02.01.2012
Something to add: 6. I do not want to be in a continuous competition with other girls for a man's attention, 7. I do not want to feel easily replaced.
06.01.2012
This night I had the same dream. I am back in Berlin... K. is in front of me, I feel his sharp look, as I am mixing my Kostrizer black beer with...I wish it all stops now...with this...
Wake up, now, Serena!...
He starts talking, he is honest... tells me about having... affair... “Wir waren nur Freunde”...yes, we were just friends... I just can't hear the rest...“uns zu mir gehen...”, let's go there, to his place, now... yes! My skin wants it so badly... No! My mind is fighting so much against.
I am deaf... He looks at me so intensively... his mouth moves, though, he must be saying something... but I can't hear... all those memories are yelling at me... my inner ears star to hurt... “I will talk to the Indians, Kala and Romina”... “oh, I met Romina today at rehearsal”... “She was crying, poor soul, got bitten by her husband”... “has a nice body”... Oh!... He did tell me about her before. I didn't think... they were... Why not?... that soft dark skin... I can picture them now, so damn close, kissing... Where have you been Serena? All that time!
It gets foggy and cold around... I manage to stand up, head for the door and rush to the hotel with my face hid in my hands. Is this Me, right now... crying?!
He is following me silently on the street, I feel him moving slowly behind...
I stop and turn back at him. No! I can't look into his eyes.
He is near me, now, hugging me with such a tender love, compassionate love. I can't move my arms... damn!
I feel so stupid for not knowing, this hurts so much, stupid for coming here this feels worse... so incredibly stupid i knew his past... this feels so bad... beyond all the words in all languages... im still cursed to love him. I am still cursed, me, Serena, capital letter! I still make mistakes! Wake up, now! No, I am still here, dreaming... I'm trying to raise my hands to push him away, but...suddenly, I feel my fingers become fluid... dropping in dim... dim... dimmer blood stains.
I am going to die now, for sure. I know this! No one can save me! It is too late!
I am suddenly so conscious about everything in my life, able to hear again all sounds of nature, people from across the street... even La Fleur meowing back home...
My God! I understand EVERYTHING now!
Serena! Wake UP!
02.02.2012
Therapist says it's ok to dream... Aha! Really?! It gets so damn real, each time! I keep staring at my hands for hours, after I wake up! Why?
04.02.2012
nothing to write about tired
14.02.2012
nothing to write about, same dream damn
repetitive thoughts are a sign of insanity, repetitive words are a sign of insanity...
March
my birthday, alone, drank a lot: beercof + champgne + white wine
April
out to party, beer + beer + scotch + coffee + beercof
May
... went to a Nick's wedding to confort Judy. She did great. I was proud of her. She kept a smile on her face all day. How could she do that? I would have been broken! The sermon was different... the choir, exceptional! How come I'd never heard these singers before? I kept wandering: “Do they have a manger?”
Serena Liebfried — listening to Agni Parthene(Αγνή Παρθένε)-Petros Gaitanos (Πέτρος Γαϊτάνος), “Fecioară curată”-Byzantion Choir
2013
This year, Pope Benedict XVI resigned. I did not. I actually started to go more often to Holy Trinity Cathedral, to everyone's surprise. “You, in a church!”, “Hai, mă!”, “What?!”, “Are you changing your faith, now?”, “Warum?”, “Are you OK?”, “Is it safe for you there?”, “therapy doesn't work”, “I see...”, “religious people go crazy these days”, “blow themselves up”.
I can't stop people from talking about things they don't fully understand! Guess, it is difficult for them to accept we have different values in this life.
To be honest, at first, I was interested only in the choir's performance, now I am more into this deep Byzantine orthodox music! Not at all, the joyous gospel, you may find in movies, “Sister Act”, I mean! This sounds genuine and tender! It makes you feel God is something more that an old humble Chap, waiting for your visit.
Take for instance, this song, “Agni Parthene”... it is amazing! Made me cry instantly and I can't stand people crying in public. I first heard in Greek, last year, at the Nick's wedding. I had no idea what it was talking about... but I felt ... it was the best summary of my entire life! All regrets included! All suffering! Amazing music! It is said to have been composed by angels themselves. For sure, this is not a human creation!
The priest disagrees, however... tells me I should get real. All human beings are capable of great deeds! Hmm... Such a funny wise man!
He said that if I feel 1%, guilty for something, I should try fix that percent, and let God worry about the rest. Well, I am sorry, God, for that 99%, I have left You. We both know my 1% is not telling people how I truly feel. I have no idea how to fix this. Lighting candles doesn't seem to help me, so far, but I am doing my best here. What else can I do? I have nothing else to lose, now.... You see, I've already blown up my chance with Your best man on earth... we could have been so great together...
2014
Jazz Festival is a hit. Yes, I've nailed it!
This year, during Easter, I got a greeting message from K. He is a lost cause, I see it clearly. Also, nicht “wahr”? Not true? Where can I possibly look for “true” love?
I found out he'd left Berlin months ago. He's playing in Jazzkeller, Frankfurt, now. I am truly happy for him. Such a huge step in his career!
Why can't I hate him?
How can you hate an honest man?
had that dream again, part of it...
*
For two weeks, I dated a manager with no artistic background ... Nice looking, though, blue eyed... a blonde-haired person. Got bored! Nothing to talk about! I tried to be subtle...
Now, why couldn't he take break up easily? He behaved like a woman! Worse that Judy! And she was the worst, two years ago... crying all over the office. Nick had dumped her before Valentine's day to marry a chick! Ouch! At least, I was “lady” enough to do in March.
I felt a bit sorry for him, but, we were not sexually involved, so...
He sent ten messages in just one day. Pathetic! Really? Ten messages! To quote Roy: “Go home and walk the dog, dude!”
I know I shouldn't talk like that, but sometimes Roy's obscene words are the only ones able to express my anger. Why am I so angry at him, all the time?!
Serena Liebfried — listening to O Zone, Dragostea din tei
2015
For almost a month, I dated a tenor. I forgot to meet him once and made him wait in front of Amsterdam Cafe. To be honest, I was two hours late. No excuse! He said I was being wicked and left me. Hmm... I was actually doing my best. I just couldn't help being late... Such a disappointment! Germans are so famous for their punctuality, here in Romania! [It is a defensive tactic, if you really want to know. It is their way of telling the others they are predictable, so they must be nice, they can't be a threat. Yes, they can! They have this inner “proud” circle that makes them feel secure, so they protected it carefully, being stubborn, argumentative, polite, laughing only at smart jokes, holding on to their traditions and being so damn thrifty, all the time. These are the very things I'd hated my father for, ever since I was a child. When all these qualities prove useless in keeping someone away, they fight back and fighting is what they feel they are actually born for.]
.No, it was not entirely my fault...That tenor 1.was no Pavarotti. 2. didn't like to talk about opera, and I love to chat about that with everyone! Even my doorkeeper knows I am crazy about this.
3. Why should I invest my time and mon
ey in a mediocre voice with no future?
*
I finally met Him! My different man, unapproachable... not social, not a musician, not a pretty-boy, so average looking... truly, the end of my blue-eyed era! Only noticeable things about him are: 1. his rounded butt, 2. his long legs. Hot! Fortunately enough for me, women in my office are not looking at these things. Judy is interested only in “the heart” (?!) and my chief, A.D., is already happily married with children.
Well, he's hard to get, alright, my Man... acting ironic and witty all the time. I've never seen anyone shifting so easily from nice to icy... He must have suffered a lot! Great challenge!
Some of his photos are mind blowing, the best ones I've seen so far! Wow! He instantly won me over with this.
Setbacks... He was married! + a daughter + a son (dead) + health problems = Future Tragedy!
I have so many questions, now:
1. Cause of divorce?
2. Where is she?
3. How does she look like?
A.D. says he was caught in bed with another woman, and A.D. knows everything. I can imagine how hurt that wife must have been, finding about that! Damn it! I though he was a safe bet.
We met, went to see “Tosca” together, had fun, talked. He admitted playing around. Aha!
Not a word about his wife! Hmm!
Not a word about his broken ribs. How did it come about? Stupid accident, fight, illness, suicide attempt....can be anything. A. D. says she has no idea about this, either. I can't ask Roy. He won't tell me. People think he is a jackass, but he is actually the best friend you can find. True unsolved mystery! I have to investigate it myself. Hard to do it! Every time I get close, my man bottles up
Infidelity, for sure! Once a cheater, always a cheater!
Why am I still drawn to him? He is nothing but a selfish and unsupportive man.
Serena's Status: Update
My home is being closed. Just pest control!
Got trapped inside just now and realize
I am my own invader and a bug stuck in the carpet,
and policeman,
sweating to find
all meanings in each thing alive...
Until some words you've said...
just crawl into my heart
So hard to cleanse...
It's Ishtar's rage that covers all inside
And time is our marauding predator.
[years, days, moments]
I deter you from coming back right now!
Notes
This is the last story, I promise! Telling stories is such a bore!
I'll make it shorter for you, this time.
After she broke up with Tammuz, the goddess Ishtar fell in love with Gilgamesh, a Sumerian hero, her kin, two-thirds god and one-third human. She spotted him when he returned victorious to the city of Uruk, after killing a horrible monster. His body looked so splendid that the goddess was overcome with lust and wanted to marry him immediately. He declined her proposal saying he'd nothing to offer, since Ishtar already had everything. He also expressed his fear that she'd eventually lose interest in him.
Unfortunately, one day, he chose to insult her past, as she was to blame for Tammuz being captive to the Underworld. He didn't care to listen to her side of the story. Since all men around her had suffered horribly, Gilgamesh portrayed her as nothing but a marauding sexual predator. The goddess was furious for being rejected on the account of her sexual history, as Gilgamesh'd spent years of womanizing, himself.
I'll leave this story endless... Love = Memory.
***
Be aware!
1. retroactive jealousy is a serious problem in many couples, today; it's based on the fear of being abandoned, it feeds on the judgment of previous relationships.
2. being promiscuous may be related to suffering from low self-esteem and thinking that sex is the only way to get attention. However, as Gilgamesh gets famous in his social environment for his fighting skills, his attitude toward free sex changes.
3. drudging past love memories may uncover stories of emotional scars from previous sexual encounters. Gilgamesh experienced casual, meaningless love before, he had many relationships based on physical attraction only, and therefore he had lost his respect for women. On the other hand, Ishtar, who had been betrayed by Tammuz, took revenge on all the men wanting to take her to bed.
4. when something deep within is altered, one cannot simply move on. Sexual memories do not fade away easily. To pretend they do is naive. Such a common mistake! Many people believe that a new relationship, time or distance can heal an open wound. Well, take my word for it... you may find yourself bleed to death when least expected... when you drink your beer or hear his favorite song... Damn it!
5. nothing to write about!
Rehearsing Shakespeare in Love
Serena — listening to Beethoven, Symphony No. 6, Pastoral, 4th movement: Gewitter, Sturm (Thunder. Storm)
Act II (between “my cat...in the photos”...and “you are a monster”)
Scene 1
Thunders and lightings
Cafe Amsterdam, Hermannstadt
Enter Lady Serena and Lord Vulcan; they sit at a small wooden table, between them, there is only the faint light of a scented candle.
Enter servants with dishes and bottles all over the stage.
Lord Vulcan (with a calm voice)
You should have found out this... hereafter.
There would have been a time for such a truth,
This story creeps into my heart from day to day,
Like an uneasy snail, packed with sadness.
Ah! My youthful beauty made him look at me
With lovers lust and foolish fast heartbeats,
Yes, I too, felt... alive as I was kissed...
Until his lips became the porter of uneasy dreams
and found myself transgress the bounds of love.
Serene, my pure, holy chant above all storms,
I flee to Hermannstadt to find my peace
And found you, here, to inspect my heart
Believe me! Lovers' past is just another story
to be told by honest idiots,
signifying... nothing... mere words.
Lady Serena (to the Stage Director) Now, it's my turn... Make all settings disappear and that Shakespearian player get quiet! Let me alone on the stage! Close all lights, except the one on me!
Ok. Great! Now, change the music... jazz... No!... better play In the shadow of your love by Rahul Kedare...
(to the public) He is my Facebook friend, a talented composer... (with conviction) You know, apparently, in India, a solo is not easily digested..., they arrange instruments as they arrange marriages. Hmm! A cultural difference, as he (pointing at Lord Vulcan) calls it...
(to the Stage Director, as the song finally starts): This is it!... Not so loud! Thank you!
(turning to the stage corner, where Lord Vulcan is now covered in darkness): My therapist said it's better to write, so, my dear friend, let me read you something!
(gets a phone out of her pocket and starts reading from the screen) It was a beautiful sunny day. We went to Opera Benefit Concert. I was happy, K. (pointing at Lord Vulcan) was sitting next to me. However, then (her voice starts trembling but she refrains from crying)... I noticed the position of his body. He had a feminine close position (sits down to imitate it)... like the one of my gay piano teacher.
(stops in order to listen)... Yes, a great teacher! (confused) What've I just said? (self-absorbed) Ja, he would have loved this amazing song! He used to drive me crazy with his Tchaikovsky (to the public, feeling she has to explain more) a great homosexual (embarrassed) Russian composer, orthodox, by the way.
(calm) Now, why on earth should I have noticed that? It made me ponder... I took K. to the coffee bar that evening to make him confess.
(suddenly drops the phone on the floor, lowers her head and then looks to the other corner, as if Lord Vulcan, covered in darkness, moved t
here... gazes at him and then, whispers) I was still in love with you, afterwards, you know...
(loud) No way! (a cat comes to her and stars biting playfully, she kneels to hug her) Madame La Fleur, you are back! You are alive!
(apart) My manly heart smelled you!
(loud) Why did drink that, you fool? Why? I'm so sorry! I've missed you so much! (The cat head-butts her, as she looks at her with affection)
(a bottle of champagne rolls over in her direction, making the cat run away; music stops, she rises up in shock, angry): Stupid! You scared her... (mad) Monster! Stop doing that! You had more that 5 glasses, already!
(to the Stage Director, shouting)... Where did my cat go? Turn the lights on!
(nothing happens)
(serious, looking around) Why aren't you doing what I've asked? Where are you, anyway?
(terrified) So, you've left, too... sign a contract with a different company?
(angry) What kind of a responsible Stage Director are you?
(apart) I feel lonely, here!
(loud) Enough playing this...“Lights, lights, get us some lights!”
(nothing happens)
(trustful) Let's play the next day! We are not over yet!
(nothing happens)
(looking at the public, as if searching for someone there, calm) Ok. Have it your way! I'll call you right now and make you cry on the phone. Then, you'll allow your feelings to flow easily and say: “I made a huge mistake, Serena! You're an amazing performer! I love you! ”, Only that!
(bossy) I do not care who is writing this play. Feel free to improvise! Please, make me play this moment again, this time, full hearted!
(relaxed and trustful) Only you can turn this play into a hit!
(she raises her hands like a diva to give credit to the Stage Director, probably sitting in the first row; the stage becomes gradually full of light; she turns and sees Lord Vulcan behind her. He has a short hair, no longer blonde, he is wearing a nice straw hat and a tan suit. He greets her with an innocent, childish smile)
(music, applauses) It's a new dawn! It's a new day! It's a new life...
Cafe Amsterdam, Hermannstadt.
No one exits.
The Explorer
Layers of Love Page 3