My eyes went to my sketches, staring at the graphite markings. “Yeah, they just came to me. I couldn’t stop.”
“I know. Dinah and I tried to get your attention all day.” She patted my shoulder before heading out of the room, leaving me staring at my creations.
The sheets flipped through my fingers, page after page was filled with almost one particular design. Top hats. Most with different types of scarves trailing off them looking like flowing wispy tails, draping down as if they were alive. Sexy. Mysterious. Dark.
There were a few hats on one page you’d see worn by the Queen of England’s guards, but twisted with cheeky and fun modifications. A dozen had rabbit and elf ears, a penguin beak, reindeer antlers, teapot, and one of a gingerbread house.
I snorted at my wacky drawings. To be taken seriously, I had always kept in the lines, creating hats that were more pretty than fun. But these were fun. Totally bold and outrageous. Though the top hats felt different, a cheekiness weaving in a sultry darkness. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was a pull to the mystery of the hats, like each one had a dark secret to share with me if I put one on.
I loved them all.
Rolling my shoulders back, recognizing how stiff I was, I pushed up from the chair, heading for the shower.
No denying a peculiar restlessness stirred in me and itched my skin. Nothing felt right, except with my creations. It was the first time I felt utter peace and clarity with what I wanted to do with my life.
Working in an office didn’t fit me. I was never meant to work in a high-rise in the middle of Manhattan being someone’s assistant.
I was meant to be a hatter. And nothing would stop me from becoming one.
Chapter 32
“You look amazing,” Dinah addressed me, looking up and down, her hands filled with plates of hors d’oeuvres. “Ten times better than this morning.”
“Thanks, I think.” I went straight for the bar Dad set up in the living room.
The house was already abuzz with people: friends, neighbors, co-workers, bosses. Figures grouped together through our living room, congesting the space. Laughter, chatter, and holiday music competed for dominance, bouncing off the ceilings and walls, sounding like a ping-pong match.
All I wanted was to go back upstairs and continue to draw. It was the only place that sounded good to me, besides the shower. Holy cranberry sauce, a hot shower had never felt so deliciously extravagant.
“Seriously. Being sick looks good on you, sis.” Dinah set out a plate of cranberry crostini on the coffee table, turning back to me, lifting an eyebrow at my chosen outfit.
She wore black slacks, ballet flats, and a velvet green wrap blouse. Pretty, but more on the conservative side compared to me.
Normally, I would have dressed similar to Dinah, not really caring what I wore. But the restlessness in me—to climb out of the box I had put myself in and go against what I normally did—felt like a wild animal needing freedom. I chose an exceptionally short black sequin skirt, which glittered under the Christmas lights strung throughout the house, black tights, black booties, a V-neck body-hugging black tank topped with a black velvet bolero coat. A thin red silk scarf draped down like a tie.
I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I was dressed similar to the top hat I had designed.
Disregarding the sweet holiday beverages available on the table, I went straight for a glass of whiskey, the strong smoky flavor slithering down my throat.
“Whiskey?” Dinah’s face twisted. “When have you ever liked straight whiskey? You love Mom’s mulled wine.”
“I guess since now.” I tipped the glass, taking another sip as I winked at her.
“I seriously think the fever melted your brain cells.” She wagged her head at me.
“Alice!” An arm came around my sister’s shoulders, a huge smile pointed in my direction. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. Thank you, Scott.” I grinned back at my sister’s boyfriend. He looked exactly like what you’d picture with my sister. Not much taller than her with his perfectly styled brown hair, clean-cut, blue eyes, cute face, and something extremely nerdy about him. He was someone who loved kale and hiking but could sit for hours playing Dungeons and Dragons and talk about the latest tech gadget.
He was sweet, and he and Dinah were truly happy with each other. All I could imagine was jumping off a cliff if I was with a guy like him. Give me the bad boys. The wild passion. Adventure. The heart-thumping chemistry that made you want to tear off their clothes the moment you saw them.
My whole family, especially Dinah and Mom, always told me what I wanted was a fantasy created from the novels I read. It didn’t exist in real life. I needed to find a “nice” man. One who treated me as a queen.
Like Scott? No, thanks.
This was probably why I jumped into relationships with asshole guys. Searching for more…
More muchness.
My personality didn’t fit with a Scott, which should have been okay. I wasn’t sorry for wanting what I wanted. For being different and hoping that person was out there for me. And if he wasn’t, I was whole on my own.
The thing my sister said about the fever melting my brain might not be far off. I had no clue what had transformed in me from yesterday, but I felt like a different person. Matured. Gone through something life changing. No longer allowing others to treat me badly, like I wasn’t good, smart, young, or pretty enough.
“You two have fun. I’m gonna go get some food.” I downed the rest of the whiskey, heading for the kitchen without waiting for a response. The liquor tasted good, but it was another thing not quite filling the craving in my gut, a hole I had since I woke up. I didn’t know what I wanted. All I knew was nothing here was satisfying it.
After being stopped several times on the way by people I knew, I finally made it to where most of the food was located. Mom went all out this year with catering. Sweet treats to savory bites, the counters and table were covered with festive fare.
I stuffed something in my mouth with salmon and cheese on it before devouring a cucumber filled with spicy shrimp, the flavors bursting over my tongue with glee. I whimpered in happiness. It not only felt like decades since I last ate but since I had real food, such as vegetables, spices, and meat.
The vision of me inhaling every plate on the table until I was gorged from all the savory appetizers, sitting in a chair rubbing my belly as I groaned in discomfort, was a little too real.
My fingers trailed down the long wood table, looking for my next prey worthy of gobbling up.
I stopped.
My gaze latched on to an adorably decorated plate. Black-and-white figures stared back at me.
Penguins.
Made with two sizes of black olives, cream cheese, and a carrot, the ordinary items were crafted into cuteness on a platter.
My heart squeezed, pushing my mouth into a pucker. Picking up one, I couldn’t stop myself from touching the carrot beak, part of me thinking it would come to life and start singing to me. The Christmas music from the speakers purred in my ear, only thickening the phantoms haunting behind the curtain. They grazed my consciousness, not staying long enough for me to make out anything.
I had drawn a penguin hat… Had I dreamed about them? Did I dream about a talking, singing penguin?
“You think it’s going to come alive and talk back to you?” A man’s voice came from behind me, generating a squeak from my lungs. “Sorry, did I scare you?”
“Dad…” I breathed out in a rush, shaking my head. “Sorry. I was daydreaming, I guess.”
He smiled like he didn’t expect anything else from me. Putting an arm around me, he tugged me closer, kissing my temple.
“Glad you’re feeling better.”
“Yeah. Me too,” I replied.
“Your mother was afraid you’d miss the party.”
“The horror.” I grinned mischievously up at my dad.
“Oh, come on, it’s much more fun to embarrass and bra
g about our daughters when they’re here. Don’t take away my joy. All I have left is watching you two turn red and wishing the floor would swallow you up.”
“Nice, Dad.” I snorted. “Plus, Dinah is the one you brag about. I’m the one you love to just straight embarrass. Especially when Mom tries to set me up with whatever single man she has come across at the store or library, or even your school.”
There were countless times Mom had met an assistant professor or teacher’s aide who she had Dad drag home to introduce me to. She did it out of love and didn’t think I was complete without a man, but deep down I think she believed I was the one who needed a man.
Bullshit.
“Is that what you believe?” Dad dropped his arm away, facing me, his brown eyes staring at me through his glasses. He was slender with a sweet, clean-cut face and short light brown hair. He was never considered standout attractive but was more than an average nice-looking gentleman. His gentle personality is what made him the sweetest-looking man in the world to me.
He wore pretty much the same thing every day to teach: dark jeans, a cliché tweed jacket over a well-loved sweater, tie, button-up shirt, and loafers. The professor’s uniform.
I swore the entire male staff over at the university got the same memo. I sometimes had a hard time finding my father out of all the tweed jackets. Mom got him to drop the coat and switch up to a nicer sweater with slacks for the party.
“Alice.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “Do you really think we are only proud of Dinah?”
“I know you guys love me, but you’ve never approved of the path I’ve chosen. I didn’t go to college, and I have no job but have failed relationships and had to move back home.” I motioned around. “At twenty-five.”
“Twenty-five.” He scoffed. “You are still so young. You don’t need to have it all figured out. I can’t say I loved you chose not to go to college, but it wasn’t for you. I can see that. You may not have everything planned out as your sister does, but it doesn’t make you any less than her. If anything, I think it makes you more.”
“More?” I jerked my head up.
“Dinah, your mother, and me… we’re similar. We want structure. Security. Safety. And it works for us, but you’ll be the one with adventures. Travel the world. Experience things in life I will only fantasize and read about in books. You have passion, Alice. If anything, I’m in awe of it… proud.”
My lashes fluttered, my throat expanding with emotion. Never once had I heard my father say these things about me. He always seemed frustrated with me.
“Doesn’t mean I’m not scared for you. I’m a dad and always want my girls to be safe, happy, and secure. But I know you will find your path. Your happiness. Whatever that is.”
“Dad…” I swallowed, gritting down on my molars. Don’t cry.
He drew me into a hug, my boots bringing me up to his exact height, his warm embrace making me feel for the first time today I was in the right place.
“However…” He breathed out, pulling out of the hug.
And the moment was gone.
“What?” My shoulders dropped. “Mom conned a man here, didn’t she? You have a new aide? A guy in line at the drugstore? No, it’s probably a guy she dragged out of the self-help section…”
He chuckled, laughing at my rant. Probably laughing because I wasn’t far off.
“Actually. It’s a couple.”
“Oh, Christmas goose—she’s now so desperate she turned me into a polyamorist.”
“A what?”
“Polyamorist.”
“A poly-motorist?”
“Polyamorist.”
“Poly-florist?”
“Polyamory—a threesome, Dad. A fluffer for a couple.”
His head flew back, his laugh booming from him.
“Oh, Alice.” He wiped his eyes. “That mind of yours… You make me laugh.”
“Family jester, I know.”
His smile twisted down. “That’s not what I meant.”
“So where is this couple I’m supposed to fluff?”
“I don’t want to know what that means, do I?”
“Probably not.”
“They have a kid… so no fluffy stuff happening.” I chuckled at his wrong use of the term. “Come on.” He motioned for me to follow him back into the living room.
“Alice!” Mom’s voice rang above the voices and music, her smile bright and beautiful, dazzling the room more than the twinkle lights on the tree or strung over the ceiling. I knew where I got my looks from. Her Bulgarian roots were where I got my olive complexion, dark hair, and dark eyes. She was stunning. People were drawn to her like a bee to a flower. She could be controlling and persistent on things, but I adored her. She was a great mom.
Though this setting me up needed to stop.
At least this time I really hoped I wasn’t about to have an awkward encounter with a strange man when Mom would not so subtly leave us alone. I’d make it even worse because my blunt mouth would spew uncontrollably.
“Come here! Meet our new next-door neighbors.” She waved for me to join her. Dinah and Scott already stood beside her.
Wedging through the throng of people trying to reach the group, I saw her twist for me to join the group.
“This is my eldest daughter, Alice,” she said as I prodded myself up next to my mom. “Alice, meet Mrs. Winters.”
My gaze landed on the beautiful older woman, my mouth parting to greet her. Nothing came out. I stood frozen, chills scurrying down my spine in the overheated room.
“Nice to meet you, Alice.” She reached her hand out to me, a smile parting her red painted lips. Her sleek graying hair cut to her chin looked like sculpted ice. She wore a dark red dress that emphasized her small, slim figure.
The color of blood.
A white fur cloak was draped on her shoulders… And around her neck on a chain was a white rabbit’s foot. My gaze focused on it with rage; I wanted to rip it from her throat.
While you’re there, rip out her throat as well. The thought swiped through my mind, rocking me back on my feet.
Holy tinsel… where in the hell did that come from?
“Alice?” my mom hissed, her elbow digging into my side.
“I—um.” My mouth uttered nonsensically, my lids blinking. “Uh. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Winters.”
“Please, call me Jessica.” Her fingers wrapped around mine, her skin cold as ice cubes, shivering my soul, her grip extremely firm.
“Jessica,” I barely whispered back.
“Alice has been ill. She’s still a little out of it.” My mom laughed, trying to cover up my painfully obvious bizarre response to Jessica. I had no idea why I was reacting the way I was, but terror I couldn’t define pulsed against my neck.
“It’s going around. My husband just got over an illness also.” Jessica turned to the massive figure walking up behind her. “There you are, darling. Come meet our enchanting hosts, the Liddells.”
The man stepped up to the group, his head nodding in a general polite greeting until his blue eyes landed on me. His head jerked, our eyes colliding… feeling like two crashing trains.
Glimpses of his lips moving down my neck, biting at my skin. My spine bowed as his mouth came around my nipple, his tongue flicking it.
Everything stopped.
My breath. My mind.
The world skewed on its axis, making me clutch my chest, as if a boxer punched me in the stomach. My head was whirling so fiercely my hand clasped onto my sister’s arm to keep from falling over.
“You okay?” Dinah muttered to me.
“Alice?” Mom touched my other arm. “You feeling all right?”
“Yea-Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed, flames scorching up my throat to my cheeks with a mix of embarrassment and undeniable attraction.
My response to him had been visceral. Hard. Brutal. He was like a semi running straight into me, turning me into nothing but a hollowed-out husk. The fantasies had hijacked my mind,
working like I had done these things with him.
Gasping for small slivers of air, I stared down at my feet, mortified how I had reacted. I was still sick… that could be the only reason why I wanted to drag this man into the nearest bathroom and tear off his clothes.
My thundering heart and the throb between my thighs only tightened my hold on Dinah’s wrist.
“Ow, Alice.” She wiggled her arm. “That hurts.”
I let go, inhaling deeply.
“Did you need something to eat?” Mom tucked a strand of my long hair over my ear. “Or maybe go lie down for a bit?”
“I’m fine.” I took in another deep breath, hoping when I looked up the man wouldn’t be there. Just a figment of my imagination.
My chin rose.
Holy tinsel and jingle my bells…
His gaze was still locked on me, his jaw clenched, but not a speck of emotion showed on his face. This man was so sexy it was hard to stare at him. He had a body that had to spend an obscene amount of time at the gym. But it was more than that. He had that “it” quality. The thing singers, movie, models, and sports stars encompassed in abundance. He ripped the air from the room, stole focus, and demanded your obsession without a word. Everything about him screamed raw power. A predator under the suit he was dressed in: a fitted all-black suit that hugged every part of him, and around his neck hung a red tie.
Like he took inspiration from my top hat designs.
He could fuck me only wearing a top hat.
Holy shit… Did I just think that?
“Darling?” Jessica rubbed his shoulder, jolting his penetrating gaze from me back to her.
He stiffened, standing up straighter. She was at least twenty years older than him. Normally I’d think Go, girl, but all I wanted to do was bat her hand away from him and bare my teeth at the ice queen. Maybe that was what they liked in each other. She was snow, and he was fire.
“Where are your manners?”
His head shook slightly before his eyes lifted back to me, his hand stretching for mine.
“It’s nice to meet you, Alice.” His husky voice tightened every muscle in my body, heading straight to my belly and between my legs.
DESCENDING INTO MADNESS Page 26