by Cathy Bussey
Minel was frowning. ‘Is she jealous?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Faith sighed, too hungover to think of a decent excuse. ‘She knows we have a history, she’s worried we’re going to re-enact it I suppose.’
Minel sat down with a bump. ‘What history would you re-enact?’
Faith gripped her teacup in her hand and stared down at it, watching the leaves swirl around before descending to settle at the bottom. If only she could read them.
Her mother could teach her how.
‘OK, Min. No more keeping things from you. There’s something I never told you. Rik and I did used to be closer than just friends.’
‘What, when we were kids?’
Faith nodded.
‘But I asked you just a few weeks ago and you said nothing ever went on. You didn’t even remember snogging him my party.’
‘I lied,’ Faith said.
‘And he said he didn’t remember either,’ Minel went on. ‘I thought it was weird that both of you were so blank when you seemed to remember everything else about that evening.’
‘I remember, and he remembers,’ Faith confirmed. ‘To quote Facebook circa 2008, “it’s complicated”.’
Minel pressed on. ‘Were you having some kind of secret fling that none of us knew about?’
‘Yes.’
‘You were? For how long?’
‘Long enough for them to deflower each other,’ Sara chipped in. ‘Several times, from what she told me.’
‘Oh my god.’ Minel looked lost for words and Faith could see that the cogs in her brain were working furiously. ‘Tell me everything. Well, maybe not everything,’ she winced. ‘You don’t need to go into graphic detail about any deflowering, thanks. But I want to know. What — when — why didn’t you say anything?’
Faith sighed. Here we go again. She was starting to get bored of it herself. ‘So, your 18th birthday party…’
‘Oh Faith,’ Minel said when she had finished. ‘Oh, that’s a bit of a tale of woe, isn’t it?’ She frowned, clearly trying to make sense of it all. ‘Poor Rik. No wonder he was so heartbroken.’
‘Yeah,’ Faith said sadly. ‘Not just him, but yeah, pretty harsh for him.’
‘I had no idea,’ Minel breathed. ‘I was so wrapped up in Paul, I suppose, and us finally getting together. And I was really very intolerant of Rik.’ She looked guilty. ‘I wish I’d known, I might have been a bit more sympathetic.’
‘I’m sure he’s over it,’ Faith said. ‘He’s over all of it.’
‘But Lucinda thinks he isn’t?’
She shrugged. ‘More that she thinks I’m not over it.’
‘And are you?’
Faith could feel Sara’s eyes on her.
‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ Minel was like a dog with a bone sometimes, Faith thought reluctantly, just like her infernal brother.
‘That’s not really relevant,’ she tried.
Sara snorted.
‘It sounds extremely relevant,’ Minel said. ‘How did you feel about him back then? If you hadn’t jumped to conclusions about Sophie what do you think would have happened with you and Rik?’
‘It’s impossible to say, of course,’ Faith said but she knew what Minel was asking. ‘I was in love with him,’ she conceded. ‘He was with me too. He knew it before I did.’
‘And what about now?’ Minel asked again. ‘Do you still?’
‘Love him,’ Faith finished for her. ‘Yes. I do.’
The table fell silent. Even Sara had nothing to offer.
Faith watched the grandfather clock in the corner. Seconds ticked by.
‘So what are you going to do, then?’ Minel asked.
‘What do you mean, what am I going to do? I’m not going to do anything. He’s with Lucinda. He doesn’t love me.’
‘How do you know?’ Sara asked. ‘Have you asked him?’
‘Of course not,’ Faith exploded. ‘What kind of question is that?’
‘Have you even told him you’re still in love with him?’ Minel asked.
Faith shook her head. ‘No, of course not. Again. He’s with Lucinda,’ she said patiently. ‘She does exist, doesn’t she? I didn’t make her up?’
‘Of course she exists. She’s notable by her absence. She’s not been around here that much recently at all.’
‘She was there last night,’ Faith said.
‘But she’s not here now,’ Sara said, as if that weren’t obvious.
‘And he’s been spending all his time with you,’ Minel said. ‘I can definitely see why she’s suspicious.’
‘There’s nothing to be suspicious of,’ Faith protested.
‘Are you sure? What have you been doing?’
‘Just riding bikes and talking and occasionally crying and giggling and bickering and drawing and writing and hanging out.’
‘Hanging out,’ Minel repeated, as if it were a euphemism.
‘Ohhh,’ Sara said. ‘Oh. Yes!’
‘Yes what?’
‘He must still have feelings for you,’ Minel said patiently, ‘if he’s sacked Lucinda off just to “hang out” with you.’
‘Of course he doesn’t. He hasn’t sacked her off, she’s been busy with work. In fact, she told me he was going to ask her to go to Cornwall with him.’ Faith was thinking about Jason’s cryptic comments. ‘Although Jason did say he wasn’t going to move in with her.’
‘There you go then.’ Sara looked delighted. ‘He obviously told her he didn’t want to shack up with her and she got the hump and stormed off. Case closed.’ She dusted her hands with satisfaction.
‘So now you can tell Rik how you feel,’ Minel prompted.
‘I can’t,’ Faith insisted again. ‘Even if he and Lucinda did argue last night they’re still together. What good will me telling him do? At best it’ll confuse him, at worst he’ll just tell me thanks but no thanks because, as I keep reminding everybody, he’s with Lucinda.’
‘So you’re just going to let him go?’ Sara challenged. ‘You’re going to let him push off to Cornwall, with or without Lucinda, without even telling him that you still love him? You’re really prepared to be that self-sacrificing and noble?’
‘I just want him to be happy,’ Faith said. ‘And if Lucinda makes him happy then fair enough.’
‘I’m going to suggest that Lucinda probably doesn’t make him happy,’ Minel said, ‘hence them barely spending any time together any more. That doesn’t mean being with you necessarily would,’ she went on. ‘He might well be over it all and genuinely just see you as a friend. Or, he might still be just as in love with you as you are with him.’
‘If he was,’ Faith said, ‘he’d tell me.’
‘And he’s probably thinking the exact same thing,’ Minel said gently. ‘Only Rik’s already put it out there for you once, and he got his heart well and truly stamped on as a result.’
‘You need stop wafting around playing the guessing game and hoping he will do all the hard work for you,’ Sara announced. ‘You need to tell him how you feel and then let him make up his own mind. Right now,’ she went on. ‘Instead of mooning around and whinging to us, why don’t you take him on some bike ride and just put it out there?’
‘He’s going to Hamburg tomorrow,’ Faith said, but her stomach was hollow with nerves all of a sudden. Should she? Could she?
‘Even better,’ Minel said. ‘Gives him a bit of time to mull it over, and if he doesn’t go for it you’ve got time to take it on the chin.’
She had to, she acknowledged, she needed a resolution one way or the other and Rik couldn’t help her if he didn’t have all the information he needed.
‘Just one more thing,’ Faith said to Minel. ‘Can I buy GT off you?’
Minel looked relieved. ‘You’re welcome to him,’ she said. ‘I should have just got a Springer spaniel in the first place. These yappy little monsters you and Rik are so keen on drive me crazy. Run off with him and live happily ever after, take my brother with you, help yours
elf, take it all.’ She waved her hand around the kitchen and smiled, and Faith thought how all Minel had ever wanted to do was make her feel like she belonged here, like she fitted in too, and she hugged her friend tightly, then Sara. ‘Whatever happens,’ she said, ‘with Rik, with Tony, with the babies — we’ll always have each other, won’t we?’
Sara rolled her eyes. ‘You’re going to make me cry again with your soppiness.’
‘Of course we will,’ Minel insisted. ‘Ignore her.’ She nudged Sara.
Faith wandered out to the pool and appropriated Rik. ‘Go and get your bike,’ she said. ‘Let’s go out.’
‘Where?’
She shrugged. ‘Dunno. Let’s see where the mood takes us. I’ll just go and change.’
Chapter 26
Faith and Rik rode out to a pub and she bought them lunch and a jug of Pimm’s. Rik still didn’t mention Lucinda. Faith thought about asking what they’d fallen out about but then she decided that was just a roundabout way of trying to ascertain if he had any feelings for her and the only way she was going to find that out was if she just told it all to him straight.
Just like she should have done nine years ago.
‘You’re probably going to be sick of hearing this by now,’ she said. ‘But I wanted to talk to you about something.’
Rik nodded. ‘Your parents, right?’
Her parents. It was still at the back of her mind, but the issue with Rik had become more pressing since then. But actually she did want to tell him about it, she realised, she’d value his perspective and she might as well get that out of the way first.
‘The other weekend,’ she said, ‘when Sara, Min and I were having afternoon tea, I saw my dad. He was checking in to the hotel, which is apparently a hotspot for extramarital sex. With a woman,’ she said. ‘A woman who wasn’t my mum.’
‘He’s at it again?’
‘He is and he isn’t,’ she said. ‘I confronted him, and he explained a few things to me. Finally.’
Once she’d finished Rik drained his glass, chewing thoughtfully on some ice. It crunched between his teeth, a vague reminder of the satisfying crunching noises she’d generated throwing stones around the quarry like a woman possessed. ‘How long have they been doing this?’ he asked. ‘And whose idea was it, do you know?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘But I did wonder if maybe it was something that came up during counselling. Which makes me feel even worse,’ she said, suddenly realising something, ‘because if the counsellor did suggest it and I was the one who persuaded them to go to counselling in the first place, doesn’t that make the entire miserable situation kind of my fault?’
‘No!’ Rik said, very loudly, and she jumped. ‘It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. Whoever suggested that particular solution, the counsellor or one of them, they must have both agreed to it just like they had to agree to counselling in the first place.’
He was right, she thought, and she felt something lift, a lightening, a burden of guilt she no longer needed to carry around. Off it floated, up into the sky, and she nodded gratefully and drank some Pimm’s, watching a young couple snogging ferociously at the table at the far end of the garden.
‘I just keep thinking about my mum,’ she said. ‘And it’s made me realise that’s what I could turn into. If I’d stayed with Rob, or if I find myself another sensible safe bet of a man who I don’t love enough to risk getting hurt by. If I live half a life, settle for half a relationship.’
The sun had moved overhead, carrying on its inexorable passage across the sky, which was once again beginning to darken and pull together, grey clouds expanding and attaching themselves to one another in preparation for release. A dog barked in the distance, trapped in one of the gardens of the few houses scattered around, maybe restrained by an invisible electric fence. A pair of birds flew overhead, huge and pure white. Swans.
Swans, she thought, mate for life.
‘I want the whole deal,’ she said. ‘I want real love even if it is terrifying. Even if there’s no guarantee it’ll work out. Even if it means risking getting my heart shattered again.’
Rik’s leg was very close to hers. If she just moved hers a tiny bit, just an inch or two, they would be touching. His eyes were still sleepy and narrowed against the sun, his eyelashes were curling determinedly upwards, and he had something caught in one of them. A wildflower seed, maybe, or a speck of stardust, frozen in time.
‘I want all that with you,’ she said.
Rik blinked and the seed or dust dislodged and floated off, spiralling upwards, lifted by an invisible wind.
‘I’ve never wanted that with anybody but you,’ she went on. ‘You’re the most compelling person I have ever met in my life. You make everything an adventure, the big things and the little things. You have such strength and integrity, you have the most amazing heart and beautiful soul, you make me feel like home is a person not a place.’ She blinked hard. You can’t cry now, she thought irritably, you have to be stronger than that, you have to tell him how you feel without making it sound like he owes you anything. ‘It’s still you, Rik,’ she said, ‘It’s always been you.’
He didn’t say anything but she could see she had moved him. The clouds were gathering at speed now, drifting into one another and merging seamlessly into one lowering ceiling of dark grey.
‘Am I being out of line?’ she asked him, suddenly feeling foolish.
Rik, for once, seemed completely lost for words. She had thought he’d always have a comeback, an answer for everything, but this time she truly had floored him, the final verbal KO, and so she studied the young couple intently for a while, letting him digest it all. The young man, becoming aware of her scrutiny, gave her a challenging look and she turned away, blushing a little.
Rik finally pulled himself together. ‘When did you realise — how long have you felt like this?’
‘Pretty much since the start,’ she said. ‘I came here wanting some answers but from the second I saw you,’ she bit her lip. ‘There was still so much there. I thought it might be emotional memory, unfinished business, that once I had the explanations I so desperately needed I could put it behind me and finally get over you.’ She winced, digging deep into herself for the courage to carry on. ‘That day at the quarry, it just all came crashing down, rather like that pile of stones I so comprehensively beat up. I knew I was in love with you. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. It’s up to you what you do about it,’ she said. ‘But that’s how I feel, and now you know.’
‘Do you know, though?’ he asked. ‘If you really did love me — back then — you wouldn’t have been so quick to think the worst.’
He’s still stuck on that, she thought. Maybe I really am too late.
‘I can’t go back,’ she said. ‘But I can do now, what I should have done then. I can tell you exactly how I feel, even though it might be fruitless, and hurtful, and embarrassing, and you might end up telling me something I really don’t want to hear. I still want you to know, because I’d rather feel embarrassed and hurt and rejected than spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been.’
‘And what do you think might have been?’ he asked. ‘Back then, if you had just asked me what was going on, or seen that it was Jason with Sophie and not me. What do you think would have happened?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Neither do I.’
And we never will, she thought. So what is the point in keeping on going back there?
‘I’m done,’ she said. ‘Thinking about it, wishing, wondering. I’m tired of living my life half in love with a person still stuck in time, of asking what if?’ She looked at him levelly. ‘I don’t want to go back in time, Rik. I want who you are now. I want to know what we could be, now. But if you don’t,’ she pulled a rueful face, tipping her head on one side, ‘if you really are in love with Lucinda, or if your path involves somebody else entirely, if it’s just not me any more, then I need to move on and find out who
I am when I’m not carrying around all these traces of you.’
Because it wasn’t just Rik she had come back to find after all.
‘Are you coming back to Hollyhocks?’ he asked eventually.
She started. After that? After all that? She was just going to pour her heart out and he was going to give her — nothing?
But she’d put a great deal on him, a huge big deal, and he obviously needed to think, he wasn’t saying anything but he wasn’t saying no, either.
All I do is wait around for you, he’d told her once. It was her turn to do some of the waiting.
She shook her head. ‘I need to pick up my clothes and reassure my parents that I’m still alive and I think we both need to let it sit, for a bit.’
Rik nodded reluctantly. ‘Yeah. I suppose you’re right. I just can’t shift the feeling I’m going to go away and never see you again.’
‘Whatever happens,’ she said, ‘I’ll be around. I’ll take you to the airport tomorrow — I absolutely insist, OK?’
He nodded obediently.
‘And I’ll come and pick you up,’ she said boldly, ‘if you want me to, and I’ll never leave your side again. But if you don’t want to,’ she smiled wistfully. ‘We can be friends. And if that’s too much we can watch each other’s lives even if we’re not a part of them. I’m always going to want to know what you’re up to. I’m always going to care.’
‘I am too,’ he said. ‘Always.’
‘Then that’s something.’
‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘That’s something.’
He was wearing another pale blue shirt when Faith picked him up, and she thought he had never looked more beautiful to her. She smiled brightly as he got into the Land Rover.
‘Good night?’ he asked.
‘As ever,’ she said, thinking how she’d stared mindlessly at the ceiling until she’d wondered if it actually might begin to cave in. He looked much livelier and Faith felt her heart twisting painfully. ‘It’s still a shock seeing you clean-shaven,’ she said.
‘Yeah.’ He stroked his chin thoughtfully. ‘Didn’t go down well all round, that.’