bakery. After he and Nicole cleaned up the mess Fuzzy Wally MacGee had created (which was really due to people trying to grab him and not to any fault of his own), Mr. Klein signed the health certificate, warning though before he left:
"In the future, don't use animals for making sure you don't have rodents! Someone who is not as understanding as I am might be the inspector then, and you might not as fortunate next time!"
"Sir, I assure you there will be no 'next time,'" Dexter told him, waving goodbye as Mr. Klein got into his car. "This won't happen again! Thank you, sir; thank you!"
When Dexter turned around to speak to Celeste, he wasn't smiling. "Celeste, you need to promise me that you'll never bring those dogs into this bakery again! That was too close of a call! We have a lot of money and our futures at stake with this bakery and our restaurants, and I don't want to see all of our hard work and money going down the drain!"
"I'm sorry, Dex!" Celeste contritely said. "It all worked out, though, didn't it? You won't tell Mom and Dad, will you?"
"I should. What you did was not good, Celeste! You weren't using your head! Even if the health inspector hadn't been here, it's never a good idea to bring animals into a bakery!" He thought for a moment before saying anything more. "But, somehow, you managed to avert a Titanic disaster from happening, so I won't tell Mom and Dad. Now, get those animals and get out of here before I change my mind!"
"Okay, Dex! You're the best brother ever! Thanks!" Celeste said, and we were soon outside on our way back to our respective houses.
My belly was noticeably lower, brushing the tops of the blades of grass as we strolled along. After we dropped off each of my compadres and fellow members of PAWS, Fuzzy Wally MacGee last, as he lived the closest to our house, and after Celeste collected her money, I said to her: "I have to say, that went rather well!"
"What do you mean, 'That went rather well'? Which part of it did?" Celeste asked me icily. The temperature in the immediate vicinity felt like it dropped twenty degrees, and I involuntarily shivered.
"All of it! I satisfied my sweet tooth, as did my friends. Mr. Klein turned out not to be a member of SNURFLES. Dexter and Nicole's bakery, Eternity On Your Thighs, passed the health inspection with flying colors. And, they found out that if they ever happen to have a rat problem, they can come to me, and I'll be glad to solve it for them. What about any of that bothers you?" I answered you, using infallible logic. I licked some lingering cookie crumbs from my lips and smiled at her, trying to look as innocent as I hoped I sounded."That was just luck and my quick thinking and lying for you that everything ended up like it did, not your supposedly 'great' plan!" Your friend, Fuzzy Wally MacGee, has never heard of the word 'stealth,' has he? He needs to take classes to be a better member of PAWS! He was rampaging clumsily about like a--a--"
"Rhinoceros?"
"Like a very clumsy Chinese Crested dog, that's what!" Celeste stormed at me.
"He did exactly what he was supposed to do--he served as a distraction. We would have gotten away with it, to, if The Man In white hadn't seen you holding the leashes as we tried to get away!" I tried to reasonably explain to her, but she wasn't willing to listen to reason.
"Now you're blaming me?" Celeste asked, perturbed. "I should never have listened to what you said. I was trying to help you, but I should have had more common sense than to listen to you!"
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Celeste! At least, you were quick at thinking on your feet, and coming up with an explanation of why we were there! I was proud of you--you were acting like a real member of PAWS, looking out for your friends!" I said to her.
"Yeah, well...if being a 'real member of PAWS,' means I have to also be a liar, and cover up the truth about what goes on, then I'd rather not be a member of PAWS!"
I was puzzled and hurt by Celeste's words to me. I hadn't meant any harm, and things did work out, despite tiny, minor glitches in my plan. I didn't want to risk losing the best-est friend I've ever had. I went from feeling ecstatic that the plan had worked so well, and I'd finally satisfied my sweet tooth, to the depths of sadness."Celeste, I didn't intend for things to happen like they did. You have to believe me! Of course, I didn't think that we would get busted like we did and caught as we were trying to escape. I'll never ask you to lie for me again, and I didn't really this time, but I'm grateful that you did, and kept my secret."
"What did it really get you, though, besides a couple of pounds fatter? You know that too much junk food isn't good for dogs--or, um, pterodactyls. If you want to combat SNURFLES, you have to keep yourself fit and trim, not gorge yourself on pie, cake, and cookies!" Celeste said.
"Celeste, are you suggesting that I--that I--just shrivel up and die?" I asked.
"No, Lily," Celeste said, now doing her best imitation of Auric Goldfinger, and addressing me like I was James Bond, "I expect you to di-et!"
I was horrified that she allowed that nasty four-letter-word leave her lips. Diet? I would no more diet than put on a tutu and dance Swan Lake with a gorilla! Celeste was being ridiculous. I intended to let her know how I felt about her biting remarks.
"Surely, you can't be serious!" I protested. "I didn't gain that much extra weight!"
"Oh, no?" Celeste said, mockingly. "Your ba-donk-a-donk-donk has migrated from your trunk to over your entire body!"
We walked into our house then. I would be willing to do anything to get back into Celeste's good graces, even if she really did mean that she would put me on a diet. There were always between-meal snacks, though, that I had when Celeste was at school or busy doing other stuff, that she didn't need to know about, like neighborhood cats and marauding raccoons. But, she was right that I definitely needed to be in the best shape of my life to combat SNURFLES.
This became more apparent to me than ever when I heard Celeste then ask her mom from the basement: "Where'd Frankie go, Mom?"
"Frankie?" Clare said from the kitchen. "Oh, he had finally grown his feathers back, and I released him, like I always do."
I had let my guard down, and hadn't been where I needed to be. Because of my cursed sweet tooth, I had missed an opportunity to follow The Scarlet One back to the SNURFLES's headquarters. I was afraid I might not ever get a better opportunity to bring about the end of SNURFLES. I'd blown it once again.
Chapter Five
Which Witch Is Which?
It was early October. Something spooky was in the air--literally. Actually, someones were. There had been an increased amount of Air Traffic Controller sightings of witches on broomsticks in the skies over Centralia, Arkansas. This was highly unusual, as Halloween still wasn't for several weeks. I decided to email an old (like, centuries old) witchy pal of mine, Miss Hagatha Linchpin, to ask her if she knew why. I owed it as my civic duty to the anxious, hard-working Air Traffic Controllers at the Centralia International Airport to get to the bottom of this bewitching mystery.
After logging on to my email account and responding to my many fan letters (and Nicaraguan business proposals), I started composing the following email:
Hey, Haggy-Baby: (That's what I called her, Haggy-Baby)
What's the haps on the witching front? Love what you did on your
Witchbook page! Those photos of you gettin' your groove on at the
annual Witches & Warlocks Ball were A-to the W-to the E- Awesome!
That Eye of Newt Wrinkle Cream I gave you as a birthday gift really
works wonders, doesn't it? It helps highlight your wrinkles very well!
Things have been okay with me, can't complain, though I am on an
enforced diet now that's kind of cramped my style. I'm used to All-
You-Can-Eat Buffets, not to this stupid One Meal A Day Diet that
Celeste has me on. I have to lose a few lb.s by Halloween so I can
pack them on again. At least, the weight one gains eating chocolate
gets converted into muscle, right? I think I read that somewhere, in an
unbiased study by the CMUSA (Chocolate Manufacturers of the
United States of America), so it has to be true!
The best kind of chocolate is free chocolate, like the type millions
of kids get every year going door-to-door at Halloween Trick-or-
Treating, which is also the kind I get when I swoop down on them
from high above and steal their Halloween treats! Just joking--as
the leader of PAWS, I have a duty and responsibility to protect the
fine upstanding citizens of Centralia. I wouldn't think of terrorizing
them, no, not me!
Speaking of flying and swooping, though, there have been reports by
the local media of Centralia about more than the usual number of
witches in the skies here for some reason. If you've heard anything
about why this is happening, Haggy-Baby, could you please email me
back asap? I fear this might be the work of SNURFLES, trying to
recruit as many powerful magic-using witches to the Dark Side as
possible!
p.s.: Also, have you noticed a scarlet-feathered Macaw in the skies
lately that answers to the name "Frankie"? He's to be considered
winged and dangerous! He's a menace to society!
Cheers,
Lily (Victoria to you)
I thought I might have to wait awhile, because sometimes Hagatha is busy with her Hexlates class or scaring up a bite to eat or digging up old friends. But, I was surprised when, not more than five minutes later, I received the following email from her:
Yo, Victoria:
Nice to hear from you! I'm glad you liked the Witchbook layout! I
Can't tell you how much it means to me that you responded with a big
"Like," to the photos of me at the Ball! It's good to know that you
don't have to look like Cinderella or Cameron Diaz to get noticed these
days by the paparazzi and get a little face time with the cameras, if
you know what I mean!
I have a skeleton gal pal who eats all of the chocolate she wants, and
she never gains weight! It must be wonderful to have a metabolism
like that. Myself, I'm on a strict seafood diet--if I see food, I eat it!
I know, that was a bad pun--I could hear you groaning from here.
I am getting more and more excited by the day that the most happy
day of the year is almost upon us--Halloween! I am making spider
chip cookies, which the vampire bats in my belfry love to sink
their teeth into! My homemade wolfsbane ice cream is setting up
in the freezer, and I've practically finished wrapping up my Mummy
Surprise Pastries, just in time for them to get good and moldy by
Halloween!
Now, to get to your question about the increased amount of witches
flying in the skies over Centralia--yes, I did hear something was
stirring there, and a massive Pre-Halloween Convention is going to
occur somewhere in the Ozark National Forest.
I've got an invitation myself, as does my twin sister, Lucrieza, and
it says on them that we're welcome to bring our familiars. They're
generally cats, as you know, but other animals will work just as well.
If you and one of your friends would like to go and see for
yourselves what the fuss is about, meet me with your friend in your
backyard at midnight tomorrow night.
If you have flight helmets and goggles, wear them! While I like to
get bugs in my teeth, not everyone else does!
--Hagatha Linchpin—
I wasn't sure how I'd be able to get outside at midnight on a Friday night, but I was determined that I would somehow meet Hagatha and her sister, Lucrieza, at the scheduled hour and that another member of PAWS would go with us, serving as Lucrieza's familiar. I wanted to take my good friend, Fuzzy Wally MacGee, but rhinos are scared of heights, as everybody knows. Prince Alphonse Saed, being a Mountain Lion, was at least the most feline of the members of PAWS, so I decided to enlist him in this venture. I hoped he wouldn't prove to be a "scaredy-cat," and also that we could both pull off our roles without any of the other witches who would be there catching on and blowing our cover. I wrote Haggy a brief email saying I'd definitely be there with a friend, and then signed off my computer.
The second that Celeste come home from school, I wheezed asthmatically in excitement, as I am sometimes prone to do, and spun around in circles, needing to go to the bathroom. Celeste let me out the door, I did what comes naturally, then roared my urgent message to Prince Alphonse Saed. He answered in the affirmative, that he could be ready for me to pick up around 11:45 so we could have plenty of time to rendevous with our witchy escorts at midnight, and then Quentin brought me back into the house and I was rewarded with a doggie treat. It wasn't quite the same as a pterodactyl treat, but I made do with what was available.
The hours seemed to pass slowly, but I at least was able to spend them with my best-est friend, Celeste, and another one of my favorite people in the world, Triple Q. Triple Q even got up to play one of Celeste's Wii games w
ith her, Just Dance 2, and I helped them stay light on their feet by weaving in and out and around their dancing feet and roaring along with the music. I imagined the scene was much like ones I'd watched with Celeste of America's Favorite Videos.
When Celeste finally called it a night and went to bed, I went dutifully with her. Like the Dreamcatchers of the native peoples, I chased away bad dreams for her. I felt sad that I wouldn't be with her the entire night, but I had an urgent mission to go on. I waited until her breath became shallower, indicating that she'd gone to sleep, and then carefully leapt to the carpeted floor like a gazelle.
Quentin always was the last to go to bed. He was a regular night owl, enjoying staying up late to read from his immense library of books. At 11:40, I imprinted a hypnotic suggestion into his brain to quietly get up out of his chair and carry me once again to the backyard, then to commence reading again as if nothing odd had occurred. Upon hearing my tap at the backdoor whenever I would return, I imprinted the suggestion that he would let me in, wait until I got into Celeste's bed, then get ready to go to bed himself, without remembering that he'd been under my will power the entire time.
And so, that I how I found myself soaring towards Fonzie's yard on a star-filled October night, screeching and roaring with abandon and joy to be able to once again stretch my wings and fly! It was always an exhilarating experience, and one I never tired of, for soaring in the sky and among the clouds I felt truly free!
All too soon, I was at Saed's yard. He lived outside most of the time, in a "dog" house--undignified, I know, but at least his "owners" had made it large enough to accommodate a Mountain Lion-sized animal. In that, they were most considerate. I grabbed him as delicately as I could in my talons, and before you could recite the Declaration of Independence backward in Latin, we were in my backyard, with time to spare.Then, zooming through the sky like supersonic jets, Hagatha and Lucrieza broke the sound barrier with a loud BOOM and plummeted into our midst like shooting stars falling to the earth. They pulled out of their dives just in time to avoid crashing into the ground and leaving witch-sized craters there.