by Cathy Bussey
‘So how come I haven’t seen you around here before?’ Simon had returned to the attack.
She twirled a lock of hair around her finger. ‘I moved away a while ago,’ she said, ‘and I don’t come back that often, but I’m here for the whole summer this time.’
‘Are you now?’ Simon dropped his voice meaningfully. ‘That’s a stroke of luck.’
‘Is it?’
‘Looks that way to me,’ Simon said, still in a low tone. ‘Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself?’
Faith answered his questions obediently, which included scoping out whether or not she had a boyfriend. ‘I split up with somebody quite recently,’ she said, ‘and I’m not really looking for anything right now.’
Unless Rik was offering, of course.
Which wasn’t likely given that he was currently looking at her as if she were a wasp in his drink.
‘How long were you together?’ Simon pressed on.
‘Three years or so.’
‘Sounds like you could use a bit of fun, after a slog like that.’
It had been a slog, Faith thought, an energy-sapping slog all round. Not just Rob, the commute, work, herself — she remembered how weak and jaded she’d felt at the beginning of the summer, before Hollyhocks had begun to work its restorative magic on her.
She felt like a different person. Stronger, but also a lot more able to be vulnerable, and more able to deal with things. Open. That’s how I feel, she thought. More open, thanks to the way Hollyhocks and GT and Minel and Sara and Paul — and Rik, most of all Rik — had grounded and supported her. Maybe I should tell him, she thought, and say thank you and that might cheer him up a bit, and she turned to him only to find him talking distractedly to Jason and looking moodier than ever.
‘So what do you think?’ Simon asked pointedly.
She turned back to him. ‘About what?’
‘Do you think you could use a bit of,’ he dropped his voice again, ‘fun?’
His blue eyes were very clear despite the amount he had drunk, and he had a dusting of freckles over his snub nose and cheeks. Maybe I could, Faith thought, surprised to find herself even contemplating it, but she found his cheekiness and self-assurance quite charming.
Maybe a bit of fun is just what I need, God knows I’m practically climbing the walls after the turgidness of Rob and having to watch Rik chucking tools and bikes around and getting all hot and bothered with me at the quarry and hanging around with me in the evenings wearing far too many clothes and — and being with somebody else, she reminded herself very firmly.
‘I don’t know,’ she said to Simon, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly in a secret sort of smile. ‘Maybe.’
He took this as encouragement and redoubled his efforts, making her laugh with his anecdotes and increasingly outrageous asides. He’s funny, she thought. But not as funny as Rik, when he’s not impersonating a moody teenager. Where was he, anyway? He and Jason must have gone inside. ‘I should probably spend some time with my friend,’ she told Simon. ‘I’ll see you later. Maybe.’
‘Definitely,’ he said hopefully, and she laughed again and went off in search of Rik. She found him propping up the bar with Jason.
Rik still looked troubled, and Jason was nodding understandingly, always his sounding board, Faith thought. I should have taken that role off him, although Rik would have still needed somebody to complain about me to when I drove him crackers, which I appear to be doing right now with my general presence. Rik had noticed her and his expression hadn’t changed, he looked more disapproving than ever. Faith shoved a drink towards him. ‘What’s rattled your cage?’
‘Nothing.’ Rik frowned at the drinks. ‘On a mission, are you?’ He sounded very acidic.
Faith gulped down her shot defiantly. ‘As you said,’ she sniped, ‘I could use some fun.’
Jason disappeared tactfully off in the direction of the toilets.
Rik drained his own glass disdainfully. ‘What have you done with Simon? Your admirer?’ he prompted, and Faith flushed. Why should I feel guilty? she wondered indignantly. He’s the one sticking his tongue down Lucinda’s throat in the kitchen and making me heave my guts out in the process. How many double standards is he going to hit me with?
‘Not that it’s any of my business,’ Rik said, ‘but you might like to know that Simon gets through them.’
‘You’re right,’ she said, thinking she didn’t care in the slightest how many Simon got through. ‘It is none of your business.’
‘I just don’t want to see anybody kick you when you’re down.’
So that’s why he’s annoyed, Faith thought. He’s just looking out for me. Being a good friend.
What a complete bastard. He should be raging with jealousy.
‘Once again, as you yourself pointed out,’ she said, ‘I could do with some fun.’
‘I don’t think his brand of fun is really what you need, unless you want to end up crying on the sofa again.’
She flinched. ‘What makes you think I’ll be the one crying?’
‘Call it intuition.’
That knowing tone — he must have replaced the patient, talking-to-a-small-child tone he’d used when they were teenagers with this condescending one. She wasn’t sure which rankled more, the tone of voice or the fact that nine years later he still knew exactly how to push all of her buttons.
‘I wouldn’t worry about that, Rik.’ She forced out a laugh that she hoped was more patronising and worldy than shrill witch. ‘As my ex boyfriend will testify I’m hardly sitting pining my heart out and just waiting for that special somebody to notice me.’
What a barefaced, breathtaking lie, she chided herself. But he doesn’t know that.
‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘You seem in just the right place for a one-night stand.’
‘Who cares what place I’m in? I’m a free agent.’
‘Oh, go and get off with Simon,’ Rik snarled. ‘You’re probably exactly what each other needs.’
You’re what I need, she thought desperately. ‘Rikki, look —’
‘And stop calling me that,’ he howled. ‘My girlfriend is still steaming mad at me thanks to you.’
‘What?’ Faith gasped.
‘Why do you think she’s not here?’ he snapped. ‘She’s had enough of you ramming the fact you and I were together for about five seconds a hundred years ago down her throat.’
Faith shook her head. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Those aren’t his words, she thought, I know they aren’t. They’ve come out of his mouth but they’re Lucinda’s words.
Was that what she’d been doing?
It absolutely wasn’t. Rik had wanted to know why she’d left, and she’d told him. She’d given him the truth, not to win him back, but to help him make sense of it, give him the answers he needed so he could let it go. So they could both let it go.
‘If the point to all of this,’ she said when no new information was forthcoming, ‘is that you would like to see less of me, then why didn’t you just say so?’ She glowered at him. ‘Nobody’s held a gun to your head. I’ve offered to stay out of the way.’
‘You don’t have to stay out of the way,’ he said. ‘Just maybe be a bit less, um,’ he waved his hand irritably.
‘A bit less what?’
‘Your boyfriend is back.’
Simon had returned and was hovering nearby, looking madly interested.
‘Don’t let me interrupt you two old friends,’ Simon said slyly.
Faith flushed again. ‘I think I should go,’ she said.
Rik rolled his eyes. ‘What a surprise. See you in nine years.’
Faith shot him a filthy look and stormed off, muttering goodbye to a returning Jason as she went.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘Home,’ she said. ‘Have a good wedding.’ She paused, thinking she didn’t need to take her mood out on him. ‘I really am pleased for you, Jason. You’re definitely one of t
he good guys.’ She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Lily is a lucky woman.’
She set off along the winding road, feeling the fresh air hit her. God, she was quite drunk. And annoyed. And embarrassed. That had been mortifying.
Had she really been flaunting her former relationship with Rik in front of him and Lucinda, acting like she was entitled to a place in his life, a seat at the table, devoid as it was of any offers of close encounters of the 3am kind?
I’ll definitely be awake at 3am now, she thought wildly, tonight and probably for the rest of my life, because one thing’s for sure, I’ve well and truly blown everything with Rik now.
Chapter 22
Faith had half hoped Rik would come after her, but she was most definitely alone. Hollyhocks was dark when she got back and she used the light of her phone to navigate her way up the stairs to her room.
No more going out boozing and carousing and arguing, she told herself sternly. Just get yourself into bed and worry about it all night and every night for the rest of your life. She sighed heavily and changed into a very old vest and pair of checked flannel shorts and brushed her teeth, trying not to make too much noise so she wouldn’t disturb the sleeping parents-to-be. Then she heard creaking coming from their room and winced. She must have woken them.
But the noise that came from Paul and Minel’s room wasn’t irritated muttering. It was weeping. She paused, tuning her ears in. Minel was crying, great racking sobs, and she could hear Paul murmuring something that she assumed was meant to be comforting, and then GT, who was all tucked up on the end of Faith’s bed, woke up and started yapping.
‘That bloody dog,’ she heard Paul groan, and he came out of the bedroom, illuminated in the soft light of the bedside lamp. ‘Oh, Faith,’ he said, seeing her frozen with her toothbrush still in her mouth. ‘We thought you were still out.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m just going to bed. Is everything OK?’
‘You’d better come in.’ He opened the door fully and Faith saw Minel curled up on the bed, her face in her hands.
‘What’s going on?’ she asked warily.
‘I’m bleeding,’ Minel’s voice broke. ‘I think I’m miscarrying.’
‘Oh no.’ Faith was beside her in a shot, her hand at her mouth. ‘Since when?’
‘I had some spotting yesterday,’ Minel said. ‘I rang the midwives and they said not to worry, but to come in if it got worse, and I just went to the toilet and,’ she sobbed again, her shoulders heaving. ‘It’s pouring out. Masses of it.’
‘You need to get her to hospital,’ Faith said to Paul. ‘Can you drive, or have you been drinking? Shall I call an ambulance?’
‘I’ll take her,’ Paul said. ‘I’m fine to drive. We’ll go now,’ he told Minel, rummaging in the drawers for some clothes. ‘It might not be a miscarriage. We won’t know until they check you out.’
‘I don’t want to go,’ Minel said, and the pitiful defiance in her voice chilled the blood in Faith’s veins. ‘I don’t want to.’
She doesn’t want to have it confirmed, Faith thought, wishing she could say or do something to help but she could see that a dark stain was beginning to gather on the bedclothes where Minel was sitting and she had to admit, it didn’t look good.
‘You have to,’ she said softly. ‘They might be able to do something to stop it. They can do all sorts of things these days.’ Could they? She didn’t know, but it sounded like the sort of reassuring thing a person should say at a time like this.
She helped Paul get some clothes on Minel and ran to the bathroom. ‘Do you have any sanitary towels?’
Minel gestured at the cupboard and Faith grabbed a few, shoving them at Paul. ‘Ring me as soon as you know anything.’
He nodded. ‘Where’s Rik? Over at the cottage?’
‘Still out,’ Faith said, wincing as she remembered their argument. ‘Don’t worry about him. I’ll let him know.’
‘Thanks.’ Paul took Minel’s arm and led her gently out of the room. ‘We’ll be in touch.’
After they had left Faith stripped the bed and put the duvet cover in a bucket of cold water. She had a feeling Minel wouldn’t want to be greeted by that stain no matter what her condition when she returned. She remade the bed with fresh linen, and looked over at the cottage, hoping Rik was home, but it was still in darkness.
GT was whining and pacing the corridor and she took him downstairs to let him out in the garden, bringing her phone in case there was any word from Paul. The puppy did his business then caught sight of something in the distance — a fox, Faith guessed — and launched himself after it.
She ran after him, cursing. ‘Come back,’ she yelled ineffectually, as GT disappeared into the hay barn, with its right door still prostrate in front of it.
Really? Faith thought. Do I need to face all my demons tonight? She had no idea if the lights still worked and she switched them on, crossing her fingers. For a second the barn remained in darkness, then slowly the lights began to flicker, illuminating the inside with an eerie, blue-ish glow.
It looked exactly as she remembered. The pile of bales at the corner, half-covered with tarpaulin. The stalls, empty bar a few old pieces of rusting metal, presumably Rik’s work. The ancient lawn mower, which she and Rik had painted a fetching shade of orange, now warped beyond all repair. And there, on the jumbled pile of bales, she caught her breath, because in the faded light with the cavorting puppy at his feet, dressed all in black and with his head bowed so the now-voracious facial hair was completely indistinguishable from the shadows, Rik looked the image of his teenage self.
For a second she wondered she had actually gone back in time. When he looked up, would he be sixteen again? She clapped her hand protectively over her chest, conscious her vest was very thin and sagged a little at the neck. Rik finally looked up, and she was almost disappointed to see that he was still very much an adult and still looked very pissed-off.
‘Minel’s had to go to hospital,’ she said. ‘She’s losing blood. They’re worried it’s a miscarriage.’
All the anger drained out of his face and he stood up. ‘Is she OK? Do you think we should go?’
She shook her head. ‘Paul took her. I think whatever the outcome, they’re going to need some space.’
He swayed and reached out to the hay bales to steady himself. ‘I think I drank too much.’
‘Come up to the house and I’ll make you some tea.’ She scooped up GT and flicked the lights off.
He followed her unsteadily into the house and she put on a sweater and made him a cup of tea, putting a pint of water next to it. ‘Drink that,’ she said. ‘And get some sleep. They don’t need you crashing around, clutching your head and moaning tomorrow.’
Rik drank the water in one go and paled visibly. ‘I definitely drank too much. I feel shocking.’
‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, meaning it. ‘For being a bitch, and I’m also sorry if I have caused any upset between you and Lucinda. I didn’t mean to, I promise.’
He sighed. ‘I know. I came on a bit strong. Drunk, residual irritation,’ he waved his hand. ‘Still a bit confused by it all. We should probably tone it down a bit though, when Lucinda’s around.’
So it was both of them now? ‘Tone what down?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he said irritably.
‘It’s fine,’ she said quickly. ‘I can back off.’
Rik stood up, looming over her and she backed into the marble side, feeling it cold and hard against her back. She watched his eyes slide reluctantly into focus, fixing directly on hers.
‘Can you back off?,’ he said.
‘Yes, of course, I just said —’
‘No,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t a statement, it was a question. Can you?’
‘You’re drunk, Rik,’ she said.
He opened his mouth as if to contradict her, then lurched. ‘Yes. I am.’
He sat back down and made an indecipherable noise that was neither question nor statement bu
t seemed to amuse him no end.
Faith sighed pointedly.
‘Oh, by the way,’ he was still sniggering, ‘Jason wanted me to ask you if you could come next Saturday. To the wedding. Lily’s going ballistic over the table plan because somebody’s other half can’t make it. You’ll have to sit next to Simon.’ Now he was back to glaring at her accusingly. He lurched again and got up. ‘I feel horrendous. Text me when you hear from Paul.’
He shot out in the direction of the cottage and Faith watched him go.
At least they’d cleared the air. A bit. Had they? She looked at her phone once more. Nothing. She was in for a long night, lucky there was no way she’d be able to sleep anyway. She picked up GT and went upstairs, turning out the lights behind her.
Paul texted her during the night to confirm Minel was miscarrying and they would be home the following morning. Faith texted him back, saying she’d let Rik know and make herself scarce. ‘Be there when we get back,’ Paul responded. ‘She wants to see you.’
She sent Rik a quick message to let him know, and thought she might as well try and get some sleep. But every time she managed to nod off, she would wake what felt like seconds later, haunted by dreams about Rik disappearing around corners and down endless corridors, just out of her reach.
I’d better sleep with Simon on Saturday if only to stop all this, she found herself thinking after one particularly harrowing dream in which she’d pursued a teenage Rik halfway down a corridor she was sure she remembered from school, only for him to turn around and have become an old man, greying and exhausted. ‘Just leave me alone,’ he snapped and she woke sweating and clutching GT to her for all she was worth.
Minel looked pale and impossibly fragile when she returned. Faith hugged her, feeling her friend leaning weakly against her. ‘At least we know I can get pregnant,’ Minel said tonelessly, and repetitively, for the next hour, until Paul took her off to get some rest.